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Boyfriend mad over dinner


Lily

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I sound so silly typing this. But today I started preparing a meal for my boyfriend while he was out. Once I said I was making spaghetti ..  He called me saying don’t make the sauce without me you don’t make it properly. I was upset he wouldn’t let me have a go but said ok. 
i just cooked the mince and waited for Him to come home to do the rest. He started getting angry saying why don’t you listen to me, I told you to wait. We was supposed to make it together. He then said with anger and frustration you don’t know how to make it right, let me do it. 
he’s still angry at the fact I didn’t listen to him. 
ive been giving him silent treatment 

Who’s in the wrong? 

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2 minutes ago, Lily said:

But he seems to be frustrated at me lately 

Can you give other examples of how he's shown this frustration? 

When you're getting into little spats like this—when a spaghetti sauce incident leads to the silent treatment—it's generally just a proxy for larger issues of disconnect, unhappiness, poor communication. 

How old are you guys, and how long have you been together? 

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2 minutes ago, Lily said:

Not really. He says I should make my own choices so this comes as a surprise to me. 
he usually likes my food so I’m not sure where this has come from. But he seems to be frustrated at me lately 

Sometimes people pick a fight over a small issue because they are avoiding addressing a big issue that's actually bothering them. So you might want to ask him what's really up with him.

The silent treatment or getting into who is right and who is wrong doesn't solve problems. If you've noticed that he is acting frustrated/picking fights over small things a lot with you lately, probably best to have a talk about that when you are both calmer. Find out what is actually going on.

 

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3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Can you give other examples of how he's shown this frustration? 

When you're getting into little spats like this—when a spaghetti sauce incident leads to the silent treatment—it's generally just a proxy for larger issues of disconnect, unhappiness, poor communication. 

How old are you guys, and how long have you been together? 

We are 24 and been together 2 years. Last week at the grocery store he got very mad because I told him to put his mask on, he told me I’m his girlfriend not his mum and he was saying I’m bossy. He then left the whole supermarket and wouldn’t answer his phone 

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21 minutes ago, Lily said:

He called me saying don’t make the sauce without me you don’t make it properly.

 He started getting angry saying why don’t you listen to me, I told you to wait. 

he’s still angry at the fact I didn’t listen to him. 

Sorry this is happening. Stop making him dinner. never reward controlling abusive behavior. The silent treatment won't change him. Action will. That means stop jumping through his hoops as if he's a trainer at a dog obedience school. Just say no to obnoxious behavior.

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I think this is who he is. If he dislikes you or isn't attracted to you anymore, few people will come out and admit that especially when cornered.

You'll have to read between the lines and be prepared to come to your own conclusions.

If he cannot communicate about dinner or shopping, it's unlikely he'll open up at will about deeper issues that are bothering him. If he does, in the off chance, be prepared also that he's just not interested in being with you. OR he wants to be with you but it's not out of attraction, mutual respect or romance.

This relationship may have run its course and the both of you are no longer on the same page. If you have fundamental issues involving your living situation, finances, big differences in the way you live or choose to plan for the future, the differences may be irreconcilable. 

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Tom convinces Ben that whitewashing a fence is great pleasure, and after some bargaining, Ben agrees to give Tom his apple in exchange for the privilege of working on the fence. Over the course of the day, every boy who passes ends up staying to whitewash, and each one gives Tom something in exchange. By the time the fence has three coats, Tom has collected a hoard of miscellaneous treasures. Tom muses that all it takes to make someone want something is to make that thing hard to get.

 

 
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I call this the spilled orange juice incident. My in-laws got into it with each other when one of them spilled orange one morning and it was a big fight....that means it's not the spaghetti sauce, it's something else that is making him angry, that a deeper issue is involved.

Just sit him down and explain you don't appreciate being talked to like that over something so trivial...then ask what is truly the matter, that you are there for him, lets talk about it.

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18 hours ago, Lily said:

He then left the whole supermarket and wouldn’t answer his phone

Oh, lordy. He behaves like a jerk, but what's this business about you getting upset when he asked you to wait? 

18 hours ago, Lily said:

I was upset he wouldn’t let me have a go but said ok.

It sounds like the two of you have been locked in a power struggle for quite some time. 

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Pettiness aside, there's no way, during the height of a pandemic, that I'd live in a household with someone who resists wearing a mask in public. He's not just putting himself at risk, he'd be risking a spread to ME as well.

That's not his choice to make--I'd be gone.

I'd hotel-up or motel-up or otherwise find a temporary place to quarantine while I seek a more permanent living situation without putting anyone else at risk.

It sounds as though this relationship has run its course. He's resentful and mean, and he's deteriorated into behaving dangerously. I'd move my focus forward onto the kind of future that I want to build for myself.

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