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Ex wanted friends with benefits and is angry I said no


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Need some advice - so hurt and confused. 
 

I started dating a guy almost a year ago. We met online and were both looking for a relationship. It turned out a few dates in that he actually just wanted to see how it went and I was cool with that. Never really saw him as LTR material but thought it could turn into something at least. We spent a lot of time together very quickly, messaged constantly and had great sex. He was the driver and I enjoyed the attention. On the other hand he’s also quite moody and sensitive, often misinterpreting something I’ve said or done and lashing out, blocking or going no contact. 

Anyway, then lockdown happened and he had to go away (was studying temporarily in my country so went back home for a time) and we continued long distance. Admittedly, I pushed the “where are we” discussion and he agreed that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Not that it meant much in practice because of lockdown, but it meant something to me all the same and I really enjoyed his companionship.

Once lockdown ended and having been ‘together’ for seven months, he came back and I was SO excited to see him again. We had sex then a few hours into the night I casually referred to him as my BF. He got really uncomfortable and admitted that he didn’t really want a relationship and didn’t want anything serious. It felt like he was breaking up with me and I was so hurt and confused. We talked for ages after that, had more sex again but then I left  

So to cut to the chase, I’ve since calmed down and no am longer upset. Whilst I don’t want the casual/FWB/FB relationship that he’s asking for, I still really like him and would like to at least remain friends without anything physical. However, he’s really pushing a continuation and doesn’t understand why I don’t. Now he’s really angry with me and says that there’s no point in us being friends without the sex and is just being plain mean and aggressive. After a stupid argument he blocked me and says he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I managed to get in contact again, to which he surprisingly responded, but then we quickly started arguing again and once again refuses to have any kind of contact with me and still doesn’t understand why I simply don’t want FWB. 

I don’t understand why he’s so angry with me. I feel like he hates me, even though he’s the one who instigated the demotion of our relationship status. I’m just trying to make the most of it without going against what I’m truly looking for. At the very least, we could’ve ended things nicely without the nastiness. 

What aren’t I getting? Should I try contacting him again in a few months to see if he’s calmed down? Not necessarily to be FWB or even friends, but just to smooth over any hard feelings like I tried to before. 

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24 minutes ago, LunarUK said:

I don’t understand why he’s so angry with me. I feel like he hates me, even though he’s the one who instigated the demotion of our relationship status. I’m just trying to make the most of it without going against what I’m truly looking for. At the very least, we could’ve ended things nicely without the nastiness. 

What aren’t I getting? Should I try contacting him again in a few months to see if he’s calmed down? Not necessarily to be FWB or even friends, but just to smooth over any hard feelings like I tried to before. 

Sorry this happened. He seems a bit selfish no? His way or the highway. Don't contact him. use this time to reflect on what you really want out of dating /a relationship.

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Please for the love of do not contact him ever again and do not respond if he contact you for another booty call either.

What you are not getting is that he doesn't even see you as a human being. You matter just about as much as a dildo and unless you are willing to put out, he isn't interested in anything else.

Please find some self respect and move on. Why on earth would you even want to chase a guy who treats you worse than dirt?

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41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. He seems a bit selfish no? His way or the highway. Don't contact him. use this time to reflect on what you really want out of dating /a relationship.

Thank you for your kindness. I certainly know what I’m looking for but its hard to find. 

Yes, he’s incredibly self-centred and shrouds himself with victimhood. I get it to an extent as he’s not in a good place (lives in a shared house, few friends, low moods, struggles with his studies) and I suspect he has Asperger’s.

So I do feel slightly sorry for him and hate that he’s made me feel like the bad one in all this even though I know I’m not. My weakness is that I hate conflict even though I know he’s a jerk. But I know you’re right:  no contact! So glad I pushed back. 

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33 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Please for the love of do not contact him ever again and do not respond if he contact you for another booty call either.

What you are not getting is that he doesn't even see you as a human being. You matter just about as much as a dildo and unless you are willing to put out, he isn't interested in anything else.

Please find some self respect and move on. Why on earth would you even want to chase a guy who treats you worse than dirt?

I get that and honestly if he showed me any of that when we were together I would’ve run the other way. But he didn’t. He was very kind, caring and came across as a bit of a loner who struggled with people and relationships.

I think I’m struggling because I’m shocked how his behaviour has changed so suddenly and can’t reconcile it with what I saw of him before. It feels like he’s saying it just to hurt me out of anger and perceived rejection  

Guess I just need time to stop caring. Would be a lot easier if I hated him but instead I feel pity.  In any case Im glad I was strong enough to set my boundaries and say no. Could’ve been a lot worse. 
 
Thank you for taking the time to reply. 

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14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He's a jerk.  He won't see you without sex?  Then he doesn't see you!

