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Needing insight into new friends behaviour


Cocoapetal
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Hello

I haven't been on here in a while. First of all I have previously been in relationships where I have not been respected and I am growing more aware.

 

Few months ago, I took up exercising in the local park- its so beautiful and I like going to clear my head and think things through and be in nature.

During my jogs, I met a lady who struck up conversation, she lives locally and we struck up a friendship, she seemed lovely-

I used to go 4 x a week, but I said we could jog together on the weekends when I'm a little more relaxed about time as weekdays I'm on a routine.

Since we met, we have jogged nearly every weekend since summer.

 

Now my life is quite busy as I typically have 50-60 , hour weeks , I work from home and study full time.

My weekends are not free as that's when I do the bulk of my studying as I work in the week. I was lucky to be accepted on a program that I never thought I would be accepted on so I am really careful to keep my grades up.

 

here's the issue , I have mentioned that its not typical that I am free every weekend- In the summer I was, now I'm at school and juggling my work and deadlines Im not always available on the weekends.

 

she's married /kids and would prefer later run, 10-11am,

we compromised at 8.30am. She has given the option to work out at her place, we tried, there isn't enough space plus she had kids and she keeps going off to attend to them.

Im time conscious so I told her I prefer we stick to running. I felt like I want to protect my intention to run- I didn't make the intention to work out at someone else place. I can do this at home. I have thanked her for the invite every time she has opened her home to workouts.

 

Recently, I've had back to back deadlines and some personal issues arise which I need mental space to clear. I have met her every other week, not every week and usual and this has caused a lot of friction between us, through snarky comments and "jokes" about me being away for over a "year" . I sense suppressed anger behind these jokes and I am unsure why such anger should arise.

When we do run, she brings up a strong a heavy topic towards the end of our run, so its hard to cut off when she starts talking about something deeply personal.this extends the run by 10-20 minutes.

I once got woken at 5am and I had 10 missed calls every few minutes from 5am! This was when I sensed the shift. She then proceeded to tell me she would come and knock if I didn't answer. I called and it was just to confirm the time of our meeting.

 

I have started to feel her "pull" on me, e.g wanting to text back and forth during the week, her texts "feel" angry , one word answers if I don't constantly update. When its not an emergency, I end messages with "enjoy the rest of your day" to signal the end of conversation , especially after we've just been together for almost an hour.

I genuinely do work and study 10-12 hour days!

 

I make time to catch up with my friends every other month, im ok without daily contact from my friends.

 

I take time to let people in, I am happy to let friendship slow burn but Im feeling an anger from her- because I keep pumping the breaks.

I don't want her to introduce me to her single friends- she had hinted at a singles evening and I said I'm not ready to date so I won't attend but I hope she and her single friends have fun. The event didn't happen, which makes me think it was targeted at me.

 

Lastly, I don't feel like I should rush anyone's energy into my life. I take my time and I don't feel entitled to anyone else time or energy. I have felt a massive knot in my stomach and nausea when I think of her and this wasn't there before

Im intuitive and Im feeling something off- I find myself explaining why I cant do this or that or why I don't want to go to this event or dinner. I hate that I feel the need to explain myself. I feel pulled on. I feel a knot and a sinking feeling in my stomach when I think of her. Somethings shifted with her and I can feel it.

 

I cancelled our run for the next couple weeks as I have started working out in my own space- alone- with time to think and clear my head and reset my energy. Energetically, I feel invaded. Im thinking of fading away. Perspective please?

Edited by Cocoapetal
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Well, she is pushing her way in to your life. so it is on you to stop her.

 

A few things to keep in mind:

 

we don't owe people explanations or even excuses for why we do the things we do. your life is your business.

 

The blowing up your phone at 5am. You should have told her not to do that again. That is ridiculously disrespectful.

 

Do you think you could tell her that she is stressing you out? Or do you think it's best to go the route of the slow fade?

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Thanks for the response

sometimes struggle to figure out if I'm being avoindant or need stronger boundaries. It does feel pushy.

Thats true- I'm angry I feel the need to explain , this is a red flag for me.

 

I was angry at the 5am calls and have proceeded to silence her messages and calls since then- I didn't express my anger and I should have.

