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Hello all. 36 yo guy here. I've been seeing another bi guy for 3 years. The last few weeks he started seeing this girl and i quickly felt him phasing me out. He promised he would not phase me out. We've been going over this for a week. This morning i confessed my deep seated fear that every guy i know will eventually choose a girl over me, but that I was trusting him because he promised me i wasn't being replaced. He invited me over today, and his new girl showed up. He told me to leave so he could spend the night with her. He literally chose someone else right in front of me.

 

After 3 years. After everything we went over, after all the promises he made this week. My heart is totally broken. That was the most i've ever been disrespected by anyone, especially by my best friend. I am living in his spare condo. I told him that I'm moving out at the end of the month. I sent him a bunch of messages when it first went down, which he read but hasn't replied to.

 

I know the only option here is no contact. I know there is no point trying to go back to him, anything he says from here on will just burn me. I deserve someone who won't treat me like this. And i know how effective No contact has ... eventually.. been for me in the past.

 

I'm here because i need help. NC is one of the hardest things, and especially with this situation because my life has grown entwined with his. This is going to be a painful month as i find a new place to live, a painful week as I start dealing with the fallout of last night, a painful day as I start to cope with the new reality and struggle to stop messaging him if he doesnt reach out after all that, or struggle to not reply if he does.

 

I feel weak today.

Please help support me.

December 1st. 2020

Day 1.

 

This is going to be so hard.

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Don't worry about weeks or even tomorrow. Decide you're going to be kind to yourself today.

Took your advice. Taking extra care of myself today. Nap. Yoga. Nice walk. It is helping.

I'm glad to hear you're doing so well.  Good for you 🙂

Can I ask why you are not dating a gay man, if you fear they will leave you for a woman?

 

You are right, he does not have respect for you, nor is he a friend. He sounds like a real jerk. Has he done similar things in the past?

 

I think that you need to move as soon as possible.

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He promised he would not phase me out. Promises are a bit ridiculous in relationships. When you're dating, you can't truly promise forever, because you can outgrow the relationship. If your partner doesn't put in the effort, or is emotionally or physically abusive, it's best for things to end. Sometimes feelings fade and you don't know why.

 

I expect you were the one pleading for a promise and you magically thought his words would be set in stone and give you relief. I assume the relationship was always rocky and you always felt as though your castle's foundation was built on sea sand instead of concrete.

 

We've been going over this for a week. Clearly your self esteem is low. If it were healthy, instead of pleading for someone not to phase you out while dating someone new, you should've done what was best for yourself at that point and made a quick exit. His actions showed his lack of care for you, so why would you be willing to stick around after you saw that?

 

Take this solo time to learn self-love. Once you know longer need to communicate about the property you're vacating, delete and block his number. Be realistic that you will be mourning for probably a good 3 or 4 months. But with no contact, you will start thinking of him less and less with every week, until it becomes rare that you think of him. Each stage is necessary to get to the part of healing. Don't seek out a new partner until you are emotionally free of the ex. And no more asking for promises. They are useless. Let the actions speak for themselves. When someone wants to stay in your life, they will treat you as the special person you are.

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Do you not have any friends? Maybe contact family for some distraction. Make plans for the holidays with a coworker, friend or family member.

 

Keeping busy is key. yes the first few days are going to be tough. But after a week, things will start to lighten up and the waves of pain will slow down. By week two, you will feel like you have gotten over the flu, but look forward to other things. Week three you will feel normal, like a weight has been lifted, and maybe be interested in a flirtation or two. Get out, go for walks, reach out, go forward.

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You can absolutely do better. Keep that chin up. The first week will be wobbly and you'll be skating across the park after that. Ride this one out.

 

Keep writing if it helps to write here and vent instead of texting him. Don't text him anymore.

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Can I ask why you are not dating a gay man, if you fear they will leave you for a woman?

 

I don't know, i just liked this guy. And I feel bi guys are more masculine in general and less into the gay scene.

 

You are right, he does not have respect for you, nor is he a friend. He sounds like a real jerk. Has he done similar things in the past?

 

I think that you need to move as soon as possible.

 

Thank you for saying that. He is showing no remorse so I keep going back and second guessing myself, wondering if I'm overreacting

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I expect you were the one pleading for a promise and you magically thought his words would be set in stone and give you relief. I assume the relationship was always rocky and you always felt as though your castle's foundation was built on sea sand instead of concrete.

 

Yes, he started acting like he was going to phase me out and I freaked out. The relationship was pretty rocky at the start, but felt pretty stable the last year or so.. until just the last week or two when he suddenly got this new girl.

 

We've been going over this for a week. Clearly your self esteem is low. If it were healthy, instead of pleading for someone not to phase you out while dating someone new, you should've done what was best for yourself at that point and made a quick exit. His actions showed his lack of care for you, so why would you be willing to stick around after you saw that?

