Sent me a weird text, told me he'd check in, and now he hasn't. Do I just block and move on?

[joyce]

I’ve been talking to this guy I met online for a week and everything’s been going swimmingly. He initiates a lot of texts and we’ve talked quite a bit every day since we met. We had a video date a few days ago and had an in person date planned for this weekend. He’s seemed very interested the whole time and has been very mature and lovely to me.

Well, yesterday we were texting throughout the day like usual. Towards the evening, he asked how my day was and it took me a couple hours to answer because I was busy with other things. When I did answer, he immediately came back with “I want to talk to you, but I’m just not in the headspace right now, but also didn’t want to not respond. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

Kinda took me by surprise, but I obviously just said I understood, hope he’s okay, and we can talk later. Well, now it’s tomorrow and I haven’t heard a peep. And it’s getting late enough that I doubt I will. He’s been active on the dating app we met on, so I know he’s not in a coma in the hospital or anything like that. 

I’m all about giving space, and if he needs to take care of himself then obviously he should. But what even was that text?? I feel like he pretended to be concerned about how I would feel if he just didn’t answer me, but obviously he’s not THAT concerned because he didn’t follow through today like he said he would and honestly is probably ghosting me now. Why not just ghost me to begin with then? Why send the weird text? I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. I just feel like he’s playing games, setting me up for emotional manipulation, or testing me. None of which I like at all.

I’m sure I’ll get “he’s not interested” or "he's found another woman to talk to" and I get that. So should I just block him now? Give him a few more days (and be annoyed the whole time)? Bite the bullet and send a feeler text tonight?

[Hollyj]

I think you have over invested in someone you have only known a week.  You haven't even met in person.     You need to chill out.

[limichelle]

Hi op!

 

If it’s already a headache with communication then time to move on. You don’t need to block but delete his contact information 

[melancholy123]

Just move on, there could be many reasons you haven't heard from him.  He knows how to contact you if he wants to.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, joyce said:

I’ve been talking to this guy I met online for a week .He initiates a lot of texts and we’ve talked quite a bit every day since we met. 

, he immediately came back with “I want to talk to you, but I’m just not in the headspace right now, but also didn’t want to not respond. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

Run 👟👟. Texting is Not dating and text tethering and snarky remarks are even more red flags 🚩.

Be glad he revealed this weirdness this early on.

You're both still on dating apps talking to and meeting others. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Move forward and start talking to others but focus on setting up a meeting, not texting all day.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, joyce said:

Bite the bullet and send a feeler text tonight?

I would not do this, no. 

This guy is a stranger, for all intents and purposes. There's no point trying to solicit a response when he knows very well how to get in touch and he left the ball in his own court. 

I would leave it and prioritize other options. 

[smackie9]

This guy got weird when you didn't respond right away. Probably from his experience he took it as disinterest. BUT that means he's quite clingy/needy or he is one of those "nice guys" that feels entitled and is expectant of receiving as much as they give. And yes he doesn't know you, and he was so quick to judge. Red flags everywhere. The seemingly overly nice ones can be just as bad as the jerks/players. Don't contact him to correct his impression of you when you never did anything wrong. He's the one that put out some weird reaction...I say you dodged a bullet.

[reinventmyself]

17 hours ago, joyce said:

When I did answer, he immediately came back with “I want to talk to you, but I’m just not in the headspace right now, but also didn’t want to not respond. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

 

 

That seems a tad dramatic for me. . .that and volunteering to contact you and then never following through.

That would be enough for me to block him. 

If he's interested and worth your time, don't forget - this is him at his best and he should be trying to make the best impression.

[Clio]

20 hours ago, joyce said:

I’m sure I’ll get “he’s not interested” or "he's found another woman to talk to" and I get that. So should I just block him now? Give him a few more days (and be annoyed the whole time)? Bite the bullet and send a feeler text tonight?

