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Thanks once again, I totally totally get everything you are saying.

My thing just seems to be, I don't get why it had to slow, what prompted it when she seemed so happy, why did it never pick back up despite her saying it would.

I partly feel responsible for not letting it progress by asking her if it ever would but at the same time I couldn't do any more or any less as we weren't seeing each other loads or anything!

 

Please read the previous posts- you may never know, she may not know. "Seemed happy" - yes for the first month or so she was. Many people are for the first month or so especially when sex is involved that early and the sex starts out as pleasurable. She never promised you anything. She simply slowed things down, you agreed to it (until you didn't), and expressed the hope that in the future perhaps things would progress. I don't get what you mean by "responsible." Her choice did not work for you from the get go because her choice was vague, no concrete plan, no concrete reason. It would have worked fine for you if you wanted the same thing - a casual arrangement where she saw you when it was convenient for her and when she felt like it. She put the brakes on -the person who feels less has the control. You could have chosen to walk away and told her that her choice did not work for you. You chose to settle for her offer and when you weren't comfortable with settling you started trying to get her to tell you when she would be ready. That's probably when she knew she needed to walk away because it's no fun to be asked that when you don't feel like giving more. She didn't feel like seeing you more, she didn't know if she ever would, she felt like meeting other people so she went with her feelings. Kind of like when two kids have a playdate, they're having a blast until one kid wants to play a different game, the other kid doesn't want to, the first kid asks "when do you think you'll want to play??" and the kid who doesn't want to decides that instead of listening to the other kid ask him "but when" he'll just end the playdate cause it's no fun anymore. It's really simple like that except that in your case you didn't step on any Legos on your way out.

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You're stuck on the same question..."why, why, why???"

 

You will not know why. You probably will never know why.

 

Think about how you're feeling right now. I'm sure you think the only way you'll feel better is to have her come back to you. But it's not. You can start to feel better when you accept one simple fact; this woman was not and is not the right woman for you. Ruminating endlessly will not change that simple fact.

 

Hopefully soon you'll get really tired of ruminating and decide to move past this. I'm sure this is no fun for you.

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Just going to encourage you, again, to explore some of what you've brought into this—namely, some guilt about your own past, and a desire, perhaps not conscious, to address that through romance. I say that because it's clear that you're struggling to see something that I'm sure you could see if you were reading someone else's story.

 

Here's maybe a way to think about it: Imagine you never met her children—which, as others have noted, would be more common than not in such a scenario. What would the story be here? A few exciting, hot, promising weeks that went sideways, sputtered out. Always sad, always frustrating. But also? It's the far more common scenario in romance than actually becoming a couple, a thing we deal with as adults in the same way we deal with taxes, parking tickets, rain during beach vacations, and so on.

 

While I don't think there's a hard science to it all, in general terms I think relationships have a few phases where things either combust or continue taking flight: two months in, six months in, a year in, two years in. The alchemy of what works, and doesn't, is always a bit mysterious. If you can get past these hurdles, your odds greatly improve for sincere, expansive partnership—though even then, of course, it's always a dice roll, as humans prove every day.

 

You two hit the skids at two months. Happens. Happened. We can point to all sorts of variables, but that doesn't change the facts: skids are skids. Imagine you'd be able to just accept that a lot easier if there wasn't this whole narrative around it all about family, kids, redemption, atonement, and so on. To my eyes, at least, it's that that you're struggling to let go, not her and the times you had. Thing is? I think if you can find a way to let go of that on your own, a bit, you'll find you'll make more space to connect more authentically, even when that just means accepting that a connection that seemed so authentic turned out to have shorter legs than you'd hoped for.