No reason to want someone like this as a "friend" or to attempt to "smooth over hard feelings".  What for?

I know, I know. It’s just that I hate conflict and would like to end things as adults - no bitterness or hard feelings. But I know no contact is the right thing and that he’s no good for me. Just wish I didn’t feel so anxious about it all. Need to find another way to self soothe. 

Nice to hear that you just think he’s a jerk though and that I’m not going mad!
 

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Of course, early on everyone is on their best behavior. However, you do mention some glaring issues - selfish, doesn't handle conflict well, block/unblock kind of behavior, victim mentality. I think you need to be careful with making excuses for people like that. Sometimes a jerk is just a jerk and once you realize that, RUUUUUN.

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He's feeling rejected. Not everyone handles rejection well. Losing his temper with you should have red flags blazing and glowing in the dark all over like pins falling out of a pin cushion. This is NOT someone who is in any way, shape or form someone you should be involved with closely. He has issues controlling his temper and isn't emotionally well enough to maintain any intimate relationship. 

This is your cue to step aside as gracefully as possible and let sleeping dogs lie. He's frustrated with you because he can't have what he wants and that reads as rejection for someone with low self-esteem or has been on the losing end for awhile. He needs time to recover and heal or deal with his issues. 

If you want to be friends keep things lighthearted but be mindful that he isn't in the right place for a platonic relationship. You shifted gears and changed the expectations of your situation-ship. I would be a bit more understanding that way but draw clear boundaries and lower your expectations. 

You are expecting boyfriend material out of someone who is not a boyfriend. 

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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

He's feeling rejected. Not everyone handles rejection well. Losing his temper with you should have red flags blazing and glowing in the dark all over like pins falling out of a pin cushion. This is NOT someone who is in any way, shape or form someone you should be involved with closely. He has issues controlling his temper and isn't emotionally well enough to maintain any intimate relationship. 

This is your cue to step aside as gracefully as possible and let sleeping dogs lie. He's frustrated with you because he can't have what he wants and that reads as rejection for someone with low self-esteem or has been on the losing end for awhile. He needs time to recover and heal or deal with his issues. 

If you want to be friends keep things lighthearted but be mindful that he isn't in the right place for a platonic relationship. You shifted gears and changed the expectations of your situation-ship. I would be a bit more understanding that way but draw clear boundaries and lower your expectations. 

You are expecting boyfriend material out of someone who is not a boyfriend. 

I agree with everything you said except one part: I didn’t shift the gears and expectations. He did when he said he didn’t want to be BF/GF. But other than that I get it now, he’s frustrated that I didn’t respond the way he wanted and have shifted gears even further. 

“You are expecting boyfriend material out of someone who is not a boyfriend.”

I’m making this my screensaver!

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I'm sorry it was so confusing. I reread your earlier post. Yes, you both seem to have had an understanding it was a somewhat exclusive relationship. He's manipulative or dealing with way too many issues. I think you have dodged it bullet.

It won't feel so much like it right now and it hurts. 

But, oh boy, will the skies part for you and I reckon it'll happen sooner rather than later. All this will fade away and you'll smile at the good memories but be so glad it's over. 

I wouldn't push for a friendship right now. Let the dust settle and never respond to any verbal abuse or lashing out from someone. That just rewards the bad behaviour and allows individuals who have issues to continue using you like a punching bag. If you need space, be clear and let him know you are stepping away for a bit to clear your mind and request some time to yourself. That message will be loud and clear that you are not interested in messing around any further or putting yourself up or laying yourself out for any debate whether it's about your personal decisions involving your body, sexual interests or what you're looking for while dating. I do believe people come around eventually. Sometimes it just takes time. It doesn't mean you have to wait for it and I definitely would not request it instantaneously right now of him. Let some time pass. 

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I think you seriously just need to get rid of this guy! Just block him on everything and don't bother with him anymore! The reason  why he's angry and treating you bad is because he just wants sex and he realised he's not gonna get it. Sounds like he has the mental development of an animal or a newborn baby where the person is only driven by physical sensations and biological drives lol Above all it's very clear that he doesn't want any relationship or friendship with you and all he wants is sex. If you want a relationship then continuing with this guy in any capacity would be a huge waste of time. Especially because he's not even a decent human being.

Edited by Tinydance
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18 hours ago, LunarUK said:

I get that and honestly if he showed me any of that when we were together I would’ve run the other way. But he didn’t. He was very kind, caring and came across as a bit of a loner who struggled with people and relationships.

I think I’m struggling because I’m shocked how his behaviour has changed so suddenly and can’t reconcile it with what I saw of him before. It feels like he’s saying it just to hurt me out of anger and perceived rejection  

Oh, but he did. You just misinterpreted it as something to pity, not something to be wary of.

