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MIL insisting we get together during covid for Christmas. I'm pregnant and high risk.


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My mother in law is doing the whole guilt trip to my husband about getting together during Christmas.  Her husband is a hospital worker and other family member is at school all day where there are positive cases.  My husband just told me that she wants to get together tomorrow and exchange gifts and have "family time'.  My husband originally thought we would just exchange gifts outside and that would be that.  Now my MIL is doing the guilt trip.  It didn't help that my husband told his mother that we are going to my parents for Christmas.  The only reason why we are going there is because they are quarantining for 2 weeks and getting covid tests ahead of time.  I am also getting a covid test before we go there.  My husband failed to tell is mother that part (about my parents quarantining) and now the drama/jealousy has started.  I want to tell her myself, but wouldn't know how to approach it because I have not been involved in the Christmas conversation to begin with (which also frustrates me).  If my parents were not able to quarantine, they would absolute not want us coming there and putting out health at risk.  I wish my MIL felt the same way, but it seems to always be about her interest.

On top of all this I am pregnant after 7 years of infertility.  I had to do IVF.  That is a whole other story.  My MIL has been radio silent throughout my entire struggle and IVF process.  No support.  She recently wrote a post on facebook about the importance of social distancing during these times, not just because of deaths, but because of putting people at risk who have long term health conditions or who are PREGNANT!  I don't get it.  She won't take her own advice.

I guess I am just venting, but if anyone has advice, please let me know.  I want to stand up for myself and talk to her.  But we don't talk much and we have not talked at all about Christmas (it has only been through my husband), so I feel awkward randomly saying something.

My husband left the whole situation unresolved, which is also frustrating.  I guess he and my MIL will make the decision for everyone tomorrow, which seems inappropriate.  I want to have a voice without being the bitch.

Thanks for listening.

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Just don't go. It's that simple. Family invitations are not subpoenas. You don't need a long drawn out talk with your MIL. You don't need covid debates. You don't need to bring up past resentment

I haven't seen or spoken to my MIL in 9+ years.  And after a few years, my hubs has finally identified how she manipulates situations to get a response, and to stop enabling her behavior.  I wouldn't

Liz, I have heard that IVF is very complicated and very expensive. Congratulations on being pregnant! I have been following a similar journey with a broadcaster on a radio show out of Atlanta. And she

"NO" ids a complete sentence.  Tell MIL you will not be coming for Christmas unless everyone is prepard to stand around outside and talk for X amount of time. This is what we did today at my daughter's house.  No it's not as much fun but that's ok, we were all safe and the kids got presents.

In your case I would never go to anyone's house now who expected you to be inside with others.  If you cant tell ML this then your husband needs to.

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It is your husband's responsibility to tell his folks what is going to happen with your parents.   I would be very unhappy with the way he has handled things.   

 

If you go, insist that everything be outdoors and everyone needs to mask.  If they can't comply, don't go. 

Edited by Hollyj
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Just don't go. It's that simple. Family invitations are not subpoenas.

You don't need a long drawn out talk with your MIL. You don't need covid debates. You don't need to bring up past resentments about IVF.

Simply explain to your husband what you mentioned here. That this year, you're pregnant, not feelings well and prefer to isolate yourself.

Send them all best wishes from afar and drop all the clearly ongoing MIL conflicts. Let your husband go on his own and enjoy himself.

Try not to ruin everyone's holiday with unwarranted drama. A simple "can't this time" will suffice.

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I'm  just going to put this out there.

If you're not able to include your in laws (and rightly so!), but still....if you can't see them and include them for a visit like you can your own parents, then you shouldn't be going to either one.

Fair is fair.

You will cause a lot of hurt feelings if you treat one family better over the other.

I understand that your in laws have done things differently than your own parents, but in a marriage, you really can't or shouldn't be treating one set of parents better than the other one.

You should tell your in laws you can only offer exchange of presents out in the open and a quick hello, but then then same should go for your own parents.

You're pregnant, so you could tell both sets of parents that you want to conserve your energy and stay safe, as your reason for not full on visiting either one.

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I wouldn’t go to either set of parents. Plus each person should deal with their own parents but about your MUTUAL decision. 
 

If it’s fun now wait for your child to be born. I also have a husband that can’t communicate properly when it comes to his own family. 

Edited by Seraphim
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7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I wouldn’t go to either set of parents. Plus each person should deal with their own parents but about your MUTUAL decision.

Agree. I mean, you have a high risk pregnancy and it's a pandemic. Staying home sounds like the best option.

