My girlfriend is not sure about our future together

[greendots]

14 hours ago, drdre said:

I will be really troubled to dig so deep down  Maybe that's a big homework for me.

The last thing is what I wanted. I never wanted us to share my liking about these tv shows, for example. I accept her not being cool about them but I don't want to be judged for watching them. I am pro-compromising and I want nothing more than being able to watch them in my own time. The same is valid for my free time - I liked being outside with friends while not being constantly critisized that I wasn't reading the book that would repair our relationship magically somehow (she said that by choosing to spend time outside instead of reading the book I didn't care about our relationship).

According to her she's made a lot of efforts in the past two years to be more flexible and compromising and it turned out that I didn't appreciate that... I still can't see where exactly I am making mistakes.

I feel like the whole world is on my head.

Again - you seem to feel very connected to her, you want to believe it. But are you really?

Sure, we could dig deeper yet again: What does she define as efforts on her part? How so, according to her, haven't you appreciated that?

However, if you feel criticised by her and you aren't okay with her treating you like that, and she doesn't sense that she's part of the equation - then how connected can you both be?

Honestly, I'd love for you guys to work it out. But I'd also love for you to not have to "fight" over trivial stuff like television shows, to not have to justify what you do all the time, etc. 🙂

I didn't want to ask this outright - what is stopping you from making sure you get your needs met in this relationship?

[drdre]

Thank you all for the additional answers! I can't reply to everybody personally anymore because the forum allows me a certain number of posts per day so I'll try to combine everything in a single post.

@catfeeder- I can't really say anything to your post, it's straight to the point and that seems the best and most mature decision! Although I made a mistake when I told her that I didn't want to pressure her and she had time to think about it - she then asked how much time did she has to which i said I'm not in a hurry, couple of weeks were not a problem for me. So now she is pressured by time to decide yes/no while it had to be indefinite as it appears...

@Wiseman2It does get exhausting, I've told her many times that I don't like this approach that treats the relationship like it is some science and making X and Y will lead to Z. I don't' enjoy chronic debating and I want this to stop but I still can afford couple of weeks to see where things go, I guess?

@Batya33 Your point of view seeems to correlate to catfeeder's one so I guess it is the universally accepted and logical thing to do in such situations. That totally makes sense and, as it seems, puts you in control of your own destiny while being a healthy approach, too. Yes - it turns out that passivity is easier sometimes and I catch myself enjoying it, I have to consciously try to battle it because it is not good at all, right? I tried many times in the past telling her that none of her issues were within my control but she insisted that we were both in the relationship so we were both responsible for it. This made me question myself if I was trying to "escape" responsibility and be passive by telling her to deal with it herself.

@boltnrunI guess you're right. Maybe not to the same degree, but every one of us may want the other to be something different...

@greendotsI can't say for sure that I'm really connected to her. Like you said - I seem to feel and believe it but that doesn't mean I really am, right? She defined her efforts as trying to be more flexible, to understand and accept me, going to therapy and reading books to make our relationship better (the last thing was "not appreciated" by me). I'd also love to not have to fight over stupid things, there are more important things in life. About the last question - I didn't understand it. I think some of my needs are met, but many more are not.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, drdre said:

@Wiseman2It does get exhausting, I've told her many times that I don't like this approach that treats the relationship like it is some science and making X and Y will lead to Z. I don't' enjoy chronic debating and I want this to stop but I still can afford couple of weeks to see where things go, I guess?

@Batya33

Who is deciding whether to salvage things or not and how long do you plan on entertaining the text debates and limbo?

Isn't this your life too? Oh well, people spend time on video games so if this is how you spend your spare time enjoy it.

[drdre]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who is deciding whether to salvage things or not and how long do you plan on entertaining the text debates and limbo?

Isn't this your life too? Oh well, people spend time on video games so if this is how you spend your spare time enjoy it.

I guess every one of us can exit the relationship at any time. I think I can let her have her time to think about the situation. Not indefinitely, of course. Meanwhile I am spending my spare time as usual, it hasn't changed because of the situation.

[greendots]

7 hours ago, drdre said:

 

@greendotsI can't say for sure that I'm really connected to her. Like you said - I seem to feel and believe it but that doesn't mean I really am, right? She defined her efforts as trying to be more flexible, to understand and accept me, going to therapy and reading books to make our relationship better (the last thing was "not appreciated" by me). I'd also love to not have to fight over stupid things, there are more important things in life. About the last question - I didn't understand it. I think some of my needs are met, but many more are not.

I was just asking what exactly was holding you back from asserting yourself in this relationship, from letting her know through actions and words that your feelings, wishes and desires in this relationship are also important.

However, you've now done this which is great! Whichever the outcome, I wish you the best!!

[drdre]

59 minutes ago, greendots said:

I was just asking what exactly was holding you back from asserting yourself in this relationship, from letting her know through actions and words that your feelings, wishes and desires in this relationship are also important.

However, you've now done this which is great! Whichever the outcome, I wish you the best!!

Thank you!