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I started dating a woman about ten months ago. We went on some dates and really started to hit it off. we became boyfriend and girlfriend. We lived about fifty minutes away from each other but we made it work. About six months into our relationship we were saying I love you. Her mom's health has been getting worse as she is battling cervical cancer. My now X girlfriend is the caretaker for her mother who is very ill. I was very supportive, She told me my hugs were so comforting. Everything was going fine until I went back home for thanksgiving to see some family. When I got back we agreed that I would quarantine the best I could then after two weeks we could see each other. Of course I had to work during that time but she was mostly concerned about the traveling I did during the covid crises. After two weeks past I said hey we can see each other again. She said that she was still nervous about meeting up and maybe we could meet up for a walk outside. I tried to schedule a date with her for a hike via text Monday morning, didn't hear from her until she called me around 6 pm. She told me she wasn't feeling it and that it's over between us. I was so confused. Just two months ago she was worried that she has stronger feelings for me but I insisted that my feelings were strong for her too and they were and still are. on the phone I could tell that she was holding back emotion but at the same time she seemed cold. I told her she doesn't even seem herself right now.  I feel that perhaps she pushed me away because she can't handle the pressure of being in a relationship during this tough time in her life. I just wanted to be there for her, I wasn't asking for much. I love her and this has all been really tough to accept. I know there really isn't a question here, I'm looking tent and perhaps relate to some others that have been through something similar. Thank You!

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Sorry this happened. She seems sincere and honest about the stress in her life. She doesn't want to hold you up or not be able to participate in the relationship. Take a step back and perhaps she'll contact you. All you can do is giver her the space she needs.

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39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Thank you Wiseman2. Something she said on the phone is she doesn't want to disappoint me, so what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I am not in contact with her as of yesterday. I deleted her number on my phone and I don't think I can remember it by heart. I didn't block her number though but I am afraid to hang my hat on the hope of her coming around. It's tough because I asked her now what? can we be friends and she said that would be too tough. I don't think covid broke us up but it seems to be a factor. before we broke up she talked about minimizing her bubble. Essentially I got kicked out of her bubble. Perhaps it's just not worth the risk anymore and she can't put in the effort, time and energy to put into making me happy so she is letting go in order to not disappoint me.

 

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You both agreed to go for a walk but you scheduled a hike... that might have been a bit too much for her, given the current state of things. She may be underslept, fatigued, worried being away from her family. The year my mum was battling cancer I wasn't myself either. I was very withdrawn, moody, agitated and lost a lot of hope. I was also stunned by family members or friends who actively chose to avoid our family or didn't know what to say or how to be supportive. When I look back now I don't take it personally anymore. It was just the way some handled sickness or death. Different people react differently. Some, a few angels, stood by me especially those I worked with. I had no idea in the end that it would be those individuals instead of the ones that I thought most would be there. This is just a small bit about what it was like for me. I'm not saying this is what she's going through.

Let her know you understand but your feelings don't change for her. You realize maybe the hike was a bit more than what you both agreed on (if it was). If she replies to you or keeps in touch it's up to you whether you want to keep responding or being there for her. 

She may open up again slowly but it doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold either. Losing someone or seeing someone you love very sick takes the life out of you too. Hope you both are able to work it out.

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Thank you for your insight Rose Mosse! You are right, the word hike can be daunting for some people. I know that she is very exhausted from everything she does for her mom. I admire her for what she does for her mom. As someone who has been through something similar as my x I appreciate your point of view. Through this process I have felt sad but not angry.

The sad thing is we are not in contact anymore, she doesn't want to be friends because she says it would be too tough. Part of the problem is we never really talked about how to resolve any issues. we gave each other up cold turkey. I've been just waiting it out but I'm not trying to get my hopes up or anything. I just wanted to be there for her but ultimately she rejected my love.

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No need to wait around for her. She was pretty clear, and trying to "work it out" would be an exercise in futility when she isn't interested in trying (no matter what the reason is).