I don't think talking will work I think a slow fade might be better for this one. Thanks x

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I don't think a slow fade will work with her. She's like a barnacle and too demanding for that. I would send a final message saying that you enjoyed your friendship while it lasted, but now you no longer have the time a friendship with her would require. You can then block her number. It's up to you if you want to give her a chance to respond before doing that, but it likely won't be a pleasant one.

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I once got woken at 5am and I had 10 missed calls every few minutes from 5am! This was when I sensed the shift. She then proceeded to tell me she would come and knock if I didn't answer. I called and it was just to confirm the time of our meeting.

 

This is very entitled and rude of her.

 

It's also not normal behavior from a grown adult towards a friend. That would have been the point of no return for me.

 

I have to ask, do you sense she's into you as more than a friend?

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Agree, slow fade with someone like this is the best approach. She seems like an emotional vampire. There's no reasoning with these types.

 

Good to hear some perspective, Ive been hinting over the last few weeks about my change in schedule, but I guess she only speaks blunt. Good to hear that Im not over reacting to this as its caused me some stress.

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I don't think a slow fade will work with her. She's like a barnacle and too demanding for that. I would send a final message saying that you enjoyed your friendship while it lasted, but now you no longer have the time a friendship with her would require. You can then block her number. It's up to you if you want to give her a chance to respond before doing that, but it likely won't be a pleasant one.

 

Well I blocked as of yesterday because I wanted to focus on my work and didn't want any calls or texts coming through, we will bump into each other as we live near so I will have to unblock if only to explain my perspective .

 

Im dreading this. At first, I thought they were only a little pushy, but thinking back and I discussed this with another friend, we both agreed that she's a meddler and a fixer and probably does this to everyone else.

There are a couple of instances one where she has booked an appointment with a company on my behalf for something I casually mentioned I needed to look into , and a few of her comments and actions have put my back up and made me feel like they're looking to fix me.

 

 

Surprised she has as much energy to give to me with her kids/husband. I have sometimes been the one to say won't you want to be spending time with your family on the weekend?

 

I suspect that she's lonely and maybe depressed, she's said nothing outright, but has hinted at feeling lonely and unfulfilled. I have listened as a friend would but I felt things got intense too fast with her wanting to extend our contact beyond the run.

 

I don't mind, but I told her Im the type to take things slow so lets see. She's bulldozed her way in, sometimes texting me to ask a question when we said goodbye less than an hour ago.

 

Even when we have worked out at her place, I told her I felt uncomfortable as the kids clearly wanted to spend time with their mom on Saturday morning and woke up to a stranger in their house. I felt like was invading private family time. I said id rather stick to running outside.

 

I don't even spend 2 hours a week one on one with my favourite family members so the time I have given has been expensive for me. I am angry that they now feel entitled and im getting anger and hostility because I can't keep giving this time.

 

My other friends- I only have a few- don't demand of me, some I speak to once every couple of months and there is no hint of hostility, we simply pick up where we left off- and we catch up on each others lives and cheer each other on. I like that. I don't do enmeshed.

 

The blocking will eventually be permanent but I'm mentally gearing up for when we might meet locally or even on one of my runs and the thought of interacting again makes me feel physically sick.

Edited by Cocoapetal
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This is very entitled and rude of her.

 

It's also not normal behavior from a grown adult towards a friend. That would have been the point of no return for me.

 

I have to ask, do you sense she's into you as more than a friend?

 

I don't get that sense of more and certainly hope that wasn't her agenda. she's older than me more than 5 years and married with kids. I did meet her husband once briefly when we ran, but she never spoke about their relationship and I never asked- its not my business.

 

what I do get is she is used to fixing people as works in a caring profession and maybe because they opened their doors of their home to me, she thought I would rush in, I think she's used to being depended on and controlling things. I can't really tell.

 

I on the other hand am learning to trust my intuition again and sometimes I get confused if I'm being avoidant because of the aftermath of being in unhealthy relationships or I am genuinely picking up that this person cannot be trusted.

 

I do not like that when I did explain - 4 times- that my schedule has changed- I've been met with simmering anger and hostility, and when I have tried to keep contact short, they have contacted me every few days, as if to keep me hooked in.

