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Relieved I got away but I get mad at myself


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Just an update... I'm finally starting to feel that relief I so desperately wanted to feel, that I left a marriage that was hurting me and that I did the right thing for myself and my future. I don't feel it all the time, but it comes to me in waves and I know I don't feel as despaired as I did a few weeks ago. I'm back at work, I don't feel guilty about leaving, there are good things.

 

I'm trying not to feel mad at myself or guilty about staying so long and putting up with things... it's a hard thing to cope with. I let someone mistreat me for so long... I've started talking to my therapist about it, but an hour a week doesn't feel like enough. Then again I haven't even told her everything. I feel like I'm having extremely delayed reactions to certain incidents that are burned in my brain. They are so hard to vocalize... just certain incidents of being bullied and tormented, for some reason those are harder to talk about than the times he shoved me. Also I'm pretty sure he raped me... how come that never bothered me until now? It happened in July, I haven't even really reacted to it and it doesn't feel like a big deal, but last night I thought about it a lot as I was trying to sleep and I'm disturbed by it now. I sometimes wish I could just vent about what I went through alone but I don't know that it would help or if anyone would care. I don't even understand myself sometimes, I'm so embarrassed.

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Congratulate yourself for getting out of that situation.

 

Also, ask if you can see your therapist more than once a week if you feel it will help.

 

Maybe a friend or family member wouldn't mind being a sounding board for you. Ask for maybe 20 minutes, 3 times a week.

 

And finally, maybe start a journal so you can type out all those thoughts and feelings.

 

Forgive yourself. You won't be going back to that bad situation and that's a good thing. No need for you to be beating yourself up mentally. You've been through enough of that.

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Just an update... I'm finally starting to feel that relief I so desperately wanted to feel, that I left a marriage that was hurting me and that I did the right thing for myself and my future. I don't feel it all the time, but it comes to me in waves and I know I don't feel as despaired as I did a few weeks ago. I'm back at work, I don't feel guilty about leaving, there are good things.

 

I'm trying not to feel mad at myself or guilty about staying so long and putting up with things... it's a hard thing to cope with. I let someone mistreat me for so long... I've started talking to my therapist about it, but an hour a week doesn't feel like enough. Then again I haven't even told her everything. I feel like I'm having extremely delayed reactions to certain incidents that are burned in my brain. They are so hard to vocalize... just certain incidents of being bullied and tormented, for some reason those are harder to talk about than the times he shoved me. Also I'm pretty sure he raped me... how come that never bothered me until now? It happened in July, I haven't even really reacted to it and it doesn't feel like a big deal, but last night I thought about it a lot as I was trying to sleep and I'm disturbed by it now. I sometimes wish I could just vent about what I went through alone but I don't know that it would help or if anyone would care. I don't even understand myself sometimes, I'm so embarrassed.

Hey Pink I'm sorry you had to go thru this.

 

Don't be to hard on yourself this is part of being human. it's important to learn from your mistakes, and be thankful for this opportunity to grow.

 

take your lessons and move on in a much more positive fashion with renewed hope.

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Glad you're now on the right path to a better life. I stayed too long, myself, in a bad first marriage. It is what it is, but now I'm living the second half of my life having made wiser and better choices for myself.

 

It's good to dump all of those emotions out and deal with them now. Just remember there should be an expiration date to all of that. I realized that myself when years later, I'd bring up all the bitter stories to someone. I found that rehashing all of that toxicity was bringing the ugly past to the present again, and making me feel all the emotions that go along with it.

 

There's a time and place for it, which is now. But one day, that behavior needs to fade. Sharing the happy present-day things going on in your life will and should take precedence, and of course, nobody's life is golden, so of course you can still vent and share what's going wrong with friends and families, as long as it's not overdone, as we all do.

 

Something similar to that: When my brother went to AA meetings, it was of enormous help to him for many years. But one day, he tired of sharing his story and decided the meetings were no longer necessary. They served a purpose for him during a certain time period, and he knew when it was time to discontinue his participation.

 

Be cognizant of when that time is right for you in your healing stage. Take care.

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Everything you confide in a professional is protected and confidential. It's not in your best interest to omit important info or manipulate therapeutic sessions.

I've started talking to my therapist about it, but an hour a week doesn't feel like enough. Then again I haven't even told her everything.
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Everything you confide in a professional is protected and confidential. It's not in your best interest to omit important info or manipulate therapeutic sessions.

 

For sure. I don't do it to manipulate, but there's only so much we can focus on in each 50 minute session, and we focus more on my feelings than recapping incidents- I have way too many to detail. For some reason this rapey incident kind of fell from my mind all this time until recently- I couldn't tell you why. It's stuck in my head now though so I'm going to bring it up this week.