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8 hours ago, liz22 said:

.  I guess he and my MIL will make the decision for everyone tomorrow, 

Your MIL can not make a decision for you if you simply decline the invitation and let your husband go and deal with his mother.

Go to your own family as planned, no reason to allow the MIL drama to ruin Everyone's holiday... spreading the nonsense throughout two extended families.

If your husband doesn't want to go,fine.

Keep things simple and sane. He deals with his family, you deal with yours.

You are not being held hostage by his mother. You just don't like her. That's fine, but get some boundaries instead of creating a drawn out family feud.

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3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I'm  just going to put this out there.

If you're not able to include your in laws (and rightly so!), but still....if you can't see them and include them for a visit like you can your own parents, then you shouldn't be going to either one.

Fair is fair.

You will cause a lot of hurt feelings if you treat one family better over the other.

I understand that your in laws have done things differently than your own parents, but in a marriage, you really can't or shouldn't be treating one set of parents better than the other one.

You should tell your in laws you can only offer exchange of presents out in the open and a quick hello, but then then same should go for your own parents.

You're pregnant, so you could tell both sets of parents that you want to conserve your energy and stay safe, as your reason for not full on visiting either one.

I see how that could explain the hurt feelings, but these are her parents, and she's pregnant (and hormonal and vulnerable etc.)... maybe she NEEDS the support of seeing her own family this year.  This year has been extremely hard for a lot of people... and pregnancy is vulnerable to depression (the baby can end up having higher risks of mental illnesses etc if the mom is stressed/depressed).

To me, I don't see any problem with her going to her see her own family, especially when they went through the trouble to get tests and quarantine 2 weeks.  I wonder if emotionally and mentally she is really needing their support right now.  

I wouldn't deny a pregnant woman her right to see her parents this year (since they've taken all precautions).  Most couples switch back and forth anyway, so they can go to his next year.

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Feel free to be a witch with a b.  This is about you and your baby's safety.  I was like that with my inlaws and certain family friends when I was pregnant and when my baby was born during the H1N1 epidemic.  I used witchiness as a last resort but yes.  I didn't care what they thought of me -health of me/my son was the priority.  Sometimes my husband stuck up for me or did what needed to be done and sometimes I had to.  As far as your parents have your husband explain it when they are calm.  Your parents are low risk compared to them.  It's not about "my family" it's a pragmatic health analysis.  

When my son was a baby we took him to an adult party for a family friend.  He just wasn't happy in there- too noisy/crowded.  I left the party with my son.  My husband and father in law left soon after and we went down the block to a casual restaurant. My father in law trying to be nice so I could eat some lunch said he'd take my son for a walk around the block in the stroller.  Lovely except my FIL was blind.  Peripheral vision only.  And a busy sidewalk/street with traffic, people, etc.  He didn't like admitting his limitations.  So, no way I was going to let him.  I said nicely "that would be great! I'll come along!"  He muttered to my husband under his breath not in a nice way "that wasn't the point."  I let it go - I prioritized my son's safety over whether he approved of my decision not to let an elderly blind person take a baby for a walk in a busy neighborhood.

  I regularly told family friends they could not touch my son when he was an infant (when he was an infant before he got the H1N1 vaccination), they could not hand him a present they bought before I opened it and checked, and once, when my husband thought he told me my FIL had a bad cold and was coming to visit, told my husband I wasn't going to let him in the house or to be close to my son who was an infant.  I "cared" but again it's not a darn popularity contest -you're an expectant mother, you do what you need to do.  I was screamed at on a city bus when I was very pregnant for taking up a seat in the front (yes, there were other seats) and told that pregnancy didn't count as a disability.  The person who screamed at me didn't need a seat -she was referring to a stranger who needed a seat. Again, I smiled and pointed to empty seats and sat down. 

My point is this is part of parenting -Mama Bear, doing your best to be polite but not caring about "politeness" in matters of health and safety.  Simply say -simply "No I can't attend, sorry".  The end.  Don't get defensive, be calm, be confident.  Worse case scenario is they won't speak to you and have a hissy fit.  Worse case scenario if you go is you get covid while pregnant.  I know what I would pick.  Good luck.  

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I see how that could explain the hurt feelings, but these are her parents, and she's pregnant (and hormonal and vulnerable etc.)... maybe she NEEDS the support of seeing her own family this year.  This year has been extremely hard for a lot of people... and pregnancy is vulnerable to depression (the baby can end up having higher risks of mental illnesses etc if the mom is stressed/depressed).

