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Im always the girl that guys in monogamus relationships want to date. why am I that girl? is it ok ? 

Since you're noticing a pattern, you're the common denominator. Subconsciously, you think you only deserve unethical men, so that's what you attract and accept. When he asked you out, why didn't you ask who the other woman was? Wasn't that important? Why did you turn a blind eye?

Work on your self esteem, and then you will attract and only accept decent men.

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You cannot love someone you've known for 30 days. It's called a crush. Your skewed mentality is nothing a layman can fix on this forum. You need a life coach and psychological therapy since you're cho

That belief is limiting you. So is this one: You can change your beliefs if you choose. But it's your life, your decision. You have to live with it.

yes wiseman - you are wise.    you are right - he is not interested in continuing any sort of contact.   I get it I just don’t really want to accept that and move on.   

Im always the girl that guys in monogamus relationships want to date. why am I that girl? is it ok ? 

Since you're noticing a pattern, you're the common denominator. Subconsciously, you think you only deserve unethical men, so that's what you attract and accept. When he asked you out, why didn't you ask who the other woman was? Wasn't that important? Why did you turn a blind eye?

Work on your self esteem, and then you will attract and only accept decent men.

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1 hour ago, boobasil20 said:

yeah it was 2 years ago. 

 

feelings have resurfaced like a lightning bolt

Why do you think that is? 

This was a one-month interaction that happened 2 years ago. The guy wasn't even honest with you. Have you seen him or spoken to him since then?

I think you were probably right to walk away when you did.

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5 hours ago, boobasil20 said:

yeah it was 2 years ago. 

 

feelings have resurfaced like a lightning bolt

If you aren't following each other on social media, did he reach out and contact you or ? 

Sometimes mixed emotions or feelings come back. We're human. You may be overthinking this a little or maybe your lifestyle has changed recently. It's changed for a lot of people in 2020. Stay busy and on track if it helps. Do things that nurture you mentally, emotionally. Are you working at the moment? Do you have friends and family you can chat with? 

No one can eliminate all negative thoughts or retroactive emotions and blasts from the pasts. They happen of their own accord.

If there's one thing I learned, it is definitely NOT unique to you or one person in particular. People break up or walk away or end marriages and still think of individuals from the past here and there. It doesn't mean that you're supposed to contact them or that you're a total failure for having these memories or good or bad thoughts. They ARE a part of you but they do NOT define all you. 

Take a deep breath and roll with it. Everything passes. Let it pass. And keep enjoying things in the present, live life now in the present. 

 

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You dated a month, and it was two years ago?   

I don't understand why you are even thinking about this.  Have you considered therapy to understand why you choose who choose.   To be ruminating-and broken hearted-on this two years later, is a big concern.

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On 12/3/2020 at 1:04 AM, boobasil20 said:

my heart is broken- I made a huge impulsive mistake and walked away from the most beautiful thing in the world.

 

yea it was hard and disruptive and a bit of an strange match but I was fine this month when I said goodbye but I thought it would be fine and now I am just in utter disbelief about how awful I acted saying no a chance at a home with someone who is although faulty and not perfect- my heart is in a million pieces

1 month?  You have NO idea what could have happened in time.  Yeah, maybe so much & so good- seems unreal, probably is.

As mentioned, gut instinct.  If something starts out so crazed & seems unreal, because it is.. yes?

Things need to progress slowly but surely.  Don't feel bad... Is often so 'great' in the beginning.. So accept what is & let it be.

( I had a friend move some guy in to her home.. not even knowing him 2 months- within 10 mos he was outta there.. he was cheating on her.. damn user)  ugh  :/.

 

Never jump into something both feet.. especially if you don't know them!

 

We live, We learn.  ( well some).

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1 hour ago, boobasil20 said:

yep one month- to think I could be married- living in a house in the country- eat bbq on the weekends- 

Ok, so you can have all that one day, but you'll have to date people and plan your life out.

A 4 week interaction will not make your life plan happen. That's for you to do. Nothing to do with love.

If you're unhappy at home,and find yourself daydreaming this much, have you considered talking to a therapist about achieving your goals?

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13 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Wait, you dated this guy for barely 4 weeks?  This is from two years ago??  What am I missing here? 

I tried to move on but feelings come back being in 2020 hell has  taught me life is short and I really think people only are capable of falling in love once in their life. 

 

I really do believe that. no one ever thought about the past?  

 

and decided if we never get back together, Ill never be with anyone else. 

