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Feeling angry about how my boyfriend treated my cat now that my cat has passed?


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Unfortunately, I was unable to talk to my boyfriend last weekend because I was busy taking care of my cat who very unfortunately became quite ill and I had to put my cat down just the other day. Needless to say, I am completely heartbroken. Well my boyfriend was here last weekend seeing how ill my cat was and he kept on saying to me you really need to put the cat down in the next few days before the Christmas holiday since it may be hard for someone to help you to put him down during the holiday. He did say it softly because he knew my son is very sensitive about the cat was in the other room. However to me his voice is still loud so I requested that he will not discuss it at that time. I was aware that my cat was not doing that well and had planned to take him to the vet anyway the following day on Monday which was the same day that we had to put him down. What’s interesting is since I put my cat down on Monday my boyfriend has been very sympathetic and keeps on saying that I wish he could do something for me etc. it’s sort of like now that I’m down for the count he is supportive. Meanwhile, when my cat was alive even before he got sick my boyfriend was not supportive in the least with the cat and wanted me to put my cat down just because of the fact that he was 17 years old which makes no sense. When he discussed this my son again overheard him at that time and was very upset at what he heard. Eventually, my boyfriend dropped it until recently of course when my cat fell ill. In addition, my boyfriend was never, with very few exceptions nice or respectful to the cat and as a result my cat hissed generally when my boyfriend was around at him which was slightly unusual for him to do so. He just didn’t like him. My boyfriend was complaining about my cats litter getting all over the floor and how I left the food near the kitchen sink as opposed to across the kitchen where would be more out of the way he also made fun of the cat food etc.What my boyfriend doesn’t know yet is that me and my son are considering at least fostering another cat since our lives feel very empty without our cat. I plan on bringing this up to my boyfriend when I see him this weekend just to see what his reaction is since he is not a cat lover despite the fact that he’s told me he was a dog lover and he had a dog for 15 years before he had to put it down. Once I get past that subject, I can get onto the other concerns relative to him being controlling and bossy and over opinionated even though his underlying motive may be a good one. It should be interesting to see how this goes.

 

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Unfortunately, your BF continues to be controlling and alienates you from your son and daughter.

It's important that even though you're windowed and lonely, you don't need someone like this generating this much conflict in your life.

Hopefully you have repaired the damages he has already done bringing your daughter to tears insulting her and interfering with her wedding happiness.

Even though he's a dentist and financially generous at times, it doesn't change the damages he's doing to your kids.

Sorry to hear about your cat. Try to lean on your friends and family for support. 

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I don't agree with you remaining with this man at all. I think he is very bossy. But I do think he was right in that you needed to help put the cat down before you didn't get the option as things will close near Christmas.

It would have caused the cat great suffering. Also, at 17 years of age, the cat could have still been suffering because that is fairly old for a cat and they aren't in the best shape being that old. I am an animal lover and I hate to see any animal suffer it out. I am not saying to put animals down just because they are old, but I do think in this case he had a point.

If it's the same man though that judged your daughter and was critical and again, bossy, I have no idea why you allow this man to remain in your life.

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Speaking for myself as a cat lover, there is no way that I'd date a guy who didn't like cats--much less try to negotiate a future with one.

I don't believe that this makes anyone a villain, it's just not a good match, so I wouldn't waste my time only to complain about the outcome.

You get to decide your own priorities, but you can base your future experience with this guy on your experience of the past--it's not going to improve if you want any cat or cats in your future.

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So I was ready to talk to my boyfriend and before I could he already critiqued the fact that I didn’t blow dry my hair all the way. That was enough to set me off. I told him everything that was on my mind including the fact that he was over controlling, over opinionated, and said things that hurt unnecessarily and didn’t need to be said in a matter what he says it.
I gave him specific examples of all of this behavior and I was quite to the point raising my voice during much of the discussion since I felt so strongly and I was so angry. I also mentioned to him I did not appreciate the way he treated my late cat. To my surprise, he mentioned that he did actually owned two cats sometime ago and what I said look I might just get a cat again and I don’t wanna hear anything from you he said of course I’ll support whatever decision you make. That was a surprise! I let him know that I wasn’t going to stand for any of this behavior and that if I wanted to have an opinion that I would ask for it and that otherwise he has to keep his mouth closed but any decisions I might make.

He sort of apologized just saying look I’m just just trying to help or be of some assistance to you and I told him I don’t need any of his help and if I do need help I’ll let him know. He seemed to understand and be receptive and did not argue with me but we both ended up with tears. He was crying telling me how ill his adult daughter is right now and he hasn’t really told me all that was going on with her and he knows she may only have another 10 years or so with that condition (I feel really bad for his daughter although I know she’s getting proper medical care she had a stroke at 35 and is married with a few kids. His ex wife has been living with the daughter and takes care of them full time.). But really what does that have to do with what I was talking about?

So he ended up crying about that and I was crying about the way he has hurt me. After all that he goes ahead and makes me a nice dinner and I really don’t know where to go from here. On the one hand I know he really does love me and he wants to be a good partner but on the other side I’m not really sure he has the capability to do so since he clearly has an issue with control.  If nothing else. I did tell him I thought he was partly narcissistic and he still didn’t flinch when I told him that which makes me think that someone’s already told him that his prior relationships. In any event I don’t know if I’m hoping for something that it’s just not realistic in terms of the check any change in his behavior and or sensitivity.

 

Edited by Feelingnolove
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Maybe cool it for the next while. I'm sorry your cat just passed but don't use this as a reason to take things out on your relationship. Deal with the relationship at another time if it's not working for you. He's worried over his daughter also. 

