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My insecurities are ruining my life


lonewolf1991
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My insecurities are ruining my life

I’ve been single for 2 years. Messed up a relationship of 8 years because I was unfaithful. Lost my house, my family. It left me with crippling insecurities, anxiety and self doubt 

I’ve had therapy for my insecurities and I thought I was on the mend. Right before my last therapy session I had a great night night out, engaging with beautiful women who would be impressed with me, the way I speak and come across. I was confident and in my element. Ended up kissing some hot girl and it did wonders for me.

Anyway, about 3 months later, I’m not 100% but I was better most days.

Matched with a girl on tinder. Sent a message and we hit it off. She lives about 80miles from me. Conversations escalated, I got her number. We spoke over text for a day and for the last few night we’ve been video calling. I was incredibly anxious about video calling, but when I seen her it went away. She like me. Like really likes me. Finds me captivating and sexy. She’s a straight 10/10 and I’d say I’m about a 5. 

After the first late night video calling (didn’t leave the call till 5.30am) I went to bed ecstatic realising what I’d just overcome..fear of rejection about my looks. She’d seen pictures before but I assumed I’d look worse on camera. 

The morning after, after not much sleep, I had a sick feeling in my stomache. Felt like anxious excitement. The texts and compliments were flowing on both ends. They still are. (This was only yesterday)

Last night, more of the same..video chatting till 4.30am. She’s unbelievable in every way and she wants me. But I’m starting to feel so inadequate. People wouldn’t put us together. Never. Like I said, she’s a 10 and I’m not even close.

I feel like I’m about to *** this up. Not sure if the lack of sleep since Wednesday (5 hour Wednesday, 5 Thursday, 3 Friday, 4 Saturday) has made me feel like this. Or if I’m just slipping back into my shell. 

It’s happened before in school. Beautiful girl everyone wants wants ME. I *** it up because I don’t take the bait when it’s offered. She gets bored of games and moves on, and I’m left feeling sorry for myself.

What can I do? How can I overcome this. I feel like this girl and I could be happy together. But not whilst I feel this way. Time is literally ticking away and she’s so sure of herself, her needs and wants. And only thing I’m sure of is that she could do so much better. This girl has guys queuing up, but she wants me. Can’t get my head around it 

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I would put all of this analysis completely off the radar until and unless you meet in person and until that time I'd stop chatting -just chat to make and confirm a plan  - a plan to meet for an hour in a public place to see if in the future you should go on a date.  If you then decided to start dating and you feel insecure you can deal with it then.  She is a stranger for all dating and practical purposes.  Given your mindset chatting with her like this is a big mistake and self-sabotaging IMO.  Good luck! 

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Well, you are aware of your pattern, so that's a good first step.

The second step is maintaining your courage and taking the risk of rejection. Don't chicken out and do the cowardly *** up.

The second step is going to take effort. 

Yes, it might not work out--but put that in perspective. Will it kill you? No. Will it hurt? Probably. But you can take a little pain, can't you?

You need experience in order to put things into proper perspective. Take a chance and see what happens. Don't chicken out. Be brave and get the experience.

Edited by Jibralta
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You have placed this woman on an incredibly high pedestal without having ever met her in person, OP. 

That's part of the problem here. She might be lovely, but you really have no clue if she's as amazing and wonderful as you think. We all have our quirks and flaws. She will naturally have them too. You're letting the idealized version of her that you have in your head act as the measuring stick for your self-worth. 

Remember that she's human like anyone else, and thus isn't perfect. Having a more realistic perspective on things might help you in combatting the fear that you don't measure up. 

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23 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, you are aware of your pattern, so that's a good first step.

The second step is maintaining your courage and taking the risk of rejection. Don't chicken out and do the cowardly *** up.

The second step is going to take effort. 

Yes, it might not work out--but put that in perspective. Will it kill you? No. Will it hurt? Probably. But you can take a little pain, can't you?

You need experience in order to put things into proper perspective. Take a chance and see what happens. Don't chicken out. Be brave and get the experience.

Thankyou for the reply. I’m not scared of feeling rejection from her. She’s very into me and that’s what I’m struggling to get my head around. I know obviously things could be different in person, But we’ve already spoke so much and constantly send photos and video chat for hours. I’ve seen her, her body. She’s seen mine. The way she looks at me I can’t get my head around. Im okay with things not working out if I go for this, that’s fine. It’s part of life. I’m worried about my feelings. Feelings that I’m not in her league. Obviously we aren’t meeting during the pandemic. I don’t want to keep rolling with this, and then realise it’s to much. Cause I’ll hurt her and she doesn’t deserve it. Not a week talking and we are already here. Strange feeling.