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There's a time and place for it, which is now. But one day, that behavior needs to fade. Sharing the happy present-day things going on in your life will and should take precedence, and of course, nobody's life is golden, so of course you can still vent and share what's going wrong with friends and families, as long as it's not overdone, as we all do.

 

 

Thanks for sharing that, I'm glad you got out too. It's still very fresh for me, I left in mid September. So I don't know how long I need. In general I don't share details with anyone or vent to anyone as much as I think I might like to, I'm scared no one will care and I don't see the point in making people sad if they do care. Feels like all I have sometimes are my therapist and enotalone.

 

I'm struggling a lot with embarrassment over things that happened to me, I'm even embarrassed on this forum somehow but I keep posting. And I'm not able to understand if I was raped that day, but I remember every detail and I remember other times of him wanting sex even if he was mad at me or I was crying. I'm just disgusted today.

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I feel like I'm having extremely delayed reactions to certain incidents that are burned in my brain. They are so hard to vocalize... just certain incidents of being bullied and tormented, for some reason those are harder to talk about than the times he shoved me. Also I'm pretty sure he raped me... how come that never bothered me until now? It happened in July, I haven't even really reacted to it and it doesn't feel like a big deal, but last night I thought about it a lot as I was trying to sleep and I'm disturbed by it now. I sometimes wish I could just vent about what I went through alone but I don't know that it would help or if anyone would care. I don't even understand myself sometimes, I'm so embarrassed.

 

You were stuck in abusive situation, and you normalized the abuse. That's what people do in order to cope.

 

You didn't react then because you'd become accustomed to that treatment.

 

Now that you are not being constantly broken down, your baseline is starting to rise to your new normal. You are starting to see things with new eyes, and you are reacting accordingly.

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Makes sense, but I have this weird detached feeling about that rape incident in particular. IÂ’ve been more affected by other things that happened in my marriage. I guess it doesnÂ’t feel like what I thought? I was disturbed but right now IÂ’m thinking about it in a fixated way... I almost wish I could have a meltdown now instead of worrying itÂ’ll hit me later.

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Makes sense, but I have this weird detached feeling about that rape incident in particular. I’ve been more affected by other things that happened in my marriage. I guess it doesn’t feel like what I thought? I was disturbed but right now I’m thinking about it in a fixated way... I almost wish I could have a meltdown now instead of worrying it’ll hit me later.

 

It happened to you during a time in your life when you were already oppressed. It may never "hit" you for numerous reasons. It's a violation and a robbery, but it doesn't have to destroy you. You will probably think about it for the rest of your life. It's a deeply personal situation, and your feelings may change over time. Make sure to seek out whatever support you need. Have you spoken to your therapist about this?

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I haven’t shared this incident with my therapist no. We focused a lot at first on my feelings about leaving and my fearful feelings, and I’ve shared whatever “incidents” I feel most scared me. Somehow this one didn’t make the top of the list and I kind of forgot about it? Over the last few months I find myself remembering stuff that I’m shocked I forgot. Doesn’t really make sense to me and it’s hard to explain. I do think about it from time to time without any emotion, but last night as I was trying to fall asleep I kept playing through the scene, and even today I can’t get it off my mind. I feel like it should upset me more than it does but mostly I’m just kind of shocked that happened.

Edited by PinkMoonlite
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You are still "unpacking."

 

It's going to take time to sort through everything that's happened in your marriage.

 

While you were there, your personality lived in a very confined space. You stuffed much of what you thought and felt into a box and hid it.

 

Now that you are out of that situation, you have a safe space. You've removed the box from hiding and you're going through its contents.

 

No doubt it's like one of those chinese take out boxes, where the food just keeps coming out, and you're like, "How did they get all of this food in here?"

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[QUOTE=Jibralta;7253439]You are still "unpacking." 

It's going to take time to sort through everything that's happened in your marriage. 

While you were there, your personality lived in a very confined space. You stuffed much of what you thought and felt into a box and hid it.

Now that you are out of that situation, you have a safe space. You've removed the box from hiding and you're going through its contents. 

No doubt it's like one of those chinese take out boxes, where the food just keeps coming out, and you're like, "How did they get all of this food in here?"[/QUOTE]

I like that analogy, it does feel like that. Like I'm at a safe distance and can carefully pick through the memories. I have no desire whatsoever to go back in time but I wish I could go back and whisper into my old self's ear, that I'll get out. 

I can't afford to be doing more therapy than I'm already doing, and when I am with the therapist I find it more helpful to strategize and focus on the feelings... but sometimes I wish I could just blurt out incidents to someone who cares. I can't share with my friends and family, it's too hard and it would make my family more heartbroken. I don't know why, I just want to feel less alone and get rid of all these secrets I have, because I was alone in lockdown experiencing this all year. It also feels pointless to just be gratuitous and share stories here of me being tormented and mistreated. I don't know what I want or what will help, but I keep remembering and it's so much, I wish I could forget a lot of it again.

