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would you have done the same?


MayIask

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i was with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. first 6 months were honeymoon. after that whenever we had a disagreement/argument she would become toxic and start calling saying hurtful things. mostly calling me an asshole and mother***er, but if she got really upset she would call me things like a narcissist.

im pretty calm and relaxed. nothing really bothers me. but for me i just felt this was unacceptable. for starters, i believe every relationship will have disagreements but theres no reason to become hateful or toxic.

i know everyone handles anger and conflict differently and im not perfect. but after 2 years of asking her to not do this because it was something i felt was unacceptable for a relationship, she continued and the narcissist part came towards the end. she was showing no attempt at being better at this, in fact slightly worse.

everything else was amazing. outside of this she was super nice, caring, thoughtful, etc.

i know everyone is different in what they accept to have in their relationship. would this be ok for you?

am i naive for believing a relationship should be better than this? is there always going to be some big negative thing you just have to accept and deal with it? i dont want perfection. i wanted to marry her. i just felt like this kept me from proposing. i didnt want to deal with this for the rest of my life

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There will always be something. Captain Awkward calls this the price of admission. Sometimes this price is something you can afford, sometimes it’s too expensive. What people are willing to sacrifice to date someone is going to vary wildly but if the price of admission feels too high, it’s ok to call it as such and end it. Wanting a partner who can sort out their differences with you without deteriorating to name calling is not an unreasonable thing to want.

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You need to be true to yourself, its not a relationship anymore its already turned into a toxic environment for you. how can you decide to marry someone who treats you like that? if this is the way she reacts to situations or circumstances there is some underlying issues with her. Its not a good respectful mature way to address conflicts and disagreements.

People don't change overnight, usually during dating/honeymoon phase they don't show us their true nature. Slowly things change if its not meant to be. I think you need to understand and decide on what's best for you and your well being here.

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When you ask someone something reasonable, like no name calling, which is the opposite of helpful, and they don't improve their behavior, it means they don't care.

It took you a really long time to figure out this dealbreaker. I'd sit down and write down all of your must-haves and all your dealbreakers, and vow to stick to them in your future dating attempts. You don't want to waste time on Ms. Wrong while a Ms. Right gets snapped up by someone else.

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Only if she wants to change - and I mean wants as in 110% and is willing to do the work, including individual counseling or yoga or meditation or all three or other stuff - but she has to recognize and want to change.  Can you imagine the names she would call children if you had any?

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11 hours ago, MayIask said:

she would become toxic and start calling saying hurtful things. mostly calling me an asshole and mother***er, but if she got really upset she would call me things like a narcissist.

i believe every relationship will have disagreements but theres no reason to become hateful or toxic.

Well, you realize she's verbally abusive but because you believe she'll change and the sex, "super nice",  etc. is good, that this is acceptable.

Does she have drug, drinking or mood disorders? Does abuse run in her family? 

Ask yourself if being her whipping post is appropriate and simply "another style of handling conflict"?

The problem with abuse is it get worse, not better. Every time you are "calm and relaxed", you condone and exacerbate her abuse toward you.

Rethink marrying someone with this many problems. Imagine what she would do to innocent kids😱

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well, you realize she's verbally abusive but because you believe she'll change and the sex, "super nice",  etc. is good, that this is acceptable.

Does she have drug, drinking or mood disorders? Does abuse run in her family? 

Ask yourself if being her whipping post is appropriate and simply "another style of handling conflict"?

The problem with abuse is it get worse, not better. Every time you are "calm and relaxed", you condone and exacerbate her abuse toward you.

Rethink marrying someone with this many problems. Imagine what she would do to innocent kids😱

lol i never mentioned anything about sex because for me its not important.

she was pretty good with my son, never verbally abusive, tho i do think she may have focused on him more than she should have.

im glad i made the right decision even if it wasnt easy or what i wanted.

thank you everyone for your thoughts and opinions

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It doesn't sound like enough trust in the relationship or it's been eroded/broken over time. If you're evasive and calm it's not the same as being upfront and calm. This is just an example about how some behaviours rub others the wrong way. 

You may also be traumatized and upset about what you've encountered in the past and are sidestepping or stonewalling without knowing it or being aware. Not validating a partner's concerns (both sides) also destroys trust. 

If you are afraid of her or nervous around her this is already a set up for disaster. She may read this as evasiveness and lack of validation of her feelings. 