 

You are right. My self esteem is low. I think he slowly whittled it down over the last few years, making me feel insecure about things. You are right, especially his latest actions prove he doesn't care about me as much as i thought. I need to remember that as I try to stay focused on NC.

 

Take this solo time to learn self-love. Once you know longer need to communicate about the property you're vacating, delete and block his number. Be realistic that you will be mourning for probably a good 3 or 4 months. But with no contact, you will start thinking of him less and less with every week, until it becomes rare that you think of him. Each stage is necessary to get to the part of healing. Don't seek out a new partner until you are emotionally free of the ex. And no more asking for promises. They are useless. Let the actions speak for themselves. When someone wants to stay in your life, they will treat you as the special person you are.

 

Thank you for the good advice. I spent way too much time chasing him for crumbs of attention. I move out in a month. I feel like at some point I will have to contact him before that about a bunch of stuff since we left it all hanging in the air on terrible terms. But hopefully I can go for a couple weeks before that at least, just to get my head on straight, and then once I'm out recommit to indefinite NC. I think you are right, in the past it has taken 3-4 months before I started to adjust. The first month is the hardest. The first day sucks too LOL.

 

I will also take your advice to not seek a partner until I'm healed. I think i need some time to figure out why I've allowing myself to chase and be treated this way.

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Do you not have any friends? Maybe contact family for some distraction. Make plans for the holidays with a coworker, friend or family member.

 

It has gotten very difficult to socialize since covid, I am normally very social but becoming pretty isolated now.

 

Keeping busy is key. yes the first few days are going to be tough. But after a week, things will start to lighten up and the waves of pain will slow down. By week two, you will feel like you have gotten over the flu, but look forward to other things. Week three you will feel normal, like a weight has been lifted, and maybe be interested in a flirtation or two. Get out, go for walks, reach out, go forward.

 

Thank you. I am looking forward to feeling like myself again.

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You can absolutely do better. Keep that chin up. The first week will be wobbly and you'll be skating across the park after that. Ride this one out.

 

Keep writing if it helps to write here and vent instead of texting him. Don't text him anymore.

 

Thank you. I may have to do that. It's crazy all the ways my brain is trying to create to contact him. I mean... it did that all the time anyway but now its even worse. But we have been rocky the last week or so until the blow up yesterday, and I'm sure anything that I message him is just going to annoy him more. I really need to just drop off the radar for a while.

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He did eventually reply to my text about moving out. He said he respects my decision. But he showed no remorse or acknowledgment of the lousy thing he did to me. I wanted to start messaging him more, saying i don't actually want to move out, I don't know what else to do, why did he do that to me.... etc. But I decided not to. I don't see it going well. Best to just get through NC today.

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So why did you stay so long if you wanted to be and with all respect why is it a shock that now he wants to see someone else given your arrangement?

 

I liked him a lot. I was ok with dating other people too. But with Covid we started getting more exclusive and that was nice, it is harder to meet new people right now. And then he found her and totally shifted priorities and that hurt. But even then, I could still handle it OK, until she showed up and he chose her over me. That was so painful.

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I liked him a lot. I was ok with dating other people too. But with Covid we started getting more exclusive and that was nice, it is harder to meet new people right now. And then he found her and totally shifted priorities and that hurt. But even then, I could still handle it OK, until she showed up and he chose her over me. That was so painful.

 

So you weren't exclusive but assumed you were? So if you are this attached to someone I would never ever assume - it sounds like the exclusivity (meaning for the time being you weren't looking to date other people) was because of convenience not desire. I'm so sorry you had to go through that -he sounds like he acted like a jerk about it.

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So you weren't exclusive but assumed you were? So if you are this attached to someone I would never ever assume - it sounds like the exclusivity (meaning for the time being you weren't looking to date other people) was because of convenience not desire. I'm so sorry you had to go through that -he sounds like he acted like a jerk about it.

 

Thank you. I'm aware a lot of it is my own doing, but it sure sucks. I sent him a ton of angry texts when he kickd me out, so I'm sure he's super irritated with me (he already had been growing irritated with me all week for sensing that he was phasing me out). I can't help wondering when he's gonna notice I've gone quiet, if he's gonna care, if he's gonna check on how i'm doing after knowing how bad he hurt me. Wondering if ill hear from him or if it will just be silent because he doesnt care anymore

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Thank you. I'm aware a lot of it is my own doing, but it sure sucks. I sent him a ton of angry texts when he kickd me out, so I'm sure he's super irritated with me (he already had been growing irritated with me all week for sensing that he was phasing me out). I can't help wondering when he's gonna notice I've gone quiet, if he's gonna care, if he's gonna check on how i'm doing after knowing how bad he hurt me. Wondering if ill hear from him or if it will just be silent because he doesnt care anymore

 

So the purpose of no contact is for you to move on. Period. Not to muse over what effect it will have on him. Sending angry texts is cowardly and potentially harassing. He may care and go silent because if he contacts you he's afraid you will over text him again. I've been the victim of that and when you are the victim the best approach is silence.

