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Am I missing a relationship skill regarding conflict resolution?


LostSpartan

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Ok, that's the answer. Things moved too fast. What you see "upfront" is the rosy glow and people putting their best foot forward.

 

You let her move in way too soon. All you can do to diffuse things is give her appropriate notice for her and her son to move out.

 

Where did they live before? Maybe you're looking for happily ever after before you really know someone?

I honestly dont know. Its never something I see upfront.
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I need to know what I'm doing wrong. I usually flee from relationships.

 

...and so, you pick women with whom it's impossible to form healthy relationships.

 

...and then you try to make it about what you're doing wrong.

 

If you believe that walking on eggshells around someone else's neuroses will make you a 'better' partner, consider rethinking that.

 

The most important ingredient in relationships is simpatico. Most people will NOT meet that requirement.

 

So if you keep opting to 'try' forming relationships with people who don't meet you on that important ground, then you will continue to rack up failures, and you'll continue to feed your own head about the wrong reasons for those failures.

 

In construction they say, "Measure twice, cut once...". Convert that into relationship-speak to mean, "Screen carefully, so you won't need to cut--or suffer cuts."

 

This woman is not relationship material. You can make that about YOU because you chose her, or you can start learning how to choose better.

 

Head high.

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Which made me start thinking. What the hell is wrong with me? I see people that have been married for decades. I feel like I need help acquiring a skill I don't have to handle this, instead of my usual routine of just dumping her and moving on.

 

I don't think it is a skill so much as it is an outlook. You are skilled enough to describe the situation and analyze it. You recognize it as unfair and abusive. The problem is, you stay. Somewhere deep inside, you must believe there is nothing better out there.

 

Your outlook on women, and on relationships in general, is very bleak. In your realm, you are either trapped by a psycho or you dump and move on. There are no other alternatives. There is no partnership, no negotiation, no friendship, no trust. The woman is your warden. Be a prisoner or escape.

 

I had a similarly gloomy outlook. I'd look at couples and see thinly veiled misery. Resentment. Even if they were together for decades. Marriage was a trap.

 

I dated guys that I had no future with. Eventually, I realized that I didn't respect men. This came as a great surprise to me, because I actually like men. I mean, I have platonic male friends and I feel affection towards men and masculinity. And yet I didn't respect men.

 

What I mean is, in my mind, I expected to handle all of the responsibility in a relationship because men weren't reliable and couldn't be trusted. If we had somewhere to go, I would make all of the arrangements. If we needed something from the store, I would buy it. If chores needed to be done, I would do them. The man functioned as a companion, but otherwise uselessly existed. Like an ornament.

 

I reached a turning point when I ended up dating a guy who was borderline abusive. Actually, I think he was an abuser. I just managed to back away before I was fully ensnared. The situation left me shaken: how could I let myself become so involved with someone like that? I wouldn't have given that guy the time of day when I was 20... I realized it that a succession of small concessions in my standards over the years had led me to where I was.

 

I am usually an introspective person who takes her time making thorough evaluations before committing to an idea. But that experienced hardened me into resolution. My tolerance for certain red flags diminished to zero. After that, I ended up filtering out all of the guys I was meeting on dating sites. And then I shut down my profile and took a break from dating altogether.

 

For the next six months, I didn't even think about dating. But I did think a lot about my outlook on relationships. I focused on myself and my life, and I let my newfound boundaries set into stone.

 

Then, an old friend from childhood wandered into my life. There was a courtship, we dated, we grew closer... we are in a very happy relationship now. We've been together for almost 8.5 years.

 

Now, when I see other couples, I see happy people in love, not buried resentment.

 

Let this be the time where you decide: enough is enough.

 

On that note, I'll leave you with this short poem that helped me through:

 

Autobiography in Five Chapters

by Portia Nelson

 

Chapter 1:

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I don't see it.

I fall in.

It isn't my fault.

It takes a long time to figure out how to get out of the hole.

 

Chapter 2:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It takes a long time to get out.

 

Chapter 3:

I walk down the same street with my eyes wide open.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it.

I fall in.

It's my fault.

I get out immediately.

 

Chapter 4:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

 

Chapter 5:

I walk down a different street.

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