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25 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You have placed this woman on an incredibly high pedestal without having ever met her in person, OP. 

That's part of the problem here. She might be lovely, but you really have no clue if she's as amazing and wonderful as you think. We all have our quirks and flaws. She will naturally have them too. You're letting the idealized version of her that you have in your head act as the measuring stick for your self-worth. 

Remember that she's human like anyone else, and thus isn't perfect. Having a more realistic perspective on things might help you in combatting the fear that you don't measure up. 

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense. And it does help. I’ll see how I feel over the next week.

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First things first, you need to stop placing so much value on outer appearances. It's superficial and meaningless. 

A persons looks only tells part of the story of who they are. But looks can change and will change with age, so try to not keep getting so caught up on looks.

What matters is their values, their morals, if they are a kind hearted person, loyal, trust worthy, etc, etc, etc. THOSE are the things that matter and those are the things that should be impressing you.

A person is only beautiful based on how their heart and mind is. You can meet a gorgeous looking girl, but if she has an ugly heart and is not a good person, her looks won't matter at all.

But Jibralta, is absolutely right, what you're feeling right now, is allowing yourself to be vulnerable again and possibly facing pain again.

Your feelings are valid and they are important. However, you need to as well come to terms that with every relationship anyone ventures into, there is always going to be a certain degree of vulnerability and risk. That's unfortunately, just how it is for all of us.

24 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

That's called fear. And it has everything to do with rejection. I can see that you don't like to hear this, but it's the truth.

You're opening yourself up to someone again. It's a matter of accepting the risk and reminding yourself that you HAVE come a long way and are stronger, wiser and more capable than you used to be.

The one thing I would advise to0, is to perhaps slow down a little. You and she are running a million miles forward right now and that would cause anyone to have a certain amount of anxiety.

You have all the time in the world to get to know one another, to build a relationship and to find out more about one another to see if you truly are compatible.

Compatibility as well matters so much more than looks. How compatible are you? How comfortable are you with one another? Do you work well together? There is still so much to find out about one another.

Ease back a bit, take your time. Create a strong friendship with her, besides a romance. And keep reminding yourself that you are worthy of love.

Talk to yourself more like a best friend and not an enemy. The world can be a tough place, the last thing you need is to be knocking yourself down. Try building yourself up instead. YOU create your reality by the thoughts you tell yourself.

Edited by SherrySher
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Maybe she's tired of physically attractive but vapid men, or men who thinks they're God's gift. Or maybe she finds you hot looking! 

One of the most attractive men I've ever met was about 5'7", had long shaggy hair and was skinny and somewhat hairy lol. But my God, his brain! That made him so much hotter than a six pack and perfect hair ever could have.

She likes you. Try to enjoy it!

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Who are you to say whom another person finds attractive? The men some of my friends have chosen aren't my type, and I'm sure my husband, for many of my friends, wouldn't be their cup of tea.

Yes, your attitude will be self sabotaging unless you do something about it. Practice positive self-talk, such as: I've done a lot of work on myself. Anybody would be lucky to have me, as I'll treat them as the special person they are.

People are attracted to confidence, to people who are positive, and to people who enjoy life. I remember an article about why men chose the girlfriend they have now. One guy broke up with a girl who looked like a model, because she was always whining about what she couldn't eat, and it wasn't an enjoyable experience to eat meals with her, which is often when you're dating. He said he was now with a girl who wasn't fat and wasn't skinny but had a healthy body and took such a great joy in eating and cooking and she was perfect for him.

When you have a fulfilling life of friends and hobbies, etc., people will want to share in that happiness with you. Just make sure you keep up with those other things in life even if you start dating, as independent people are more attractive than someone who makes their partner the sole center of their universe. Good luck.

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1 hour ago, Andrina said:

When you have a fulfilling life of friends and hobbies, etc., people will want to share in that happiness with you. Just make sure you keep up with those other things in life even if you start dating

I agree. I think I've said similar in one of your previous threads, that a woman shouldn't be the be all and end all, whatever her score out of 10 is!

 

Looking at it the other way round, if a woman I'd never met wanted to chat to me every single night til daft o'clock in the morning, I'd be really turned off. I'd be thinking 'how come she's got nothing else going on in her life? As she's available literally every single night! And she wants to chat til 5am. Has she got nothing to get up for in the morning?'

