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Crushing on a girl who lives in another state who may or may not like me back. I'm at my wit's end!


TS13

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I (25 M) like a girl (21 F) from another state. I met her about six months ago in a group for theater nerds that is run by one of my best friends. For much of the time since I've known this person, she was just someone my friend and I would occasionally watch movies with over Zoom. Unfortunately for me, that has changed.

Last month, this girl told me she liked another of my friends who is also in our theater group. Alas, he rejected her because he didn't feel the same way. I tried my best to be there for the girl and make her feel better; consequently, I had to hear all about her interactions with this friend of mine, as well as about all the other guys from her state who like her but she won't go out with for one reason or another. The girl video called me almost nightly, and we started growing closer. We found ourselves planning to watch movies but preferring to just talk, instead. We would laugh, and joke, and it turned out we had quite a bit in common. For better or worse, it was during these formative weeks that I started getting feelings for this person; she is the first girl I have had a real "crush" on since my first and only relationship ended in late 2015.

As my feelings set in, I found myself pulling away from this girl. I wasn't sure how real my emotions were, and I didn't want to hurt her, because I at least cared about her as a friend. Call me crazy, but on some level, it felt as if she liked me back, at least in a way. She would often video call me just to show me a random YouTube video, she demanded we start a Snapchat streak, she always laughed at my corny jokes, and she kept telling me how much I meant to her (even going so far as to say she "loved me" during one of our calls). Frustratingly, the girl also sometimes approached things from the opposite end of the spectrum (eventually blaming it on school and her acting job): she would forget to Snap me, go several hours without replying to my messages, and even ceasing to video call me. It was a constant back-and-forth; I felt like a plaything to her, and I hated it. I went to my friends, and they eventually persuaded me the best thing to do was tell this girl how I feel about her (it was this or lie when the girl asked me why I was pulling away from her).

A few days ago, I confessed my feelings over a video call. The situation was not the best; it was late at night when the girl called me to talk, so she was super-tired. I also have never told a girl I liked her before (with my last relationship, I was confronted about my feelings instead), and I'm sure I babbled like an idiot or said things I shouldn't have. The basis of what I said was I felt the same way for this girl the way she was feeling about my friend who rejected her (she claimed she was over him, at this point, even though they still talked). Despite her exhaustion, the girl was seemingly genuinely moved; she claimed she was "blushing so hard," did an audible "aww," and so-on. I told her that I don't expect her to feel the same way, but I came clean about why I was pulling away: I was scared she'd stop being my friend once this came to light. The girl promised I could never scare her off, told me she loved my company, and felt the same way I did as far as us just "clicking."

Since the other night, my female friend has continued to message me on Facebook chat, our main form of communication, but she has not said a single thing about what I said to her. She mostly talks to me in the evening or late at night, and I try to let her initiate most of the conversations because I honestly don't want to feel needy. She occasionally uses heart emojis, alternates between lengthy messages and one-word responses, and keeps trying to be "cutesy" with me: she is planning a reading in our theater group of Disney's Moana and wants me to be "her Maui," and she also came to me terribly upset last night because she had to pull out of one of my readings and really wanted to do it "with me." Before my confession, the girl said "I don't know what I'd do if you stopped talking to me." 

Again, I'm left feeling like a plaything. I came forward about my feelings, and the girl isn't being open or honest with me. I have no idea why; we had our first video chat since that night yesterday, and it was very awkward for me. Sometimes, I feel like this girl likes me back somehow but is choosing to hide or ignore it. Other times, I feel like she just embraced my desire to at least keep our friendship and is just using that as an excuse to "like me only as a friend." It's so tough to gauge where I stand with this person because of the distance between us. She lives halfway across the country, so there's no way I can ask her out or get close to her apart from video chat. I've spent the past several nights unable to sleep because I can't stop thinking about her or this situation. The girl claims she is often oblivious, and I get that feeling sometimes. What do/should I do? I can't take this anymore, and it's not like I can just "drop her and move on." She's my friend, I care about her, and I can't just turn off my feelings. Please help!

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she would forget to Snap me, go several hours without replying to my messages, and even ceasing to video call me

I don't know why you think she owes you anything. She's not your girlfriend, where there are certain expectations of bf/gf communication. And people in general don't have to snap to attention and be immediate in their responses just because you feel like communicating at that moment. If you don't like how a friend doesn't respond back in a timely way, don't be their friend. Also realize you're probably texting too much, since you have a major crush.

LDR's can work when people start dating locally and are already committed and have to be temporarily separated because of education or careers.

It's far riskier to expect an LDR to thrive when it starts off as one. In any case, speaking as a woman, if a guy told me this, I would immediately tell him I felt the same, if that were the case. She didn't do that. She likes the ego boost that you have a crush, and actually doesn't care that you're investing emotional energy and time into her that you could use more wisely in pursuing a woman who actually wants to date you.

At your ages, you're exposed to a lot more single people your ages than you ever will. The pool becomes smaller as you get older. She's pretty and has numerous suitors. Why would she need the cons of an LDR? And don't you want someone to physically spend time with several times a week instead of resorting to cyberspace interactions?

If you're not meeting anybody locally, expand your activities after everybody receives their vaccines. Join meet up.com. Take dance classes. Join a co-ed sports team. Tell the girl for your own good, you can no longer communicate with her. It will prevent you from bonding with another woman, and other women won't give you the time of day when you're regularly chatting with a crush. Good luck.

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3 hours ago, Andrina said:

 In any case, speaking as a woman, if a guy told me this, I would immediately tell him I felt the same, if that were the case. She didn't do that. She likes the ego boost that you have a crush, and actually doesn't care that you're investing emotional energy and time into her that you could use more wisely in pursuing a woman who actually wants to date you.

 

I agree with the above.  I'm sorry it wasn't the result you had hoped for and it hurts.  Kudos to you for laying your cards on the table, but in this particular case I wouldn't waste too much time or energy into her anymore.  Learn to accept it for what it is so that it frees you to look forward and not stay stuck on her.  Look for someone local, someone you're actually able to physically see and be with - far more rewarding than a cyber "girlfriend" hiding behind a screen, imo. 

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She's just a friend. Create some healthy boundaries and let this blow over between the both of you. It's not going to go anywhere unless one of you decides to move in the near future. Carrying on an LDR indefinitely if you don't have a means to move (both of you) isn't healthy in the long run. Find someone more local to date. If you find her comments uncomfortable or inappropriate, let her know if you feel comfortable enough with her. Keep things as friendly and light between the two of you since you have mutual groups and enjoy the same things. 

The dust will settle. Find someone to date closer to you. If it means putting these online theatre clubs on hold for awhile, so be it. You'll feel better once you clear your mind and put this in perspective. 

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