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December No Contact :(


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So the "work" should be concrete - IMO -not some abstract sense with words like "connection" that mean little, for example - do the work by taking actions and noticing when you act or react in a way that is not consistent with being your own good or best friend. Do that by avoiding self-absorption - see how you act with others -when you give to others and receive. Volunteer work is a great way to practice this as is being there for a friend.

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So the "work" should be concrete - IMO -not some abstract sense with words like "connection" that mean little, for example - do the work by taking actions and noticing when you act or react in a way that is not consistent with being your own good or best friend. Do that by avoiding self-absorption - see how you act with others -when you give to others and receive. Volunteer work is a great way to practice this as is being there for a friend.

 

Ok i can do that. Volunteering is challenging right now, a lot is shut down with the covid crisis. I can watch how i am interacting with others, and reaching out to support some other friends to start.

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Ok i can do that. Volunteering is challenging right now, a lot is shut down with the covid crisis. I can watch how i am interacting with others, and reaching out to support some other friends to start.

 

Virtually. I have friends who do that and I did that for awhile (calling elderly people who lived alone to check up on them, through an organized program; my friend meets with people virtually who need assistance with food and shelter and helps them)

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The big volunteer group I was part of, he actually runs!! We had a zoom meeting yesterday and i skipped it to maintain the NC. It was challening, would have been so easy to click "Join" and see him and talk to him again. REally loved that volunteer group

 

Good for you for resisting!

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The big volunteer group I was part of, he actually runs!! We had a zoom meeting yesterday and i skipped it to maintain the NC. It was challening, would have been so easy to click "Join" and see him and talk to him again. REally loved that volunteer group

 

Meals on Wheels always need volunteers to deliver those meals. Don't know if they are in your area, but if they are and you have a car and are willing to put in some driving time....it will be appreciated by many elderly or disabled folks.

 

If you want to do some good, there are so many more ways than through an ex that you might find even more rewarding.

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So many people are hungry right now. Food banks and charitable organizations need people to sort and pack food donations. They do this safely, with masks, gloves and physical distancing.

 

Are you creative? You can make art for people who otherwise would have no holiday gifts.

 

There are so many different ways to help others. And it feels fantastic to know you helped someone who's having a tough time.

 

And yes, tell yourself you'll message him Saturday. It's fine to decide to do so. Each day it's fine to decide to do so. Just make it two days away. At some point you'll be so proud of yourself for holding out you won't want to break your "streak".

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About half way through Day 3 and it still sucks pretty bad.

 

I guess the crippling panic from day 0 and day 1 isn't quite so pervasive. But this extreme depression and longing is pretty strong. I so badly just want to reach out to him, to talk to him about what happened. I miss him a lot and just want him back in my life.

 

I understand logically all the problems with that, with wanting somebody who grossly and callously disrespected me. But it doesn't stop the longing. It feels like nothing will stop the longing.

 

It's like time has completely stopped. Each day is so painful and slow. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he feels guilty. I wonder if he wants to reach out. I wonder what he's thinking.

 

I'm also aware it doesn't matter what he's thinking. This time is about me. When those emotions flare up i need to keep nudging the focus back to myself, my other friends, any other hobbies. I feel so weak right now.

 

That part of my brain, that emotional part, still wonders if there is anyway to fix this after a period of no contact. I think, if i wait long enough, there definitely is. But the logical part of my brain just knows the same thing would eventually happen all over again. So today, even the emotional part of my brain is starting to realize.... Why bother? The amount of effort, time, energy I put into this guy.... just to be brushed aside for someone else. It wasn't all one sided, he did a lot for me, but it was still unbalanced. Hopefully as time goes by this part will start to get a bit clearer for me. I guess there is a lot to think about in terms of why I was willing to settle and allow something so unbalanced in teh first place.

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Meals on Wheels always need volunteers to deliver those meals. Don't know if they are in your area, but if they are and you have a car and are willing to put in some driving time....it will be appreciated by many elderly or disabled folks.

 

If you want to do some good, there are so many more ways than through an ex that you might find even more rewarding.

 

Thanks, I can look into something like that and see what's around.

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So many people are hungry right now. Food banks and charitable organizations need people to sort and pack food donations. They do this safely, with masks, gloves and physical distancing.