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Please read the previous posts- you may never know, she may not know. "Seemed happy" - yes for the first month or so she was. Many people are for the first month or so especially when sex is involved that early and the sex starts out as pleasurable. She never promised you anything. She simply slowed things down, you agreed to it (until you didn't), and expressed the hope that in the future perhaps things would progress. I don't get what you mean by "responsible." Her choice did not work for you from the get go because her choice was vague, no concrete plan, no concrete reason. It would have worked fine for you if you wanted the same thing - a casual arrangement where she saw you when it was convenient for her and when she felt like it. She put the brakes on -the person who feels less has the control. You could have chosen to walk away and told her that her choice did not work for you. You chose to settle for her offer and when you weren't comfortable with settling you started trying to get her to tell you when she would be ready. That's probably when she knew she needed to walk away because it's no fun to be asked that when you don't feel like giving more. She didn't feel like seeing you more, she didn't know if she ever would, she felt like meeting other people so she went with her feelings. Kind of like when two kids have a playdate, they're having a blast until one kid wants to play a different game, the other kid doesn't want to, the first kid asks "when do you think you'll want to play??" and the kid who doesn't want to decides that instead of listening to the other kid ask him "but when" he'll just end the playdate cause it's no fun anymore. It's really simple like that except that in your case you didn't step on any Legos on your way out.

 

I love the playdate example. Totally get that. Sorry I'm sounding like a stuck record. The more I analyze my crazy mindset the more I realise I think it boils down to acceptance.

I find it hard to accept that someone that claimed to love me, want me, appreciate me, could have a change of heart without giving any justifiable reason.

Obviously she is totally entitled to change her mind and do as she wishes. She is her own person. It's just the knowing someone else could be the one for her rather than me weighs heavy sometimes.

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Just going to encourage you, again, to explore some of what you've brought into this—namely, some guilt about your own past, and a desire, perhaps not conscious, to address that through romance. I say that because it's clear that you're struggling to see something that I'm sure you could see if you were reading someone else's story.

 

Here's maybe a way to think about it: Imagine you never met her children—which, as others have noted, would be more common than not in such a scenario. What would the story be here? A few exciting, hot, promising weeks that went sideways, sputtered out. Always sad, always frustrating. But also? It's the far more common scenario in romance than actually becoming a couple, a thing we deal with as adults in the same way we deal with taxes, parking tickets, rain during beach vacations, and so on.

 

While I don't think there's a hard science to it all, in general terms I think relationships have a few phases where things either combust or continue taking flight: two months in, six months in, a year in, two years in. The alchemy of what works, and doesn't, is always a bit mysterious. If you can get past these hurdles, your odds greatly improve for sincere, expansive partnership—though even then, of course, it's always a dice roll, as humans prove every day.

 

You two hit the skids at two months. Happens. Happened. We can point to all sorts of variables, but that doesn't change the facts: skids are skids. Imagine you'd be able to just accept that a lot easier if there wasn't this whole narrative around it all about family, kids, redemption, atonement, and so on. To my eyes, at least, it's that that you're struggling to let go, not her and the times you had. Thing is? I think if you can find a way to let go of that on your own, a bit, you'll find you'll make more space to connect more authentically, even when that just means accepting that a connection that seemed so authentic turned out to have shorter legs than you'd hoped for.

 

Wow. I love this post.

Yeah, I loved everything about us being a collective. She often referred to us as "The team" and would sign off text messages with things like #dreamteam alluding to me, her and her kids. It made me feel part of something and with how affectionate she was being made me feel that this was something amazing.

I didn't wanna loose this and with the constant encouragement she gave me about our future etc, I was falling even deeper.

 

I should have taken a step back rather than being pulled forwards

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What would you consider to be a "justifiable reason"?

 

You don't think someone can just realize the other person isn't the right fit? There has to be something you consider to be "justifiable"?

 

Oh I mean if she was to say, "I can't do this anymore." Or "we need to talk about us" or "I don't think we are working because....." Then I could possibly have found things to work on . With my ex, when we hit a rough patch, we talked about it , came to a solution and worked on it.

With this it felt like a change in feelings was an immediate full stop when it could have been more of a brief pause and a chance to asses and reset

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I love the playdate example. Totally get that. Sorry I'm sounding like a stuck record. The more I analyze my crazy mindset the more I realise I think it boils down to acceptance.

I find it hard to accept that someone that claimed to love me, want me, appreciate me, could have a change of heart without giving any justifiable reason.

Obviously she is totally entitled to change her mind and do as she wishes. She is her own person. It's just the knowing someone else could be the one for her rather than me weighs heavy sometimes.