You can both learn to communicate better and work hard not to insult or blame. It takes two. If the resentment is too much or too deep by now, I don't think there's any other alternative. It does take two. 

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15 hours ago, MayIask said:

saying hurtful things. mostly calling me an asshole and mother***er,

While disagreements and even arguments may be a common part of some relationships, this ^^^ would sink too low for me, and I'd have walked away at that point.

Putting up with 2 years of this is 2 years that you can't get back to live over again, but recognizing your need to exit was a healthy step in the right direction. 

Asking for support for this decision is not a bad thing, but it indicates that you have not yet gained clarity about what is healthy and reasonable enough for you to WANT. The problem is, this is a really low bar.

Desiring a partner who treats you with respect and can argue without resorting to cursing, name calling and tearing you down is not only realistic, it's healthy. So start with addressing a healthy enough degree of self-respect to screen OUT anyone who would do this, and you'll do yourself a great service.

Most people are NOT our match--for any number of reasons. If you can roll with this as no reflection on you, you'll feel more confident in holding out for the kind of simpatico that matches your vision of self respect. Another self-respecting person doesn't NEED to diminish you in order to present an argument. Anyone who does that speaks of their own lack of capacity rather than of you.

Head high, and respect yourself enough to raise your bar. You'll thank yourself later.

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21 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

While disagreements and even arguments may be a common part of some relationships, this ^^^ would sink too low for me, and I'd have walked away at that point.

Putting up with 2 years of this is 2 years that you can't get back to live over again, but recognizing your need to exit was a healthy step in the right direction. 

Asking for support for this decision is not a bad thing, but it indicates that you have not yet gained clarity about what is healthy and reasonable enough for you to WANT. The problem is, this is a really low bar.

Desiring a partner who treats you with respect and can argue without resorting to cursing, name calling and tearing you down is not only realistic, it's healthy. So start with addressing a healthy enough degree of self-respect to screen OUT anyone who would do this, and you'll do yourself a great service.

Most people are NOT our match--for any number of reasons. If you can roll with this as no reflection on you, you'll feel more confident in holding out for the kind of simpatico that matches your vision of self respect. Another self-respecting person doesn't NEED to diminish you in order to present an argument. Anyone who does that speaks of their own lack of capacity rather than of you.

Head high, and respect yourself enough to raise your bar. You'll thank yourself later.

I definitely know I deserve respect and a respectful, mature partner and relationship.

The reason I made this thread is because I feel like she's got 9/10 going for her but this 1 thing isn't small. It's a huge deal breaker for most people. I hope it doesn't mean anything poor of me for trying to be sure when everything else was what I feel I could have only dreamed of having in a partner.

But also if I'm honest, i do feel like I don't have a high standard when it comes to what interests me in someone. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing as long as the basic things are there. Such as respect among countless of other things.

Also I think Ive heard every married person complain about their partner having this one thing that just drives them crazy. But they accept it. I don't expect perfection but for example a couple have been married for 30+ years and she is still insecure and questioning what woman is texting him(he's a supervisor, he gets texts about not coming in, being late, etc) seems crazy in my mind. I wouldn't want to deal with something so lame for 30 years

I feel like one moment I think it's naive to think a relationship can exist without some sort of concept of this existing. But then my next thought is if that's the case maybe I'm better off being alone🤷‍♂️

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You'll just have to find someone who is more compatible not just in interests and personality but in lifestyle and this includes career or direction in life. A nice person you get along with in your free time together may not be someone you see a future with because of other incompatibilities. 

That lame thing that your friend is putting up with in her marriage may be something she's also benefiting from as his spouse because it helps pay the bills and it works for them in some way. There's a give and take. It's up to each person to weigh that. From an outsider's pov it may make no sense. For the couple, it might and when people let off steam about their partners or vent, very often it's just one side of the story. 

Any undermining or lack of respect is emotional abuse in a relationship whether it's in private or done publicly as humiliation in front of friends or family. It's a form of control and domination of a situation especially if the person regularly feels out of control. 

Can you give any examples of your arguments or what causes her to react in that way? There is a lot of hostility and resentment. It makes me wonder about the relationship in general and what your arguments are about or what you've both been through as a couple. 

 

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Can you give any examples of your arguments or what causes her to react in that way? There is a lot of hostility and resentment. It makes me wonder about the relationship in general and what your arguments are about or what you've both been through as a couple. 

