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Please bear with me on this lengthy and rant-like post.

 

My boyfriend lost his job yesterday after he got into a physical altercation with a few customers (he works retail security and the customers were attempting to steal something, which turned into a full-on fight between him and the thieves when he attempted to apprehend them). Basically, his manager was unhappy with how he handled the situation and he was placed on suspension. Yesterday, when he was permitted to explain what happened to his HR, he explained the situation in detail and essentially didn’t show any remorse for breaking company policy during the fight. At that point, the company decided to terminate him. He didn’t show any concern, regret, or worry at all and essentially just told me “it is what it is.” This made me extremely upset and irritated because it is now really compromising our financial situation and he doesn’t seem to understand how serious it is. My boyfriend and I have lived together for 3 years and in that time he has never contributed equally to our finances and I do all of the cooking and the majority of the cleaning. I also make sure all rent and bills are paid on time. When I told him I disagreed with how he handled the situation that led to his termination, he told me he understood why I would feel that way. I told him we are going to have trouble paying rent this month and asked him what we should do. His response was to shrug his shoulders and say “couldn’t tell ya.” He hasn’t spoken to me since that conversation and has been sulking and avoiding me at home. This is the second time this year that he has lost a job. Granted, the first time this year he was laid off due to financial tightening in his company during the pandemic, but I also saw that he put in minimal effort at that job and wouldn’t be surprised if that contributed to his being let go. I’m just frustrated that every time he acts cavalierly about his employment and loses a job, I have to be the one to come up with ways to make sure the bills are all paid and he shows almost no remorse or effort to help me. He also has an 8 year old son with another woman who stays with us on most weekends, which creates an even greater financial burden on me because it means I cook and clean for all three of us.

 

Looking for any advice or suggestions on how to talk with him about these concerns without him getting upset because it seems like anytime I even approach the subject, he tells me not to worry and everything will be ok. If I try to argue that point, he says that he feels he is being attacked and then he just tells me everything is my problem to deal with and just walks out of the room.

 

Thanks for your help.

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You have talked to him, repeatedly, he has done nothing because you have made that very easy for him. You cook, clean, and support him, why would he change? He has clearly shown you that he is lazy, irresponsible and doesn't really care about how you feel or how hard you work.

 

So how should you talk to him? Tell him to get out and get a roommate while you figure out why you are willing to put so much effort into a relationship that offers you very little, if anything, in return. And don't get into another relationship until you have that worked through.

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I'm sorry, but you've taught him that he can get away with having you as his meal ticket without having to experience any consequences. In other words he's disrespecting you majorly, and has your permission to do so.

 

The more important issue (imo) is why are you tolerating this behaviour, as well as accepting his breadcrumbs with open arms. I'd start by making an effort to raise the bar, while recognizing your self-worth.

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Why would he give up his gravy train? Despite your complaints, you remain in the relationship and pay all the bills and help support his child. Where are the negatives for him? All he has to do is put up with a bit of complaining from you, which he deals with by sulking and ignoring, and then things go right back to normal, with you paying for everything.

 

He will not change because he has no reason to.

 

I'd recommend thinking about how much longer you want to put up with this.

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He has major character flaws.

 

If someone worked regularly, was laid off due to COVID, and then got a new job in another field --wasn't a good fit at one place, so was let go, then found a place where they loved him and then the business closed -- that's different.

 

Welcome to life with this guy. Can you move in with your parents temporarily and leave? I would cancel all the unessential things like cable to reduce bills for now also. And i would have someone near by when you dump him in case he is violent or argumentative.

 

Honestly, though, you need to look up codependency -- after this relationship - you don't want to be an enabler to the next guy - paying bills, cooking and cleaning while he picks fights

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Why in the world are you with this loser? I don't get why any of this would be okay, other than that you enjoy raising a full-grown adult. This is who he is. He will NOT change. He has no respect for you, or himself. You have allowed this creep to take you for a ride.

 

Your self esteem is very low to accept a man of this quality. Stop supporting this lazy bum and end it. Be single for a long while to understand why you would choose someone like this. I agree with the co dependency bit.

 

What do your friends and family think of him?

