Married but doesn’t feel like it

[Nonamemrs]

Hello dear ones,

 

Thou we don’t know each other, I’m grateful we have this very unbiased portal to share our thoughts.

 

Here’s my story and I’ll try to make it short.

I just got married to my amazing boyfriend 3 weeks ago at city hall of our country. It costed like $50 and that’s all. We went for dinner just the 2 of us that night to celebrate and that’s it. I’m glad we could blame the covid 19 situation for not being able to have the smallest get together with friends, the truth is we couldn’t afford it. I’m in my late 30’s. Have worked all my life to support my siblings and pay their university costs until they just graduated, which left me with no savings and as soon as they got out of my university, found jobs to support themselves; which we feel blessed about.

My husband on the other hand has a simple job and is very underpaid thou he is such a smart guy logical educated and heart of gold. My business is struggling so he is the sole bread winner for now until I Can help him again.

 

All this said, I always thought weddings can also mean wearing a ring but he clearly couldn’t afford it. He was married before and has a house with his ex wife (no kids) and when they divorced 2 years ago it isn’t still sure if she will pay him his share if she ever decides to sell it. They are great friends thank god.

 

I still dream of the day I can wear a simple wedding dress, have a ring; is it wrong for me to think this way? I’ve always imagined it. I’m always very nice to my husband and he knows how I feel but poor guy isn’t able to do anything about it for the moment.

 

How can I calm myself and stop thinking pity on myself and god forbid sabotage our wonderful relationship?

Thank you in advance.

[Batya33]

I loved my wedding -we had 10 people -nothing to do with covid. I'd planned a large party many years ago then canceled the engagement. When I married my husband said we totally could have a big party later (I was pregnant, we were thrilled!) - but I didn't want one. It sounds like you want the party and the ring - so why not save up and have your party in the future -do a vow renewal? If your boyfriend is amazing then you felt that way despite him not having an amazing amount of money -what changed? Can you buy yourself a ring and have your husband involved in selecting it? Maybe upgrade in the future?

 

Do you respect and admire your husband's choices to take a simple job where he is underpaid? I am not judging it in the least -he may have his reasons and those are reasons that you may or may not respect. Does he respect that you have a business that is struggling? Does he respect your financial choices? What did you discuss before marriage about finances?

 

Your feelings are your feelings - you get to choose how to react. I've made some suggestions about what choices/acts are options now. Congratulations on your marriage -my wedding anniversary is next week!!

[Seraphim]

Congratulations! It is not bad to want something nice. When you can celebrate do that. 😊

[Jibralta]

How can I calm myself and stop thinking pity on myself and god forbid sabotage our wonderful relationship?

 

Sometimes it seems like life will always be the way it is right now. But the truth is, circumstances change. Sometimes they change slowly; other times they change suddenly.

 

To protect yourself from dwelling in self pity, actively find things in your life to be grateful for. Even small things, like a warm, dry sock on a rainy day. Try not to take the good things for granted. For example, you have a wonderful relationship--that is very, very valuable.

 

In the past, you made enough money to support yourself and your siblings. That can happen again. It's also possible for your husband to find a better job.

 

So, stay optimistic. If you allow yourself to get bitter about this at all, it will ruin that simple wedding dress and ring when you finally do attain them.

[Andrina]

A financial advisor would've suggested you put money into a retirement fund and have enough savings to live off of for 8 months. A student can get loans. Because you can't borrow money for retirement and if you haven't invested by now, you will likely have to work until you die if you don't start contributing in a major way. Most new businesses fail. How long will you give your business before deciding maybe you should seek other employment?

 

It's good to have a kind heart and want to help when you can, but putting yourself in financial straits to do that wasn't in your best interests. You can't turn back the clock now, but since you helped all your siblings, why not ask them if they could each contribute an amount to buy you a ring and dress? There's no reason a woman without children should be allowed to enjoy all the assets from a marriage in the family home. Why not talk to your husband about getting the house sold? His leaving it up to his ex is being a doormat. The money might give you both at least a nest egg to rely on when needed.