 

Are you creative? You can make art for people who otherwise would have no holiday gifts.

 

There are so many different ways to help others. And it feels fantastic to know you helped someone who's having a tough time.

 

And yes, tell yourself you'll message him Saturday. It's fine to decide to do so. Each day it's fine to decide to do so. Just make it two days away. At some point you'll be so proud of yourself for holding out you won't want to break your "streak".

 

Some good ideas, I definitely should look up what options are going on around me.

 

Yes, going for two weeks seems like it will kill me. Lasting until til Saturday seems tough, but doable. And I know he would be a lot more receptive to the messages from me by saturday than today.

 

I think the biggest issue is that I know if i messaged him in 2 days, he would still be pretty irritated about things and it would go bad. But... less irritated than if i messaged him today.

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He's with someone else though. I'm afraid that in this pain, this isn't quite sinking in. That's fine if it isn't but the more you're able to grasp this - that his attentions are elsewhere for a reason - and not on you, it'll start to make more sense. It might help lower and eliminate those expectations over time, as the days go by. He's simply not thinking about you in the way you want him to.

 

I know this sounds harsh but not my intention. He's not thinking about you because he's with someone else.

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It's OK to feel bad. When I was broken up with by someone I was absolutely crazy about and was crying and heartbroken, I just kept telling myself "Suck it up, this won't last forever". And it didn't.

 

You may find it interesting that I no longer love him. This is someone I swore was "The love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!!!1111" He tried to start dating me again a few years after the breakup and I basically told him "No, thanks" because I had zero feelings for him. In fact, I found him tiresome and annoying.

 

You'll get there. It's not a cliche, it really does take time.

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Damn. Thank you. I needed that harshness.

I just... dont know how to cope with that i guess

After all this time im just not good enough :(

Maybe not good enough for anybody.

 

Please...it has nothing to do with not being "good enough".

 

HE WAS THE WRONG MAN FOR YOU. Period.

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It's OK to feel bad. When I was broken up with by someone I was absolutely crazy about and was crying and heartbroken, I just kept telling myself "Suck it up, this won't last forever". And it didn't.

 

You may find it interesting that I no longer love him. This is someone I swore was "The love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!!!1111" He tried to start dating me again a few years after the breakup and I basically told him "No, thanks" because I had zero feelings for him. In fact, I found him tiresome and annoying.

 

You'll get there. It's not a cliche, it really does take time.

 

It is good to hear that story. Thanks for sharing. I hope i can get there at some point.

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Finding the right guy sounds so daunting though. Starting all over? Actually meeting someone again? During covid especially? And then it takes so long to really build the relationship, the shared experiences, the connections. And so many duds that fizzle out right at the beginning. I guess the positive way to look at it is "There is definitely a good match for me out there" but my emotions are saying "He's not the right man for me, maybe there isn't one."

 

Day 3 is rough man. I can wait til the weekend when im not stuck working, need to go out and distract myself

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Yeah. I think the denial would be less if he just told me he wanted to end it. Instead he kept saying he wanted me too, and him seeing her didn't mean he wasn't going to see me too, but then showed me in a harsh way where i fit on his priority list. Even now, we have had basically no conversation since then.

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Yeah. I think the denial would be less if he just told me he wanted to end it. Instead he kept saying he wanted me too, and him seeing her didn't mean he wasn't going to see me too, but then showed me in a harsh way where i fit on his priority list. Even now, we have had basically no conversation since then.

 

He never wanted you ever in the way you wanted him.He did not want to be committed to you. You wanted to be committed to him. Yes he was harsh at the end but every single day you were with him the subtext was that you wanted him more than he wanted you. He knew this. It's not a way to keep a spark going -it's a turn off to be with someone who is settling. So when he met her he did see potential for something serious and committed so he had to focus only on her. The way he went about it was not classy at all and I'm sorry you experienced that. You will not meet someone like him because part of what you liked was his unavailability to you -kept you on your toes. You will if you want a commitment have to be a person who is excited by another person even though he wants you too in the same way. This was easier for you because you knew you'd never have him -as far as just you and him -so you didn't have to risk being totally vulnerable to him the way people are in a committed relationship.

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