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Establishing Sexual Boundaries/ Breaking toxic dating (19 f)


Kate-305

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So, yesterday I came out of my latest relationship, almost 6 months. The thing that I'm concerned about is my lack of emotion. Of course I'm having the usual blues but really nothing compared to my past break ups, some of which included hysterical crying and texting. I think I am becoming numb to the cycle I continue to put myself through. Since I was 15 I haven't been able to spend more than probably 6-8 months on my own without having someone to mess around/ be with. 

Most of my relationships go as follows. We hit it off. Sex around month 1-2. We continue for the next 2-3 months. Sex life is great so much so we spend more time cuddling and in bed then out on dates. Around month 4 things get rocky I find some other girl that I need to worry about but I'm talked out of my worrying. Month 5 I barely get any kind of interaction if I don't plead for it. It ends.

I'm having problems with the revolving door relationship cycle I have put myself in. Also I think part of my issue is the sexual side of these relationships. Sex has been a big part of all my relationships. I think even in some cases I have pushed my partner more than they were ready for. Sometimes I feel like sex is my biggest asset in these relationships. I see these issues in myself but I don't know why I can't stop myself. Each time I can sense the pattern but I subject myself to it EVERYTIME.

I need some insight on these issues. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is there some kind of plan I need to make for myself to break these habits?

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8 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

What do you think is wrong or toxic about your dating?

Reason I'm asking is that what you are describing is pretty par for your age. Dating around, figuring out who you are, what you do and don't want or like, growing a bit from the experiences. So what do you identify as toxic?

I think my toxic trait is my sexual promiscuity. I also think I have a problem staying single. I love being in a relationship even if it's half-hearted and I know it. Or am I worrying over nothing??

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Waiting 1-2 months to sleep with a guy doesn't make you promiscuous. If you were having one night stands with randos all the time....then you have some issues.

Relationships as such at your age simply do not last. Aren't meant to last. You aren't dating for forever after. You are dating to learn. 

There is nothing wrong with enjoying or wanting sex or having a high libido. Realizing that is important in that you should seek out partners who also have a high libido. Nothing wrong with that at all. There are people who are fine with sex only once every few months and then there are those who love it every day or more and of course every variety in between the extremes. What you need to be doing is figuring out where you fit on that spectrum and then seek out your own tribe so to speak. Ultimately, we all have to do that because you do not want to marry or be long term with someone who is your polar opposite sexually.

The wanting to be in a relationship is normal. Settling for less than is the only thing that you do need to work on. Having a fulfilling life solo that doesn't revolve around anyone is important as well. Think of it like being able to shift your focus and expand your own horizons - school, work, interests, friends, hobbies, etc. It's also kind of a vicious cycle. When you have a happy, busy, fulfilling life, you become really selective about how you spend your time and with who. Basically, less than guys don't make the cut because you have better and more interesting things to do than waste your time on them.

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I wonder if you can try to think about all this less judgmentally. 

Dating people, having sex, wanting sex, enjoying sex—this is all healthy and human stuff, even when it doesn't evolve into something Life Changing, even when it devolves into something Meh. 

Reading between the lines a bit, my impression is that your dating experiences, thus far, have helped you see something more you'd like—a connection, perhaps, where sex is a currency rather than the currency. Well, terrific! That doesn't mean you need to label everything that got you to this place "toxic," but rather to celebrate learning more about yourself, what you want. Putting language to that, I think, might serve you a lot better than putting yourself down.  

Per some of what DancingFool is saying: I think a lot of people, particularly when they're young, end up in some "half-hearted" relationships because they don't want it to be "just sex" or to feel "promiscuous." And yet it's staying in something that's just sort of so-so that is more spiritually corrosive, as one can observe in those in deeply unhappy marriages. 

Curious to know: What do you want seen, appreciated, and celebrated about you, from others, that has nothing to do with sex? What do you see, appreciate, and celebrate in yourself that has nothing to do with sex?   

 

 

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1 hour ago, Kate-305 said:

So, yesterday I came out of my latest relationship, almost 6 months. The thing that I'm concerned about is my lack of emotion. Of course I'm having the usual blues but really nothing compared to my past break ups, some of which included hysterical crying and texting. I think I am becoming numb to the cycle I continue to put myself through. Since I was 15 I haven't been able to spend more than probably 6-8 months on my own without having someone to mess around/ be with. 

Most of my relationships go as follows. We hit it off. Sex around month 1-2. We continue for the next 2-3 months. Sex life is great so much so we spend more time cuddling and in bed then out on dates. Around month 4 things get rocky I find some other girl that I need to worry about but I'm talked out of my worrying. Month 5 I barely get any kind of interaction if I don't plead for it. It ends.

I'm having problems with the revolving door relationship cycle I have put myself in. Also I think part of my issue is the sexual side of these relationships. Sex has been a big part of all my relationships. I think even in some cases I have pushed my partner more than they were ready for. Sometimes I feel like sex is my biggest asset in these relationships. I see these issues in myself but I don't know why I can't stop myself. Each time I can sense the pattern but I subject myself to it EVERYTIME.

I need some insight on these issues. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is there some kind of plan I need to make for myself to break these habits?

Take your time then and smell the roses. Don't rush anything if your heart isn't in it. I firmly believe in trusting your instincts. If something doesn't seem right or if it's too rushed, leave it and come back to each other another time. Things will flow more easily. Hormones are a thing so if you're mindful of your wants/desires but can navigate through it without rushing or going with temptation all the time, I think it makes the end results sweeter in the end - through no real planning or intention. It just works out that way. 

Take it easy! You're too hard on yourself. Too much pressure and tension. 

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You are experiencing dating and it's normal. You will have a start, middle and an end, then onto the next. You will do this probably many times. Some shorter, some go on longer. This is how we grow, develop, learn about ourselves, and it is always changing. Your goals, your likes, dislikes, change with you. There is nothing to worry about. You figure it out as you go along.

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On 12/22/2020 at 4:17 AM, Kate-305 said:

I think my toxic trait is my sexual promiscuity. I also think I have a problem staying single. I love being in a relationship even if it's half-hearted and I know it. 

Sounds like you have "abandonment" issues (not wanting to be alone).  Perhaps time to see a professional counsellor/therapist and really dig a little deeper to get to the core of the issue to find out where all this is coming from?

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On 12/21/2020 at 11:21 AM, Kate-305 said:

I'm having problems with the revolving door relationship cycle I have put myself in.

I don't find the duration of your relationships anything to be concerned about. And I think it's good that you will spend 6-8 months between relationships. I had a similar M.O. when I was your age. In fact, my longest relationship happened when I was 15 - 17 (20 months). After that, until I was 34, my longest relationship was 7 months.. and the majority of my relationships were much shorter than that!! 

I just wasn't ready to commit, for whatever reason. And I have to admit, I enjoyed the thrill of the chase, and the feeling of having a crush on somebody. Both of which inevitably faded after getting to know the person.

Now I'm 43, and I've been in a healthy, loving relationship for the last 8.5 years. So, it's not like anything was wrong with me back then. I'm obviously capable of managing a successful relationship. 

I think what you are describing is very common for your age. And your questioning and concern about it is also very common.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to overcomplicate simple stuff like exploring your sexual freedom and youth.

Exactly what I was thinking.  Also exploring doesn't require having multiple partners -exploring can also be about being in tune with your feelings, talking to trusted friends, reading up on what you're going through etc.  Also never ever indulge in "I can't stop myself" especially if it's something unhealthy or sabotaging - it's always a choice.

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