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I'm sorry, but you've taught him that he can get away with having you as his meal ticket without having to experience any consequences. In other words he's disrespecting you majorly, and has your permission to do so.

 

The more important issue (imo) is why are you tolerating this behaviour, as well as accepting his breadcrumbs with open arms. I'd start by making an effort to raise the bar, while recognizing your self-worth.

 

This (and what everyone else has written). Why should he deign to talk to you about it -waste of time -his time -because there are no repercussions for him -you might whine/complain but you're going to keep letting him mooch off of you and blame everyone but himself for being fired/out of work. Don't talk -act - act on your own behalf - do you know your worth? I suspect not or you wouldn't be with this guy.

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When we love people, we see what they could be. But that's through our eyes. our ways of achieving our goals may not be their's.

 

I think the hardest part of this behavior for me would his saying these are my problems. I ask you, how are they are your problems? do you have money for rent? food? other needs?

 

Sounds like he has problems but you're letting it be your problem. That's your problem.

 

You're never going to make a slacker into a go-getter. There is nothing you can say. His coping mechanism, if you will, his way of dealing with problems, is to make it so uncomfortable, for you, to talk to him, that you don't. nice guy.

 

You're letting yourself be taken advantage of. hard times do happen and we are living through extremely hard times but these are the times when you see what people are made of.

 

Did he lose his job and then act like a man that has a gf and kid to provide for? no! he's not even providing for himself.

 

Honestly, you might love him but this is a good as it gets. This is your life with him. it won't change. you have to change boyfriends.

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Just more evidence that this would never have worked. What an awful father to use his own child like that.

 

Be prepared...once he realizes he won't have you to pay his way anymore he will likely start trying to win you back. After all there aren't too many women who would be willing to pay his way like you did. He will try different tactics; self pity, getting angry, accusing you of never really loving him, accusing you of abandoning him while he's down, he may even try the crying and sending you flowers routine. Do NOT fall for it. He wants his free ride, it won't be because he just loves you so gosh darned much.

 

Also, make sure you get him off any accounts, credit cards, phone plan, etc that he is on.

 

And stay strong. You absolutely did the right thing.

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Just more evidence that this would never have worked. What an awful father to use his own child like that.

 

Be prepared...once he realizes he won't have you to pay his way anymore he will likely start trying to win you back. After all there aren't too many women who would be willing to pay his way like you did. He will try different tactics; self pity, getting angry, accusing you of never really loving him, accusing you of abandoning him while he's down, he may even try the crying and sending you flowers routine. Do NOT fall for it. He wants his free ride, it won't be because he just loves you so gosh darned much.

 

Also, make sure you get him off any accounts, credit cards, phone plan, etc that he is on.

 

And stay strong. You absolutely did the right thing.

Good for you! And bolt is right. get ready for psycho behavior.

 

If there is one thing you know for sure about this guy, it's he can't handle anything.

 

Of course he would abuse, confuse and blame a child. because he isn't man enough to protect his own child. That's the sad part... this poor kid. Be glad you are not connected by your own child.

 

You deserve better. You are a full grown adult that pays her bills, handles conflict etc. Its gonna be rough... but remember he's helping you see what you're not gonna miss.

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Hi everybody above. I really took the advice to heart and ended things. It went about as well as you could expect a man-child to take things. He told his son that I hate him because I’m not his biological mom and then he stormed out in a blaze.

 

Good for you. I think that was the only logical choice. What a shame he had to take it out on his own child like that.

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Hi everybody above. I really took the advice to heart and ended things. It went about as well as you could expect a man-child to take things. He told his son that I hate him because I’m not his biological mom and then he stormed out in a blaze.

 

Good on you for losing the dead weight. You gave yourself a huge Christmas gift.

 

Now, you need to reflect on why you chose, and stayed with a man like this. If you don't address it, you will choose another user/loser.

 

Not only does this creep not support his child, he also treats him in a sadistic manner.

Edited by Hollyj
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Sorry to hear that. You dodged a bullet. He obviously has issues with impulsivity, temper tantrums, irresponsibility and maintaining a stable life for his child.

 

Good you ended it. Now you are free to date responsible even tempered men who compliment rather than confuse your life .

