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One thing led to another & I royally messed up everything. drugs and accusations


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I'm madly in love with my gf, but things got really bad, and here is how:

 

1. I accused her of being flirty with another guy during a thanksgiving party

 

2. She got mad, I physically tried to stop her from leaving by using my body (but not hitting her) - some outsider guy came running thinking i was hitting her but I was preventing her from driving drunk and might have been too physical and trying to prevent her from drunk driving

 

3. She decided to grab some things the next day and stay elsewhere for the week

 

4. I became extremely distraught and went on a drinking and xanax bender for the entire weekend and proceeded to act erratic and not my self. called her 10 times, texted her probably 20 times, and in general came across as mentally unstable. And she had to do a 911 call to have an ambulance do a wellness check on me, which they did and concluded I was fine and they left. the drugs were still in my body so i continued to act unstable for about half a day after

 

5. Because of the above drug/alcohol bender, I literally remember 10% of the 3 days. Its really embarrassing and sad that nearly the entire weekend is blacked out.

 

 

Please before you judge me, know I don't normally do any of these things. I have never had a drug bender like this in our year and a half of dating. I have broken down and cried so many times wondering if I ed everything up. It just happened. It started with one shot and a xanax pill, and before i knew it, i lost complete control :(

 

Right now she wants space, rightfully so and has asked me to give her that space.

 

I just hope we have enough love to salvage this. We are generally a happy couple. I just hope she doesn't think im straight insane which I feel like I kind of am right now :/

 

Can anyone relate? Has anyone recovered from anything even remotely similar

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Hi,

 

Usually when a period of a time in a relationship where we act out of control it’s the sign this relationship affects us in a toxic way more than we realize. I think you need to evaluate this period of space she’s given you to reflect what made you spiral and dig deep. The root cause could be a number of things but when it involves the person you’re dating it’s not a good sign that you’re in a healthy relationship.

 

Best of luck

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Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately trying to restrain someone is physical abuse and she could have called 911 for that alone.

 

Relationships don't get this abusive over one time alleged flirting incident and you know this.

 

As far as drug/alcohol use, you need to address this .

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I think the only thing for you to do is to seek a therapist or a program to help you.

 

Everything you mentioned is very severe and you want to learn to manage your emotions and address any drug or sub stance abuse issues.

 

These things usually don't fix themselves.

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Right now she wants space, rightfully so and has asked me to give her that space.

 

I just hope we have enough love to salvage this. We are generally a happy couple. I just hope she doesn't think im straight insane which I feel like I kind of am right now :/

 

Can anyone relate? Has anyone recovered from anything even remotely similar

 

Sorry to hear this. You aren't the first person who has done this on alcohol/xanax bender. I've seen it and it's pretty bad. You probably were acting pretty crazy, and xanax is a total mind eraser.

 

She asked for space, I think the best thing you can do right now is give her that space and work on getting yourself stable and balanced again.

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Sorry but I know you are skirting around the bender, BUT it seems to me, you don't have any coping skills to handle situations. THAT does need to be addressed, because you:

 

a)Flipped out at the party on her,

 

b) she wanted to leave and you aggressively barricaded her at the door...and you down played this. If someone comes running to see what's going on, it IS bad.

 

c) you lose your mind, and do something so damn dangerous and stupid, and you even down played that. Even I don't have drugs like that in my house...where did you get them from? You buy them? Belong to someone else? That's against the law.

 

d)all you are really concerned about is how to get her back, and not address your behavior, and the damage it has done to her, your friends, etc.

 

How normal level person would have dealt with this...waited til the next day to "talk" about how you felt, calmly and honestly without accusation.

 

If she wanted to leave, You offer to call them a cab or find a sober person to give them a ride home. There are services that will take you and your car home. Logical right?

 

Being upset? Go for a long walk to blow off steam, talk to a friend or a family member...calm yourself down. Breathe!

 

Get some self help books, or look up some articles on self improvement, get an attitude adjustment, talk with a friend that knows you well, and discuss what needs to change about you, and how you handle problems.

 

As for her, back off, give her space. If you contact her, she will push you away more. Now get on it, and focus on working on a better you.

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Thank you for the good advice. I think taking a good hard look at my self right now is going to be important.

 

However it would be easy for someone reading this to downplay the good in my life and who I am. Im a working professional earning 250k+, provided a comfortable living, have been loyal, faithful and have been there for my gf, do sweet gestures for her all the time, rub her feet almost every night. All our friends think of what an amazing couple we are.