You have no way of knowing what happened.  Imo, you should move on i.e. go on the dating app and communicate with new people like he is doing because a. there is no point in giving him a few more days if you are going to " be annoyed the whole time" and b. sending a feeler is pointless since he clearly indicated that he would contact you himself.  Not contacting you is an indication that for, whatever reason, he did not want to contact you.  Getting this annoyed about someone that you have never met in person indicates that you need to rethink about emotionally overinvesting in someone who is actually a stranger.  Imo, online communication should not be taken this seriously, let alone if it's only been a week.  Making heavy remarks and then not following through on his words is indeed a red flag.  Imo, you should consider this as as a warning that, at the very least, he is not in a healthy headspace, and move on to talking to other people.          

[Rose Mosse]

Just leave it the way it is. Carry talking to other matches or people you find interesting. I don't really have a time limit for things like these but at some point your interest will probably wane as well and you'll forget him. 

See what else is out there. 

[Batya33]

He's not ghosting nor do you have to give him space because he is a stranger you've been typing to for a short time.  Until you meet and then decide to go on a real date and then go out a number of times assume that each date is the last one unless there are time/place plans for another date. Before you meet someone from a dating site in person they can't ghost you and they don't need space because you were never together from which to need space.  He's simply a stranger -for all practical purposes -that you may or may not meet and date.  So I suggest limiting the typing and talking before you meet because it sounds like you got very attached very fast.

[joyce]

Thanks all. To put it simply, I was "not in the right headspace" the other night when I wrote this post 😂. I definitely overinvested, I've found that the current circumstances with the pandemic and everything have made it hard not to do so (extra lonely, bored and lots of time to text, craving excitement, etc.). Plus, I'm fresh out of a FWB situation in which I learned the hard way that casual stuff and physical connection alone isn't my cup of tea. So when he started sharing some deeply personal stuff and texting me A LOT right off the bat, I interpreted it as someone open, honest, emotionally available, and ready to emotionally connect...basically the opposite of what my FWB was and I got excited. I do think there were some alarm bells ringing in my head with how personal he was getting so fast, but I rode with it because it felt good in the moment but I realize now it was over the top. Probably should've seen that as the red flag to begin with and been a bit more on guard, but hey, now I know!

Anyway, I still haven't heard from him, but I'm glad I left it alone because I'm much less upset now. I still think it's kinda weird, but hopefully he's okay, and if I do hear from him again, I think I'll be able to easily handle it and move on without having to block him or anything. Bottom line, even if he's being genuine, that's just a major incompatibility issue for me in terms of communication.

Thanks again!

[Rose Mosse]

That's all right. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You understand yourself a bit better now and that's all that matters. 

I see you're quite aware about how your FWB situation impacted you and are also aware of the reasons why FWB doesn't work for you. That's +++ if you ask me. Have fun chatting with different people. 

You've formed an emotional connection very fast. Did you notice yourself hoping that "he's okay"? You don't know each other so while kindness does make the world go round, you don't have to keep hovering over whether he's all right or not. Life goes on. Keep things a bit more lighthearted and enjoy the experience. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, joyce said:

, I've found that the current circumstances with the pandemic and everything have made it hard not to do so (extra lonely, bored and lots of time to text, craving excitement, etc.). Plus, I'm fresh out of a FWB situation in which I learned the hard way that casual stuff and physical connection alone isn't my cup of tea.

Good insight. These types of vulnerabilities and voids can trick your mind into thinking a bad thing is a good thing. 

Start with that. Fill in the boredom and loneliness voids in more consistent and solid ways.

Reactive dating is also a knee jerk response to a recent unhappy ending. This again can be modified by not seeking out "the opposite*, of the previous situation.

 

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, joyce said:

Thanks all. To put it simply, I was "not in the right headspace" the other night when I wrote this post 😂. I definitely overinvested, I've found that the current circumstances with the pandemic and everything have made it hard not to do so (extra lonely, bored and lots of time to text, craving excitement, etc.). Plus, I'm fresh out of a FWB situation in which I learned the hard way that casual stuff and physical connection alone isn't my cup of tea. So when he started sharing some deeply personal stuff and texting me A LOT right off the bat, I interpreted it as someone open, honest, emotionally available, and ready to emotionally connect...basically the opposite of what my FWB was and I got excited. I do think there were some alarm bells ringing in my head with how personal he was getting so fast, but I rode with it because it felt good in the moment but I realize now it was over the top. Probably should've seen that as the red flag to begin with and been a bit more on guard, but hey, now I know!