 

Avoid people who perpetually manufacturer the 4 "C"s:

 

Crisis

Chaos

Conflict

Clutter.

 

Look for the red flags 🚩 avoid them and your life will be a lot better .

Hi everybody above. I really took the advice to heart and ended things. It went about as well as you could expect a man-child to take things. He told his son that I hate him because I’m not his biological mom and then he stormed out in a blaze.
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I think the codependency thing mentioned in the above comments was really true for me, as I am having a horrible time coping with the break up. Last night was unfathomably horrible. After my frustrations and reading all of these comments that I should end it, everything just boiled over and I told him I couldn’t take being his maid, chef, and mother anymore and that I thought he was acting like a man child. This probably wasn’t the best timing as his son was over last night, but I was just at the complete tipping point. I didn’t say any of the above things in front of his son, but when I asked him to come over to talk to me quietly and privately, he totally ignored me and then said he would not be willing to talk to me. I told him “get out if you’re going to be like that.” And he immediately told his son to pack up his things and that I hate him. I said that was absolutely not true, but he just ignored me and stormed out in a whirlwind. It literally happened before I could even process it and I was just left standing there speechless. Now I’m honestly lost. We’ve been together so long and he was my best friend. My knee jerk reaction is to just basically beg him to get back together. He says he has no love left for me now and that we are 100% done. He hates me for what I did. Honestly if I were someone on the outside of this situation looking in, I would be like “girl, just block him and forget.” But it’s so much harder to do that when you’re on the inside of the situation and love the person. It’s honestly like going through a drug withdrawal process right now. It feels like I can’t even breathe. I shouldn’t even be feeling this way. I have a graduate degree and a successful career and my own place. I shouldn’t be letting a guy who doesn’t even have a degree or a steady job make me feel this way.

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You feel what you feel. You can only control how you choose to react to what you feel. How is it that he was your friend, let alone a best friend? Best friends aren't each other's mommies or maids for more than once in a blue moon. Please don't beat yourself up for feeling one way or another. Choose how you're going to react. Baby steps. When I was single I had a graduate degree, a successful career and my own place and was financially independent. And at the same time I felt very strongly that I wasn't going to be happy unless I did my utmost to find a husband and try to have a child. I was in my 30s at the time. Both feelings were true - I didn't tell myself not to feel unhappily single -that would have been a lie anyway. So I reacted to my feelings by being happy about my accomplishments and working towards my marriage/family goal.

 

So what are you going to do today other than contact your ex? Can you go for a walk? Do 4-7-8 breathing (Weil method -google it). Treat yourself to a lovely meal if you're hungry? Call a friend (but don't discuss the ex is my suggestion). What will you do despite how you are (validly!) feeling?

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I think I was also really cruel too by essentially kicking them both out. I meant it as a “if you’re going to just ignore me, then leave” kind of thing but it came out wrong and as soon as I said it, it was like he just totally exploded and I didn’t even have time to say anything else.

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This is great advice. I called my parents and basically told them I was upset and needed to see them. They are coming to pick me up and I’m spending some time with them. I’m considering temporarily moving back in with them just to stabilize myself emotionally.

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This is great advice. I called my parents and basically told them I was upset and needed to see them. They are coming to pick me up and I’m spending some time with them. I’m considering temporarily moving back in with them just to stabilize myself emotionally.

 

That's an excellent idea.

 

If a female friend treated you the way he does would you call her your "best friend"? He is not your friend. He is someone who expected you to pay for everything while he kicks back.

 

Please don't hide behind "I'm upset" with your parents. Tell them exactly what happened so they can give you support. And stop contacting him to beg him back. If you do, you are willingly signing up to pay for everything forever because he'll know you'll do anything, anything at all just to keep him because you don't love yourself.

 

And try to figure out why you don't love yourself. You seem accomplished and articulate. Why do you think a mooch is the best you can do?

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This is great advice. I called my parents and basically told them I was upset and needed to see them. They are coming to pick me up and I’m spending some time with them. I’m considering temporarily moving back in with them just to stabilize myself emotionally.

 

Excellent idea. I hope you feel better soon.

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