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What she did was kind although it's not going to feel like it. She knew based on your previous behavior that you'd probably try to contact her for some reason or another and she wanted to prevent that from happening.

 

And everyone says "let's stay 'friends'" mostly to avoid having the person they're breaking up with get emotional or cry or beg or promise to 'change'. They don't mean remain in constant contact or spend time together. It's meant to be letting the other person down easy, not a true intention.

 

Now you can move forward with no ties holding you back.

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Thanks.

In one way I am feeling a bit better as now I know even if I did want to reach out to her, I can't.

I still feel a little hurt by it all as it just seems so out of character for the person I got to know over these 5/6months. Obviously relationships end and that's to be expected it's just the way she has done it and acted since seem nothing like her.

 

I don't think you knew her well or long enough to know her character or patterns of behavior -(no I wouldn't count the time you spent before you met in person since the purpose of being in contact was to see if there was potential for romance not a friendship. The person you met does act impulsively -she had sex with you right away, she wanted you to meet her kids right away, etc - so in a way this is consistent with someone changing her mind/acting impulsively. My guess is she met someone new and doesn't want him to see messages from you.

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Turns out I'm not blocked and this has messed with my mind a little more.

I was on whatsapp earlier and clicked on her messages . Not sure why as there was no real need to. She appeared online briefly.

This threw me a little as the thought of being blocked kind of settled things in my mind. I'm going to sound really crazy here:

When we first split I sent her a message, she replied etc etc. A few days later i found myself feeling quite low and feeling nostalgic, I went on WhatsApp and saved some photos, read some messages etc. She didn't show online during this time and-being my own worst enemy, I was on there for a while- this didn't really matter at first but the following day I really started to overthink. She is someone that has her phone on her all the time, very active on social media and messaging. So that day I began to think she must have blocked me or switched her account to her other phone. I started to think maybe she had met someone else and had given her other number out as she remembers it better than the new one. Therefore not appearing active online.

 

So the day after I wanted to test my theory and went on WhatsApp again, reading messages etc. Now I know this is totally wrong of me and not normal. She wasnt showing online still so I was pretty much convinced I was now blocked or she was using the other phone. Then add the removal of me from FB and these ideas kind of felt backed up.

 

Now before we split she said the WiFi had gone down at home and was having to get fixed. Normal signal is non existent in her house. I experienced it first hand. You get 0 signal at all on mobile networks in her house!

So that was another potential for her not to be showing online but almost 2 weeks of no internet seems a little unlikely.

Now again, I can't stress enough how I know this isn't great behaviour from me and it bothers me I over analyze and act somewhat odd but seeing her online today just made me think, "So I'm not blocked...where has she been all week? She can't go without messaging on her phone for more than an hour! What's happened!?"

I absolutely hate I do this to myself as it shouldnt matter in the slightest but I make it become an issue in my mind.

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It's a choice, to some degree, to obsess like this, to spin around in a loop until it tightens.

 

Here's the thing. Whether you are blocked or unblocked; a FB or friend or not; whether she is offline because x, y, or z; and so on and so forth doesn't actually change a thing here, you know? You two didn't work. If you worked? You'd still be working. But you didn't, don't. It started crumbling pretty quickly, you held on a little too tight to extend it, and here you are, stuck to face the truth that you didn't want to face a few months ago.

 

Sucks. Hurts. But all the hyper analysis of phone stuff? That's just you adding to your own pain, continuing to find ways to make all this much, much bigger than it needs to be. I'd really explore that instinct, because it can get in the way of authentic connections, and connecting authentically. Makes it hard to see and respect people for who they are and what they offer you—or fail to offer—because you make everything about a story in your own head.

 

I'm prone to some ruminating myself, so rest assured none of that is offered in judgement. Speaking for myself, I know what's helped—aside from leaning on friends, non-romantic pursuits of passion, therapy, etc.—is just meeting the instinct to analyze with a simple statement: we did not work. Maybe try that next time you're interested in becoming a WhatsApp detective, since that's actually what you're going to discover. Sometimes accepting that simplest truth is the hardest thing, but it's how we grow, and how we clear the slate to make room for what we're really seeking.

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Sorry, I should rephrase that quote, not so much "where has she been all week" but more "that's weird she's been offline all week and since we split but reappears now-whats happened."

 

Mind-drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of is not against the law, it's just the opposite direction to feeling better.

 

I find it most helpful to step out of my own way by moving my focus onto showing up for someone else and helping them do stuff. It could be running an errand for a friend or neighbor, it could be cooking or baking something for someone, it could be cleaning up someone's yard--it could be helping out in my community.

 

Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. So waiting until you 'feel like it' is pointless, because it doesn't break the habit of rumination and feeling 'good' about feeling lousy.

 

Take baby steps toward moving your focus beyond this woman and beyond yourself. Reward yourself in some way for each step you take in the right direction.

 

Head high, you CAN do this.

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Mind-drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of is not against the law, it's just the opposite direction to feeling better.

 

I find it most helpful to step out of my own way by moving my focus onto showing up for someone else and helping them do stuff. It could be running an errand for a friend or neighbor, it could be cooking or baking something for someone, it could be cleaning up someone's yard--it could be helping out in my community.

 

Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. So waiting until you 'feel like it' is pointless, because it doesn't break the habit of rumination and feeling 'good' about feeling lousy.

 

Take baby steps toward moving your focus beyond this woman and beyond yourself. Reward yourself in some way for each step you take in the right direction.

 

Head high, you CAN do this.

 

Yes I agree. You have no idea what her patterns are and your assumptions are self-created. It's not weird for someone who is not in your life to do what she pleases whether you -who are not in her life -think it's typical of her behavior or otherwise. Yes- emotions follow behaviors - I agree!!

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You know what guys, tonight I've been thinking about why I'm so bothered and how I really shouldn't be.

It was a month/6 weeks of happiness and excitement.

The remainder was stressful and anxiety driving.

I'd purposefully stay of social media for days as didn't want to see her on there knowing she hadn't reached out to me all day.

 

I'd deliberately not call or text as I was waiting to see if she would bother.

 

Whenever I tried to make plans with her they always got changed, altered or cancelled by her.

 

I'd write notes on my phone expressing my worries and concerns that we weren't moving forward

 

When there was a text or call it was mainly instigated by me.

 

When she did instigate, it made me feel amazing as it was almost like a rush of, "wow, today she actually wants to speak to me-amazing!"

 

These type of things make me wonder why am I so bothered by something that literally was given up on by her shortly after its start!

 

The good points:

The first 6 weeks

The initial dating period

The days out we had even after the "slow down" request

The initial bond

Her kids

Her kindness (mainly at the start but there were still signs of it during its end)

Shared life goals

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Almost all of your "good points" were at the beginning, as you know. You've been holding onto something that disappeared weeks and weeks ago.

 

How much more of your life do you want to spend clinging to something that essentially ended that long ago? How much longer do you want to be in this relationship by yourself?

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Almost all of your "good points" were at the beginning, as you know. You've been holding onto something that disappeared weeks and weeks ago.

 

How much more of your life do you want to spend clinging to something that essentially ended that long ago? How much longer do you want to be in this relationship by yourself?

 

That's kind of what I'm saying. I really have no idea why something that was in reality very small has been bothering me that much.

If I was on the outside looking in I'd be saying everything you guys are.

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