Here I am again...

[Wiseman2]

Don't worry about how people end it. Text may be a way to avoid negotiations and arguments. Besides, since you don't drive, in person is more complicated.

 

How did she feel about your living and childcare arrangements?

 

She seems like a single parent who is quite overwhelmed and usually that means when juggling too much, the weakest link has to go. That of course wouldn't be her kids,work, basic survival. It would be dating.

 

For a long time she's told you how overwhelmed, busy, etc she is. Yet you called and texted and wanted more as she pumped the brakes.

 

Agree. Don't stay friends. She thinks you're a nice guy, doesn't want to hurt you but had to pull the plug on the incompatibly sooner or later.

 

Shake yourself off. Get on some quality paid dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting women. This time seek out perhaps childless women or at least someone without full custody.

 

Also adjust your criteria for age and location. If you can't drive, make sure it's easy to date with public transportation.

[Rb1980]

Don't worry about how people end it. Text may be a way to avoid negotiations and arguments. Besides, since you don't drive, in person is more complicated.

 

How did she feel about your living and childcare arrangements?

 

She seems like a single parent who is quite overwhelmed and usually that means when juggling too much, the weakest link has to go. That of course wouldn't be her kids,work, basic survival. It would be dating.

 

For a long time she's told you how overwhelmed, busy, etc she is. Yet you called and texted and wanted more as she pumped the brakes.

 

Agree. Don't stay friends. She thinks you're a nice guy, doesn't want to hurt you but had to pull the plug on the incompatibly sooner or later.

 

Shake yourself off. Get on some quality paid dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting women. This time seek out perhaps childless women or at least someone without full custody.

 

Also adjust your criteria for age and location. If you can't drive, make sure it's easy to date with public transportation.

 

Thanks.

What you have put here is more or less exactly what she put in the text.

It read: "I can't do this anymore. Too much is happening and going on so something has to give and it has to be this. I'm happy to still be friends. I'm sure you can appreciate all I have going on with the kids."

 

I replied to that saying how of course I accept all that happens with the kids but id appreciate the opportunity to at least talk about it.

To which she replied, "I really don't want to plus I'm just collecting them from school."

 

I know things haven't been perfect between us and as mentioned, I probably shouldn't be as bothered by it as what I am considering it wasn't what you'd call a normal relationship. It wasn't really going anywhere.

It's just-and I think this may be a mental health issue of mine- the feeling of being rejected, unwanted, replaced or similar really hurts. It makes me feel really rubbish about myself.

[Rb1980]

Don't worry about how people end it. Text may be a way to avoid negotiations and arguments. Besides, since you don't drive, in person is more complicated.

 

How did she feel about your living and childcare arrangements?

 

She seems like a single parent who is quite overwhelmed and usually that means when juggling too much, the weakest link has to go. That of course wouldn't be her kids,work, basic survival. It would be dating.

 

For a long time she's told you how overwhelmed, busy, etc she is. Yet you called and texted and wanted more as she pumped the brakes.

 

Agree. Don't stay friends. She thinks you're a nice guy, doesn't want to hurt you but had to pull the plug on the incompatibly sooner or later.

 

Shake yourself off. Get on some quality paid dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting women. This time seek out perhaps childless women or at least someone without full custody.

 

Also adjust your criteria for age and location. If you can't drive, make sure it's easy to date with public transportation.

 

Sorry forgot to add, my living arrangements and childcare didn't bother her at all.

In terms of compatibility I think this is where I'm a bit lost as we actually got on really well, had the same sense of humour and both ticked the boxes of what we were looking for.

She wanted someone to accept her and her support her and her kids, to show love and affection etc etc, I did all those and she loved it. Then the sudden "we need to slow down" came about and I didn't know why as she was the one initiating the speedy start, I kind of just followed her lead.

Maybe as a previous comment mentioned, as I carried on with a sort of intensity and professing love etc for her, it could well have pushed her away.

[Batya33]

Sorry forgot to add, my living arrangements and childcare didn't bother her at all.

In terms of compatibility I think this is where I'm a bit lost as we actually got on really well, had the same sense of humour and both ticked the boxes of what we were looking for.

She wanted someone to accept her and her support her and her kids, to show love and affection etc etc, I did all those and she loved it. Then the sudden "we need to slow down" came about and I didn't know why as she was the one initiating the speedy start, I kind of just followed her lead.

