Therapy is the best solution at times.

[reinventmyself]

I had a therapist tell me once. . .after I kept waiting for the right moment to try new things . . waiting until I was stronger and more assertive.

"you don't learn to be a good batter by standing outside of the batting cage watching.  You have to get in and start swinging"

[limichelle]

Thank you so much everyone. I’m sure I’ll learn a lot with therapy. I do notice I’m a little more assertive then I used to be. It was just I wasn’t a couple years ago before I met my ex when I was in the dating world. With my ex though I could be assertive when I needed to be. Not mean or anything just tell him outright if he did something I didn’t appreciate. He liked to tease me a lot and I told him I didn’t like being teased and I would cut off the relationship if he continued. He stopped and listened.  So I do applaud myself for that and I do applaud myself for telling that guy no and ghosting him. Next time I will tell the person I’m dating or talking to that I don’t like something they’re doing besides ghosting. If they don’t listen then I’m gone! 
 

I think the deal breakers for me is if a guy gets sexual too fast. If a guy is rude in anyway shape or form. I pick up on rude tones and rude sarcasm and belittling very easily. It’s just in the past I chose to overlook it. This next time around in the fall I’m becoming a lot more picky. 
 

I would rather be Alone then settle. I want therapy to not work magic but I strongly believe if you’re not emotionally healthy you tend to attract more people who are also not emotionally healthy.

[Rose Mosse]

Good plan. We are all a work in progress. You are not the only one. Great thoughts there. I'd be wary of anyone who thinks they've mastered anything.

I also pick up on rudeness and belittling. I think of it more as a reflection on the other person rather than the person being put down. You absolutely do have a choice in how you wish to handle it or have that person in your life. And sometimes, as I was speaking with someone the other day, it may be better not having that person in your life altogether. We were talking about a family member actually who had actively played a difficult role in her life for a long time. It has very little to do with he did/she did or he said/she said and more about gathering calm and peace, getting rid of the nuisance that just cannot be changed or a person who doesn't care about others at all. 

Having to spell out when someone is rude, overly sexual or presumptuous when dating probably means you're both not on the same wavelength to start. I think it's a fine line endeavouring to teach anyone manners or have to spell things out or hand-hold someone in behaving more respectfully. Often it is perfectly ok to walk away especially if it's not a relationship (very early stages of getting to know someone).

You keep doing you! Happy to hear you are on this new path. 🥰

[limichelle]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Good plan. We are all a work in progress. You are not the only one. Great thoughts there. I'd be wary of anyone who thinks they've mastered anything.

I also pick up on rudeness and belittling. I think of it more as a reflection on the other person rather than the person being put down. You absolutely do have a choice in how you wish to handle it or have that person in your life. And sometimes, as I was speaking with someone the other day, it may be better not having that person in your life altogether. We were talking about a family member actually who had actively played a difficult role in her life for a long time. It has very little to do with he did/she did or he said/she said and more about gathering calm and peace, getting rid of the nuisance that just cannot be changed or a person who doesn't care about others at all. 

Having to spell out when someone is rude, overly sexual or presumptuous when dating probably means you're both not on the same wavelength to start. I think it's a fine line endeavouring to teach anyone manners or have to spell things out or hand-hold someone in behaving more respectfully. Often it is perfectly ok to walk away especially if it's not a relationship (very early stages of getting to know someone).

You keep doing you! Happy to hear you are on this new path. 🥰

Thanks Rose! I’m all about weeding out the negativity. I don’t have time for that in my life. 

[LaHermes]

No greater truth, LM.

"I strongly believe if you’re not emotionally healthy you tend to attract more people who are also not emotionally healthy."

Resilience can be learnt, with help, if one isn't born with a resilient personality. You will get good at reading people, that "radar" can also be learnt.   So that you don't even waste time on "waiting to see" .  There are always, always, signs right there and right at the outset of who or what an individual really is. 

And remember you can't make a silk purse out of a pig's lug, and unless you do it for a living, teaching someone manners/behaviour is not your job.

 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Resilience can be learnt, with help, if one isn't born with a resilient personality. You will get good at reading people, that "radar" can also be learnt.

I love this, because I consider resilience to be foundational goal that supports any and all other goals, and it's a topic that isn't raised often enough.

Resilience is one of the few skills that can be attained simply by adopting the desire to attain it and keeping one's focus upon it.

Batya and I are both fans of the late Dr. Joy Browne who spoke of resilience often, and she promoted it as a skill that can be developed rather than as one with which we must be born.

We choose every single day whether we will adopt resilience as a goal, or whether we will self-talk ourselves out of it. Sure, we all have days when it seems out of reach--even while committing to it is often all we need to do to change the kind of day we will have tomorrow.