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I like that analogy, it does feel like that. Like I'm at a safe distance and can carefully pick through the memories. I have no desire whatsoever to go back in time but I wish I could go back and whisper into my old self's ear, that I'll get out. 

I can't afford to be doing more therapy than I'm already doing, and when I am with the therapist I find it more helpful to strategize and focus on the feelings... but sometimes I wish I could just blurt out incidents to someone who cares. I can't share with my friends and family, it's too hard and it would make my family more heartbroken. I don't know why, I just want to feel less alone and get rid of all these secrets I have, because I was alone in lockdown experiencing this all year. It also feels pointless to just be gratuitous and share stories here of me being tormented and mistreated. I don't know what I want or what will help, but I keep remembering and it's so much, I wish I could forget a lot of it again.

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21 hours ago, PinkMoonlite said:

I can't afford to be doing more therapy than I'm already doing, and when I am with the therapist I find it more helpful to strategize and focus on the feelings.... I don't know why, I just want to feel less alone and get rid of all these secrets I have,  

You don't need more therapy or therapists or doctors,etc.

You need to stop steering and controlling therapy and start being honest and forthcoming in the sessions.

What is the point of going,if you are not yourself, not honest,and just putting up a facade?

No one, no group, no friends, no family, no doctors, no therapist can help you if you refuse to help yourself or refuse to accept the help you are getting.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't need more therapy or therapists or doctors,etc.

You need to stop steering and controlling therapy and start being honest and forthcoming in the sessions.

What is the point of going,if you are not yourself, not honest,and just putting up a facade?

No one, no group, no friends, no family, no doctors, no therapist can help you if you refuse to help yourself or refuse to accept the help you are getting.

I'm curious what makes you think I refuse help or steer my sessions? There is only so much you can cover in a fifty minute window and as much as I share with the therapist, I often find during the week I will remember more that wasn't on my mind before. This has been happening a lot this year, remembering things I've pushed deep into my brain and haven't thought about. 

 

14 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Any chance you could participate in a group therapy program? There might be some free ones out there. 

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable but I'll look into it and maybe try.

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I write down the things I want to discuss for each session.  Especially if something has been on my mind a lot, I want to be sure to bring it up.  I would recommend doing this so you don't get sidetracked.

I used to do that, too.

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7 hours ago, PinkMoonlite said:

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable but I'll look into it and maybe try.

It might be helpful for you to see that you’re not the only person who is facing, or has ever faced, these problems. Listening to the stories of others may help you find sympathy for yours. Even YouTube videos could help.

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17 hours ago, PinkMoonlite said:

I'm curious what makes you think I refuse help or steer my sessions? 

Agree writing in a journal and having a thought train of what is important for you to discuss would help.

You claim all the stuff you have flashbacks about are things you're too embarrassed to cover in therapy, but that is the place to discuss it.

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I see. I mean I'm often embarrassed/uncomfortable in therapy but make myself do it anyway. I have an appointment today where I'll bring up the memories I've been having. Writing points down was a good idea, I've been doing that too. 

I will say, even if this anger is uncomfortable, I'm also grateful that I got out when I did, and this feeling is definitely better than that crazy despair I was feeling only two months ago. 

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Shame and embarrassment are the big prison that we all struggle against, no matter what the issue.

I remember back when I was 15 or 16, I was in an out-patient therapy program for a bunch of issues I was going through. On top of these issues, I was wildly jealous about my boyfriend at the time. But I always bottled that jealousy up because I was ashamed of it--I didn't have trouble talking about anything else.

Well, one day, one of the other kids in the program told me that she saw my boyfriend somewhere that he wasn't 'supposed' to be. She had no reason to lie to me about it. This new, unwelcome information was too much for me to bear. My jealousy overwhelmed me and I ended up blurting it all out to my therapist. 

I absolutely hated the thought of revealing this embarrassing weakness of mine. But I was at my wit's end. 

I learned an extremely valuable lesson that day: My jealousy wasn't actually that big of a deal. As I spoke to my therapist about my shameful feelings and revealed my horrible weakness, the magnitude of my problem seemed to diminish in size.

I realized that problem was bouncing around inside of me, causing stress. Once I let it out, there were no more walls for it to smash into. It gradually diminished and eventually went away altogether. 

Edited by Jibralta
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Glad you're feeling a bit better, PinkMoonlite. This is still very fresh. Does going back to work help or take your mind off of things? 

It was probably about the 10th or 11th month of separation when I felt the fog lift quite a bit. It takes time. Keep writing if it helps. 

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