I know it's disappointing and tough to deal with, but with time you'll have acceptance.  And then you'll have the ability to find someone who will be the right person at the right time.

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2 hours ago, David said:

Thank you for your insight Rose Mosse! You are right, the word hike can be daunting for some people. I know that she is very exhausted from everything she does for her mom. I admire her for what she does for her mom. As someone who has been through something similar as my x I appreciate your point of view. Through this process I have felt sad but not angry.

The sad thing is we are not in contact anymore, she doesn't want to be friends because she says it would be too tough. Part of the problem is we never really talked about how to resolve any issues. we gave each other up cold turkey. I've been just waiting it out but I'm not trying to get my hopes up or anything. I just wanted to be there for her but ultimately she rejected my love.

I'm sorry to hear this. Take a deep breath, take some time to process what's happened. If this is the case, the most you can do now is take a step back and heal from the break up. Treat it as a break up and repair your heart. Relationships always take two to tango. 

All you can do is take care of yourself. 

 

 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Some people just need to handle things on their own. When dealing with a sick loved one, they want privacy. Privacy to grieve, be there for the dying 100%. Let her have her time with her mom....she needs it. I was in her shoes. My father was dying from lung cancer...my husband was there for me. If he was some one I had only dated for months, I would have told him to go too. Sorry I just can't explain it to you better, but a relationship is not a priority during such a traumatic emotionally challenging time.

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Sackie9 I've been reading a lot about how sometimes people push their significant other away when dealing with sick loved ones. When she broke up with me on the phone she told me she wasn't feeling it. When I asked her why she wasn't feeling it, she had nothing, she just isn't. This was very hard to hear. I know she was feeling the relationship up to recently but I just don't think she has the energy to put into loving me right now. sometimes I blame the three plus weeks apart before our breakup, sometimes I blame myself for texting her so much instead of calling her. I'm just the kind of person that wants to talk things out but I can see what you are saying about a relationship not being a priority at this time in her life. I had a romanticized vision of how I was going to help her through this difficult time and I knew it was going to be tough but I would be there for her. I thought I was good for her at this time but I think she feels bad that she can't give as much to the relationship as me.

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21 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You both agreed to go for a walk but you scheduled a hike... that might have been a bit too much for her, given the current state of things. She may be underslept, fatigued, worried being away from her family. The year my mum was battling cancer I wasn't myself either. I was very withdrawn, moody, agitated and lost a lot of hope. I was also stunned by family members or friends who actively chose to avoid our family or didn't know what to say or how to be supportive. When I look back now I don't take it personally anymore. It was just the way some handled sickness or death. Different people react differently. Some, a few angels, stood by me especially those I worked with. I had no idea in the end that it would be those individuals instead of the ones that I thought most would be there. This is just a small bit about what it was like for me. I'm not saying this is what she's going through.

Let her know you understand but your feelings don't change for her. You realize maybe the hike was a bit more than what you both agreed on (if it was). If she replies to you or keeps in touch it's up to you whether you want to keep responding or being there for her. 

She may open up again slowly but it doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold either. Losing someone or seeing someone you love very sick takes the life out of you too. Hope you both are able to work it out.

Rose Mosse, I took your advise about letting her know that I care and that I'm not mad at her. She hasn't responded but that's ok. I wrote to her knowing that it may be a one way message. Her and I didn't talk things out, there was no dialogue about how we can work through it. Communication is key to making it work but the communication wasn't there. Regardless I need to stop blaming myself. I think I have done all I can and just need to let it all go.

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6 hours ago, David said:

Rose Mosse, I took your advise about letting her know that I care and that I'm not mad at her. She hasn't responded but that's ok. I wrote to her knowing that it may be a one way message. Her and I didn't talk things out, there was no dialogue about how we can work through it. Communication is key to making it work but the communication wasn't there. Regardless I need to stop blaming myself. I think I have done all I can and just need to let it all go.

