Ex wanted friends with benefits and is angry I said no

[SherrySher 920]

This guy isn't interested in you as a person, he is only wanting to use your body now and then and it annoyed that you won't allow it and are pushing for more.

It's a complete insult for him to treat you the way he is, knowing that you're wanting an actual relationship.

There is no fixing this, he is not interested in treating you at all decent and only wants a shag now and then.

Respect YOURSELF more and don't allow someone to treat you this way. Block him and don't look back.

[MissCanuck 1,069]

On 12/11/2020 at 7:46 PM, LunarUK said:

On the other hand he’s also quite moody and sensitive, often misinterpreting something I’ve said or done and lashing out, blocking or going no contact.

 

On 12/11/2020 at 9:06 PM, LunarUK said:

if he showed me any of that when we were together I would’ve run the other way. But he didn’t.

Girl, yes,  he did show you red flags. And you did not run the other way. 

You need to ask yourself why you clung on to someone who treated you that way to begin with. Lashing out, blocking, going no contact - that didn't just start. 

Stop making excuses for him, and start asking the tough questions: why do I measure my self-worth by some rude little punk? Why do I not have more self-respect, to have actually put money where my mouth is really run the other way when I first started seeing red flags?

 

 

[boltnrun 1,458]

Someone who believes  "the world is against me" is a walking, talking, glaring red flag. Either he's full of BS or there's a very good reason why people don't like him. Probably both.

I'm guessing you wanted to "prove" you weren't "against" him. As you found, that is an exercise in futility. 

[LunarUK 16]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

 

Girl, yes,  he did show you red flags. And you did not run the other way. 

You need to ask yourself why you clung on to someone who treated you that way to begin with. Lashing out, blocking, going no contact - that didn't just start. 

Stop making excuses for him, and start asking the tough questions: why do I measure my self-worth by some rude little punk? Why do I not have more self-respect, to have actually put money where my mouth is really run the other way when I first started seeing red flags?

 

 

True to an extent. At the beginning I saw them as “amber” flags and not red ones, because he’d apologise, we’d move on and it was all overshadowed by the bells and whistles of the honeymoon period. After all, my thinking was that they were kinks and we had to overcome language, cultural, and geographical distance challenges. 
 

But I get your point, I shouldn’t have assumed that they were just kinks and that it would get better in time. If things are sketchy so early on then it would only get worse and it did. By the time we actually saw each other again six months later, I could immediately see how bad it was and that’s when it ground to a halt.

So I don’t feel that my problem was a lack of self-respect or boundaries. I had no issues pushing back and said no to many things I didn’t like. If I didn’t, I’d still be in it and he’d have nothing to be mad about. The issue is that I hoped it would get better and didn’t cut and run sooner. And my later problem, as I wrote in my original post, was that I felt bad about it when I did because I failed to end it in a positive way - but I can see now that that’s not always possible or needed.

Thank you so much for your advice and for calling him a little punk - that made me laugh out loud! Yours and the other comments are also making me feel more at peace with my decision. I’ve got nothing to feel bad about!

[LunarUK 16]

54 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Someone who believes  "the world is against me" is a walking, talking, glaring red flag. Either he's full of BS or there's a very good reason why people don't like him. Probably both.

I'm guessing you wanted to "prove" you weren't "against" him. As you found, that is an exercise in futility. 

Exactly that Boltnrun! I didn’t get that at first and took him at face value, thinking he was just down on his luck and that a supportive relationship would help him. Well I was wrong and know better for next time. 
 

I just need to keep telling myself to reject the blame he’s placing on me for ending it and for preserving my boundaries. 
 

You’re very understanding - thank you. It’s what I needed!

[LunarUK 16]

14 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I said these these as you want to be his "friend" and reach out to him again.  he has treated you terribly.  You need to understand why you were involved and why you want to have any association with him.   This is masochistic!

Ah, I think you’ve misunderstood. I didn’t say that I still wanted to be friends with him. That ship had sailed! I said that I wanted to smooth things over, even though we could no longer be together or even friends. I would never want to get back with him nor could I trust him as a friend. He simply isn’t capable  

What I was feeling conflicted about was if/how I could actually end things on a better note. But I can see now that that’s not possible and that I have to let it go. I can also see now that it would indeed be masochistic if I were to try to do so because he’s so unreasonable and basically a jerk. So rather than trying to smooth things over with him, I should really smooth things over with myself. I’m not the bad person that he’s trying to make me out to be for saying no and doing what’s right for me. And this board is really helping me with that, so thank you!

[LunarUK 16]

11 hours ago, SherrySher said:

This guy isn't interested in you as a person, he is only wanting to use your body now and then and it annoyed that you won't allow it and are pushing for more.

It's a complete insult for him to treat you the way he is, knowing that you're wanting an actual relationship.

There is no fixing this, he is not interested in treating you at all decent and only wants a shag now and then.

Respect YOURSELF more and don't allow someone to treat you this way. Block him and don't look back.

Thank you SherrrySher. I agree, I shouldn’t allow anyone to treat me this way and I didn’t. As soon as he made that clear, I ended it. What I’ve been faced with since is his futile attempts/retaliation for pushing back and standing up for myself. What I’ve struggled with since is falling for his guilt-tripping and allegations that I’m a bad person for doing so. But I’m coming out of it, and have already blocked him. And I won’t contemplate contacting him again - there’s no way to convince him that I’m not a bad person and there’s no point in even trying. 
 

“Respect YOURSELF more”

I feel I already do which is why I did what I did. But what I do recognise is that I need to have more courage of my convictions and not self-doubt nor allow others to do so.

 

[boltnrun 1,458]

Unfortunately there are people in the world who will manipulate your "niceness" for their own benefit. They will not respond to your kindness and support with kindness of their own. It's hard for you to relate because you would never do something like that. 

He doesn't want to "smooth things over". He wants you to do what he wants you to do and nothing else.

The only way to deal with people like him is to remove them from your life permanently. 

Continue to be the nice person you are, just with a bit more discretion. That's all.

Edited December 13, 2020 by boltnrun

[SherrySher 920]

You've done really well standing up for yourself then, well done.

If a guy is giving you heck for standing up for yourself and having higher standards, then he's not the guy for you. The right one will praise you for those things and will give you those things. 

This guy wants you to accept minimum. He's not worth it.

[Spawn 101]

you really do meet some real weirdos in life sometimes. Friendship for sex, tell him to get a doll or watch pron. 

don't feel hurt or confused, he just showed you who he exactly is. Are you going to be his last resort obviously not. he is moved on to somebody for that exact same purpose by now.

He doesn't want a relationship, he wants a woman to have fun whenever he wishes too, what's so respectful about this whole toxic situation, good riddance i say. 

You want respect, love and a beautiful life for you, so don't feel bad about the situation or what happened with this relationship, just march ahead, let him go, don't waste even a single minute on such beings.