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Finally told my best friend how I feel about her. Not really sure what to think?


SonicHighway

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I had a long-running thread about it, and I don't care to recount the entire background, so honestly, if you're not familiar, it's probably best to look up that old thread. Anyway, we finally had that talk, and thankfully, it wasn't the least bit awkward or weird at all, and we're still all good.

 

For one, it turns out I wasn't crazy, as per that mutual acquaintance (the whole "Be more open" thing); apparently, said acquaintance suggested to my friend in private that we'd be really nice together. What I found more shocking, though, is what my friend dropped on me next... Apparently, when she and her ex were finishing their split, he told her that it would be "okay" if she dated me. That totally threw me for a loop. I... did not see that coming at all. Unfortunately, though, my friend felt frustrated by both of these instances of people trying to steer her on how to date. She also said that it still felt weird to her, since I was friends with both her and her ex, even if I was friends with her longer/ more.

 

But, she did say that, thinking about it, she does think that we'd be good together on some level. But that she's lost track of what she wants in the long term, and that she doesn't feel like she's at all in the right place for something serious right now. She's more content chasing fleeting "fun" for the moment, and she said I "wouldn't want to date her right now". She seemed to kinda leave it open to the idea that things could change after some more time passes, I guess?

 

I don't feel "bad" after this interaction at all. I mean, all things considered, it definitely could've gone a lot worse, so I'm grateful that didn't happen. Still, I've spent so long driving myself crazy wondering "What if?", and I guess I was hoping for more "closure", so that I'd have a very strong, clear case to shut those thoughts down completely. Now, I still feel like I'm going to keep holding out hope. Plus, her admitting that she thinks we could be good together (not to mention, two other people, one of which being her ex, also tried to nudge her towards me) makes my heart ache, thinking about "What could have been" if things were different. I dunno. I just can't really figure out what to make of any of this, and how to feel.

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Because a friend told her you would be good together she HAS thought about it in her mind whether she wants to date you or not -- even if she wasn't ready, she played it out in her mind.

 

Any answer other than YES is NO

 

What "closure" are you looking for? She clearly cares for you as a friend because she is trying not to hurt your feelings.

 

She WAS clear that you are friends with her ex, so its a no for that reason AND she is tired of people setting her up or telling her to date.

 

You are hurting yourself buy trying to be the man in waiting

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I guess. I dunno. Perhaps I'm very naïve, but I generally take her words at face value, and I feel like if she really intended to fully shut it down, she could have done so without it being "hurtful" or anything. I mean, I'm not trying to look for false hope, but personally, I don't feel like she'd have said the thing she said if she was 100% sure she wouldn't be open to it later on. But, I like I said, I realize that I'm probably overly "naïve", so, I dunno.

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I guess. I dunno. Perhaps I'm very naïve, but I generally take her words at face value, and I feel like if she really intended to fully shut it down, she could have done so without it being "hurtful" or anything. I mean, I'm not trying to look for false hope, but personally, I don't feel like she'd have said the thing she said if she was 100% sure she wouldn't be open to it later on. But, I like I said, I realize that I'm probably overly "naïve", so, I dunno.

 

She did shut you down. There was no hope in "you are my ex's friend," "i am tired of people telling me who to date"

If someone says "can i have some soup" and the waitress says "Honey, the soup is cold, there is about 1" left and Melvin just sneezed in it" are you going to say "two bowls please!"

 

Anything other than "oh, i feel the same way about you. i am so glad you told me " is NO

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No, yeah, I mean, I get that. It's just... At the end of the day, she is only three months removed from a five year relationship. Regardless of anything, I don't expect that she'd just be ready to jump right into a serious relationship with me, or someone new. Yes, it's easy to say things like "If she wants it badly enough, then it doesn't matter how long she's been out of her relationship", or "People are ALWAYS open to finding true love no matter what their current situation is", but just from listening to her after the breakup, I can tell that she's still "decompressing" from her past relationship, and that she is trying to "find herself". And while I admit that perhaps I may not be well-versed in how women "let people down gently", given the relationship she and I have, I don't feel like she'd feel the need to have to "sugarcoat" anything. And while I don't think she explicitly intended to keep me "hanging onto hope", I don't think she would have expressed that she does think we could be good together, or used any kind of open language about things possibly changing in the future. She knows she can speak to me honestly and openly, and if she wanted to say "We're just friends, and I think we should keep it that way", she could have absolutely said that.