Anyway, I still haven't heard from him, but I'm glad I left it alone because I'm much less upset now. I still think it's kinda weird, but hopefully he's okay, and if I do hear from him again, I think I'll be able to easily handle it and move on without having to block him or anything. Bottom line, even if he's being genuine, that's just a major incompatibility issue for me in terms of communication.

Thanks again!

Glad you're feeling better!  I wouldn't look at it as an incompatibility because it's not relevant -that's only relevant for dating purposes with someone you are dating -because you have no idea what compatibilities you have with this stranger for dating purposes let alone incompatibilities. 

 

For example, if you meet ASAP in person you won't know if -when he's interacting with a stranger - he goes MIA - I'm sure you've done that in your life intentionally or otherwise.  I am trying to meet new people -friendship - and if the person and I message a little on Facebook and then she goes MIA but resurfaces months later and then wants to meet I typically brush aside the initial flakiness when we'd just messaged some and made no plans.  But if we meet or make plans and she flakes more than once with no emergency, I'm done basically with rare exception because then we have an interaction that is friendship and compatibilities matter.

Yes i have friends online only or I've only met them once or twice -including from this forum! But when I met men in person for dating purposes that was different -I met in person ASAP in a public place for a short time to see if we should go on a real date. Chemistry in person is key - looks being the least of it.  JMHO and glad you are feeling better.  Yes, this pandemic -I even now sometimes get a little chatty through my mask with cashiers, sigh.

[SherrySher]

It could be a couple things. Maybe the fact that you took a while to reply (in his eyes because a few hours, isn't a long time), but his ego was hurt and he decided to move on.

Or maybe your texting style and his texting style didn't match up and get felt you were incompatible so again, he moved on.

People can be funny like that, they can read into things and if it doesn't go as they felt it should have, they won't bother.

Take it as a good thing that you didn't get involved with someone who was this touchy.

[SherrySher]

Just read your update, good choice on not letting it bother you and realizing why it initially hurt your feelings.

It's always a good idea to take things slow and to not get emotionally invested in someone until you truly know them and know if they are worth your energy and time. This can take from a few weeks to a few months to know for sure! Even then, it's good to be cautious.

Glad you're feeling better.

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good insight. These types of vulnerabilities and voids can trick your mind into thinking a bad thing is a good thing. 

Start with that. Fill in the boredom and loneliness voids in more consistent and solid ways.

Reactive dating is also a knee jerk response to a recent unhappy ending. This again can be modified by not seeking out "the opposite*, of the previous situation.

 

Good advice. Obviously, when you're lonely and bored, dating seems like the best possible solution. But you have to take it easy because loneliness and boredom make you more prone to rushing into a bad situation.

My take on this guy's behavior is that he lost interest after your video chat and doesn't know how to tell you that without feeling like an a-hole. He's paving his way out of the situation with the "headspace" text.  

[smackie9]

Hey there is plenty more to talk to and see. Release your emotions on this, take time to heal your brain with more positive thoughts. Reach out to friends and family, have a good chat with them, go for walks, listen to music, rearrange your furniture, buy some now throw pillows, get some fresh flowers, decorate for the holidays. Keep doing feel good things.

[smackie9]

Hey there is plenty more to talk to and see. Release your emotions on this, take time to heal your brain with more positive thoughts. Reach out to friends and family, have a good chat with them, go for walks, listen to music, rearrange your furniture, buy some now throw pillows, get some fresh flowers, decorate for the holidays. Keep doing feel good things.

[reinventmyself]

I read a saying once. . .If you're hungry, you'll eat just about anything.  That's why I don't go to the market when I'm hungry.

The same applies to dating.   But you've already caught yourself.  Good on you.  

I get it.  Times are difficult and no one can blame you for enjoying the exchange.

Internet dating is dicey.   Not matter the times. . practice letting go and not having any expectations until which time the two of you have had several opportunities for developing an in person friendship.  Until then. . the rest is fluff.  No reason you can't enjoy a chat with someone, but it's nothing you can count on.

Carry on . .and try practicing living in the moment and if you want to reach out to people, make sure you mix it up and try talking to more than one at a time.   Again . .with expectations.   . . .Hang in there!!