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Hi all,

 

I was wondering if someone out there could help me out with this. I’m sure it’s all in my head but would appreciate others thoughts.

 

I’ve known my girlfriend as a friend for over a decade. We met randomly in a bar and hit it off straight away. Within the last year we got closer and romantically involved. Everything was amazing at first. Texting all the time, texting into the early hours, all that mushy good stuff in a new relationship. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. So when it tailed off and she became a bit less chatty and would leave long gaps between replies, I wasn’t so shocked. I knew it was a thing and she’s a busy woman. Not to say it didn’t bother me a bit, as I like talking to her. But it is what it is.

 

Before we got together I was on a dating site, without much luck. When we got closer I deleted the app off my phone, but didn’t deactivate my account. Rookie mistake, there was no malice there, I just didn’t think. So I get emails from the site with 20% off offers and all this junk, I just ignored it. One day though I got 3 emails within 2 hours of promos so decided to log in, deactivate or delete my account and put an end to it. I log in and there she is. Bold as anything, on the dating site. At first I thought she may have just done what I did and not delete her account, but upon further inspection she had uploaded a new picture of her in her new glasses she had only got a few weeks prior. I confronted her on this, and she came out with some story about it being her way of finding out information on her abusive ex, who uses the site also. By this point, I’d drank a few beers with a friend to calm my rage so I drunkenly accepted her story. However, there is this niggling feeling to it all. And I do not trust her anymore. That breaks my heart as I have known her so long, but I can’t shake it off. Today just enforced that. We were having a nice chat, and she chirps up out of the blue she needed some space tonight and wouldn’t be replying anymore. That’s fine, we all need space. But this came out of nowhere. Almost as if her date was about to turn up? And, being Facebook messenger, it tells you when people are active with the green dot, she was online all night.

 

Is this all in my head, or am I justified feeling this way?

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How long have you officially been dating? Have you had the exclusive talk?

 

You are Both on dating sites. Perhaps decide what type of relationship you want and set clear boundaries.

 

How often do you date/see each other in person? There seems to be a lot of emphasis on texting, texting response times, who's online, monitoring social media, etc.

 

Why not ask specifically what this is and state clearly what you want.

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You know the story she spun about why she was on the dating site is BS. It’s just not plausible and you know it.

 

As such, this is most certainly not all in your head. She is keeping her options open and looking to meet someone else. Sorry OP, but she’s not into you and this relationship anymore. I would end it now, as she is on her way out already. It will only be a matter of time before she requests permanent space, man.

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How long have you officially been dating? Have you had the exclusive talk?

 

You are Both on dating sites. Perhaps decide what type of relationship you want and set clear boundaries.

 

How often do you date/see each other in person? There seems to be a lot of emphasis on texting, texting response times, who's online, monitoring social media, etc.

 

Why not ask specifically what this is and state clearly what you want.

 

We have officially been going out since March, we made our boundaries and what we wanted clear from the start.

 

We used to see each other regularly at first. At least once a week when we weren’t working. She lives another town over so it has to be arranged. My car broke down beyond repair around the same time and I cannot afford to get a new one just yet so that put it on the back burner, then the pandemic struck. So we do rely on texts and messaging services a lot. It’s not like I was monitoring her last night. I was talking to another friend on messenger and could see her online status. I’m all for giving her time when she needs or wants it, as often as she needs it. But last night just seemed off.

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Secrets have a way of coming out, even when you're not looking for them. What would uploading a new photo have anything to do with stalking an ex, and why would you want to continue dating someone who is still emotionally tethered to an ex? Though I even doubt her story, so if I'm correct, she's a lying cheater. No matter how you look at it, she's not a decent partner.

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Nope. If she wanted to do this she would have told you her plans in advance and my guess is she would have uploaded a picture that was not of her or no picture (I think it's an awful way to find out information but I'm just saying she would have wanted you to know all about it in advance to avoid this kind of situation).

 

Two examples. When my husband and I started exclusively dating he had an inactive dating site profile and I had an active one (we did not meet on a dating site). I suspended my membership which meant I could not read emails. I believed that it also meant no one could view me. I did go on the site -when friends asked me to check out a guy they were chatting with, etc. I told my then boyfriend I was doing so - I mentioned it -wasn't a big deal because I thought no one could view my profile anymore. He was fine with it. I did not do anything else on the site. But then I found out through a friend that I was viewable on the site. So as soon as I could I called the online site and made sure I was totally removed. I had no concerns at all about my mistake because I was up front with my husband. Also, fortunately, none of his friends saw me on the site so it was never an issue. I'm not even sure if I told him I took this second step.

