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MIL insisting we get together during covid for Christmas. I'm pregnant and high risk.


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I agree with staying home and not seeing either set of family. It makes the most sense from a health stand point and from the stand point of not furthering animosities.  Just tell everyone you (as a couple) have decided to wait and will not be doing any nonessential visits. 

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Just don't go. It's that simple. Family invitations are not subpoenas. You don't need a long drawn out talk with your MIL. You don't need covid debates. You don't need to bring up past resentment

I haven't seen or spoken to my MIL in 9+ years.  And after a few years, my hubs has finally identified how she manipulates situations to get a response, and to stop enabling her behavior.  I wouldn't

Liz, I have heard that IVF is very complicated and very expensive. Congratulations on being pregnant! I have been following a similar journey with a broadcaster on a radio show out of Atlanta. And she

No, do not do any kind of indoor gathering.  Even with masks, because people will whip them off to eat and drink and there you go...potential exposure.

I got it even though I went to no indoor gatherings, did not dine indoors (or outdoors) and wore my mask religiously.  I got it because I was exposed to someone who encountered someone who was not following safety protocols, and that person breathed their air even with a mask on.

If your husband chooses to visit them or invite them over, let him know either he stays away for two weeks or you do.

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Liz, I have heard that IVF is very complicated and very expensive. Congratulations on being pregnant! I have been following a similar journey with a broadcaster on a radio show out of Atlanta. And she is due in March after years of the IVF journey!

Here are a few of my thoughts: You are not in charge of others’ feelings. Of course it is important to treat people with love and kindness, but that doesn’t mean you cannot set boundaries. In a loving way.

Now that you and your husband are parents (you are growing a baby!), your very first priority is the health of your baby! At this time, you simply cannot be around others - even if they are well meaning and even if they believe they have followed the rules.

Blame it on your doctor. Practice a script in front of the mirror (and have your husband do the same). “We love you so much and we are so sad that COVID prevents us from all getting together! My doctor has expressly ordered that we both stay home, away from others, so that we can protect our precious baby - your grandchild! But we can do a Zoom celebration together.”

Your husband must be on the same page - the two of you must be United. If you stay home and your husband goes, you are still possibly being exposed through your husband! 

Yes, people will feel deeply hurt, but again- you are not in charge of their feelings. You and your husband are in charge of protecting your baby’s health! And you can set those boundaries firmly, but with love, understanding, and compassion. These times suck. But you must think of the baby.

The health of the baby trumps anyone’s feelings. No matter how hurt they feel.

This is something you and your husband must work through together, as a united team!

 

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8 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I see how that could explain the hurt feelings, but these are her parents, and she's pregnant (and hormonal and vulnerable etc.)... maybe she NEEDS the support of seeing her own family this year.  This year has been extremely hard for a lot of people... and pregnancy is vulnerable to depression (the baby can end up having higher risks of mental illnesses etc if the mom is stressed/depressed).

To me, I don't see any problem with her going to her see her own family, especially when they went through the trouble to get tests and quarantine 2 weeks.  I wonder if emotionally and mentally she is really needing their support right now.  

I wouldn't deny a pregnant woman her right to see her parents this year (since they've taken all precautions).  Most couples switch back and forth anyway, so they can go to his next year.

 I don't agree.

Rules change when you're married and it will cause hurt feelings for her husbands family. She can't change how they behave and the risks that come along with that, so no, going to go see them isn't a good idea.

But that being said, if they go to see her parents and not his, it will cause upset. The mother in law doesn't sound like she's the type to take anything sitting down and there will be words if one set of parents is favored over the other.

I don't deny that this year has been hard, or that it isn't a good thing for her to spend time with her parents during a vulnerable time, however, there are more people's feelings here to consider and there will be consequences should she spend time with her parents but leave out the in laws.

You don't need to agree with my opinion, and that's perfectly fine. This forum is for everyone to give their own opinion.

We all have our differences and that's a good thing.

 

Edited by SherrySher
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2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I agree, neither set of parents should be visited. It creates animosity between you and your husband and the two sets of parents. 

Agree, Seraphim. It's a rock and a hard place for sure. But the mother in law will cause more wars if she goes ahead and visits her parents and leaves the in laws out.

Not a good place to be and definitely not ideal, but the in laws do not sound like an understanding family.

I also feel the person that matters most here....is the baby. Baby needs calm right now and baby needs 110% protection. That comes from visiting no one.