 

As for her ex, he and I currently aren't "friends" anymore. We haven't been in contact since he moved away three months ago. Still, I do understand that it's... awkward. But she knows (and she even said as much) that me and her are closer than me and him were, and I think once we're further removed from the situation, it's certainly possible that that weirdness will fade out.

 

I dunno. Again, while I'm not trying to look for false hope, I like to think that it's at least possible that it's just "too soon". Again, I know some can argue that there's no such thing as the "right" or "wrong time", but I disagree, because life is messy, and complicated sometimes. Knowing her as I do, I do feel like she's "not ready" (not just for me, but for anyone for anything "real"), and I feel like she'll probably end up going through something of a "rebound" phase. And perhaps it's for the best if I'm not a "rebound". Heck, maybe she, herself, even recognizes that. Still, I think it's good that I told her now, because now she knows where I stand, and when she does feel ready for something real, she knows that I do have the interest.

 

But, again, I do realize that I'm "not well-versed" in these matters, and so perhaps my perceptions of the situation are skewed by my own personal biases.

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OP, I read your post very carefully several times, to make sure I am not missing anything. I'm afraid to say I have to agree with the posters above: She's letting you down gently. It was a very clear (if hidden/disguised) NO thank you. Sorry.

 

That said, kudos to you for finding the courage to tell her how you feel. Sorry it wasn't reciprocated.

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I don't think you're naive and I'm not telling you not to take her words at "face value" - and having said that -please do yourself a big favor and move on. For everyone who explained this above -she is not that into you. Will it ever change? Sure anything is possible -and be rest assured that if she realizes you're her person she will want you to know that ASAP and directly with no room for any analysis. She will find you and if you're still interested then you can consider it. But yes you got closure. 100%. She does not want to date you, she doesn't see long term potential, she also is a tactful and kind human being.

 

I'm glad you spoke to her - that did take courage and was a good idea under the circumstances. I'm sorry she doesn't feel the same way.

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Life is about risk taking. Think about what is worth the risk and what is not. One fact that I'd consider is that investing a lot of emotional energy and time into a crush who might never return the sentiment will absolutely prevent you from dating a potential love interest. How many potential partners will be passing you by while you pine away for someone who won't date you now, and maybe never.

 

I never think it's wise to put yourself on ice for someone who is a high risk to your heart. IMO, nobody is worth waiting around for. And a person who cares about you will understand that if you need to distance yourself to get what you really want in life--a girlfriend.

 

No emotionally healthy woman will date you when you're hanging out with and communicating with a woman you have a crush on. For your own good, since you've mentally passed that boundary, you're going to have to let that friendship fade to the back burner. If you explain to her the reason you're doing that, she will understand if she's a decent woman, and accept it.

 

You will no doubt hate that advice, but as a person who has lived a long time on the planet, I'm speaking from a lot of experience. Nobody said life was easy. I've had to forego a few friendships for my own good and the good of others.

 

Set your personal goals using both your brain and heart, and I hope you achieve them in the shiny new year, bound to be better than the last.

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On 12/6/2020 at 4:11 PM, SonicHighway said:

I just can't really figure out what to make of any of this, and how to feel.

If she'd said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not into you and I'll never want to be anything more than your friend," would you still be her best friend?

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I am sorry to hear this as I was hopeful this would end the way you wanted it to. But sadly, I have to agree with the others - she is letting you down easy because she cares about you as a friend and is a decent person.

It's hard not to try to manipulate the narrative when it comes to matters of the heart, and it seems like you are looking for any glimmer of hope you can hang on to.  Unfortunately, this will only serve to hurt you more in the long run, especially when she does meet someone she wants to build a romantic relationship with.  As hard as it will be, you should separate yourself from this situation indefinitely.

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