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You cannot love someone you've known for 30 days. It's called a crush. Your skewed mentality is nothing a layman can fix on this forum. You need a life coach and psychological therapy since you're choosing an unreachable fantasy over reality.

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10 hours ago, boobasil20 said:

I really think people only are capable of falling in love once in their life.

That belief is limiting you. So is this one:

10 hours ago, boobasil20 said:

and decided if we never get back together, Ill never be with anyone else. 

You can change your beliefs if you choose. But it's your life, your decision. You have to live with it.

Edited by Jibralta
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  • 4 weeks later...

my heart is not broken. I have decided to let go and let the memory of us live on in my heart forever. Much better this way. 

 

Im thankful for the experience and of having met him.

 

at this point there is nothing else to do to say just know that I am loved and we will always remember our time together. 

I emailed and really no response but of course Im sure if he wants a future with me he would have to make a move. 

 

there is nothing that can be said its like water for chocolate thx guys

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OK listen up! Lol You're 35 and forgive my bluntness but it really sounds like you have a few issues you really need to work on. Are you getting therapy? It sounds to me like you desperately want to be in a relationship but you're also terrified of being in one. You seem to act very dramatic which probably explains why you haven't had that many relationships at 35 and the longest one was only six months.

You told a guy you loved him after only a month or less but then you just dumped him and stormed off in the middle of having a drink with him. I mean, maybe on Days of Our Lives or some reality TV show this behaviour would seem fascinating but in real life it doesn't lol It actually makes you look emotionally unstable and not appealing to date unfortunately.

The fact that you're still fixated on a guy you only knew for one month two years later is also worrying. Sounds like you have some grandiose ideas about dating and maybe you get upset when the fantasy in your head doesn't live up to real life.

Also can I point out that unless you knew for a fact that girl the guy was with was his girlfriend, it doesn't mean you were stealing him away. He could have just been casually dating her, she could be a friend or first Tinder date which didn't go anywhere. If he wasn't actually in a relationship with her then he was still allowed to date other women. Though it is poor form to be hitting on other women if he was on a date. It's tactless.

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i tried with another guy. he was a musician. 

 

yesterday he released an album. there was a song about how he did not want to be second best. but THE ONE

 I honestly thought I could move on but you just can’t fake loving someone. 

 

I told the musician about the main guy he was trying to sweep me off my feet and I was afraid of getting hurt again so I told the musician that Im in love with someone else.

 

yesterday I hear the song about not wanting to be second best. no one wants that . who wants a relationship for just the sake of it? practice? im bored I rather just be by myself 

 

actually had therapy today. mainly just focusing on getting healthy I already spilled my guts about this situation to her and there is not much to say 

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5 minutes ago, boobasil20 said:

i tried with another guy. he was a musician. 

 

yesterday he released an album. there was a song about how he did not want to be second best. but THE ONE

 I honestly thought I could move on but you just can’t fake loving someone. 

 

I told the musician about the main guy he was trying to sweep me off my feet and I was afraid of getting hurt again so I told the musician that Im in love with someone else.

 

yesterday I hear the song about not wanting to be second best. no one wants that . who wants a relationship for just the sake of it? practice? im bored I rather just be by myself 

 

actually had therapy today. mainly just focusing on getting healthy I already spilled my guts about this situation to her and there is not much to say 

OMG I love musicians! You can give him my number! Looll But yes I totally get it! You can't force liking or loving someone. If you're not into that person then better to be alone. 

But I suppose in order to find what you want, you actually need to know what it is you're looking for. Like, what do you want from dating?

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Glad you have therapy....don't be afraid to step up, express your opinion, speak your mind, and get every dollar's worth out of those sessions.

Hope it made you feel better getting it all out.

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On 1/23/2021 at 3:18 PM, boobasil20 said:

I emailed and really no response but of course Im sure if he wants a future with me he would have to make a move.

OP, with all due respect, did you really expect a reply from a guy who you haven't seen or heard from in 2 years? 😕 Someone he barely knew? Serious question. He's clearly moved on a long time ago.  May not even remember you.  I have a really hard time getting my mind around this.

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It's not likely he "wants a future" with someone he dated for a month two years ago.

I would bet he's not obsessing over those few dates or imagining himself married to someone from his distant past who he wasn't even in a relationship with.

We tend to romanticize the past when our present is dissatisfying and our future looks bleak. So instead of pretending this man is the answer, how about making changes to your life to make it more satisfying?

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