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After 1,5 months she wants to take things (very) slow - heartbroken


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So I (35M) met a very nice girl on Tinder 1,5 months ago. We already knew each other from over 10 years ago but have not talked since we were younger. Our conversation was awesome from the very beginning, she initiated conversations, shared pictures of her daily life etc. After the first date she said she definately wanted to meet again and so we did. I spent a evening and night with her (no sex) and it was wonderful, I actually think I let myself fall in love with her at that point.

 

I thought we were moving in a good direction but I started to get other thoughts very soon. After I spent night at her house, I noticed she did not initiate any conversation anymore on WA but she replied to me anyway. I asked her out to a restaurant and we agreed to meet in a few weeks time (before christmas). Because I had a gut feeling that something was wrong, I also asked how she felt about us right now. She said she has had very nice time with me but it is too soon to say where we are heading as couple and wants to take things slow. I was somehow devasted because I had misread the situation so badly and let my guards down too soon and my heart was again taking a hit.

 

I never knew it was possible to get hurt after such a extremely short period of time but here we are. What is interesting that we have not even separeted our ways (officially) but I still kinda FEEL she ended things there.

 

My head is a complete mess now. We have not talked for a couple days (never went this many days without contact before) and we still have booked a date in a few weeks time.

 

What should I do? Should I totally forget about her or maybe be there for her and text her every now and then? I also fear that I will grow resentment and that would destroy everything.

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What lead up to spending the night......was she perhaps looking for sex or more affection from you than what she got? It sounds like she has been driving the bus pursuing quite heavily while you've just been coasting along....so maybe step up a bit. She might be unsure of your interest or thinking you are flat out not interested.

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I personally think it's too soon to be asking someone where they think you two are heading after the second date if that's correct. Sure, you can ask what are they looking for the long term but not necessarily with you two. I would pull back the breaks a bit. Be clear what you are looking for long term (not exactly with her) and if she doesn't like that or gets weirded out - she ain't for you.

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I think she did not want to have sex but was looking for just affection which was totally fine with me. I could be wrong of course. We cuddled a ton though.

 

While I asked how she feels, I first told her I really like her and I would be pretty much ready to go exclusive down the road but she was not feeling that. I kinda blame myself but I am not sure what I did wrong. I was bit anxious during date so that might be the reason..

 

At the same time the insecure part of me thinks she might have found someone else interesting (we do live in Tinder-era and these things happen) and I was dropped back of the que.

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She obviously could feel you being way overly invested more then herself in this. Back off, be kool, aloof, shut it down. To be desirable, is to be less desirable, and that means less available physically and emotionally. Believe it or not this will be more attractive to her.

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So in 6 weeks, you've only met up 2 times? That's already slow. People who are into each other at the beginning usually plan once or twice a week get togethers. Why hasn't this happened? When you suggested the restaurant, who suggested 2 weeks out?

 

You're not falling in love. It's infatuation. It's always best to keep a wait-and-see attitude, because you've barely scratched the surface of who this other person is.

 

We're missing info, here. We don't know her side of the story, and you might not be self-aware of behavior that might be off-putting to her. Maybe you were too hung-ho and gushing. Maybe you treated her as a buddy and she wants someone more romantic. When she says "taking it slow" maybe she's just being realistic, as she should be, that she doesn't know and is still learning more about you before she decides if she wants to continue and be exclusive, as she should be.

 

She is probably in tune with your reaction of negative energy, which is really too intense at only 6 weeks in and 2 dates. Perhaps warning bells are dinging in her head, and rightfully so. And she might've sensed this possibility from you earlier, or other inappropriate thoughts and feelings at this stage, and is putting on the brakes.

 

I think your behavior is more concerning than hers.

 

You don't have to talk about "feelings" at this stage. The wise thing to do is to put a normal amount of effort into the beginning stages of dating and see if the person reciprocates. When you find a good match, you'll feel satisfied and not upset. Be mindful of your own efforts, not letting them be over the top, nor too little. If you don't know what that would be, talk to guy friends who are in successful relationships, or read online articles about successful dating.

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Why haven't you been in contact for a few days? Because she hasn't replied to you, or because you've been waiting, increasingly anxious, for her to reach out? Granted, I'm just observing from the sidelines, but I don't understand why you wouldn't say hi, ask how she's been, propose a few dates for that dinner. That's what you'd like, no? Only way to understand if that is a remotely shared interest is to own it.

 

This level of anxiety over someone you've spent a few blinks with is a touch concerning. Falling in love after two dates? Spinning out a few days later? Needing a feelings/relationship chat so soon? Interpreting something pretty positive and mature from her—she has a nice time with you, wants to let it develop a bit—as the apocalypse? Hard not to see that level of hypersensitivity as something of a preexisting condition in you, rather than something triggered by the subtlest shift in her enthusiasm.