Edited by SherrySher
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I'd throw in a little white lie and tell them ...... "I'm following my doctor's advice - Stay home and away from groups/crowds for the safety of the baby".   It probably wouldn't even be a lie as I have no doubt the vast majority of doctors really would advise that.   I wouldn't visit either side of the family as that would definitely cause a major rift and upset.  If you don't see his family, you don't see yours either.  Keep it fair.

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13 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I don't agree with the idea that someone who chose to get pregnant during this pandemic has a special right to have non essential visits with parents or anyone. 

Hmm ... I think a lot of pregnancies are unplanned though.  She may not even be very happy to be pregnant this year, a lot of pregnant women have been reporting higher levels of depression and then postpartum depression (ie, they never planned to get pregnant this year, and are experiencing high levels of stress due to it and are just trying to keep their heads above water).  Sorry to opine, OP, if you actually did plan it, just trying to see the other side of this and maybe another pregnant woman is reading this and going through depression.

Anyway, unless it's literally breaking the law and illegal, she can visit her parents no matter what our opinions are. 🤷‍♀️

Most OB-Gyns are concerned with their patient's mental health during pregnancy... the in-laws causing her extra stress (guilt tripping her husband) is harmful to the baby, period.  It can't always be about them. 🤷‍♀️

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4 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I agree with staying home and not seeing either set of family. It makes the most sense from a health stand point and from the stand point of not furthering animosities.  Just tell everyone you (as a couple) have decided to wait and will not be doing any nonessential visits. 

You know I now see your point -even though the parents are quarantining she is very high risk right now.  I'd do a fun zoom event.

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Can you possibly meet them outside, or maybe drive up to each other and face time and do a gift exchange at that time? The car thing might work because you will be able to control your safety by not getting out of your car, and or being able to zip up the windows. Put the presents in the trunk for a few days.

This Christmas has be so hard on people.  Seems the only thing it is doing is dividing between camps.  Those who are not worried/somewhat worried and the super cautious.

By the way testing can be a bit bogus.  I had a friend who tested negative with symptoms, she then went back for anther test and they keyed in her DOB incorrectly, so she was unable to get the results.  She went back for a third test and was positive. All three tests were within 36 hours of each other and costly to get an answer.  Also should note that light symptoms started more than two weeks before she tested positive.  The contact tracing folks said her exposure was likely more than weeks before testing positive.  

 

Edited by sadchick83
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2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Hmm ... I think a lot of pregnancies are unplanned though.  She may not even be very happy to be pregnant this year, a lot of pregnant women have been reporting higher levels of depression and then postpartum depression (ie, they never planned to get pregnant this year, and are experiencing high levels of stress due to it and are just trying to keep their heads above water).  Sorry to opine, OP, if you actually did plan it, just trying to see the other side of this and maybe another pregnant woman is reading this and going through depression.

Anyway, unless it's literally breaking the law and illegal, she can visit her parents no matter what our opinions are. 🤷‍♀️

Most OB-Gyns are concerned with their patient's mental health during pregnancy... the in-laws causing her extra stress (guilt tripping her husband) is harmful to the baby, period.  It can't always be about them. 🤷‍♀️

You are correct that unless it's against the law, visiting her parents is her choice. I think I bristled because in my area non essential visits are met with fines, yet i have heard some people argue that pregnant women should be exempt. I just don't agree. Pregnancy is a choice, unlike a disability. 

I got the impression OP very much planned this pregnancy, and gave my reasons for my opinion and advice. No none essential visits during a high risk pregnancy makes sense to me, but it is my opinion. I wish her the best either way. Hope she updates us. 

L

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3 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

Can you possibly meet them outside, or maybe drive up to each other and face time and do a gift exchange at that time? The car thing might work because you will be able to control your safety by not getting out of your car, and or being able to zip up the windows. Put the presents in the trunk for a few days.

This Christmas has be so hard on people.  Seems the only thing it is doing is dividing between camps.  Those who are not worried/somewhat worried and the super cautious.

By the way testing can be a bit bogus.  I had a friend who tested negative with symptoms, she then went back for anther test and they keyed in her DOB incorrectly, so she was unable to get the results.  She went back for a third test and was positive. All three tests were within 36 hours of each other and costly to get an answer.  Also should note that light symptoms started more than two weeks before she tested positive.  The contact tracing folks said her exposure was likely more than weeks before testing positive.  

