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Girlfriend refuses to discuss finances


Wtk309
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Hello, my gf and I have lived together for several years. She has always refused to pay rent. This has always been a problem for me. We are both middle aged adults and share a child together and also her son lives here. I own the home. I pay for everything even though she has an income though she refuses to tell me how much money she makes. I had finally had enough and told her a few months back that she needs to pay 1/3rd of the household bills and gave her until january to begin the payments.

Now she is mad at me since rent is coming due and claims she cant afford it. I asked her to go over her finances with me...income. debts, etc., and she said "it's none of your fu×÷ing business".

She knows everything about my financial situation, Bill's etc.

On top of this, I paid for half of her car, I pay for her car repairs, her childs bedroom furniture, and other things. I pay whenever we have a date night. Honestly the rent money I'm asking her to pay is less than the money I spend on the personal things I just described. It would take a year of rent just to cover the car I bought her.

Whenever we have a discussion she clams up, tells me she is moving out, and disappears for the rest of the day.

I feel taken advantage of. What should I do?

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I only know that I could choose but one lifetime partner for my one precious life, and I made sure to choose one who makes my life easier, as I do his. I couldn't be in something so one-sided, with no regard for fairness. Someone who constantly speaks of moving out whenever an important discussion comes in to play that she's not happy about. Someone who runs away from problems.

 

It's a shame childrens lives will be severely affected with a breakup, but you can't expect a rock to become a gem without tons of polishing and work. Unfortunately, she's unlikely to agree to couples counseling. Why did you accept being a doormat years ago? Did the relationship take off too fast, bringing a child into the world before you had a chance to know the reality of who she was?

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When she initially moved in I was paying a ton of money in childcare expenses and she wasnt working so the deal was that she would provide childcare while I worked in lieu of rent. Within a few months of moving in she got a job and I was back to paying childcare. It was at this point that her not paying rent became a problem and I was about to kick her out because she refused to contribute, but then the pregnancy was a surprise.

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wow. this woman has a great deal going. she doesn't even have to share any info and you just keep on paying.

 

Money and finances are the biggest source of problems. But I think this has an added level.

 

I could not imagine being so selfish for one. the other thing is, what kind of woman have you had a child with and hooked your life to? She refuses to tell you how much money she makes? tells you its none of your freaking business? She threatens to move out? She will stop talking to you?

 

What have you done besides enable this behavior, by tolerating it?

 

You asked what you should do.... I would talk to an attorney about the child custody process and advice about getting her out. I would get my thoughts together and be prepared.

 

Next I would tell her that I want to have an open, honest discussion about finances and if she can't do this, I want to separate. and I would mean it.

 

if you back down or blink... you're done. she has you lock stock, and barrel. Accept this situation because you don't like it, but you don't want to change it.

 

What we don't change, we are accepting.

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You asked what you should do.... I would talk to an attorney about the child custody process and advice about getting her out. I would get my thoughts together and be prepared.

 

Next I would tell her that I want to have an open, honest discussion about finances and if she can't do this, I want to separate. and I would mean it.

 

if you back down or blink... you're done. she has you lock stock, and barrel. Accept this situation because you don't like it, but you don't want to change it.

 

What we don't change, we are accepting.

 

Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. You are giving her that permission, been doing it for years. Lambert had great advice and I hope you heed it or you will be in this situation til hell freezes over. She has no incentive to pay her part as you dont make her do that.

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I mean, yall are right. I know this. I have known this.

Part of my question was if I am right to know her finances. It just seems like something normal couples share. I dont understand why she wont talk about it, and I wouldnt have even brought it up if she hadnt blamed my rent request for her being broke. The rent I requested is far less than any apartment she could rent btw. I only asked her about her finances so I could get a better understanding of what amount of rent she can afford.

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How long have you been dating? Do you both have kids from previous relationships?

 

Is her name on the deed of the house? What does she do for a living? Do you make significantly more money?

 

Do you divide household errand, chores, groceries,etc?

 

Unfortunately you are not married so her finances are her business . Do you need the money or is it the principal of the matter?

 

Can you come up with a list of who does what around the house, and who pays for what.

 

Treating her like a random tenant and threatening to kick her out hasn't helped. Bickering over money is something you need a better agreement on.

 

The bottom line is you can't have it both ways. Treating her like a live in roommate, threatening to kick her out, not be legally married and expect access to her finances.