 

As others have noted, it can be pretty spooky when a stranger's thirst runneth over the cup, so to speak. People just want to be people, seen as people, explored as people, not as emotional thirst quenchers. Dial it back a bit, reach out with a simple hello. At this stage there really is no response—including no response—that should capsize you.

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Why not ask to have a date before this long? That may clear up level of interest more than awkward questions or messaging tempo.

 

Was anything awkward discussed on the first date? Why was there a sexless sleep over? That seems like too fast, too much. Offer to go Out on a date and much sooner than in a few weeks.

I asked her out to a restaurant and we agreed to meet in a few weeks time (before christmas).
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Thanks, I actually told her that I was looking for something real and long lasting when I made Tinder-profile.

 

Point taken, it was just second date and I would also say it was too soon but changes in her actions (communication) made me a bit anxious and because I let my feelings to develop too soon, I felt the urge to ask her. If there was no changes how she communicates, I would not have asked about that.

 

However, I kinda feel trapped in a limbo right now. Should I be the one to initiate convo or should the dust settle first a bit? Maybe let her do the texting first?

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It sounds like she likes you but doesn't want to feel pressured. All very frustrating for someone who's fallen hard and fast.

 

My take? You both have different personalities but I don't think there's lost chemistry there. If anything she sounds confused and unsure of herself. She may not even know what she wants except the validation of knowing someone else likes her. It may not be you.

 

Actually it really does not sound like you're the problem.

 

Slow it down a bit (for yourself), take stock of the situation and take a look at her. If she seems unsure, she probably is.

 

Do you want to be with an unsure person or someone insecure or blows hot and cold?

 

Maybe... maybe not. Whatever floats your boat but take a good look at her.

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So in 6 weeks, you've only met up 2 times? That's already slow. People who are into each other at the beginning usually plan once or twice a week get togethers. Why hasn't this happened? When you suggested the restaurant, who suggested 2 weeks out?

 

You're not falling in love. It's infatuation. It's always best to keep a wait-and-see attitude, because you've barely scratched the surface of who this other person is.

 

We're missing info, here. We don't know her side of the story, and you might not be self-aware of behavior that might be off-putting to her. Maybe you were too hung-ho and gushing. Maybe you treated her as a buddy and she wants someone more romantic. When she says "taking it slow" maybe she's just being realistic, as she should be, that she doesn't know and is still learning more about you before she decides if she wants to continue and be exclusive, as she should be.

 

She is probably in tune with your reaction of negative energy, which is really too intense at only 6 weeks in and 2 dates. Perhaps warning bells are dinging in her head, and rightfully so. And she might've sensed this possibility from you earlier, or other inappropriate thoughts and feelings at this stage, and is putting on the brakes.

 

I think your behavior is more concerning than hers.

 

You don't have to talk about "feelings" at this stage. The wise thing to do is to put a normal amount of effort into the beginning stages of dating and see if the person reciprocates. When you find a good match, you'll feel satisfied and not upset. Be mindful of your own efforts, not letting them be over the top, nor too little. If you don't know what that would be, talk to guy friends who are in successful relationships, or read online articles about successful dating.

 

I agree it is slow what comes to meeting each other but we live in different cities and corona makes everything so much more difficult albeit not impossible. She said she is super busy right now (she will meet her parents and some friends) but would be able make it in 2 weeks if it is ok to me.

 

I think your reply is valuable and I try to keep advice in my mind now and in a future. I guess in general finding a right balance of doing just right (not too much, not too little) can be a very challenging if there is a distance between parties and you dont get many chances anyway. I don´t blame her, she probably did and said what was best for her. I just sensed that something was off and I tried to get a clue where we are.

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What is your relationship history? How many relationships have you been in previously?

 

I took a long break from relationships because I wanted to focus on me (personal growth and finding who I really was) as well as focus on career. It has been 5 years since I had longer relationship but I totally feel first time in my life that I am in a place in my life where I could start family. However, I have always suffered from anxiety which is not good when you try to meet new people and establish romantic feelings. I usually manage to keep these lingering feelings very well in check but maybe this time it got better off me.

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Why are you on Tinder?

 

If you're looking to start a relationship, I don't think Tinder is the app for this. Its more of a hook up site. of course hook ups can and do lead to relationships. however, I think most on tinder do not intend for that to happen.

 

Here is what I would do... if you like this woman and are willing to roll the dice with your heart.

 

Slow down. Get out of your own way. Get on some other apps. Date more people. let this go for a bit....

 

when some time has passed and the xmas date plan gets closer. be very chill and positive call her. yes. pick up the phone. call her and say something light and chipper like, I hope you haven't forgotten our Christmas date, I haven't. what time can you meet?

 

You must change the dynamic. right now she's smelling your desperation. And its a turn off. Remove yourself for awhile and then come back with your confidence intact. Start again. don't push the relationship.... let her warm up to it. until then, you stay cool and focused on other women.

 

You never know, you could meet someone better and its her loss. You must think this way... she is. she is thinking she can do better. no offense... she's just not willing to be exclusive.

