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Why would an ex who broke up with you want to continue catching up?


minute_perception

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You can find my posts about the situation with him and me. He ended things with me a few weeks ago. We caught up again recently, went to the beach with each other, he enjoyed it. I went back to his for a cup of tea and we spoke about things, he said it's the best decision for right now. Although he isn’t fully confident he’s doing the right thing. Maybe in a years time, things will feel more right with each other. I think maybe because he feels I'm still quite immature, I'm 25 and he's 34. He said that he told his mother we broke up and she got really angry. Something was quite odd, he told me his friend (who I know) broke up with his girlfriend but they’re back together. I left and he said let's catch up again next week. I don't think it's because he wants to continue having sex with me, if anything, he isn't reciprocating a lot of affection besides a hug. Still compliments me as much, however. He told me he isn't looking to date other people and hasn't been on dates. He isn't on dating apps either.

 

Genuinely a good guy and trust his loyalty despite us not being together. I get the feeling right person, wrong time. Just seems weird to want to continue catching up with someone?

 

 

Why?

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Unfortunately when someone breaks up with you, they are not "loyal to you".

 

You want to keep contact in the hope he changes his mind.

 

Good point. Sorry, what do you mean by I want to keep contact in the hope he changes his mind? As in, no contact probably wouldn't work or I'm doing that in hopes he changes his mind?

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Good point. Sorry, what do you mean by I want to keep contact in the hope he changes his mind? As in, no contact probably wouldn't work or I'm doing that in hopes he changes his mind?

 

He is seeing you cause it's fun, it's flattering and when it's convenient for him. No contact will work for you to move on. Nothing at all to do with him -he doesn't want what you want, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. One year from now is the same as saying ten years from now -it's vague and he doesn't care if in the next year or the next month someone snaps you up and he misses his opportunity to be with you. Because he's not that into you. But he's into you enough to hang out and hook up and "catch up" when he's bored or needs the ego boost. If he were the right person wrong time -then, with rare exception -he wouldn't want to make a bad impression on you now by hanging out and hooking up and using empty words about getting back together -he'd restrain himself and tell you - he cannot be with you right now, he hopes you are still available when he is ready and understands the huge risk he is taking by walking away but he wants to leave things on good terms so in the future perhaps you two will meet again.

 

Don't you have better ways to spend your time? Many are celebrating holidays this month and are hungry, fear being evicted - if you have time to hang with him perhaps you have time to help people -I don't know - wrap gifts or box food/supplies for people in need? Just a thought. Good luck!

 

P.S. -I married my ex. I can tell you that had we strung each other along (I was the one who ended things mostly, I was the one who wanted him back within a week or so - he said no -he said he was worried that it would be the same issues all over again after a honeymoon period - so we had very limited contact for almost 8 years. When we got back together yes we had "baggage" from breaking up but we hadn't done the back and forth stuff which meant we didn't have leftover uncertainty and resentment that almost always occurs with back and forth -we had enough trust to start fresh.). Oh and we always were commited and loving and never had to have silly conversations about labels and what they meant -we just weren't right for each other then. We were right 7 or so years later when we were in our late 30s).

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A guy that is wishy washy about you is NOT A GOOD GUY!

 

I'm so sick of everyone saying their ex is such a good person. I'm not saying they're murders. but what actually makes a person a good one?

 

To me, a good person:

 

has integrity, thinks of others first, puts others feelings above their own selfish needs, especially in the romance department. A good person does not lead another on.

 

A good person recognizes they are unsure of their own feelings and therefore, doesn't confuse another person and hold them back from being with someone else.

 

You are not immature. He is.

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He knows how crazy you are about him and how badly you want him back. It flatters him to see how eager you are to be around him. And you are being physically affectionate with him? Even more flattering to his ego.

 

You see this as proof he still wants to be with you and that he's "loyal" to you. You think he isn't pursuing other women for some reason. I think you will be painfully surprised when he stops wanting to "catch up" because the new woman he's dating isn't comfortable with him hanging out with an ex who's physically affectionate with him.

 

I wouldn't continue to meet up and have sexual contact any longer. It's important to do what's in your own best interest.

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Do you feel good meeting up with him? Or is it unsettling?

 

If it's unsettling you probably already know the reason why. It's not easy to transition exes to friends but it's usually best done with a good chunk of time apart. If you still have feelings for him, don't continue meeting up.

 

If you think he's genuine or a kind person, he probably is. I believe that. It doesn't mean he wants to be with you romantically or sees his future with you. That's the difference.

 

The bits about his mother and other people seem like casual conversation but it's him warring with himself and maybe feeling some guilt. He still doesn't want to be with you.

 

You might feel better distancing yourself for awhile, smile for the good memories and look to your own bright future (without this person). There is no reason to be angry or bitter. Just work through your own post-break up emotions and confusion. He's no longer part of your life the same way so treat it that way. It doesn't mean he's a bad person.

 

Onwards.

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he said it's the best decision

 

"He said that he told his mother we broke up and she got really angry. Something was quite odd, he told me his friend (who I know) broke up with his girlfriend but they’re back together. I left and he said let's catch up again next week." This is so he can groom you to have ex sex without feeling like a bad guy cuz he told you it was the best decision to break up.

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It appears that you're trying to convince yourself these are signs of him wanting to get back together, AKA denial. Where in reality, the simple truth is, if he wanted to be with you he'd never take the risk of losing you.

 

I'd start by refusing to be demoted, while setting the bar higher. In short, it's a case of either pay now, or pay later.

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Girl, is the same guy you keep posting about? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564673

 

You need to set the bar a tad higher, and stop acting like this is a good dude smh

 

Take some time and space to yourself and sort yourself out. There are good men out there and the more time you waste on this loser, your chances get slimmer.

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My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, it's hard to not view someone we love as one who's self centered enough to want our comforts even as they intend to move away from us.

 

So? Do you want to provide the comfort HE wants to move on from you?

 

I'd raise my bar. I'd tell Romeo that I adore him, and he knows that, but that's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another.

 

If he ever recognizes that he wants the same commitment that I want with one another, he can let me know. Otherwise. I wish him the best, but he's on his own. I deserve his respect in my own healing.

 

If you believe that catering to the whims of someone who breaks up with you will make him see the light, I'm sorry to tell ou that the opposite is true.

 

Reach for your best dignity, and allow him to miss you. You will thank yourself later, regardless of outcomes.

 

Head high.

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