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Family's attitude toward me changed


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Hi Guys, hope everyone is doing ok in this long and hard year.

 

I will try my best keep this short and sweet as it might be something some of you have experienced.

 

I have had ups and downs with my family as i was a bit of wild in my late teens early 20's, trouble in school etc, smoking a lot of weed, street racing, fighting, generally directionless. I did go to university, as i did well in school besides getting in trouble, i did a honours degree science based course, took a break before graduating and changed majors, worked as a waiter during this time. I did calm down then, graduated, and my family relationship was very good, when i graduated i was living at home, still a waiter met my fiance, she had changed careers was a student also etc. this kind of made us late bloomers, going to college to late,(i moved out at 29). Well we both ended up doing well career wise and last year bought a house had our first child then got married. I matured very quickly when my daughter was due, a lot of ducks to get in a row.

Well since i kind of started to act like an adult and take responsibility for my own life my familys attitude has changed toward me and my wife, like we seem to offend them easily. An example me asking my mother not to smoke around my pregnant wife, as a favor to me, not demanding, this resulted in her lighting up in front of her more, offering her alcohol, saying it didn't do her kids no harm when she was pregnant. The day my daughter was born my mother cursed me out over the phone and reduced me to tears as my wife had a three day difficult labour and only wanted to see her mother briefly that evening and no other visitors. Then soon after my daughter was born my mother would constantly tell me to come up on friday for drinks and stay over, and i would say i didnt want to leave my wife all alone at home, and she would be visibly furious. At our wedding, as we dont put pictures of our daughter online and didnt want social media posts of the day as it happened, this caused a lot of hassle with my older sister who then refused to take any photos and told my family they 'photos were not allowed', she thought it was aimed at her personally for some reason.

At our daughters first birthday during covid we had to have two small gatherings so as not to mix her family and ours due to the restrictions in place, my mother being high risk etc, this caused offence somehow, and then we didnt serve alcohol and had a buffet rather than us running around stressed waiting on people. (We said after wedding when we were told that 'no one is babysitting your baby, we want to enjoy the day') that we would try enjoy her birthday rather than hosting so much we miss everything, like at most of our wedding. They did refuse the buffet in the dining room, moved to the garden and we ended up having to move all the hot food outside, my mother also found some beers for my dad and made a point of saying so. We were in playroom with my daughter her godparents and their baby, but my family were all outside, afterwards my sister told me 'it was so weird and awkward'. I stopped trying to have playdates with my sister and my niece recently, we dont really give my daughter alot of sweets/chocolate etc as she is only 14 months, but the daggers i get if i ask my sister not to feed her treats. I mentioned work recently and disciplining a new hire, as she is in HR i wanted advice, her only answer was to ask confusingly 'how would YOU be able to discipline someone'. 

We had lot happen in our life so quickly and it seemed to cause a rift, like i went from living at home with no car, drinking with my dad and mom alot to being a dad, homeowner, a new job i love. We are due our second child now, parents immediately broke our trust and told people too soon, rubbed it in my face that they did. My sister is also due her second baby and didn't really react to our news, or txt my wife. We were actually fearful of telling in case she thought it was to compete, when i was a very lovely surprise. I feel afraid to even share pictures or videos of babies milestones in our family group as i think she will think im aiming it at her or that im competing, which i am not. I even had my sister try cause a rift between me and my wife, saying she heard her say to a friend 'we dont watch tv together in evening, after the long day housework and the baby i have a bath, and he has a beer in the garden'. Her opinion was that this was some huge insult that i am lazy and 'i know how much you do for her, how dare she'. It was just the truth, but even if she wanted to give out about me, she is well within her right if she wanted, like what did my sister think i would do with this information?.

It is hurting me, i feel like im doing so well, and im proud, but then im drifting from my own family. If anyone has had something similar happen please let me know, i know i kind of babbled here but i dont want to worry wife

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Great you have done well and have made a nice home for yourself and your family.

You seem to have transcended the environment you came from and have improved your lifestyle.

It may be best to step back and limit what you disclose to your family. They seem jealous and resentful of your new lifestyle.

Boundaries. Let them be who they are but stay firm in your convictions about the health and well-being of yourself, your wife and children.

Perhaps limit social media posts. Limit visits. Make sure you remind yourself that you have your own family now.  

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13 hours ago, Frankmarleys said:

It is hurting me, i feel like im doing so well, and im proud, but then im drifting from my own family.

Unfortunately, some people don't know how to be happy for other people's success. They take offense to it for some reason.

I learned this around the time that I went to college.

Before college, I got in a lot of trouble, drank, smoked pot, etc. That behavior continued through college, as well. But I did get my degree, and it gave me options.

Some of my friends resented this. It was very disappointing, to say the least. I felt sad that they didn't seem to like me anymore.

But you know what? I didn't stop my own progress to make them happy. Eventually, I found other friends. Better friends. People who were happy to see me succeed. It was something to get used to, I'll tell you!

Now 20 years has passed and I see a couple of those old 'friends' on occasion. God, what a chasm there is between us. They are still miserable. I am happy. 

I can see how it would be even more painful when you are going through this with your family. But I don't think the core issue is any different. You simply have to find a balance in distancing yourself.

Edited by Jibralta
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You need some serious boundaries!  Dont be telling family. members anything you dont want repeated.

Some people really are not able to be happy for the good fortunes of others.  My family were not ones to offer any type of praise or congratulations or even a good word at anything I did.

I dont think you want to become estranged from them but that might be your best option.

 

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You've had a lot of growth and in many ways, you've outgrown your family. Your family is offended by it and are striking at you in different ways because of it.

Although they may be feeling hurt in some ways, you can't allow it to stop your growth or to keep affecting your family like this.

You only have one choice here, step back from your family and to keep people at arms length.

Try to keep your personal business more private. You only need to discuss things with your wife right now.

The family outings or get togethers should be kept at a minimum as well.

It's unfortunate this it's come to this, but you can either continue what you've been doing and keep getting hurt, or to step back from them and not allow it.

You don't need to fight or even give them lectures on what you want(the less drama right now, the better).

Sometimes staying away, living your own life and staying quiet is the better option.

Edited by SherrySher
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