Maybe as a previous comment mentioned, as I carried on with a sort of intensity and professing love etc for her, it could well have pushed her away.

 

So the issue here as I see it is as one of perspective. You did an insta relationship where you met the kids wayyyy too soon -for their best interests - you had and have no experience with this person over any real period of time - you were together a few months and then she pulled back. So you didn't support her and her kids for any real length of time and not over time - and over time as you know is crucial with kids -so much -good and bad -can happen and shift -like covid, for example or someone gets sick or someone has a growth spurt, or is bullied or bullies.

 

Of course she loved it -many people love lots of things for the short term. Many for example gushed for the first month or so about how awesome it was to be in quarrantine for all the smell the roses stuff -family time, no commuting, no "rushing" - I mean after all we only had to do this for a few months right? Then the novelty wore off, then reality set in (I never ever felt this way about it - but many did so it's an example) - and now we have "pandemic fatigue" and now all those new hobbies aren't so shiny and new and now people are making excuses to go out and live their "normal lives." So here she loved the newness, the intensity, you playing at being Daddy, the two of you giggling and playing at being a couple. You didn't "do all of those things" -not in any long term way, not in any committed way. It's like my son saying "if I behave all day today can I get [reward]" -it's easy to behave for one day. Try months.

 

Also she told you what she wanted - but you don't know if this is what she truly wanted or told herself she wanted. "accept me and support me and my kids" is so broad - catch phrases, cliches. And said to a man she just met and had sex with the first time they met (no the typing and talking beforehand doesn't count -you two were for all practical purposes strangers and she had sex with a stranger who could have been unstable and hurt her/her kids). So please don't go with what she said she wanted. Especially not with all the hormones raging. And don't use the excuse of following her lead -you are an adult, you can control your own pace, you can decide that you're not going to do the insta relationship with a single mom of kids -including kids with special needs. You chose this course because insta relationship are fun and light and fluffy and you can check off boxes at the speed of light -want love and support and affection for you and your kids - woo hoo I can do that -see I'm doing it and it's already been two whole weeks!! Think about it.

 

Of course it stings to be or feel rejected - only you can decide whether meeting people and eventually being vulnerable is worth the risk. I'm sorry you feel that way.

[Rb1980]

So the issue here as I see it is as one of perspective. You did an insta relationship where you met the kids wayyyy too soon -for their best interests - you had and have no experience with this person over any real period of time - you were together a few months and then she pulled back. So you didn't support her and her kids for any real length of time and not over time - and over time as you know is crucial with kids -so much -good and bad -can happen and shift -like covid, for example or someone gets sick or someone has a growth spurt, or is bullied or bullies.

 

Of course she loved it -many people love lots of things for the short term. Many for example gushed for the first month or so about how awesome it was to be in quarrantine for all the smell the roses stuff -family time, no commuting, no "rushing" - I mean after all we only had to do this for a few months right? Then the novelty wore off, then reality set in (I never ever felt this way about it - but many did so it's an example) - and now we have "pandemic fatigue" and now all those new hobbies aren't so shiny and new and now people are making excuses to go out and live their "normal lives." So here she loved the newness, the intensity, you playing at being Daddy, the two of you giggling and playing at being a couple. You didn't "do all of those things" -not in any long term way, not in any committed way. It's like my son saying "if I behave all day today can I get [reward]" -it's easy to behave for one day. Try months.

 

Also she told you what she wanted - but you don't know if this is what she truly wanted or told herself she wanted. "accept me and support me and my kids" is so broad - catch phrases, cliches. And said to a man she just met and had sex with the first time they met (no the typing and talking beforehand doesn't count -you two were for all practical purposes strangers and she had sex with a stranger who could have been unstable and hurt her/her kids). So please don't go with what she said she wanted. Especially not with all the hormones raging. And don't use the excuse of following her lead -you are an adult, you can control your own pace, you can decide that you're not going to do the insta relationship with a single mom of kids -including kids with special needs. You chose this course because insta relationship are fun and light and fluffy and you can check off boxes at the speed of light -want love and support and affection for you and your kids - woo hoo I can do that -see I'm doing it and it's already been two whole weeks!! Think about it.