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It's fine to have long term as a goal. I know I always did. But know that your mindset at the beginning should be just that you're enjoying a good meal with a beautiful woman and do not project to the future. Make your goal be learning about an interesting new person. Enjoy their company. Share interesting info about your own life. Why you chose your career. If you have siblings. If you have pets. Safe topics.

 

Perhaps you will feel less anxious when you're not projecting about if this will end up being your one and only. I'm assuming you would relax more, having your only goal as being present for another, enjoying precious leisure time away from work.

 

You don't need to start considering if the person is a good match for long term until it actually gets past the honeymoon stage and enters the next level, if everything goes well.

 

Even if you don't speak what's on your mind, many women are very intuitive and can sense what you're feeling and thinking. If you're just thinking about enjoying her company, she'll feel good about that vibe. If you're thinking, "This is the potential mother of my children." Yeah, she's going to be freaked out when she barely knows you.

 

I made some of the same mistakes as you when my first marriage ended. In the end, when I look back, the men I scared away wouldn't have been right for me in other ways, anyway. Just letting you know that we're all human and make mistakes, but if we learn from them, we'll one day get it right. I know I did and found a keeper. Good luck.

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I think your anxieties did get the best of you and you want to make sure you remind yourself that early on dating should be fun so be fun and relaxed.

If there's a lot of question marks or anxieties early on, it's not a good sign and not a good look.

 

I can be wrong but I always thought tinder was more of a hook-up app. Do you know if she is also looking for a serious relationship?

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It sounds like she likes you but doesn't want to feel pressured. All very frustrating for someone who's fallen hard and fast.

 

My take? You both have different personalities but I don't think there's lost chemistry there. If anything she sounds confused and unsure of herself. She may not even know what she wants except the validation of knowing someone else likes her. It may not be you.

 

Actually it really does not sound like you're the problem.

 

Slow it down a bit (for yourself), take stock of the situation and take a look at her. If she seems unsure, she probably is.

 

Do you want to be with an unsure person or someone insecure or blows hot and cold?

 

Maybe... maybe not. Whatever floats your boat but take a good look at her.

 

I think you are spot on. She surely is unsure of many things, maybe about herself too. She is divorced after 8 years of marriage and has been single for roughly for 1,5 years now. She told me she was very unhappy with her marriage and maybe lost herself a bit. But we do have chemistry here but I am afraid the major obstacle is the timing - I am ready for relationship (in general) and maybe she is not, at least not for now. I try to keep my head in check but to be honest, this is not typical Tinder-match which is easy to dump and forget (I try to answer that in another post).

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How did you know each other from before? Did you work or go to school together?

 

I should have been more clear about this in my previous posts.

 

We lived in a same city about 15 years ago. We met at a bar like many youngsters did back then :p we spent a night together few times but kept it casual otherwise. I think she was more into me than I was into her back then. We both moved to different cities and lived our lives, but during these years she sometimes reached out to me and asked how I was doing in my life and if I still remember her. I believe she cared about me but not sure if those feelings were romantical. She came to my mind briefly at some point in my life but I learned she was married so I totally forgot about her for many years until we randomly matched on Tinder recently (she superliked me if it matters).

 

I guess because of this odd history we have, it kinda put my mind and feelings on rollercoaster. She definately is not just random Tinder-match and made me childlessly wonder if this was meant to be? Yeah, I have always been bit naive but what can you do.

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She has some good points with holidays, covid different cities,etc.

 

Take it slowly, pace yourself, keep up some momentum but not all of it.

 

It's difficult in this case to avoid the feeling of let's pick it up where we left off.

 

However with so much time and life in between, you'll have to reacquaint yourselves.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think after receiving so many good advices it is worth to give a short follow up.

We finally met up for a long dinner which went great. She kissed me after date and said she wanted to meet me again.

So today, couple days after our date, I asked her if she was available after christmas for a next date. I actually got semi-ghosted for a day (she was online but ignored my message, she usually replies very fast) which kinda got me surprised given how we ended our last date. To be honest, I got a bad feeling of this ”semi-ghosting”.

She finally texted me and told me she had a great time with me but at the moment her feelings are more likely friendly, not romantic. She also added that after her divorce she has not experienced infatuated with anyone so she´s not sure what she is actually expecting feelings wise right now in general. To make things more complex, she said she would be probably available after christmas.

I thanked her for clearing things up and told her I do care about her but I also respect her view on us. I also told her we can move on with friendly terms. I kinda ignored about making any plans for dates after hearing all of this. 

I am not going to lie but all of this stung like a hell while I was somehow expecting this. While I think our story is facing the end, her words were so open ended, I can´t help but believe I will hear from her sometimes in a future, or not.

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5 hours ago, BackToYou said:

She finally texted me and told me she had a great time with me but at the moment her feelings are more likely friendly, not romantic. 

Sorry this happened. At least she was forthcoming about it.

All you can do now is step back from this friendzone thing. If she contacts you fine, but pursue other things.

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