To me, I don't see any problem with her going to her see her own family, especially when they went through the trouble to get tests and quarantine 2 weeks.  I wonder if emotionally and mentally she is really needing their support right now.  

I wouldn't deny a pregnant woman her right to see her parents this year (since they've taken all precautions).  Most couples switch back and forth anyway, so they can go to his next year.

Yes -apples and oranges -her parents are taking extreme precautions. His are not.  So in this case it's perfectly fair/common sense.

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9 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

"NO" ids a complete sentence.  Tell MIL you will not be coming for Christmas unless everyone is prepard to stand around outside and talk for X amount of time. This is what we did today at my daughter's house.  No it's not as much fun but that's ok, we were all safe and the kids got presents.

In your case I would never go to anyone's house now who expected you to be inside with others.  If you cant tell ML this then your husband needs to.

Yes- I should have added that -certainly a drive by -outdoor/distanced is fine!

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I'd ask husband, "Would you like to explain our strict quarantine to your Mom, or would you like for me to do it?"

I'd be firm about this, and I'd tell husband that if he intends to break quarantine with exposure to his family, then he'll need to stay with them for the next 2 weeks because he can't come back into the house. Period.

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18 minutes ago, liz22 said:

Thank you all.  I guess I should clarify that if we get together, his parents would be coming to our house, so I wouldn’t be able to just say home and avoid the gathering.  

Just insist that it is outdoors.   If it is too cold, then cancel it.

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I was screamed at on a city bus when I was very pregnant for taking up a seat in the front (yes, there were other seats) and told that pregnancy didn't count as a disability.  The person who screamed at me didn't need a seat -she was referring to a stranger who needed a seat. Again, I smiled and pointed to empty seats and sat down. 

Wow 😳 That is horrible, Batya, just wow! 😠

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Why are you afraid to tell them no?

If your husband wants to have them over, tell him you will be leaving to stay with your parents for 2 weeks. His parents could possibly bring the virus into your home (it's airborne).

Does your husband always bow down to his mother and prioritize her over you? Is he afraid of his mother? 

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2 hours ago, liz22 said:

Thank you all.  I guess I should clarify that if we get together, his parents would be coming to our house, so I wouldn’t be able to just say home and avoid the gathering.  

Who says?

Deal with the person who is making these plans: either it's your husband or his mother. So ask husband whether HE will uphold your household quarantine, or whether YOU must step up to do that?

Either way, nobody can get into your home without a key. So deal directly with husband, and tell him that it's a life-or-death choice. Either literally, or your marriage.

I don't find that to be too extreme given that it IS a literal choice.

Head high, and buck up. This is about survival, not placation. If husband intends to allow his family into your home, then move your plans early to visit your parents' home, and GO there.

Edited by catfeeder
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2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Who says?

Deal with the person who is making these plans: either it's your husband or his mother. So ask husband whether HE will uphold your household quarantine, or whether YOU must step up to do that?

Either way, nobody can get into your home without a key. So deal directly with husband, and tell him that it's a life-or-death choice. Either literally, or your marriage.

I don't find that to be too extreme given that it IS a literal choice.

Head high, and buck up. This is about survival, not placation.

No  they cannot come to your home and use your restroom, be around your stuff - that's risky.  Even if you're not there.

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Just a suggestion: Rent a hotel suite and mask up. Hand out holiday themed masks to make it fun. Leave wipes in the bathroom to quick wipe touch surfaces down. Everyone can social distance, exchange gifts, have dinner ordered in. There is no one in your home to worry about. 
When you get home, dump your clothing right into the wash and have a shower. 

I totally get it, no one liked this. I have family inviting me and my husband for Christmas dinner. But they are understanding of us saying no. We didn’t even go shopping for gifts for the nieces and nephews. We just sent money. Funny, the kids loved receiving the money. They have adapted better that most adults. Lol. 

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I wouldn't engage anything that requires indoor exchange of air. Surfaces can be controlled, while the air you exchange cannot.

Skip placating. This isn't about sentimentality, it's about survival.

Last weekend I suddenly got a runny nose and gluey eyes. I didn't panic, but I still recounted every potential lax in protection from Thanksgiving forward--and I realized that there ARE NO DO-OVERS.

This thing is hyper-contagious, and we can't 'control' it's spread with wishful thinking.

I tested negative on Tuesday, but my time of scheduling was an eye-opener.

WE CAN'T TAKE BACK our mistakes with this thing, so don't allow sentimental manipulation to alter your perspective.

Quarantine, and be vigilant--and don't allow anyone else to make that choice FOR you.

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