From the very beginning, the signs were there. He baited and switched and assumed control:

19 hours ago, LunarUK said:

I started dating a guy almost a year ago. We met online and were both looking for a relationship. It turned out a few dates in that he actually just wanted to see how it went and I was cool with that. Never really saw him as LTR material but thought it could turn into something at least. We spent a lot of time together very quickly, messaged constantly and had great sex. He was the driver and I enjoyed the attention. On the other hand he’s also quite moody and sensitive, often misinterpreting something I’ve said or done and lashing out, blocking or going no contact. 

Definitely block! It's a trap.

In the future, you will hopefully recognize this behavior for what it is. Not the behavior of a man who struggles and want to be better, but that of someone who is greedy for power. 

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I can't understand why you would have anything to do with this guy.  He sounds like a jerk!  "On the other hand he’s also quite moody and sensitive, often misinterpreting something I’ve said or done and lashing out, blocking or going no contact."     Do you usually date people like this?  

This guy is NOT your friend and never has been.  You have allowed him to use you for sex and attention.   That's it.  

 

Show yourself some self respect and delete his number.   He has never cared about you.

Edited by Hollyj
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21 hours ago, LunarUK said:

I get that and honestly if he showed me any of that when we were together I would’ve run the other way. But he didn’t. He was very kind, caring and came across as a bit of a loner who struggled with people and relationships.

I think I’m struggling because I’m shocked how his behaviour has changed so suddenly and can’t reconcile it with what I saw of him before. It feels like he’s saying it just to hurt me out of anger and perceived rejection  

Guess I just need time to stop caring. Would be a lot easier if I hated him but instead I feel pity.  In any case Im glad I was strong enough to set my boundaries and say no. Could’ve been a lot worse. 
 
Thank you for taking the time to reply. 

"a bit of a loner who struggled with people and relationships."   What is attractive about this scenario?  Red flags all over the place.

 

If you hate conflict, then why would you deal with someone like this?

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26 minutes ago, waffle said:

I guess I'm not seeing what is so likeable about this guy.  I'd be saying Good Riddance.

Understandable. When someone is mean and you replay it to others, eg family, you tend to focus on the negatives. There were indeed positives, but not enough. And got worse when he retaliated for me ending things. 

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1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

I can't understand why you would have anything to do with this guy.  He sounds like a jerk!  "On the other hand he’s also quite moody and sensitive, often misinterpreting something I’ve said or done and lashing out, blocking or going no contact."     Do you usually date people like this?  

This guy is NOT your friend and never has been.  You have allowed him to use you for sex and attention.   That's it.  

 

Show yourself some self respect and delete his number.   He has never cared about you.

Wow Hollyj. Kick a girl when she’s down, why dontcha?!

I know what you’re trying to say and that it’s with the best of intentions, but trust me - he was extremely charming at the beginning. But now that I look back, it just feels manipulative. 
He only started to really show his true colours when I pushed back and ended things. If I’d allowed him to use me, I’d still be there with him. We were only together in person for about a month - the honeymoon stage - the rest was long distance. The day he came back, was the day it ended as I walked out. 
That was when the real manipulation and nastiness started. He hated that he couldn’t get his way and/or thought that I liked him so much that I’d roll with it. But the one thing he did continue to do successfully was make me feel guilty as he tried to turn a lot of things back onto me (eg “I abandoned him without saying a word when I left his place that night and can’t be trusted anymore”). I kept trying to tell him that it’s because of how he treated me and he just dismisses is it as if it was nothing and continues to play victim. 
So in short, I wasn’t a complete idiot - I saw it and got out once we were together again in person. The problem I still have - which this board is absolutely helping me with - is that I stupidly still feel/felt a bit guilty and wish we could’ve ended things on a better note. I don’t usually date people like this no, but just thought he was down on his luck and was too patient/understanding. But that’s it. That’s where it ends. I have no regrets about not being together anymore whatsoever!

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23 hours ago, LunarUK said:

It’s just that I hate conflict and would like to end things as adults - no bitterness or hard feelings. But I know no contact is the right thing and that he’s no good for me.

That would be an ideal ending if he chose to act like an adult, rather than throwing a tantrum with the hopes of getting his way.

I'd be careful not to stoop to his level by falling for any crumbs he may offer.  Hopefully you'll soon see that he's not worth your time or effort.

 

 

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2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

"a bit of a loner who struggled with people and relationships."   What is attractive about this scenario?  Red flags all over the place.

 

If you hate conflict, then why would you deal with someone like this?