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Why were you paying a ton of money for childcare expenses?

How many children do you have? Where do they live?

 

Why did this woman move her and her son into your house?

And why did you allow her to care for your children in exchange for a bed for her and her son??

 

None of that makes any sense to me??

 

Why wouldn’t you if you were in a relationship with her , fine have her move in although it seems like it was a premature move , but have her pay rent AND utilities. Her figure out how to pay them and you continue with childcare?

 

But instead you had her move in as a housewife.

That means you ARE telling her that YOU will pay for everything.

You became her employer , whilst also paying all her bills??

And you agreed to that? Seriously???

 

Fast forward a few months , she got bored of looking after your kids and got a job.

That was when you stopped being her employer but still continued to pay all her bills.

Why?

 

She didn’t refuse to pay rent. You allowed her to not pay rent.

On top of that you also paid for her car etc.

You are not being taken advantage of , you are a willing participant.

 

Stop paying for her car etc. She has more disposable income than you and probably putting that money into a secret savings account that you are fuelling.

Let her leave.

You can sort out custody agreements later and back to paying childcare.

 

Seek a financial advisor.

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You’re not wrong to be asking for her to contribute, nor for wanting to understand her finances.

 

However, you’re very late to the game in that. You’ve voluntarily participated in creating this mess. It is unlikely to change now. You heave to decide if you’re going to continue to let her wipe her feet all over you, or stand up and possibly end this incredibly lopsided relationship.

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You need to get tough here. There's a good reason she's not telling you how much she earns. If you had that information you could decide between you how much of the household expenses would be a fair proportion for her to pay (calling it that rather than rent makes it less like a business arrangement). You don't, so tell her that as from a set date she must pay half. Tell her also that from that date you will no longer be paying for anything that is non-household related, ie you won't be paying for her car, kid etc. Tell her how the situation has made you feel and make it clear that if she does not wish to help with the bills then she must find somewhere else to live by the set date. I honestly don't know how you can want to be in a relationship with such a selfish, self-centred person. You may well find that if you put your foot down over this she no longer wishes to continue your relationship and if that's the case, you'll know she's been using you for ages.

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And I really dont want to make her lay rent, i want her to contribute voluntarily.

In the past she has always said 'why should I pay rent on someone else's house, you would pay these Bill's if I wasn't living here anyway'

This is a problem. Boiled down, simply, you want what she won't give.

 

She will never give willingly.

 

And her approach to it, IMHO, is not something someone in love with you would do. Where is the "we" in her thinking? This is much more fundamentally wrong than just who pays.

 

I think you need to get your thoughts together and head straight about how you are being treated and why this is ok with you?

 

I can understand loving someone and accepting their character flaws. none of us are perfect and we don't always do the right things but what the heck dude? She is walling off a while aspect of herself and she is a jerk about it. Don't you deserve better from a life partner? this is so petty.

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I mean, yall are right. I know this. I have known this.

Part of my question was if I am right to know her finances. It just seems like something normal couples share. I dont understand why she wont talk about it, and I wouldnt have even brought it up if she hadnt blamed my rent request for her being broke. The rent I requested is far less than any apartment she could rent btw. I only asked her about her finances so I could get a better understanding of what amount of rent she can afford.

 

Does she have a highly skilled job where she makes loads of money or does she have a menial job that pays poorly? You could probably make a reasonable guess on her income based on the type of job she has, if you really want to know. I dont know why she won't tell you how much she makes, it seems really odd to me too. I dont think that's the actual issue here, it's her total unwillingness to pay her part.

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Does she have a highly skilled job where she makes loads of money or does she have a menial job that pays poorly? You could probably make a reasonable guess on her income based on the type of job she has, if you really want to know. I dont know why she won't tell you how much she makes, it seems really odd to me too. I dont think that's the actual issue here, it's her total unwillingness to pay her part.

 

Yes this. Also does she do any gambling?

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I feel taken advantage of. What should I do?

 

There is nothing you can do. This is completely unenforceable.

 

You have a child with her, right? You're just going to evict her and therefore your child (not sure of age?) out onto the streets if she doesn't pay you rent? The only thing you can really do is quit paying for extras, like her car, and furniture, etc. As another poster pointed out, since you are not married you have no right to know her income or her financial situation in general. This simply went on too long and ground rules should have been identified in the beginning. Again, the only thing you can do going forward is watch the extras you're shelling out for.