I wouldn't push this anymore right now. The number one reason is taking care of you and your son who were attached to the cat and allowing your partner to deal with his family worries and his daughter. If anything else, keep it as respectful as possible. 

When there's loss there are a lot of emotions. Anger, being one of them. Let things cool off. Come back to the relationship another time. Keep your observations and come back to anything you want to discuss at a later time. If you have one foot out the door, keeping him around is cruel. End the relationship if it's not right for you. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I've found the direct approach is the most effective.  Also, don't sit on something for months or years if it's bothering you.

I've had people speak to me in a way I found offensive or hurtful.  I will simply say "Please do not speak to me that way".  If they continue I just repeat myself..."Please do not speak to me that way".  Almost every single time, the person stomped off only to return later and apologize.

I won't tolerate anyone being disrespectful or rude.  Especially someone who claims to love me.

As for his "my daughter is sick" excuse, you are right, what does that have to do with being rude to you?  He can say "I'm going through a tough time and I may not be the most pleasant person to be around.  Please let me know if I cross the line with you".  Not criticize how you blow dry your hair and claim it's to "help" you!

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So how long have you been together? Does he actually live with you? If he doesn't live with you, and he is also just your boyfriend, not husband or fiance, his behaviour is out of line. He has no right to tell you off about what to do with your cat. Unless of course you were abusing or neglecting your cat, which you weren't. He has no right to tell you to put down your cat just because the cat is older. It also says something about his character if he's willing to basically just kill a pet just because of their older age. To me that sounds like he has no compassion and doesn't actually like animals (at least cats) that much. If you're a big cat lover then why do you want a partner who feels this way? Not to mention the fact that he bosses you around your own house and upsets your child.

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If you two want to stay together and, having heard you don’t like the way he helps, he wants to unlearn the habit and engage with you in a way that is more enjoyable, he will need to be more mindful about what he says to you and you will probably find yourself working to enforce the boundary around not giving unsolicited advice since this has been his way of relating to you for a long time.

I think maybe it would be worth clarifying with him in a calm moment that you do both want to stay together and you never want to hear unsolicited advice again and will call it out when it happens/remove yourself from the conversation if he persists. (And ask him for his advice when you do want it).
 

If you both go in with genuine intent to level up I think you can work through this (he definitely needs to be on board though).

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Wow this is the same guy who was telling you about what you and your daughter should be doing when it comes to your daughter's wedding. And now this guy was telling you what to do with your dying cat? Does he not realize you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions?

To be honest, I think this guy sounds extremely annoying and he lacks boundaries. You are a saint for being with him. You might think he loves you and if he does, his love has limits and it limits him from truly loving you for you.

Just from my own personal experience and I now believe there's truth to it. Don't second guess your pet's judge of character. I know I have twice and have made a vow not to ever second guess him because it literally bit his butt off! One was a neighbor and that neighbor ended up stealing my things on my porch (video to prove it). Second was a pitbull I thought was nice but my dog never liked her. One day that dog came out of nowhere and bit my dog's butt while we were walking in the neighborhood. Luckily owner came running at her and she let go. But he has barked twice showing his teeth when meeting two individuals from the get-go, that was the thieving neighbor and the pitbull he never liked. 

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Posted (edited)

My boyfriend show up over this past holiday weekend and I was just observing to see what he said and did after a talk from the prior weekend. To my surprise overall he was much easier to be around since he was not offensive with too many comments. I even purposely had wet hair sort of just a test him and he said nothing. The only incidence was him saying I shouldn’t be using a certain coffee creamer because of preservatives but I told him I was aware of that and I didn’t really care so he dropped it.
He also got over involved in to getting another cat for my son and once I found one  he kept on saying is it available  because I’ll go over and pay for it myself and we can just surprise your son. I told him I can’t surprise my son with a cat since he has to feel comfortable with the cat and he’s also an adult and can make his own mind. After several times he repeated himself I repeated myself as well and he dropped it.
He also made a comment that I buy half of my sons groceries. I was ready to respond but I didn’t just seeing how the rest of the weekend went. However, there is some truth and I do help my son buy groceries because he doesn’t earn much at his job and he has high medical bills because of a medical condition. He did complement me on many things including how I played golf and how I instructed my son in golf when he was here the other day.

However, he also started questioning my long-term loyalty by telling me he wanted me forever and when I didn’t respond he said what about you, etc. He said he loves me so so much more than anyone else in his entire life and I do feel the love from him because he is very very affectionate and I really do believe him. Can this be genuine and he just has to be reminded about his behavior sometimes?

 

Edited by Feelingnumb321
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16 minutes ago, Feelingnumb321 said:

Can this be genuine and he just has to be reminded about his behavior sometimes?

OP, the fact you are here even asking this question says it all?  You do not need this person in your life, and you know it.

What Wiseman said. Heed his words.

 

On 12/24/2020 at 10:42 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It's important that even though you're windowed and lonely, you don't need someone like this generating this much conflict in your life.

17 minutes ago, Feelingnumb321 said:

since he was not offensive with too many comments.

How nice of him!!  The man is a total control freak.

 

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Seems like you are treating him like another son, instructing him on how to properly speak to you and treat you. It's easy for him to "be good" for a day or two. Longer term the real him will creep back out.

If this parent/child dynamic is what floats your boat then I guess you'll be happy.

But if you want someone who inheritantly speaks to you respectfully and who doesn't feel the need to criticize how you do basic everyday tasks, this man is not the one.

Question for you; how badly do you want to remain in this relationship?

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