Starting dating exposed how fragile and bad I am with people

[BackToYou]

So I have suffered from anxiety and insecurities for pretty much all of my life. I have had relationships here and there, but not LTR. While I have been somewhat lonely for years, I have been able to enjoy life with friends and managed to make success in a career. I finally felt that I was in a place in my life where I could consider romantic relationships and live stable, normal life. Especially I felt I was finally emotionally ready to face possible rejections and keep my emotions in check whatever happens.

It turns out I was wrong, very wrong. I feel quite a few women were interested in me but my anxiety and insecurities still exists and caused my dates to lose interest in me fast. I feel I have been living in denial for ages and I am probably doomed to live without romantic relationship and never get kids and family. To be honest, in a darkest moments I have felt very suicidial especially now in christmas time.

Good news are that I have now realized the problem is in my head and not because I would be ugly. However, I do feel that I am just late to the party now and even though I would be able to fix the most of my problems, the train has left the station.

I just want to get rid of insecurities so I could be more relaxed around people. Any advice?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BackToYou said:

in a darkest moments I have felt very suicidial especially now in christmas time.

You need to see a physician about the depression, moods and suicidal thoughts. A therapist can help you for ongoing support. This is not about simple dating insecurity. 

[Batya33]

I would consider a Toastmasters program which I've heard is great for social/public speaking -a little off point but you'll also meet interesting people.  A lot of it is fake it till you make it.  I went on over a hundred first meets and probably a hundred "blind dates" and often I had to do a lot of self talk in advance.  I'd also look at Dr. Browne's Dating for Dummies.

[limichelle]

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad op. I hear you, as I too struggle with this. May I suggest you step back from the dating scene for now? Focus on your troubles with a therapist?  I think once you sort out these issues you have you can then build confidence and good connections once ready. 

[Rose Mosse]

Is this dating online or an online app? Please try not to take these things too personally. I hear a lot of men generally don't get many replies from the women they reach out to or their matches also. 2020 is also a strange time for a lot of people who are unwilling to put in much effort in the dating scene. 

Do you have any options to see a therapist or doctor? There are online or video call options (remote sessions) too. It may be subsidized or covered by your employer.

Good for you for having your life together as well with your career and being so thoughtful. 

I'd probably also consider sleep or quality of sleep a factor especially if you also have anxious thoughts. Sleep deprivation is just awful for moods. 

 

[catfeeder]

On 12/9/2020 at 7:35 AM, BackToYou said:

I feel quite a few women were interested in me but my anxiety and insecurities still exists and caused my dates to lose interest in me fast.

In what ways did you demonstrate your anxiety and insecurities?

[Capricorn3]

I think the first and immediate thing to do would be to make an appointment with a doctor and get a referral to a Therapist to address your suicidal thoughts, and once that is addressed, continue with therapy to address the anxiety and insecurity issues.  These are not things you can sort out on your own (imo).  You need professional help, and the sooner the better.  Once you're mentally healthy, relationships will become healthier too.  Good luck to you.

[maritalbliss86]

16 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I think the first and immediate thing to do would be to make an appointment with a doctor and get a referral to a Therapist to address your suicidal thoughts, and once that is addressed, continue with therapy to address the anxiety and insecurity issues.  These are not things you can sort out on your own (imo).  You need professional help, and the sooner the better.  Once you're mentally healthy, relationships will become healthier too.  Good luck to you.

Right!  My first thought was that you probably need to be on a good anti-anxiety drug.  I know people hate being medicated, or the thought of it, due to stigma (I hated it!), but for me, anti-anxiety medicine really helped when biochemically my body just was not producing the hormones and chemicals it needed to feel like a normal human being.

The medication allowed for me to feel normal again due to forcing the body's biomechanisms to allow for serotonin (the calming hormone that alleviates your anxiety) to be at normal, healthy levels.

You may not be able to feel that way until this is sorted out medically, but you'd need to get medical help for that assessment.  

[maritalbliss86]

Think of it like having a medical condition like diabetes... you'd need to take insulin to survive right?  

This really isn't so different.  Your body may actually be depleted of serotonin (it sounds like it, but you'd need an official medical diagnosis).  So just like a diabetic needs their insulin (and can die without it), you may need a drug that can inhibit serotonin reuptake so that it stays in your blood stream longer and helps you feel normal.

The suicide is a real risk, so not treating this like a medical problem is dangerous.  Praying for you.