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I'd hate to pull the legs off a spider, but it really is bewildering how this comes to a head after several years and a child together. Moreover, being the dark when it comes to the finances of the person you share a home and child with (and possibly custody of another kid?) is likewise mind-numbing. I get you're not married, but having some vague idea of what kind of financial security your child would have should something happen to you or even should you simply lose your job is pretty ****in' barebones need-to-know.

 

Sadly, how long you've been letting this dynamic run its course is inconsequential toward the reality that it needs to change, and for as unlikely as it will, it's even less likely you can achieve it by essentially trying to simply walk things back. Being firm doesn't mean you pick losing battles, though. For example, as crappy as it is that it seems she's offered you near-zero insight as to her financial health, if you haven't popped the question and signed the marriage certificate, she's correct that her line-item debits, credits, and balances are none of your business. And pushing for her to make them your business isn't solving any problems. Whether any of us takes your account as fact and chooses to collectively **** on her doesn't change the reality that you're far from working from the beginning here. You're heavily entrenched, and it's important to resist taking your eye off the ball and getting petty or otherwise simply offering her any excuse to deflect. And to add to that, none of us has any idea what kind of tone or communication tactics you're invoking which might exacerbate the inherent complications in shaking up a several-year long dynamic.

 

Again, having some form of insight into her ability to contribute to the overall livelihood of your child absolutely should be your business though, even if she can demonstrate it by contributing some fixed amount to monthly expenses. You don't even have to and probably shouldn't word it as "rent." You share a kid just as well as a roof, so there's plenty to justify a joint contribution beyond the mortgage payment coming due. And in lieu of that, I think it's perfectly reasonable to want some form of insight, even if by the means of maybe financial counseling for couples, where she could share her information with the intermediary, who then could work with both your financial realities while not divulging information she may not be comfortable sharing with a non-wed partner. Or even without going in deep on the finances, couples counseling in general. You guys have stretched the elastic band incredibly thin to be hoping to resolve it over coffee at the kitchen table.

 

At the end of the day, if she's not willing to come together at all on this, you'll have no choice but to count yourself solely responsible for your child's financial well-being, and thus will need to act as though you are. I can't tell you to what extent that means you need to pull back and best secure your financial health for the sake of the child, but at the very least, you've got no idea if you're only enabling her own bad financial habits by paying off cars and other expenses.

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Oh my goodness! You know why she's with you right? You are her gravy train. I have given men plenty of warning about financial Succubi like this. She's not going to give you one red cent. She's gonna find a lawyer and get you good. I don't know the laws there but in most cases you cannot force them to pay anything unless there was a written agreement AND you can't kick her out, AND she can make your life a living hell trying to get full custody of your kid. Get a lawyer because this relationship is at an end. And for the love of god don't marry her.

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I agree with all of you.

A caveat, she is bipolar, diagnosed and medicated, and is incredibly disorganized. She has a cash job, it's her own business. Part of the problem is she makes money everyday, sometimes 20, sometimes hundreds. According to her, she doesnt keep track of it and therefore doesnt know how much she is making. Plus there is the cost to run her business, which again is variable depending on how much she is making. Essentially she makes items from raw materials and sells them, and claims to not know how much she is spending or making. On that point I do tend to believe her just because she is very disorganized. She doesnt even have a house key because she keeps losing it, I've given her several and finally grew tired of changing the locks..in fact the other night when she left in a rage, I went to bed and she slept in her car for lack of a key.

Yesterday she agreed to go over her finances with me, tonight we tried to discuss it and I asked her some basic questions, in a neutral tone, and she told me to "leave her the alone" and went to bed.

I'm feeling rather defeated. It's a ridiculous situation.

I dont feel like she thinks I'm a gravy train, idk, maybe in in denial. I'd hate to think that is the case. The only reason she takes her bipolar meds is because I served her eviction papers several months ago because she is so out of control if shes not medicated. I told her either take the meds or leave.

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You are both in a team when you live together and also there is a child in there the kid needs to be the priority, living in a healthy household where both parents respect each other and take care of the family, but it seems she doesn't want to be part of the team anymore. You should have been treated like this for long , take some time off and think about it seriously it might not just be the expenses here.

Take care of the child, you need to consult a lawyer here and work on securing a good healthy future for the kid.

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