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Some advice.


All4Trucking

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I hope that this is the correct area for posting this.

I would like to start by saying, thank you for the advice, I don’t know how I came across this forum, but I am glad I did.

I hope my story isn’t too long, but gives weight to my situation. My ex-girlfriend and I met in 2012, and after a year being together she got pregnant, it was a shock to both of us, but both of us were very happy. Soon after that we go engaged. After my son was born, we started to really struggle financially, and this started to put an extreme strain on our relationship, eventually ending it in 2016.  My son now 7, stay with me during the weekends.

My son and I have an amazing relationship together that has always been unbreakable. I can’t say so much for my Ex. Over the years, especially after the breakup, she has become a very sour person.

She has been in and out of many relationships. Her recent boyfriend and she now have been together for now I believe a year. He lives with her at her apartment.

I myself have been in and out of relationships, recently meeting an amazing woman who I plan to build a future with, my son absolutely adores her.

I bring all this up, because it seems anytime I have found someone, she become very distant and sour. I don’t care much, but she can be very “vindictive” well, this is what it appears, I could be wrong.

I am a very nice person as it stands, I don’t look for arguments. But, it feels as if with a flip of switch she looks for something to argue about, mainly my son. Our last argument took place about 2 weeks ago.

My son, asked me if he could stay up late with me and watch a Christmas movie, of course I said yes.

My son went home back to his mother’s house, and about several hours later, I get a nasty text saying “YOU LET HIM STAY UP LATE!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUT?” He has a (bad word) bed time.

This is just an example. Mind you I never critique her parenting, no matter the issue, I just stay out of her parenting business so to speak.

These are words I would never use or say to her.

So, my issue is learning to deal with her, and hopefully her sourness doesn’t flow into my new relationship, because, it really puts me in a funk, as I take it personally. I try to not let it get to me, I’ve been told “just ignore her” but that’s not so easy when we have a child together, and I still have to deal with her, checking up on him, schedules, etc.

Any advice?

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Sorry about all this. 

Reading this my first thought is that, if the bulk of the arguments concern your son, maybe it would be a good time to establish some basic rules that are set in both households. As you've described things, I don't get the impression that there is a lot of co-parenting going on here, at least in terms of communication between you and your ex, so much as two (clashing?) modes of parenting in two homes. Perhaps if you guys can get on the same page when it comes to the general outline of childcare, there will be less sourness and, if not quite sweetness, at least more room to breathe into new chapters in your individual lives. 

That said, I do think you need to work on not taking this so personally. 

 

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20 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

Reading this my first thought is that, if the bulk of the arguments concern your son, maybe it would be a good time to establish some basic rules that are set in both households. As you've described things, I don't get the impression that there is a lot of co-parenting going on here, at least in terms of communication between you and your ex, so much as two (clashing?) modes of parenting in two homes. Perhaps if you guys can get on the same page when it comes to the general outline of childcare, there will be less sourness and, if not quite sweetness, at least more room to breathe into new chapters in your individual lives. 

That said, I do think you need to work on not taking this so personally. 

 

Thank you very much for the replay. 

I and I am not perfect, but I do my best to co-parent as much as possible. Even is the wake of an argument, I take the high road, and do my best to calm the situation.  But, seems ineffective at times, and she's just looking to complain about something, or tell me I am doing something wrong. 

And, yes I do agree, I do my best to try and not take it personally.  But, being called names, and telling me I am not doing something right upsets me, and I let her get to me. Because, I don't want my son affected or my mood affected when he is with me. 

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Reassure your son. Make sure his mother is not dragging him into whatever her issues are.

Whatever nonsense she flings at you is her problem.

As the father you have every right to parent and make decisions as you see fit.

For example, when your son is with you, it's your call what goes on.

Have an age appropriate talk with your son about mom's house/dad's house,etc. 

There may be some good books out there for children to make sense of two households.

She may be pumping him for info and weaponizing it for these nonsense outbursts.

Kids also are quite frank, so the "but dad let's me" thing is common whether you are together or not.

Stay firm and focus on him to understanding two households.

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I agree with Bluecastle on the coparenting rough outlines and expectations. You seem to be diminishing her thoughts not realizing that this may be creating more hostility. The cycle continues. You are dismissive and she is hostile. It can be so difficult to lay the pitchforks aside but try! This isn't about you versus her because she keeps picking on you. Let it be more about your son. 

If she has issues about him staying up late, work on ironing out some bed time rules between the both of you so there is consistency in both households. I think children thrive with consistency. 

 

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