I found him physically attractive and his openness, emotions and vulnerability endearing. Little did I know that it his a mean-streak of “victim” rather than someone who truly wanted to help himself. Was probably a rebound attraction compared to my ex who was a robot. 
And as for conflicts, that only really started towards the end when I kicked back and pulled the draw bridge up. Before that, it was more him whining about life and being over sensitive rather than us getting into battle. And again, the conflict of how it ended is what’s truly troubling me and nothing to do with him, if that makes sense? It’s the associated guilt which I’m only now learning to shake off as it starts to be replaced with anger - a useful emotion at this time. 

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3 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

That would be an ideal ending if he chose to act like an adult, rather than throwing a tantrum with the hopes of getting his way.

I'd be careful not to stoop to his level by falling for any crumbs he may offer.  Hopefully you'll soon see that he's not worth your time or effort.

 

 

You’re absolutely right. It takes time but I’ll get there. I’ve blocked him on WhatsApp now but he knows where I live and work so suspect that one day he’ll try to make a reappearance. I’ll be ready! 💪🤐😑🧘‍♀️

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And just a bit more context as some of you are asking why I felt bad, tried to smooth things over, etc. 
Well after the initial break-up, we managed to talk it out and I thought we’d found a different way forward, i.e. friends who spoke on occasion. Although he continued to chase and admittedly we did flirt, but that was it. We weren’t together anymore and I was comfortable with leaving it as that.
Then one day when we were messaging and joking around, I sent him a couple of reface images as a joke with his head on a chippendale with cream all over his body and another on a bikini model. He didn’t take the joke well AT ALL - flipped, told me I was insulting him, then blocked me. Even though I knew he was being ridiculous, I felt bad that someone thought I was mocking them. Especially someone who already thought the world was against them. And that’s probably why I wanted to smooth things over - to make myself feel better - but in the end  it just provoked an even nastier outburst. I shouldn’t have bothered. I know what my intentions were. The rest is his problem and I can’t take anymore emotional manipulation. 

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54 minutes ago, LunarUK said:

The problem I still have - which this board is absolutely helping me with - is that I stupidly still feel/felt a bit guilty and wish we could’ve ended things on a better note.

It sounds like you recognize that your feelings of guilt in this scenario are absurd. That's good, because those misplaced feelings of guilt are what's getting you into trouble like this in the first place. Definitely don't act on those feelings! Just ride them out and they will eventually fade. In time, you will have more perspective on the situation, and you will be able to understand your feelings better--even the nonsensical ones. 

Edited by Jibralta
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6 hours ago, LunarUK said:

Wow Hollyj. Kick a girl when she’s down, why dontcha?!

I know what you’re trying to say and that it’s with the best of intentions, but trust me - he was extremely charming at the beginning. But now that I look back, it just feels manipulative. 
He only started to really show his true colours when I pushed back and ended things. If I’d allowed him to use me, I’d still be there with him. We were only together in person for about a month - the honeymoon stage - the rest was long distance. The day he came back, was the day it ended as I walked out. 
That was when the real manipulation and nastiness started. He hated that he couldn’t get his way and/or thought that I liked him so much that I’d roll with it. But the one thing he did continue to do successfully was make me feel guilty as he tried to turn a lot of things back onto me (eg “I abandoned him without saying a word when I left his place that night and can’t be trusted anymore”). I kept trying to tell him that it’s because of how he treated me and he just dismisses is it as if it was nothing and continues to play victim. 
So in short, I wasn’t a complete idiot - I saw it and got out once we were together again in person. The problem I still have - which this board is absolutely helping me with - is that I stupidly still feel/felt a bit guilty and wish we could’ve ended things on a better note. I don’t usually date people like this no, but just thought he was down on his luck and was too patient/understanding. But that’s it. That’s where it ends. I have no regrets about not being together anymore whatsoever!

I said these these as you want to be his "friend" and reach out to him again.  he has treated you terribly.  You need to understand why you were involved and why you want to have any association with him.   This is masochistic!

Edited by Hollyj
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6 hours ago, LunarUK said:

I found him physically attractive and his openness, emotions and vulnerability endearing. Little did I know that it his a mean-streak of “victim” rather than someone who truly wanted to help himself. Was probably a rebound attraction compared to my ex who was a robot. 
And as for conflicts, that only really started towards the end when I kicked back and pulled the draw bridge up. Before that, it was more him whining about life and being over sensitive rather than us getting into battle. And again, the conflict of how it ended is what’s truly troubling me and nothing to do with him, if that makes sense? It’s the associated guilt which I’m only now learning to shake off as it starts to be replaced with anger - a useful emotion at this time. 

Stop looking for projects and find someone who does not have personal conflict the majority of the time.   

 

"On the other hand he’s also quite moody and sensitive, often misinterpreting something I’ve said or done and lashing out, blocking or going no contact. "  This behavior sounds like it was occurring through much if the "relationship."  You actively chose to ignore the warning signs of someone who is F#cked up.   Understand what attracted you too this dynamic.  This is about you and your choices.

 

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