 

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34 minutes ago, Ian4996 said:

I agree. I think I've said similar in one of your previous threads, that a woman shouldn't be the be all and end all, whatever her score out of 10 is!

 

Looking at it the other way round, if a woman I'd never met wanted to chat to me every single night til daft o'clock in the morning, I'd be really turned off. I'd be thinking 'how come she's got nothing else going on in her life? As she's available literally every single night! And she wants to chat til 5am. Has she got nothing to get up for in the morning?'

 

Thankyou for you reply. She has finished work for the the year now, and we are in tier 3 lockdown (both my towns and hers)

from what I’ve learnt about her, she’s very driven. Lived in different countries and all over the us county. Very good job, lots of hobbies. So I think giving me all this time, is kind of flattering. And I know she appreciates me giving her my time, she frequently says this. I get that it’s not attractive sometimes, because I’ve felt like this before. However things are new and I guess we are learning a lot about each other. I need to tone down the frequency in conversations and set a date as soon as we know we can.

 

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18 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe she's tired of physically attractive but vapid men, or men who thinks they're God's gift. Or maybe she finds you hot looking! 

One of the most attractive men I've ever met was about 5'7", had long shaggy hair and was skinny and somewhat hairy lol. But my God, his brain! That made him so much hotter than a six pack and perfect hair ever could have.

She likes you. Try to enjoy it!

Thank you for you’re reply. I think this is the case. The reason I was questioning myself is because I’ve met so many attractive women. Very superficial. Not disrespecting anyone like this but they really aren’t my type, and I’m not theres because they like a Instagram life. Probably want a really tall dark man. 
she mentioned that’s one of the things than makes me attractive to her.. my brain. 
I haven’t experienced intellectual conversation like we have because I’ve been sort of dulled down by the people I used to surround myself with. Again, these are good people but I know I’m different. 
 

thankyou for the clarity.

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Is she your age or older? Just a random question. 

It's okay to get excited when you run into someone you click with. She's not local though so that's a set up as in you setting yourself up for what you are already predicting: disaster. This is catch and release. Let her go. I'd be suspicious of someone who is so taken in so quickly also. Do you know if she's married, attached, living with anyone? Looks don't count for the whole package. 

When you meet someone online, have a few chats and video calls if you like and set limits to the time you spend online. Meet the person in person socially distanced etc. Get a feel of chemistry in person. 

You are a catch! Raise the bar and you'll automatically meet women closer to you who like you for you. 

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It's perfectly natural, for anyone, to feel anxiety when attempting to convert a fantasy into reality.

This is why I wouldn't adopt a digital romance as a means of getting to know someone well enough to invest in them.

I don't knock e-meets for initial screenings, because why risk in-person meetings during a pandemic?

However, the only REAL way to learn whether you enjoy true simpatico with another is to meet them in person, and if that goes well, see more of them IRL over time. Doing stuff together, meeting friends and family, learning about their unique quirks of personality and lifestyle all contribute to a learning process. This is how we discover whether someone meets our needs and desires, or not--and the biggest demonstration of our own self-acceptance and maturity is an ability to recognize that most people will NOT resonate with us over time to the degree that we desire and deserve.

More often than not, this process results in one person learning that the other does NOT meet their private vision of a future partner.

That's not cynical or negative--it's just natural odds. The earlier we can accept these odds while remaining true to our OWN private vision, the more liberated we become in this pursuit.

It become less about the approval and acceptance by the other, and more about whether the other person meets OUR vision.

So building future-speak fantasies online creates a really high-stress situation. We invest too highly in someone who we don't even know well enough to manage a first DATE, much less a whole future.

I'd skip that. Either you're ready to meet someone after a digital screening or two, or you're not. If not, then skip the fantasy building and agree to contact one another when it's safe and you're ready to set up a date and time to meet in person over lunch or a coffee.

Head high, and consider online dating to be a screening device rather than a relationship builder. You'll thank yourself later.

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Attractiveness is subjective, so although you may think she's a 10/10, another guy would think she's just "meh" and another might think she's anything but beautiful.  Thankfully that's how human being work, otherwise the world's entire male population would be chasing after a relative handful of women and vice versa.

How do you know she has guys queuing up to be with her?  If she told you that I'd count it as a red flag, but if you've decided that for yourself then you need to remember there are loads of women out there who'd consider you a 10/10.  

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