 

Would it weigh so hard if you knew she did you a favor and in a few months, you'll meet someone else? that is 100% in for the long haul with you?

 

I think instead of fretting that you lost love, you could consider it a dodged bullet.

 

Sure. Rejection sucks. It messes with your head and self confidence. It takes a lot to overcome it, but we all do.

 

This woman convinced you she loved you in two months and then jerked you around for a couple more. that is not love. those are words that are exciting and fun to say... she didn't have the actions to back it up. she loved you? no. she loved being in limerance.

 

So what did you lose? A liability. Now you can work on yourself and find real love with someone else.

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Would it weigh so hard if you knew she did you a favor and in a few months, you'll meet someone else? that is 100% in for the long haul with you?

 

I think instead of fretting that you lost love, you could consider it a dodged bullet.

 

Sure. Rejection sucks. It messes with your head and self confidence. It takes a lot to overcome it, but we all do.

 

This woman convinced you she loved you in two months and then jerked you around for a couple more. that is not love. those are words that are exciting and fun to say... she didn't have the actions to back it up. she loved you? no. she loved being in limerance.

 

So what did you lose? A liability. Now you can work on yourself and find real love with someone else.

 

Thank you, that means an awful lot x

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Oh I mean if she was to say, "I can't do this anymore." Or "we need to talk about us" or "I don't think we are working because....." Then I could possibly have found things to work on . With my ex, when we hit a rough patch, we talked about it , came to a solution and worked on it.

With this it felt like a change in feelings was an immediate full stop when it could have been more of a brief pause and a chance to asses and reset

 

She didn't want to "work on it". She ended it.

 

And, as Lambert said, she actually did you a favor even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Think about it...do you want a relationship with a woman who you have to convince or that would require you to "change" in order for it to work? Or do you want a woman who is 100% all in and is sure she wants to be with you and only you?

 

Imagine a wonderful woman who is cute, fun, funny, smart and is all about you. Doesn't that sound amazing?

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Echoing what Bolt said:

 

"Ruminating endlessly will not change that simple fact.

 

Hopefully soon you'll get really tired of ruminating and decide to move past this. I'm sure this is no fun for you."

 

And , RB, do you not realise how stagey this sounds:

 

"She often referred to us as "The team" and would sign off text messages with things like #dreamteam alluding to me, her and her kids. "

 

You say,and at least I am glad you put the word "claimed" in there:

 

"I find it hard to accept that someone that claimed to love me, want me, appreciate me, could have a change of heart without giving any justifiable reason."

 

And you remark:

 

"..knowing someone else could be the one for her rather than me weighs heavy sometimes."

 

Look RB, there is rarely a "one" for these dramatic types. People find them tiring.

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Hey all,

Was my bday yesterday so took a day off from seeking advice!

Had a little bit of a wobble and felt a bit low about life etc.

A question I have today may seem largely irrelevant but I'm concerned I'll come across the wrong way to the ex.

Basically, last time she visited, her daughter took one of my son's soft toys with her. No problem at all. My son is quite attached to it but I guess he will forget about it at one stage or other.

The ex was due to drop it round next time she saw me but obviously that isn't happening anymore.

Would it seem reasonable for me to ask her to post it or would that come across as just an attempt to make contact?!

What do you guys think?!

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Happy Birthday!

 

Yes, it will be viewed as what it is...a ploy to get her to communicate with you again. My guess is, if you do go through with this plot and she responds, you will start contacting her again. And again. Because you'll tell yourself "she wouldn't have answered me if she was mad at me. Maybe she's sorry she broke up with me! I think there might still be some 'hope' here!"

 

She will see right through it.

 

People come up with all sorts of excuses to make contact, most of which are not truly necessary.

 

You can buy your son another toy. And you can retain your dignity as well.

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Happy Birthday!

 

Yes, it will be viewed as what it is...a ploy to get her to communicate with you again. My guess is, if you do go through with this plot and she responds, you will start contacting her again. And again. Because you'll tell yourself "she wouldn't have answered me if she was mad at me. Maybe she's sorry she broke up with me! I think there might still be some 'hope' here!"