 

You both sound way too passive for your own good, always ensuring others successes and comfort, while neglecting your own.

[boltnrun]

Do you feel like you're not married, as in your marriage isn't good? Or are you just wanting a ceremony with a fancy dress and a big party?

 

The wedding isn't the marriage. Try to remember that.

[goddess]

Sometimes it seems like life will always be the way it is right now. But the truth is, circumstances change. Sometimes they change slowly; other times they change suddenly.

 

To protect yourself from dwelling in self pity, actively find things in your life to be grateful for. Even small things, like a warm, dry sock on a rainy day. Try not to take the good things for granted. For example, you have a wonderful relationship--that is very, very valuable.

 

In the past, you made enough money to support yourself and your siblings. That can happen again. It's also possible for your husband to find a better job.

 

So, stay optimistic. If you allow yourself to get bitter about this at all, it will ruin that simple wedding dress and ring when you finally do attain them.

 

"...you have a wonderful relationship--that is very, very valuable."

 

It's not wrong to want a simple dress and a ring. As little girls, we've all dreamt of a wonderful wedding. Be patient, and one day that will happen. And, when that happens you will have the wedding of your dreams.

 

Lastly, congratulations!

[Capricorn3]

Remind yourself that a wedding dress and a ring doesn't make a marriage. Your marriage is what you (you and your husband) make it. Not a dress, a ring, or a big party.

 

When things are safer after Covid, celebrate with your family/friends. When times get better with the finances, then perhaps you can get a ring.

[Tinydance]

Do you mind me asking, why did you have to pay for all your siblings' university fees? Were you an orphan and had to take on the mother role? I know this may come across the wrong way because how you feel is definitely valid. You are very lucky that you got married and have a husband who loves you and you love him. I'm nearly 36 years old and I always wanted to get married so much, but it hasn't happened for me (yet anyway). I would like a nice wedding too, but I think the main thing is to find someone you can imagine spending the rest of your life with. And you've found that, which is great! It's definitely not easy to find the right person. Especially in this day and age of all the superficial social media and online dating. I've always struggled to find someone who is the right person and wants marriage and kids like I do.

 

I think that a nice wedding doesn't mean an expensive one. You could still buy a pretty wedding dress in a second hand charity shop. I follow a thrift shop Facebook group and I saw many women posting there who got their wedding dress second hand. The dresses looked lovely and you wouldn't even know they were second hand. Keep in mind that most wedding dresses would have been worn only once. So second hand wedding dresses are basically like new.

 

Your husband could still buy you a nice ring you like that's silver or something like that. Or keep saving for a ring you really want. As a celebration you could throw something at your house or someone else's house to save money on venue costs. Just cook some nice food yourself and ask everyone to bring a plate to share. Decorate with balloons, streamers, flowers from the garden and things like that, which you can buy cheaply from the supermarket or a bargain store. Maybe just brainstorm some creative ways that you could still have a wedding celebration. You don't always have to spend a fortune to have a nice and special day. Besides, people usually give gifts to newly-weds and you could just ask your friends and family to give you money. If you supported your siblings financially, now they're working can they chip in? After all they owe their education to you.

 

My parents actually were very poor when they got married. My Mum was only 20 and Dad 22 and they lived in communist Eastern Europe. My Mum sewed her own dress which was quite plain. She sewed it from blue material so she could keep wearing it as a normal dress afterwards to save money. My parents have actually been married for 38 years. So as you can see not having a fancy wedding doesn't mean your marriage won't last.

 

Also I forgot to say, congratulations on your marriage! All the best!

[Batya33]

I always maintain that the wedding reception is not the wedding. The wedding is the ceremony, the exchange of vows. Nothing to do with the wedding reception. I don't relate to conflating the two as in "I want a nice wedding" - I know too many people who plan and put far more thought into the reception than the wedding/marriage.

[Wiseman2]

You may want to consider having the marriage annulled since now you found out he's infertile and do not want to have a sperm donor or adopt or anything and you're angry because you wanted biological children.