 

Wow that is crazy!! So far we've never been tested because none of us has been exposed that we know of but I've heard of those false negative!Oh my goodness on the symptoms.  My issue is that I'm more tired because of this general situation and that plus the cold weather means I get a runny nose, or my ear hurts, or I feel run down which in typical times is totally typical but of course then I wonder! Fingers crossed that none of us will be actually exposed pre-vaccine.  We're being so careful.

OP I agree with just avoiding all indoor in person contact.  I'm sorry!

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3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I'd throw in a little white lie and tell them ...... "I'm following my doctor's advice - Stay home and away from groups/crowds for the safety of the baby".   It probably wouldn't even be a lie as I have no doubt the vast majority of doctors really would advise that.   I wouldn't visit either side of the family as that would definitely cause a major rift and upset.  If you don't see his family, you don't see yours either.  Keep it fair.

Yes, my mother always told me to tell people "the doctor said" when it came to these kinds of situations.  I agree!

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11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Wow that is crazy!! So far we've never been tested because none of us has been exposed that we know of but I've heard of those false negative!Oh my goodness on the symptoms.  My issue is that I'm more tired because of this general situation and that plus the cold weather means I get a runny nose, or my ear hurts, or I feel run down which in typical times is totally typical but of course then I wonder! Fingers crossed that none of us will be actually exposed pre-vaccine.  We're being so careful.

OP I agree with just avoiding all indoor in person contact.  I'm sorry!

The false negative test occurred at one of those Rapid Testing places and according to my friend the administrator did not stick the Q-tip like thing high enough into her nose.  Some places will have you hold the testing swab and direct you as to how to stick it up your nose for a sample. This is also very costly for an average person.  Who has $170 for each of these tests??  

Also, if you are positive, there is no test which will tell you are for sure negative as a person with continue to test positive for several weeks or even a month after infection.  The “experts” say you are no longer spreading after 10 days, but they say you should go by the 10 day starting period with more major symptoms.  So it's a lot of guesswork. 

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3 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

The false negative test occurred at one of those Rapid Testing places and according to my friend the administrator did not stick the Q-tip like thing high enough into her nose.  Some places will have you hold the testing swab and direct you as to how to stick it up your nose for a sample. This is also very costly for an average person.  Who has $170 for each of these tests??  

Yes, my brother has to be tested regularly as a working nurse. He still insists we not chance a meeting. I haven't seen him in ages, except facetime, but I appreciate his caution. 

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3 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

You are correct that unless it's against the law, visiting her parents is her choice. I think I bristled because in my area non essential visits are met with fines, yet i have heard some people argue that pregnant women should be exempt. I just don't agree. Pregnancy is a choice, unlike a disability. 

I got the impression OP very much planned this pregnancy, and gave my reasons for my opinion and advice. No none essential visits during a high risk pregnancy makes sense to me, but it is my opinion. I wish her the best either way. Hope she updates us. 

L

Yes , here it will be against the law by the 24th. Being pregnant is a choice, disability isn’t. 

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Thank you for the advice.  I see a lot of people saying it was my choice to get pregnant.  Absolutely.  I started the IVF process early in the year, before the pandemic and needed to finish the process because of the packaged deal I got.  When I did the transfer, covid numbers were down.  Even if I was not pregnant, I would prefer to not get the virus and hope that my in laws would want to take precautions out of respect for health in general.  The problem is that they don't.  My parents do want to take precautions. 

I also see a lot of comments about "if you don't see one side of the family, don't see the other".  I get it, but if I were to be a "b" word for a minute, and express my frustration I would say this.  My parents were willing to do their part, his parents don't care.  I feel like I shouldn't have to leave my parents alone on Christmas after the work that they put in.  My dad even skipped chemo last week to continue his quarantine.  Now because of my in-laws actions and lack of consideration, I can't see my parents?  That's my frustration.  I know that my in-laws would not come over here with masks, nothing.  My in-laws live close by and my husband has seen them a lot this year, except for when numbers have spiked recently.  I have not seen my Dad since the spring.  Does anyone understand what I am saying about the in-laws actions (or lack thereof) affecting my parents outcome??  It's like, not only am I giving the in-laws the power over my health, I'm also giving them the power over my family (parents) too??  That seems like a lot of power, which unfortunately is typical for them and it tends to always negatively affect my family with drama, etc.

Edited by liz22
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48 minutes ago, liz22 said:

.  I feel like I shouldn't have to leave my parents alone on Christmas after the work that they put in.  My dad even skipped chemo last week to continue his quarantine.  Now because of my in-laws actions and lack of consideration, 

See your parents. They are following appropriate CDC guidelines.

