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Dating Advice


RNwoman
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Go with you feelings...  I feel like the dating world has been saturated with all these rules and "norms." 

I honestly don't think it hurts to tell anyone you are interested in that you can't wait to see them again or just acknowledge wanting to get to know more about him when things are back to normal schedule. Even if he doesn't reply, then you at least have an idea he might not be 1) as expressive, 2) more cautious, or 3) not in to you as you thought/hope or a combo.

But that's why you keep dating to get to know someone. 

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Oh wait I just saw that you guys have been dating for 5.5 months... I think if you are still figuring out or overthinking things after 5.5 months, you might need to rethink how you are approaching this relationship. In my opinion, after the 3-4 months of dating REGULARLY you should have some sense of security with that relationship that you aren't second guessing if you should wait or not wait for someone to reach out.

It's like a good friend - you both don't need to wait for someone to call or text, you both are comfortable sending a text or picking up the phone. 

Just food for thought. I understand the pandemic has not helped a lot of people close that distance/communication gap during dating.

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I feel what your saying. I think we’re still working on our communication. He is a very reserved person and he tells me that he doesn’t want to bother me sometimes. For instance when my mom had surgery I was with her for a week. I text him and let him know how she was doing and he said thank you, I didn’t want to bother you. So with me being 12 hours away I’m sure he’s not going to initiate contact for that reason. I keep thinking that if I reach out will I look desperate since I’m supposed to be spending time with family or if I don’t reach out will he think I don’t care about him?

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Just be honest with your feelings.

AND if your gut also tells you something is off, listen to it. Early on, a lot of people dismiss their gut feelings because they want to be hopeful or give people the benefit of the doubt (constantly). I just think when you are honest with yourself, and honest with others, you come off easier to read and that's good for dating and good in life. You're genuine and you're efficacious and people know what they are getting from you.

Just tell him you can't wait to see him again and want to spend an evening with him to celebrate 2021. See where that leads... you might be able to get a better gauge when you throw plans out there to see if they're just excited/committed as you. If they don't seem too keen, then you know.

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6 hours ago, RNwoman said:

. I keep thinking that if I reach out will I look desperate since I’m supposed to be spending time with family or if I don’t reach out will he think I don’t care about him?

Just text some simple holiday greetings. Ghosting because you "don't want to look desperate" will eventually backfire.

He doesn't need a play-by-play of details while you are away, but try to stay in touch.

It's odd you're dating 5 mos. and haven't figured out communication.

Why do you think that is?

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I think maybe b/c this is my first time dating someone and I’m 32. I’ve talked to many guys in the past but they never treated me right. There’s so much pressure I’ve put on myself to make this work and I’m just scared to be vulnerable or speak up about what I’m feeling b/c I don’t wanna scare him off. I don’t have a blueprint to go by

 

To I feel what your saying. I think we’re still working on our communication. He is a very reserved person and he tells me that he doesn’t want to bother me sometimes. For instance when my mom had surgery I was with her for a week. I text him and let him know how she was doing and he said thank you, I didn’t want to bother you. So with me being 12 hours away I’m sure he’s not going to initiate contact for that reason. I keep thinking that if I reach out will I look desperate since I’m supposed to be spending time with family or if I don’t reach out will he think I don’t care about him?

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If I were to find myself overthinking this much about simple text conversation after dating someone for nearly 6 months, I'd need to question whether this is a good match for me.

The most important thing for me in a relationship is a feeling of simpatico--someone who 'gets me'. If someone feels so foreign to me that I overthink every convo, then that's not the kind of relationship I'd want to keep.

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4 hours ago, RNwoman said:


I think maybe b/c this is my first time dating someone and I’m 32. I’ve talked to many guys in the past but they never treated me right. There’s so much pressure I’ve put on myself to make this work and I’m just scared to be vulnerable or speak up about what I’m feeling b/c I don’t wanna scare him off. I don’t have a blueprint to go by

 

To I feel what your saying. I think we’re still working on our communication. He is a very reserved person and he tells me that he doesn’t want to bother me sometimes. For instance when my mom had surgery I was with her for a week. I text him and let him know how she was doing and he said thank you, I didn’t want to bother you. So with me being 12 hours away I’m sure he’s not going to initiate contact for that reason. I keep thinking that if I reach out will I look desperate since I’m supposed to be spending time with family or if I don’t reach out will he think I don’t care about him?

The guessing games are really concerning.  My husband is more introverted/reserved but -after 5 months of dating if I wanted to know about a specific situation - "should I call you?" I'd just ask.  Do  you feel comfortable in your own skin with him -do you feel "at home"? What do you mean by "talking" to other men - what is "talking" and what do you mean by not treating you right - I talk and have talked to many many men in my life and if a person doesn't treat me with respect I either stop talking to that person or keep it within very strict boundaries (like if we work together). 

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I think you should do what you feel like doing.  What will it hurt at this point?  These are unprecedented times with COVID/staying in/all the stress that goes with being locked down.  People are not themselves this year, so I would not read too far into a little less communication on his part. He might also think since you did make the effort to travel, that you want focused time with loved ones, which may or may not be true.

You should just be you and reach out.  There are no blueprints anymore 😀

 

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I keep thinking that if I reach out will I look desperate since I’m supposed to be spending time with family or if I don’t reach out will he think I don’t care about him?

How about doing what you want to do, reaching out when you want to, asking him for what you want in a relationship, and if he thinks you're desperate or you scare him away, then he wasn't the right person for you anyway? Let him go if that's the case.

It's like you both have have these walls built up, and neither of you will ever be able to scale them. It will keep you emotionally disconnected, as it seems you are so far, since you probably should have gotten ridden of this insecurity months ago.

Why don't you tell him, "You won't be bothering me at all if you call or text to say hello. In fact, I'd love it if you did. If I'm ever to busy to not answer at that moment, I can always return the text or call when I have a free moment."

Living in fear, how can anyone feel comfortable around you? You're self sabotaging. Whatever happens, you will survive. Don't see him as your last hope for happiness in the world. Just be the best gf you can be, and that's the only control you have, besides making sure your needs are met and if they are not, speak up or break up. If it works out great. If it doesn't, you will have more life experience to tuck under your belt. Good luck. 

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All the advice has been great and much needed. I definitely feel like we both have a wall up, so going into this new year that needs to change b/c he’s showed me he cares about me and I’ve done the same. I reached out to him and he responded almost immediately with a long paragraph that was heartfelt and sincere. I think this has helped me to be more open with him

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