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Dumper said she doesnt want to be friends because last time we split and remained friends, we got back together and she doesnt want that?


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Hello all,

My ex girlfriend recently split up with me claiming the usual lack of feelings.

We currently still live together, but this last week she is cold, avoident and at times mad at me. I tried talking to her about this last night, said i understand it is horrible for the both of us, but this animosity surely cant be helping. I told her that the last time we split, we remained friends (we did, she came over once, maybe twice a week and we hung out, platonically, though we did get tohether again 7 months after that first split for a hear and 8months, untill last week) and that i didnt understand why this time we could not at least try to be friends whilst we are still here. She asked why would i want to? I mentioned that this isnt your usual view on friends with ex's and have normally been open to the idea, it was even her sugestion the first time we split, so what is different this time? She told me that "because last time we stayed friends, we got back together, and i dont want that"

I tried to explain that i wasnt here to have a conversation about getting back together and i just wanted to try and be friends, especially whilst we still live here. I said i would understand if i had cheated or something (neither of us did) but we never fell out so i dont get it, but at this point she got mad and walked off. 

I dont understand what is different this time around? Has anybody else experienced similar?

 

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She shouldn't owe you a friendship so while it feels a bit awkward and annoying right now, it's best to respect it and figure out the answers to that question later. It could be anything - resentment of the past, dislike, altogether turned off or just needing to distance herself from you and the break up. 

I think this is a healthy response, by the way. 

You seem a bit too bothered by her change but don't take it personally. Treat this as a break up. Most couples do not stay friends after a break up. 

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Thanks for your response. I do respect her decision, and have accepted we arr broken up, though it hurts. 

I am giving her space, and am not trying to convince her, overly seek her out to chat or otherwise put any pressure on her. I just think it was an odd response, and in someways wondered if this could be a genuine thing she thinks could happen, or other dumpers have worried about, that if they stayed friends, they could see it ending up with them getting back together. 

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I'm sorry about all this. 

When a break up happens, the person initiating the break up doesn't always have the emotions completely turned off. It's not a tap or something you can switch off at will. It takes time to adjust and feel like an individual again.

The intent to break up is there so that intent just needs to be respected. It sounds like you're doing really well. You too need to catch up and recover or try to feel more like yourself again. This means you as a you. Not you as in Colourmeconfusedandex. 

Give yourself time.. it won't make sense right now. After some time it will become clearer why the space and distance is best especially if the other person does not want to reconcile. 

 

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm sorry about all this. 

When a break up happens, the person initiating the break up doesn't always have the emotions completely turned off. It's not a tap or something you can switch off at will. It takes time to adjust and feel like an individual again.

The intent to break up is there so that intent just needs to be respected. It sounds like you're doing really well. You too need to catch up and recover or try to feel more like yourself again. This means you as a you. Not you as in Colourmeconfusedandex. 

Give yourself time.. it won't make sense right now. After some time it will become clearer why the space and distance is best especially if the other person does not want to reconcile. 

 

Thank you, i am trying, it is incredibly hard and i will always probably love her to some extent, but i do respect her and have no intentions of pushing her. If she changes her mind and wants to be friends then amazing, but i know it has to be on her terms and not mine. 

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2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You are not being friends to be friends, you are doing it to get her back.   

Right now i do want her back, but last time we were friends it was genuine and i honestly had given up hope that it would become anyyhing more. It took me by complete surprise when it changed to more than friends again. 

The point of my post either way, was about her response, and if dumpers really are ever concerned that if they stay friends, they will want to get back together. I just thought it was always the other way around. Like i said, no matter what i want, i intend on leaving her alone.

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Yes, of course. Love can transcend different situations. Good for you for respecting the break up. It's not easy... big hats off to you for that. 

How are you doing with coping with this transition? Do you also have family or friends you can speak with or spend time with this holiday season? 

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Just now, Rose Mosse said:

Yes, of course. Love can transcend different situations. Good for you for respecting the break up. It's not easy... big hats off to you for that. 