Also anyone on chemotherapy is at increased risk. So whatever your unmasked careless in-laws spread around your house could be devastating.

Agree that a "white lie" may be the best recourse with the inlaws.

Don't jeopardize a high risk  pregnancy to appease unreasonable people.

No CDC precautions? No entry to your house. It's that simple.

Don't worry about "fair". Worry about facts. 

That's the biggest issue with covid. Facts vs. emotions.

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Play it safe by staying home.  Don't visit your relatives nor your MIL. 

Despite my relatives and in-laws residing locally, my husband and I haven't seen them since Dec 2019. 

In public for grocery shopping, we mask up, social distance, hand wash frequently, etc.  We are following strict protocols. 

Don't take any risks for yourself, your husband and unborn child. 

Better safe than sorry. 

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6 hours ago, liz22 said:

Thank you for the advice.  I see a lot of people saying it was my choice to get pregnant.  Absolutely.  I started the IVF process early in the year, before the pandemic and needed to finish the process because of the packaged deal I got.  When I did the transfer, covid numbers were down.  Even if I was not pregnant, I would prefer to not get the virus and hope that my in laws would want to take precautions out of respect for health in general.  The problem is that they don't.  My parents do want to take precautions. 

I also see a lot of comments about "if you don't see one side of the family, don't see the other".  I get it, but if I were to be a "b" word for a minute, and express my frustration I would say this.  My parents were willing to do their part, his parents don't care.  I feel like I shouldn't have to leave my parents alone on Christmas after the work that they put in.  My dad even skipped chemo last week to continue his quarantine.  Now because of my in-laws actions and lack of consideration, I can't see my parents?  That's my frustration.  I know that my in-laws would not come over here with masks, nothing.  My in-laws live close by and my husband has seen them a lot this year, except for when numbers have spiked recently.  I have not seen my Dad since the spring.  Does anyone understand what I am saying about the in-laws actions (or lack thereof) affecting my parents outcome??  It's like, not only am I giving the in-laws the power over my health, I'm also giving them the power over my family (parents) too??  That seems like a lot of power, which unfortunately is typical for them and it tends to always negatively affect my family with drama, etc.

I totally get it believe me . I have been married almost 27 years and been with my husband for 32 years. His parents  have never cared about me or our son , ever. I get it. 
 

However , if you go to see your parents prepare to stay there at least 2 weeks and to fight with your husband after and have it affect yours AND your child’s relationship with them. True , you will always love your own parents more but trust me when I tell you once favouritism sets in ( despite) all the work your parents put in you are down that slippery path. 

Edited by Seraphim
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7 hours ago, liz22 said:

Thank you for the advice.  I see a lot of people saying it was my choice to get pregnant.  Absolutely.  I started the IVF process early in the year, before the pandemic and needed to finish the process because of the packaged deal I got.  When I did the transfer, covid numbers were down.  Even if I was not pregnant, I would prefer to not get the virus and hope that my in laws would want to take precautions out of respect for health in general.  The problem is that they don't.  My parents do want to take precautions. 

I also see a lot of comments about "if you don't see one side of the family, don't see the other".  I get it, but if I were to be a "b" word for a minute, and express my frustration I would say this.  My parents were willing to do their part, his parents don't care.  I feel like I shouldn't have to leave my parents alone on Christmas after the work that they put in.  My dad even skipped chemo last week to continue his quarantine.  Now because of my in-laws actions and lack of consideration, I can't see my parents?  That's my frustration.  I know that my in-laws would not come over here with masks, nothing.  My in-laws live close by and my husband has seen them a lot this year, except for when numbers have spiked recently.  I have not seen my Dad since the spring.  Does anyone understand what I am saying about the in-laws actions (or lack thereof) affecting my parents outcome??  It's like, not only am I giving the in-laws the power over my health, I'm also giving them the power over my family (parents) too??  That seems like a lot of power, which unfortunately is typical for them and it tends to always negatively affect my family with drama, etc.

No -to me it would not be them giving power over your parents - it would be your decision that it's just too risky even with precautions especially if your dad would have to skip chemo.  I wouldn't put it that way -make a general decision to stay safe.  Especially since you worked so hard to get pregnant -of course of course I'm not saying one pregnancy is more important than another (I was just darn lucky to conceive naturally at almost 42 but of course we knew IVF might be needed, I get it on that level!) - I'm saying you came this far just this once see them virtually.

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