 

Example two. Although my husband had an inactive profile he still got emails from Match about "potential matches". So did his friend who was married/committed (they are now married, anyway) - and they would laugh about who was "suggested" - just harmless fun. He told me about it. But after a couple of months I realized I didn't love it. Because if he received a suggestion of someone he actually knew or knew of it would look like he was still active on the site. It's a small world. So I told him that and also that I just thought it was inappropriate to compare notes with his friend ,etc. He agreed and unsubscribed. But the thing is I didn't feel the need to check that he had - it wasn't a big deal because I knew about it.

 

That's the point -there are lots of gray areas even in an exclusive relationship plus situations you may not think of (like, I for years have chatted with a guy who is a regular on my jogging path - he's probably 10 plus years older than me - and years ago we had longer chats when my son was in the stroller - totally harmless but some couples might not be comfortable with that) - but if there's a foundation of trust, similar values and open communication when those unusual situations arise - there's literally no issue. Your SO has something to hide. She didn't tell you for a reason and it's not because of her abusive ex- it's because she wanted to advertise herself as single. And knew you wouldn't like it, duh.

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I’m all for giving her time when she needs or wants it, as often as she needs it. But last night just seemed off.

 

But when someone has also been recently caught uploading fresh pics on a dating app?

 

It is off.

 

Whether or not she was with a different guy last night is up for debate. But updating her profile on the dating site is not. That was your cue that this is done. She was simply buying time and covering her own guilty butt by feeding you a ridiculous excuse for it.

 

I would keep your dignity and next her. This isn't going to last much longer before she bails anyway.

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You're right to feel hurt and bad that after a long time of friendship, she did not respect you enough to just break it off.

 

She is actively looking for a new boyfriend. These little games of I need space, I was just stalking my ex, will continue until she meets another guy.

 

Sorry. its brutal... but she obviously is not the great person and friend you thought.

 

I would dump her as a girlfriend and a friend, today.

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What a crock. She needs to upload a new photo so she can stalk her allegedly abusive ex? Why? So this allegedly abusive ex can see the pic and contact her?

 

I would guess she did that so this ex could find her and she's seeing him again or she is indeed looking for new men to date.

 

So are you going to continue on pretending everything is fine? Or end it for your own good?

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What a crock. She needs to upload a new photo so she can stalk her allegedly abusive ex? Why? So this allegedly abusive ex can see the pic and contact her?

And if this was true and nothing else I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who had that sort of preoccupation about an ex, let alone an abusive one.

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Speaking only for myself, my own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's in touch with an ex, or still interested in an ex, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children.

 

You're learning WHY.

 

So I'd make this less about this woman and more about what YOU want.

 

Is this that?

 

I'd exit, and read my sig.

 

Head high.

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Speaking only for myself, my own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's in touch with an ex, or still interested in an ex, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children.

 

You're learning WHY.

 

So I'd make this less about this woman and more about what YOU want.

 

Is this that?

 

I'd exit, and read my sig.

 

Head high.

 

I think it can say a lot about a person who can remain friends with exes especially if it was a long term relationship or they knew each other before or they are also colleagues and the professional/social lines are blurred. It has to be out in the open, it has to be where the new partner is invited to meet the person if they wish, it has to be where both have moved on/no more romantic feelings that could get in the way of a platonic friendship. Anyway in this case it's behind his back and anyway it's most likely a lie -she's not stalking her ex, she's looking to date.

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By this point, I’d drank a few beers with a friend to calm my rage so I drunkenly accepted her story. However, there is this niggling feeling to it all. And I do not trust her anymore.

- Wow.. you have 'rage'? Because you'd been hanging with this gal.. for a few months? :O

 

Well.. if you don't trust her anymore..whatever.

 

Accept what you will (or assume), since you know nothing til you ask.

 

BTW, you do know that after the honeymoon phase, things DO die down. ( I feel YOU are insecure- your own issues).

 

As for her 'watching' her ex? That is on her ( but does not mean she is looking to find someone else).. All I see there is she is not over him.

 

Anyways.. your choice.. maybe is best to just let it be.. move on.

*and deal with this 'anger bit'.

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I know a married woman who cheats on her husband who has as smooth excuses as this woman. The spiderweb of lies and responses is just enough to make the husband believe what he wants to believe - his wife is not cheating. I think you deserve someone who is totally into you.

 

Regarding Match, I have an unpaid profile that I use to check out guys, but I certainly do not have a photo as the account is used only for snooping around.

 

I know it sucks, but I think you are trying to convince yourself of her innocence. Move on. Go flirt with a few women and get distracted from this situation.

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