 

The phonecalls were not normal, I didn't really know how to respond, I just remember feeling angry.

 

They never wanted conversations to finish, texts were always questions, unless I said, " I'm off now, enjoy the rest of your day".

 

If a friend had a change in schedule, ill keep it moving and hope for reconnection at a later time, some of my friends are super busy and we only see physically a few times a year and we enjoy it and make the most of it- no drama, no hostility.

I'm enjoying working out at home, but I've been avoiding the park now which is a shame.

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I would stick to the goodbye text I mentioned instead of temporarily blocking. Rip the band-aid off now, and eventually the wound will scab over.

 

You say since she likes to jog later at 10, why would she go earlier, your time preference without you? You could stick to your earlier jogging schedule. If you do happen to see her, give her a pleasant wave. If she ignores you or has any other toxic response, oh well. With time, the awkwardness and sick-to-your-stomach feeling should fade.

 

I have a toxic co-worker who has clashed with many at work, including me, and we don't speak to each other. It gets easier and easier for me to ignore him. You just adjust.

 

I just utilized a boundary with one of my friends today. She'd begun texting me daily religious passages without asking me if I wanted to receive them. It's taken me months to finally let her know, in a kind and simple way, that I no longer wish to receive them. We never want to hurt another's feelings, but we only have one life to live and must choose what's best for our own happiness. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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I too wish you luck. I switched to total outdoor daily workouts at the park from my building's fitness room because of covid. I live down the block, it's a beautiful park with a jogging path. I am on an extremely tight schedule for when I can work out (has to be early morning) - it's essential to me and I do it daily and I love it. I am also a friendly and extroverted person so when, twice, I was approached to be a sort of workout partner (I speed walk -but almost a run -and do some core/stretch exercise along the way and after, briefly) - I had a hard time saying no but I did. I want to be accountable to no one, wait for no one and have no risk that another person will hamper my opportunity to workout daily -it's my thing and I also love just being in the zone, listening to NPR or a radio program etc

 

 

My point is that it was hard for me to say no -the first was an older neighbor who wanted to lean on me for motivation to work out and the second was a woman from my neighborhood who is supposed to meet me in person when covid is over (we met on a moms group, have many mutual friends and acquaintances) -she asked if she could come meet me at sunrise one morning if she can get away for a 'nice walk" - but, I speed walk, I won't slow down for anyone, and her life is chaotic so I know she wouldn't be timely even with the best of intentions. I was actually very straightforward with her about how it is my "me time" and my time restrictions and offered her an alternative of meeting for a regular walk in the park at another time of day (no response).

 

It's hard to assert boundaries - right now you have to - this specific person is acting in a bizarre way and it's time to end the interaction. I would sort of understand if you stood her up or acted flaky but it sounds like you told her in advance that your schedule had changed. Good luck!!

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Thanks Batyaa 33 and Adrina

So I sent an "opening" text just re-iterating that the next few weeks are packed and I'm behind a few important issues hence the change to my schedule and maybe in January we can visit the restaurant that she suggested and reconnect, and I just got an emoji in response, which I've learnt she does when angry.

So I decided not to give her the respect of trying to salvage our friendship since she sees me as someone to be used for her gratification and a workout buddy who HAS to be there at her beck and call. I will not engage in uneven friendships or relationships and I will not engage with people who feel entitled to my time.

I feel better about accidentally bumping into her in the park- its on her how she feels if and when that happens.

I have the freedom to choose and im choosing that she is out of my life. I was in knots about it last week but I figured she's not worth it. 

 In this case someone who wanted to build a real friendship will not require that I inconvenience myself or jeopardise my studies to fit them, so I have not lost a thing.

On the other hand, a friend who I have not seen in over a year and we've kept in touch via text here and there, is driving down to see me on the weekend and im looking forward to catching up. I guess I've learnt my frienship style will not be every body's but that doesn't mean I don't care or that I am a bad friend

 

 

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On 12/5/2020 at 9:36 PM, Cocoapetal said:

Thanks for the response

sometimes struggle to figure out if I'm being avoindant or need stronger boundaries. It does feel pushy.

Thats true- I'm angry I feel the need to explain , this is a red flag for me.