 

So I am sorry the way he went about it was hurtful and at the same time if you are non exclusive with someone and that attached there's a much more significant risk of being hurt - obviously you wanted exclusivity more than he did. It was imbalanced. It does suck and it will work well for you for moving on if you continue to be honest with yourself about the unnecessary emotional risks you chose to take and choosing to live with someone who did not want to be in a committed relationship with you. Again the way he went about it was quite cold - that isolated incident -but I hope you're not angry at him for dating someone else and choosing that person -that is always a strong risk when you're not exclusive especially.

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So the purpose of no contact is for you to move on. Period. Not to muse over what effect it will have on him. Sending angry texts is cowardly and potentially harassing. He may care and go silent because if he contacts you he's afraid you will over text him again. I've been the victim of that and when you are the victim the best approach is silence.

 

Very good advice. I regret the angry over texting. I was very upset. Thats why I'm glad I started NC and stopped any texts before it got worse.

 

So I am sorry the way he went about it was hurtful and at the same time if you are non exclusive with someone and that attached there's a much more significant risk of being hurt - obviously you wanted exclusivity more than he did. It was imbalanced. It does suck and it will work well for you for moving on if you continue to be honest with yourself about the unnecessary emotional risks you chose to take and choosing to live with someone who did not want to be in a committed relationship with you. Again the way he went about it was quite cold - that isolated incident -but I hope you're not angry at him for dating someone else and choosing that person -that is always a strong risk when you're not exclusive especially.

 

Thank you for the perspective. It is hard not to feel dejected after 3 years when he prioritizes someone of 2 weeks over me though. Especially that isolated incident. I guess you are right though, we were not on the same page, and maybe moving on from this will let me find someone who is?

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I am confused -it was 3 years of casual dating. You said you also wanted to date other people. It wasn't 3 years of a serious committed relationship. People fall in love and end relationships all the time. And even more so when they are single as he was. As you were. It's the risk you take. If you are committed to someone both of you have the understanding that you want to be only with each other AND that you don't desire to pursue others -not because of covid or because there's no one around at the moment because you feel that strongly that you are with the right person and why in the world would you risk messing that up by pursing another person and anyway -you do not want to. He wanted to. You wanted to. Once both people are thinking the grass could be greener and want to shop around there is a huge risk that their heads will be turned really fast by someone new. Also he probably sensed you were more into him than he was to you. So picking someone shiny and new makes sense -she was new, she was more of a challenge than you, she wasn't settling for scraps like you.

 

Yes, find someone who is on the same page so you stop lying to yourself and settling for scraps. I agree!

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I am confused -it was 3 years of casual dating. You said you also wanted to date other people. It wasn't 3 years of a serious committed relationship. People fall in love and end relationships all the time. And even more so when they are single as he was. As you were. It's the risk you take. If you are committed to someone both of you have the understanding that you want to be only with each other AND that you don't desire to pursue others -not because of covid or because there's no one around at the moment because you feel that strongly that you are with the right person and why in the world would you risk messing that up by pursing another person and anyway -you do not want to. He wanted to. You wanted to. Once both people are thinking the grass could be greener and want to shop around there is a huge risk that their heads will be turned really fast by someone new. Also he probably sensed you were more into him than he was to you. So picking someone shiny and new makes sense -she was new, she was more of a challenge than you, she wasn't settling for scraps like you.

 

Yes, find someone who is on the same page so you stop lying to yourself and settling for scraps. I agree!

 

Wow. Painful to read but totally true. It still sucks though :( Day one has seemed like ages, I'm not sure how i'm gonna get through weeks.

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You'll get through it one day and one step at a time. If it gets really bad, give yourself 5 minutes to cool it....and then another 5 minutes and another.....You can always do just 5 minutes...right?

 

That said, dude....you've got to start being honest with yourself. Either you were cool with not being exclusive and just a casual hook up thing while you were both seeing other people.....in which case you are being overly dramatic here. He owed you nothing as per your arrangement and the whole he chose to prioritize her over you is nothing more than your slighted ego....OR....you were never actually OK with this arrangement and so you are truly badly hurt.

 

If the latter, then please learn from this. Don't ever lie and pretend you are cool with something you are not. It doesn't matter how much you like someone, if they are not giving you the kind of a relationship that you actually want, have enough confidence and self respect to walk away from that person. Otherwise.....you'll find yourself where you are right now over and over again.

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