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She still has feelings for him


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We both were school mates and have been in touch on and off for the past 10-12 years. We didn't use to talk that much until 5 months ago when I confessed my feelings to her. We have been talking daily on text and calls since then. She likes me too and tells me that she has never seen a guy like me and would want to see her future with me. 

She had been in a relationship for the past 8 years. She told me that they both have slept together. I didn't intend to ask any further details. But she tells me that in the later stages of her relationship, she kind of knew he wasn't the right person for her (as he cheated on her but she gave him another chance). Also her parents categorically rejected the guy ( this means a lot in an Indian family). This all happened before I was in the picture. 

We both are not officially in a relationship yet. Since we live in different cities (and our relationship at least in the initial stage would be a long distance one), we both have decided to meet first and start a new journey together. And she is serious about it. 

Since we've known each other (though only a little) for a very long time and it's not like we just met 5 months ago, we ask straightforward questions to each other. I wanted to be sure if I was moving in the right direction. So I asked her if she still got feelings for that guy. She said yes and it'd take some time for her feelings to fade away. And I completely understand that it's not easy to not feel for someone whom you have been with for so many years.

The problem is that guy isn't understanding at all. He thinks she will eventually be back with him. He will try everything possible to get her back. She has told him that her parents won't allow them to be together and she too doesn't see their future together. Still he keeps on trying and not letting her move on. He doesn't know about me yet but I believe once he does, he'd try even harder to get her back. He might even go on to call her parents and tell bad things about me so that my relationship with her doesn't work out.  Even if we get into relationship, that guy will interfere in some way or the other. 

So I don't know what to do now. I'm willing to support her and give her as much time as she wants to get over him and to sort the matter out with him. Should I wait before he moves on because until that happens he is definitely going to interfere? Or should I start my relationship without thinking about him? If latter happens, I don't want her to waste time on that guy. But she will have to spend her energy trying to sort out the things and make him realize their future is not possible. Also I don't want to hide from my parents that I'd be going to her city to start my relationship with her.  And obviously, I'd need their permission as well. So, I have to tell them. Is it too early for that? 

I am in a dilemma right now. 

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You're worried about the wrong person here. 

He isn't the problem. She is. She isn't over him and she's letting him stay in her life. He could not meddle and cause issues if she didn't allow it. She allows it because she isn't ready to let him go. So he isn't the one who doesn't understand the situation - that would be you, actually. 

Trying to start something with her right now is a bad idea, and likely to bring you pain. She isn't in a place to truly offer you more than friendship. Her heart and mind are still with her ex. Until she is well and truly over him and stops responding to him, you are wasting your time with her. 

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What happened 5mos ago and why did you contact her then?

Unfortunately it seems she's on/off or still involved with her BF.

This may explain her reluctance.

Try not to get too invested in an online, long distance romance with someone who's still in another relationship.

Whatever happened in your life 5 mos ago when you started getting wrapped up in this would be a good place to start to reflect on why you're involved in this.

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Nothing you can do, as she still loves him.  

" I'm willing to support her and give her as much time as she wants to get over him and to sort the matter out with him."   This is nuts! You are really setting yourself up for hurt. What happens when she returns to him?   Find someone who is available.

 

You need to cut contact and move on.  This has no future.

Edited by Hollyj
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This is for her to contend with and her to fix, not you and not the parents.

If she truly wants this guy out of her life, she will go and tell the parents that he is harassing her, that he is not a good guy and she wants nothing more to do with him.

Then she will tell him the same and block him.

Until she does those things, she's not being serious with you and she is playing both you and him.

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The problem is that guy isn't understanding at all. He thinks she will eventually be back with him. He will try everything possible to get her back. She has told him that her parents won't allow them to be together and she too doesn't see their future together. Still he keeps on trying and not letting her move on.

When I dated, I had a hard and fast rule that if someone I was interested in dating was still in contact with the ex, he wasn't the right partner for me.

A person can't have closure while still in contact. A person cannot bond with a new partner while still in contact. A person is being disrespectful to their partner if they are pouring emotional energy and time into someone else who they one had sex with.

Like others have said, she wouldn't be in this situation if she didn't want to be. It's called blocking, deleting, calling the police if he can't take no for an answer. 

Never become romantic with someone unless they are free and clear of any romantic entanglements. When you do that, you will have no need to write about problems on a forum. You will be enjoying time with your love without an annoying third wheel.

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On 12/24/2020 at 2:09 AM, thelonelyguy said:

She had been in a relationship for the past 8 years.

How long ago did they break up? If it's recent enough that the guy still believes that he has a chance with her, then it's too premature for you to date her. She's in rebound territory, and you'd merely be inserting yourself in their drama.

You've been in contact for years, so I'd tell her that I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. She gets to settle her old business. If she ever reaches a point where the guy is completely out of her life and she's completely over him, she can let you know. Unless and until that happens, I'd avoid ruining any future potential by trying to inject myself too soon.

Head high and read up on 'rebounding.'

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