Absolutely. Be kind to yourself. Really do be kind because... at the end of the day, if someone can't be there for you in the same way, that's just the way it is. We often look for lots of reasons why. The only thing that matters is that he/she isn't there for you. You can analyze what you deserve or what she deserves or what's missing or all the would've/could'ves but it still boils down to one thing: she's not there for you either. 

Give her lots of space but give you space too. 

People do grow apart whether it's through circumstances or actions or inactions or other events. Be still and quiet to your heart and focus on your own healing and making peace with the past in this relationship. If she contacts you again, you can revisit again how you feel about the situation. 

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yes Rose I see your point but I didn't really need her there for me because I wasn't going through a hard time until she broke it off. I wanted to be there for her and I was hoping she would continue to appreciate it. I deserve appreciation, that's really all I wanted. 

yes I agree I will definitely give her a lot of space, it's time to let go. I think even if she wanted to work it out I couldn't take her back. It would just be too risky. I need to make it through the dark tunnel and find the light at the end.

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I would say that the situation with her mother and also COVID may be the main reason for the break up. It does seem weird to me that she was saying "I love you" to you but now she says she's not feeling it. On the other hand sometimes people might say "I love you" because the other person said it and they feel pressured. It's hard to know why exactly she ended it but unfortunately you have to just accept it's how she feels. 

I think you have to respect what she wants and not contact her at all. Maybe just say you love her and if she changes her mind, she knows where to find you. But otherwise don't wait for her or contact her. You don't have any guarantee that she'll want to get back together so I think you're better off just to start moving on and meeting other women.

Big hugs and stay safe!

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21 hours ago, David said:

 I took your advise about letting her know that I care and that I'm not mad at her. 

Just courious why you added the part about "not being mad at her", when she gave you an honest and sincere reason she needed space and needed time alone?

Break-ups hurt. Take your time and take care of yourself.

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7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I would say that the situation with her mother and also COVID may be the main reason for the break up. It does seem weird to me that she was saying "I love you" to you but now she says she's not feeling it. On the other hand sometimes people might say "I love you" because the other person said it and they feel pressured. It's hard to know why exactly she ended it but unfortunately you have to just accept it's how she feels. 

I think you have to respect what she wants and not contact her at all. Maybe just say you love her and if she changes her mind, she knows where to find you. But otherwise don't wait for her or contact her. You don't have any guarantee that she'll want to get back together so I think you're better off just to start moving on and meeting other women.

Big hugs and stay safe!

I agree it was strange that she was feeling it, then all of a sudden isn't. It's part of why this has been so tough and confusing for me. About three months a go she was concerned that she had stronger feelings for me than I had for her, I insisted this wasn't the case as I cared about her very much. so we were at that equal level at that point. After I first told her that I loved her she didn't say it back. I told her that I didn't tell so I could hear it but I told her because I wanted her to know and she can tell when she's ready. About a week later we were watching a movie and she told me she loves me. At that point I feel that we were at an even intensity. The thing is I became the giver and she became the receiver. I cared about her very much in part because of what she is going through. It's tough to let go when you care so much. I never had a chance to become close to her mom but I still care and now I can't be there for my ex girlfriend and it hurts. At the end she was becoming increasingly worried about covid and I am very understanding about that. It's tough that this all happened after three plus weeks of not seeing each other, It's like she forgot about what we had. I just told her that I still care because it allows me closure but perhaps I was trying to give myself the slight opportunity to have her come back to me at some point. I need to let go of that. I don't want this to drag out. I would like to find a woman that can love me the way I love her. I think besides what she is going through right now she had other things holding her back when it comes to love. She's had a failed marriage and still has custody battles for her daughter. That's the other part of the story. She has a four year old daughter and we adored each other. Her daughter told me she loves me and it made me feel so welcomed. My ex girlfriend told me that she doesn't think that she ever wants to get married in the future. deep down that I want to keep the option of getting married in the future but am in no hurry to get there. I believe fear is a major factor here as well. Her past marriage was a little more fresh than my past relationship. She was single for about a year before we started dating while I was single for five years before we started dating, so I was probably at a better place to give my heat away.