 

She will see right through it.

 

People come up with all sorts of excuses to make contact, most of which are not truly necessary.

 

You can buy your son another toy. And you can retain your dignity as well.

 

Thanks, that's kind of what I was thinking. I certainly didn't want it to come across that way but could understand that it might

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Happy Birthday!

 

Yes, it will be viewed as what it is...a ploy to get her to communicate with you again. My guess is, if you do go through with this plot and she responds, you will start contacting her again. And again. Because you'll tell yourself "she wouldn't have answered me if she was mad at me. Maybe she's sorry she broke up with me! I think there might still be some 'hope' here!"

 

She will see right through it.

 

People come up with all sorts of excuses to make contact, most of which are not truly necessary.

 

You can buy your son another toy. And you can retain your dignity as well.

 

I agree. Happy Birthday!

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Thanks all.

 

Well even if I did decide to ask her about my son's toy, it looks like I can't as she has now blocked me on everything. I hadn't even reached out to her so I found it a little out of order!

I've respected her space and just left her to it since she ended it

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Chiming in with a belated HBD! Not sure if the numbers in your name refer to a birth year, but, if so, what an awesome birthday to celebrate! Beginning of a new chapter—and, regardless of whether my math is right, a great moment to mark the end of this chapter.

 

As for the blocking? Shrug it off. Everyone deals with this stuff differently, and, in time, it all comes to mean the same thing: two people who didn't quite work, and need a minute to work through that.

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No didn't try to contact her but where I sent the message congratulating her son, I noticed the notification vanished shortly after. I then went to her FB profile and we were no longer friends

I then considered whatsapping her just to say , "I thought you still wanted us to be friends but you remove me from FB" I didn't but when I clicked on her as I considered writing it. I noticed I was blocked

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Well, unfortunately she's done half the job of severing ties.

 

Now you can do your part and delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

 

Don't try to "stay friends" or use kid's birthdays as a backdoor to continue this.

 

A clean break is much better for you in the long run.

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Well, unfortunately she's done half the job of severing ties.

 

Now you can do your part and delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

 

Don't try to "stay friends" or use kid's birthdays as a backdoor to continue this.

 

A clean break is much better for you in the long run.

 

You know what, I don't have any connections to any of her people. There is an extremely high chance, due to where she lives that we will never see each other again!

 

I did find it odd that 5/6 months in I hadn't met let alone even spoke to her family or friends.

Obviously covid puts pay to a fair few things but I'd have thought if this was meant to be going somewhere there would have been more inclusion

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You know what, I don't have any connections to any of her people. There is an extremely high chance, due to where she lives that we will never see each other again!

 

I did find it odd that 5/6 months in I hadn't met let alone even spoke to her family or friends.

Obviously covid puts pay to a fair few things but I'd have thought if this was meant to be going somewhere there would have been more inclusion

 

I thought you only dated for a couple of months? Once she wanted to slow down after the first month or so I'm certain she wouldn't have wanted you to meet her people -way too awkward/complicated. I hope you're feeling better about things.

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I thought you only dated for a couple of months? Once she wanted to slow down after the first month or so I'm certain she wouldn't have wanted you to meet her people -way too awkward/complicated. I hope you're feeling better about things.

 

Thanks.

In one way I am feeling a bit better as now I know even if I did want to reach out to her, I can't.

I still feel a little hurt by it all as it just seems so out of character for the person I got to know over these 5/6months. Obviously relationships end and that's to be expected it's just the way she has done it and acted since seem nothing like her.

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It is hard to think you might not see them again. But honestly I'm sure you have other people you don't see, keep in touch with etc. And you're fine.

 

Try to stop being so dramatic with yourself and your thoughts. you don't know what's going to happen.... but the funny thing about life is, it always gets better. Things seem one way but in time, they are another.

 

if you're in the states, do you watch a million little things on abc? it's a little bit of a downer show lol. I don't know why I watch it. anyway, the one character told the other:

 

"keep your brain where your body is."

 

I thought that was pretty good advice...

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