 

I was angry at the 5am calls and have proceeded to silence her messages and calls since then- I didn't express my anger and I should have.

I don't think talking will work I think a slow fade might be better for this one. Thanks x

You are right to feel as you do.  She is overstepping a lot of boundaries.   I think you should cut all interaction with this woman.

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Yikes.  I'm reminded of new female friendships I had to extricate myself from years ago, around age 50.  In the beginning it seemed fun but over time both women (I knew separately) turned out to be pushy, hostile, competitive, angered easily and felt entitled to my time on their terms.  I confronted one very diplomatically and calmly when she was being ridiculously hostile during what was supposed to be a fun, out of town trip.  Big mistake, she freaked out.  That was the last straw.  I incorporated the slow fade with both women, initially afraid of running into them as we live within a couple miles of each other.  I no longer speak to either, at least one (or both) likely has a borderline personality disorder.  

Meeting through a social circle, I was befriended by another woman who was very friendly but very clingy, declaring that we were "friends" right away and then would proceed to guilt trip me, e.g. "I guess we're friends although I never get to see you".  She liked to tell me occasionally where I stood in her friends hierarchy, "inner circle" or "outer circle".  I later realized she had few - if any -  friends and it was a way to manipulate me.  Ugh.  Somehow I have stayed in loose touch with her but she recently told me I was her "oldest" friend.  We are both turning 60 and we became "friendly" maybe 7 years ago.  I literally see her in person once, twice a year if that.  Something tells me that someday I'll have to slow fade from her as well.

Still single but with a boyfriend for the last 5 years, at this point I've learned that it's OK to be open and friendly but also to proceed with caution when forming new female friendships.  I will likely no longer confront a newish "friend" if/when things turn icky, in my experience, it isn't worth it.  Best to just slink away and disappear. 

I agree you should cut ties with this woman.  She sounds very unpleasant and inappropriate.  Who needs that kind of stress?  

Good luck!  

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/16/2020 at 2:34 AM, rapunzel said:

Yikes.  I'm reminded of new female friendships I had to extricate myself from years ago, around age 50.  In the beginning it seemed fun but over time both women (I knew separately) turned out to be pushy, hostile, competitive, angered easily and felt entitled to my time on their terms.  I confronted one very diplomatically and calmly when she was being ridiculously hostile during what was supposed to be a fun, out of town trip.  Big mistake, she freaked out.  That was the last straw.  I incorporated the slow fade with both women, initially afraid of running into them as we live within a couple miles of each other.  I no longer speak to either, at least one (or both) likely has a borderline personality disorder.  

Meeting through a social circle, I was befriended by another woman who was very friendly but very clingy, declaring that we were "friends" right away and then would proceed to guilt trip me, e.g. "I guess we're friends although I never get to see you".  She liked to tell me occasionally where I stood in her friends hierarchy, "inner circle" or "outer circle".  I later realized she had few - if any -  friends and it was a way to manipulate me.  Ugh.  Somehow I have stayed in loose touch with her but she recently told me I was her "oldest" friend.  We are both turning 60 and we became "friendly" maybe 7 years ago.  I literally see her in person once, twice a year if that.  Something tells me that someday I'll have to slow fade from her as well.

Still single but with a boyfriend for the last 5 years, at this point I've learned that it's OK to be open and friendly but also to proceed with caution when forming new female friendships.  I will likely no longer confront a newish "friend" if/when things turn icky, in my experience, it isn't worth it.  Best to just slink away and disappear. 

I agree you should cut ties with this woman.  She sounds very unpleasant and inappropriate.  Who needs that kind of stress?  

Good luck!  

 

Thanks for the above. Ive also found in my experience that people who want to take friendship from 0-100  and instantly cling, without vetting you often have an ulterior motive. Im slinking away as suggested.

I did get a text to come out for a christmas walk.. after sending a general merry xmas to my contact list. I had to decline because I will be with family and I told her to enjoy her family time. I think she defintiely has issues.

I went out for my first run yesterday and second today and i had a little knot in my belly and scared to bump into them but i ran away and i will again tommorow.

I think some poeple just choose to see things from their own perspective.

 

I hope you have had a great Xmas

xx

 

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