Thank you

 

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just courious why you added the part about "not being mad at her", when she gave you an honest and sincere reason she needed space and needed time alone?

Break-ups hurt. Take your time and take care of yourself.

Well I think it may be normal for people to be mad after a breakup. For me being mad makes me feel worse because I want to see her in a positive light. I have felt little sprinkles of animosity or a feeling of hey her loss that seems to make it easier to move on. I've had the realization that getting back together isn't an option for myself and isn't the best thing for me anyways. I think if she said she needed time and space then it wouldn't have been a full on breakup, I think it would be a break. when she broke up with me she said "she's not feeling it."

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My heart goes out to you. You've said all that you can say to let her know that your door remains open. Now it's our time to relax and allow for reflection on her part, at some point.

When we're under stress we can auto-pilot ourselves away from any additional expectations from others. We can also later reflect on this as a mistake. You've let this woman know that you're open to hearing from her if she ever changes her mind. So there's your peace.

Nobody here can tell you what you might wish to hear about the woman's inner thoughts. So I wouldn't try to pinpoint any given point of fail, such as prompting her for a hike while she may not have been up for that.

You can't change the past, you can only trust that if there is any aspect of your connection that might someday override the immediate pressure-cooker of anxiety to which this woman reacted, then that will work itself out over time.

Head high, and recognize that most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. This doesn't make anyone a villain, and it doesn't mean that given different timing and circumstances an otherwise wrong match could right itself.

Meanwhile, pursue others, and avoid over-glamorizing this woman as an ideal that others must 'live up' to. You may find better simpatico if you are OPEN to that. But you can't 'really' be open if you're holding people up to someone else.

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19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you. You've said all that you can say to let her know that your door remains open. Now it's our time to relax and allow for reflection on her part, at some point.

When we're under stress we can auto-pilot ourselves away from any additional expectations from others. We can also later reflect on this as a mistake. You've let this woman know that you're open to hearing from her if she ever changes her mind. So there's your peace.

Nobody here can tell you what you might wish to hear about the woman's inner thoughts. So I wouldn't try to pinpoint any given point of fail, such as prompting her for a hike while she may not have been up for that.

You can't change the past, you can only trust that if there is any aspect of your connection that might someday override the immediate pressure-cooker of anxiety to which this woman reacted, then that will work itself out over time.

Head high, and recognize that most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. This doesn't make anyone a villain, and it doesn't mean that given different timing and circumstances an otherwise wrong match could right itself.

Meanwhile, pursue others, and avoid over-glamorizing this woman as an ideal that others must 'live up' to. You may find better simpatico if you are OPEN to that. But you can't 'really' be open if you're holding people up to someone else.

I'm not sure my door is open to her. I felt taken for granted. yes she may reflect and find that she made a mistake but I'm already moving on. It's not that I don't care about her I just can't and won't put the energy into someone who is going to disappear so easily without any communication to how to work through adversity. Honestly Catfeeder my focus has been on moving forward until I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't and won't accept her back into my life as my partner. 

No I don't think it was just one thing that broke us up. She is going through a lot and somewhere along the line she lost her love for me. At first I took that personal but now I have identified that she may have lost feelings for me because of the pain she is going through with her mother. 

I feel better not waiting and wondering if she's going to reach out to me and want to reconcile. I know it's so soon after our breakup but I'm already trying to meet other women. I'm taking my time with this process, not trying to rush into anything but I feel like I am moving forward by starting my search for the right woman for me. A woman that isn't going to leave me crying on the floor ten years from now. Where is the communication? Where is my love that I deserve. I'm tired of being the one to always try harder than my partner. I grew up with the best example of what a couple should be. My parents have been married for 40 years and that's the kind of love I want. I've removed her from the pedestal. she is a good person but I don't see her being right for me. I think this was all a blessing in disguise.

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