 

I CLEARLY have stuff to work on, I just hope she allows me to work on it, while she remains my gf. I'm hoping this is salvageable because she is very special.

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If she chooses to move on that's her prerogative. Let her go. There is no other option. Keep working on yourself - focusing on yourself is a choice. Keep making as many healthy choices as you can for yourself. It adds up.

 

Good work on staying employed. There's more to life than money though. Stay safe.

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How you handle yourself in stressful situations is very important information for the people dating you.

 

Anyone with sense will look for a partner who tends to deescalate conflict rather than escalate it and who can handle their own sorrow without engaging in harmful behaviours.

 

So, everything that followed the initial conflict, I think it would certainly be worth doing some introspection and deciding if you want to leave these aspects of yourself unchanged or level them up.

 

But I’m caught on the initial conflict too. Either she is already losing interest and was indeed flirting with someone else, in which case it’s probably time to let this go. Or she wasn’t and you just made a scene out of nothing. Now this could be entirely your own insecurity, which you need to own and deal with yourself. Or it could be that you have been perceiving the connection failing in other ways and your reaction to her talking to someone else is a symptom of a more troubling disconnect.

 

Getting a psychologist on board to help you discern personal insecurities from genuine relationship failings could be helpful (but if that’s not possible keep bouncing thoughts off of the forum community at least)

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I have made such baseless allegations before but none of them were made in some overtly angry way. I think the amount of times (maybe 3 or tops 4 times) over the course of a year really upset her and her also being intoxicated she wanted to make it a much bigger thing... :(

 

 

So, everything that followed the initial conflict, I think it would certainly be worth doing some introspection and deciding if you want to leave these aspects of yourself unchanged or level them up.

 

But I’m caught on the initial conflict too. Either she is already losing interest and was indeed flirting with someone else, in which case it’s probably time to let this go. Or she wasn’t and you just made a scene out of nothing.

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Wait..hold up. I think you’re missing the point. I see it as it doesn’t matter if she was drunk or not, flirting or not. I see this as you had responsibility for the way you acted not responsibility for her actions. So you either, seek out what the core issues are or this won’t get fixed, not with her or the next relationship you get into. We unintentionally bring baggage over, especially baggage not resolved.

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Why do you keep making "baseless accusations"? What makes you think yu have the right to behave this way?

 

And of course she's going to make a big thing out of it because it is a big thing. Being accused over and over of something you didn't do is wrong, period. I wouldn't tolerate it either.

 

Please seek help for your issues. Otherwise you will continue this destructive behavior in your next relationship.

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Why do you keep making "baseless accusations"? What makes you think yu have the right to behave this way?

 

And of course she's going to make a big thing out of it because it is a big thing. Being accused over and over of something you didn't do is wrong, period. I wouldn't tolerate it either.

 

Please seek help for your issues. Otherwise you will continue this destructive behavior in your next relationship.

 

Sounds like "accusations" are correct.

 

please let her go. She feels unsafe around you.

 

If you thought she was going to drink and drive you could have just calmly talked to her "hey, how about I drive you home.."

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I'm glad you're pursuing professional help. You'll need to reconcile your own past with the fact that most healthy people are in a continual state of flirting--with neighbors, friends, golden retrievers, cats...

 

We all want to feel the buzz of connections, and happy people tend to amplify that feeling with perfectly natural behaviors. If you misinterpret that as disrespect to you, then you'll continually sabotage relationships with your core insecurities.

 

This outweighs any other 'advantages' that you can offer to another, regardless of how successful you are in those other areas. Without an ability to trust--other people AND your own judgment in selecting them--you can't function in a relationship.

 

We've all had periods in our lives when we are not good relationship material. This doesn't make you a freak, it makes you human. However, unless and until you resolve your own core insecurities, you haven't got a shot with anyone who is healthy enough to opt NOT to cater to your problem.

 

So skip any idea that you can fix this to resolve anything with someone you've already scared off. Work instead on your own foundation for screening and selecting trustworthy people to start. From there, you won't mistrust our own judgment to the degree that you blow up otherwise good relationships.

 

This doesn't mean that you'll never make a mistake or ever choose wrongly. That's a level playing field where we all need to draw on our own best judgment to differentiate whether someone is actually behaving in untrustworthy ways, VS., whether our own history is projecting such auto-accusations onto them.

 

This takes work, and the fix isn't fast. So work it until you make it, and you'll thank yourself later.

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