 

I'll tell you the last one. But I think you will think I'm crazy for even making this post haha

She got mad at me because when I came home from work I didn't give her a kiss when I got home. She was asleep and didn't have to get up for another hour or hour and a half.

We have already had that argument before and I explained i don't want to wake her up just to kiss her. It can wait until she gets up for work. She argues that whatever I do when I get home would wake her anyways. Be it shower, cook, or play on my computer.

But that wasn't the case because she always woke up an hour after I got there(for work). Not as soon as I got home

The reality is I just forgot. I knew she wanted it even if it woke her up, but I forgot. And even tho I told her that she still became toxic with the name calling

They weren't normally that dumb but that was the last one 😬

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I don't think you're crazy at all. I think both of you have different expectations. Does she name call because you don't give her a kiss? Why do you think she might want or need this kind of affection from you? Do you work different schedules or don't see each other much?

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9 hours ago, MayIask said:

The reality is I just forgot. 

Are you two on shift work? Don't disturb people who are 

1. Sleeping

2. Eating

3. Involved in something else

4. Trying to relax or need alone time.

Don't use passive aggressive excuses like You Forgot.

You don't think she's verbally abusive? Ok then hopefully your child won't be bringing those words back to the mother.

Maybe the mother should file for supervised custody, since you subject the child to your GFs verbal tirades.

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20 hours ago, MayIask said:

I'll tell you the last one. But I think you will think I'm crazy for even making this post haha

She got mad at me because when I came home from work I didn't give her a kiss when I got home. She was asleep and didn't have to get up for another hour or hour and a half.

We have already had that argument before and I explained i don't want to wake her up just to kiss her. It can wait until she gets up for work. She argues that whatever I do when I get home would wake her anyways. Be it shower, cook, or play on my computer.

But that wasn't the case because she always woke up an hour after I got there(for work). Not as soon as I got home

The reality is I just forgot. I knew she wanted it even if it woke her up, but I forgot. And even tho I told her that she still became toxic with the name calling

They weren't normally that dumb but that was the last one 😬

Something like this triggers her verbal abuse? Really? And you've been putting up with that for this long? That's pretty crazy indeed. A good clue that your relationship is toxic is exactly that - realizing that if you share this with strangers, they'll think you are nuts for putting up with that.

Regarding your friend and his wife checking up on him like that all the time.....a lot of people think that jealousy is love. He might complain about it, but if she ever stopped doing it, he'd be crying in his beer that his wife doesn't love him anymore. That's their dynamic and not a negative or a deal breaker.

Of course no perfect person exists. The real challenge is to find the one whose negative qualities are more of a minor annoyance rather than deal breakers that involve verbal abuse. Name calling, hurling insults, and otherwise hitting you below the belt when arguing or picking absurd arguments in order to launch into insults is verbal abuse. People who act like that aren't a 9/10, but more like 2/10. It might seem like 9/10 because you've normalized a lot of abnormal behaviors as a coping mechanism or perhaps you yourself see some of the toxic behaviors as a plus, aka broken picker.

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I think asking your partner to refrain from going so slow as to calling your profane names . . is a minimal decent request. 

She can still honor that she is mad about whatever triggered her.  But the fact that can't refrain from such a respectable request and handle her frustrations in a productive way is definite deal breaker.  

Don't second guess yourself.  Personally, I would have asked once.  (at the same checked for the exits)  The second time I'd be gone.  It just shows such a lack of impulse control and respect. 

I don't know how you did it for as long as you did, honestly.  Don't look back.

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On 12/14/2020 at 2:00 PM, MayIask said:

I feel like one moment I think it's naive to think a relationship can exist without some sort of concept of this existing. But then my next thought is if that's the case maybe I'm better off being alone🤷‍♂️

Decide whether you're settling just to avoid being alone, and if so, try getting some clarity about what, exactly, you fear so much about learning how to be happy on your own.

Someone doesn't need to hit me or steal from me or violate me in a certain way in order for me to recognize one who isn't capable of a rational argument without resorting to cursing and name calling. That bar is SO low, the insult is less about them and more about why I'd insult myself even further by sticking around to deal with them and their obvious mental and emotional limitations.

Unless I believe that I deserve better, why would I believe that I could find better?

So the question becomes, why are you afraid to raise your own bar?

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