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Advice Needed: Miscarriage


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Hey everyone,

Unfortunately, I find myself here again in sad circumstances. Today, my wife is at the clinic having a d&c following miscarriage. This is our second pregnancy; the first was accidental early in our relationship, and though we decided to keep the baby, it turned out to be anembryonic, and so failed. This time we actually started trying for a child, and we had confirmation of an embryo, but they didn't make it, and now at around 10 weeks we are saying goodbye. 

I feel we are both handling it well and being very supportive of each other. Fortunately, her work has been awesome, and I am already on leave, so we have time to be there.

To be honest, I am here just to tell someone. To hear some support and encouragement. I am walking that tightrope of being the rock for her while also showing my vulnerability when appropriate, but as is only human, inside it hurts a lot, most if all seeing her go through this when she wants it so much.

I am also feeling guilty, because in honesty, when the first pregnancy failed, i was a little relieved on some level. I have worked hard in the intervening year and a half to get stable and build a life where I am ready, but I feel like I invited some darkness then. 

If anyone has any advice, from practical advice to deal with the pain, to spiritual guidance on letting go of guilt and grief, to just kind words and encouragement to keep trying, I would welcome them.

Thank you,

T

 

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I am so very sorry for your loss and your wife’s loss. I suffered 4 myself including a 16 week loss. It is devastating. Just be supportive and kind to each other. It is ok to grieve. Both of you need to. 
 

You didn’t create any bad mojo. It is very common for both people to feel guilty and to have failed some how, but you didn’t . 
 

What I did was write a poem for my 16 week little one and we had a religious ceremony and I know his burial place. You could create something with your wife in remembrance of your little one. 
 
Once again sorry for your loss. 

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I'm so sorry.

I too have lost pregnancies.  It's very difficult to deal with.

Please don't think you "caused" the miscarriage because you were somewhat relieved the first one didn't work out.  

I gave the second loss a name (she's a girl) and I had a very nice dream about her that put me at peace.  I know I'll see her on the other side when I get there, and I look forward to spending eternity with her.  In the meantime she is with all of my loved ones who have gone before me.

I wish you peace.

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7 hours ago, Seraphim said:

How are you both doing ? 

Hey Seraphim and all,

Thank you so much for all your support and kind words. We have been doing well; supporting each other. My wife is not always the most at ease expressing herself emotionally, but I think she has felt safe to do so. Overall, we are OK. We have a nice dinner planned tonight for Christmas, and a quiet New Year, so just being there and taking it as it comes.

Thank you all again and Merry Christmas!

T

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I am so sorry to hear of your and your family's loss and I am glad you're doing a little better. I'm glad you posted here and got support. My friend had an accidental pregnancy with her SO after they were dating a year, then a miscarriage, then they tried to get pregnant and she did -at age 40!  After that she had one or two miscarriages and they have their child and they're happy.  It all worked out.  She was thinking of termination with the first, accidental one so I am sure they had mixed emotions about actually trying after that.  I'm just sharing as it really did work out and they're a strong committed couple and family.

 

All the best to you and your wife.

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9 hours ago, WaywardKiwi said:

Hey Seraphim and all,

Thank you so much for all your support and kind words. We have been doing well; supporting each other. My wife is not always the most at ease expressing herself emotionally, but I think she has felt safe to do so. Overall, we are OK. We have a nice dinner planned tonight for Christmas, and a quiet New Year, so just being there and taking it as it comes.

Thank you all again and Merry Christmas!

T

Just hold each other close and let it make you stronger . ❤️

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