How are you doing with coping with this transition? Do you also have family or friends you can speak with or spend time with this holiday season? 

I have agreed to go my sisters for xmas day so she can have xmas with her family as she had planned, and do have friends that i can talk to if needed, and i do find talking helps.

I am struggling to not think of worse case scenerios, that she is talking to others etc, and hate seeing the person i love not want to feel the same way for me, and truly dont understand her current resentment for me. But with all that being said, i want the best for her and am trying to make it as easy as possible in terms of her xmas plans etc, and wont bring up our relationship again unless she does.

Thanks again for the advice.

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That's very kind of both of you and respectful to give each other space and remain civil this way. 

The panic and anxiety will calm down as soon as the living situation is figured out. You should also want what's best for yourself. That's what I meant earlier by learning to feel more like an individual again and less as a couple. The caretaking for each other as a couple has to end some time even though the care or respect remains. 

This is so, so painful especially now in December with the holidays. I am truly sorry. You are definitely not alone on the forum. Be kind to yourself! 

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24 minutes ago, Colourmeconfused said:

I have agreed to go my sisters for xmas day so she can have xmas with her family as she had planned, and do have friends that i can talk to if needed, and i do find talking helps.

I am struggling to not think of worse case scenerios, that she is talking to others etc, and hate seeing the person i love not want to feel the same way for me, and truly dont understand her current resentment for me. But with all that being said, i want the best for her and am trying to make it as easy as possible in terms of her xmas plans etc, and wont bring up our relationship again unless she does.

Thanks again for the advice.

When do you move out?   The sooner you can break contact, the better for you.

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1 minute ago, Colourmeconfused said:

She is the one moving out, she cant afford to live on her own, and will be moving out in january to her mums. She says she is staying because she has made plans for xmas with her family here.

Ok, try to make the move out fair and smooth as possible. Focus on dividing up things, severing financial ties, changing her mailing address, changing your joint accounts, changing you passwords and other details.

The conversation about friends, just gets shut down , so focus on a civil uncoupling instead. It's very soon so not much longer to endure the tension of living in an untenable situation.

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I say because she wants and NEEDS her own space now.

I am not 'friends' with my ex's.  I had to keep & stay away in order to 'get over them' and all the feelings.

Real Break ups can be awful on one's emotions- Many NEED some time to work on accepting it all and recover.

Yeah- I once 'tried' to be friends with an Ex. but couldn't.  it hurt!

 

I told him... We were not friends.  never were.  it was more than that.  And is hard to go backwards :(.

I saw him move on.. it hurt so much!

 

So, respect her wishes.. don't push her away even more.  Just remain at a distance now.

She has to accept what is, same as you.

 

Did not work a second time.. as sadly it doesn't :(.  Now, leave all alone and work on accepting it yourself.

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I don't think she fears getting back together, but rather she wants you to stop trying to be her friend. She knows that ultimately you want to be with her and that attempts at friendship are ways of hanging on - so she's reacting more strongly because she wants to underline the point that this is over. 

Be civil, but remember that as an ex, this isn't friendship. I agree that there is no need for animosity from her but she sounds fed up or some such thing. Have you been trying to hang out with her, have conversations with her, and other such things?  I am wondering what specifically led you to ask her what's up. 

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It's more practical to ask for civility rather than friendship while you're both still living together.

This takes away the emotional charge of interpretation: friendship means different things to different people.

It's unfortunate that we must each learn that some people are best loved from far away.

None of this makes either of you a villain or a victim--it just means that this woman is defensive against friendship based on prior experience, and so civility is really the most beneficial thing to offer and hope for during this transitional time.

My heart goes out to you, and head high.

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This is where I say you need to let this go.  She wants her space. Time to get off the pot and one of you go live on someone’s couch, or move back in with the parents while looking for a new place to live. If possible like everyone said just as her to be civil not looking for friendship. Just drop the attitude and respect each other’s space. 

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