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I am stuck in a limbo in a sort of ''relationship online''.Help!


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I am a bisexual guy in his 20's.

Two years ago I received a very sexual message on a site. At first I was shocked but then I was really curious to see what this person was seeing in me ( I have very little self esteem). I started skypying with him. From the very first moment I realized that this guy was a weirdo.He is in his late 20's.Never had a gf or bf because he lives in a very conservative society. Bear in mind,we come from very different countries.

After a couple of videocalls, I started noticing him masturbating over me under a blanket. I was creeped out,so, I stopped replying to his messages for the following two years.He was sending me messages every month. To some I was replying,but nothing,no text from his side that would make the conversation longer. So,I stopped replying .

One year and a half later,out of curiosity I replied. We exchanged numbers,since I thought he was really interested in me . But nothing,the old same lame messages most of the times . sometimes was flirting with me, but I always sat boundaries. I can't deny that I liked this kind of attention,but knew it was weird and stupid.

After some time,I started replying to him and being flirtitious too,just to see the outcome. We started texting eachother for two months straight. He was always initiating the conversations and we would spend hours texting and pretending to be a couple ,daydreaming about what the future would look like. After two months,he started saying that we should take it slow because we have to know eachother better. LIke out of nowhere. I said okay. Later on,he kept texting me every two days wanting me to initiate the conversations too. I started initiating the conversations and everytime something was off. like he started becoming always busy ,in the sense of being online on other social media,but was disguising it as family issues with his mother's health and other bs.

I said okay and stopped texting him everyday. He started accusing me of not texting everyday and that he always has to start conversations. the issue is that whenever i initiate them,like always,he is either busy or not in the mood. These weird behaviours started getting on my nerves and I really wanted an answer for that. Like ,imagine someone who wants you to text them first and then disappear and completely ignore you. After some months we started keeping in touch again with the same stupid fantasies for like half a month. Then he started being distant and not being consistent with the replies. Seemed always bored during videocalls and texting with other people while i was talking to him. I tried to get an answer for that but he would always say that I overthink and should take things easier. Now, after one month of this behaviour of texting me first and then ignoring me , I started ignoring him too. He seemed so hurt that started sending me tons of messages at once . I started believing again he might be interested but guess what,every conversation was like 5 minutes long. If I tried to ask further questions he would go offline and online on another site. I tried to make sense of this by calling him out. And he started saying that now he wants things to be normal,not counting the fact that a couple of days earlier he would fantasize on the future and calling me special etc.

The point is, I told him I wanted a one week break and I blocked him because if that meant receiving texts that would lead nowhere,I would rather not see them.I contacted him again after a week and he started accusing me of overthinking too much and that '' I lost credit for him''. The point is, I feel soo helpless because i had put so much time and energy for a total stranger online that made me believe he cared just by sending some texts every now and then for two years straight. He said that he needs time to recover that ''lost credit''.

Now I am stuck. like one part of me wants to get rid of him because thinks he is a confused 28 year old guy,who just plays games with people.Another one keeps thinking that maybe he is going through a hard time and deep inside still cares about meeting me up. Unfortunately, everything leads to the first option,but still I believe that he cares and is not flirting with other people online.

Now i have been obsessing over a complete stranger for over 10 months. And now it hits harder because I knew from the very beginning that this was not going to work. And hate myself more for not stopping that at the very beginning. I have constant feelings of mistrust and trust in his regards due to the ambigous explainations that make no sense to me. I don't know if I should just block this guy and move on without looking back. I know at some point he will try so bad to reach out to me and I will see it as a sign of care again . But at the same time, I can't ignore all these weird behaviours that showed no interest on the long run,like texting and disappearing after my reply; or just texting with other people during our videocalls.

I am sorry,but I just feel completely ridiculous for even having this kind of issue. But I am so pissed at the fact that he will never take into account his own behaviour. And will always be the victim. At this point I became so attached to him that it feels like a void,not having him around on the long run. What if he was just an introvert? what if he really cared,but i was just too blind to see it?

These kind of questions keep haunting me and the more I try to end it ,by attempting to get an honest answer about what he feels by texting with me or about his ''plans with me'', the more I feel let down by the lack of an actual answer lol. It is me who is overthinking.

 

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What on earth are you getting out of this screwy relationship with an online weirdo you have never met?  You can easily solve your problem by blocking and deleting him and moving on with your life.  He sounds like he's got major problems and I doubt you have the knowledge or skill to fix him.

Be more selective in the future about who you chat to, if they seem strange, stop!  Just stop.  

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If you rely on someone for comfort or companionship in some way, I think you're bound to feel a void when that person is inconsistent or lets you down. The back and forth isn't healthy though and neither is context (long distance, not having met, the length of time). 

I'd suggest a few things if I may... perhaps multi-layered but hear me out. First, look back into your own support network of friends and family and your hobbies and things you like to do. Once you feel secure, you won't feel the need to connect with individuals like this who hurt you or mistreat you. 

Second, go back to your ideals and what you think you might want to look for in a relationship or a romantic partnership. You mentioned that you knew this wasn't going to work. Okay, so you knew. Now don't beat yourself up over it, just go back to what you already knew. 

And the last thing I'd mention is the venue where you're meeting people like this. Is it possible to limit this or be more careful about the kinds of people you're chatting with on a regular basis? Until you start to feel more secure with yourself and other things going on for you, establish your ideas about what a relationship should look like, I think it's best that you keep an eye on those connections you're forming online. 

Don't keep beating yourself up, please! The pain ends when you decide it's time for it to end... takes time but you can make a conscious decision. Don't live in regret and feel bad. It happened. Now brush yourself off and move forwards.

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Good God, don't you think it is time to get out into the real world.   This situation sounds sad and lonely.  What a complete waste of time.  

 

Block him and address the big void in your life.  

Edited by Hollyj
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Hi,

 

so the thing Is, you have to tell yourself you really don’t know him. How he is in person is most likely very different then what you see online. His toxicity in the very beginning should have been a red flag not to proceed. I think block, and delete. You need to work on your self esteem, so you don’t just latch onto who ever pays you attention. 

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2 hours ago, limichelle said:

Hi,

 

so the thing Is, you have to tell yourself you really don’t know him. How he is in person is most likely very different then what you see online. His toxicity in the very beginning should have been a red flag not to proceed. I think block, and delete. You need to work on your self esteem, so you don’t just latch onto who ever pays you attention. 

I agree.  Also you have no idea if you have been chatting with one person, multiple people, men or women or children.  Hopefully you have not sent money or shared personal information.  Scary.

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Find other ways to feel good about yourself in a more positive way by getting involved in something, like charity work, volunteering, join a group or some kind of outdoor activity. Charity can be walking dogs at a shelter, or delivering food for the elderly. Or if you have a talent like music or art, you can share that with others. When you get involved in positive things, you will feel better about yourself, and you won't need to lurk for attention on dating sites.

Edited by smackie9
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I am stuck in a limbo in a sort of ''relationship online''.

This online thing is not where you're stuck. You're bored enough with the rest of your life to stop playing in such a stupid sandbox.

This doesn't mean YOU are stupid, but I'd invest energy in exploring to find stuff that is actually worth your time.

This, obviously, is not it.

Withdraw your investment in projecting whatever you're imagining 'about' this guy, and focus instead on anything and everything that might lead to building some real creativity and passion.

Don't kick a dead horse.

Edited by catfeeder
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