 

Of course it stings to be or feel rejected - only you can decide whether meeting people and eventually being vulnerable is worth the risk. I'm sorry you feel that way.

 

I think you may have hit the nail on the head with part of that. Yeah it was a bit insta relationship and I guess I bought right into that.

It's just, I'm guessing, that the reason for it slowing never was clear to me. Yeah I understand about the issues with the kids so I respect and understand that. It's just 3 months of that slow down or loss of the novelty factor didn't make sense to me as when we did see each other the kids were asking if I could come to theirs , stay over, come to play etc.

I was still ticking the boxes that she wanted ticked when we got together. The main one being "I need my kids to accept you if this is going to work"

So I understand her mindset to a point and I have to respect it. It's just the not knowing what else caused cold feet that gets me as i was genuinely thinking I was doing everything right for the good of the relationship

[boltnrun]

Unfortunately, people are free to end relationships at any time and for any reason. It's not fun and it hurts but that's just the way it is.

 

I see you're still referring to how things were when you got together. She told you multiple times that things had changed, yet you're still stuck on the beginning. Things changed for her, she told you they had changed, you just didn't want to accept it and still don't.

 

But all of that doesn't make any difference because she chose to end it.

 

I'm sorry, I can detect that you're very hurt and heartbroken. We have all been through it, we had to just dust ourselves off at some point and decide it's best to move forward. I'm sure you will in time.

[Batya33]

I think you may have hit the nail on the head with part of that. Yeah it was a bit insta relationship and I guess I bought right into that.

It's just, I'm guessing, that the reason for it slowing never was clear to me. Yeah I understand about the issues with the kids so I respect and understand that. It's just 3 months of that slow down or loss of the novelty factor didn't make sense to me as when we did see each other the kids were asking if I could come to theirs , stay over, come to play etc.

I was still ticking the boxes that she wanted ticked when we got together. The main one being "I need my kids to accept you if this is going to work"

So I understand her mindset to a point and I have to respect it. It's just the not knowing what else caused cold feet that gets me as i was genuinely thinking I was doing everything right for the good of the relationship

 

No, you weren't doing "everything right" -anyway there's no such thing -or rarely. Because it's two humans. Getting involved with the kids as soon as you did was a big mistake IMO - on both your ends -kids don't "get dating" they "get attached" - so doing the right thing for the good of the potentially long term relationship probably should have looked like this - dating in public when she had a sitter/dad had the kids, and if a woman tells you her kids need to "accept" you it's your turn to say "I don't feel comfortable meeting them yet other than maybe a polite introduction as your "friend" -briefly. Let's see where we are in 6 months or more and then maybe I can meet them for a longer time.

Many people get cold feet early on especially if sex happens right away and the insta-relationship stuff besides. And I am baffled as to why the kids asking you questions has any bearing on this. My son asks for lots of stuff because..... he's a kid - he looks to us and the adults in his life to provide boundaries and structure. He'll say sometimes half-resigned "are you going to make me??" when I tell him yes he has to go out for a long walk given all the pandemic-screen time. He means, actually, that he likes that I am "making him" for his own good. He prefers that to having to go back and forth with his kid tween brain "ugh I don't want to go out/but I know I should."

 

If a woman tells you she needs her kids to accept you tell her you completely understand and as an adult you don''t think it's in the best interests of children to see their mom dating/being romantically involved with someone she is not engaged to with a wedding date in the near future -at least -that it's confusing and if they get attached you would feel awful. Right?

[Rb1980]

No, you weren't doing "everything right" -anyway there's no such thing -or rarely. Because it's two humans. Getting involved with the kids as soon as you did was a big mistake IMO - on both your ends -kids don't "get dating" they "get attached" - so doing the right thing for the good of the potentially long term relationship probably should have looked like this - dating in public when she had a sitter/dad had the kids, and if a woman tells you her kids need to "accept" you it's your turn to say "I don't feel comfortable meeting them yet other than maybe a polite introduction as your "friend" -briefly. Let's see where we are in 6 months or more and then maybe I can meet them for a longer time.

Many people get cold feet early on especially if sex happens right away and the insta-relationship stuff besides. And I am baffled as to why the kids asking you questions has any bearing on this. My son asks for lots of stuff because..... he's a kid - he looks to us and the adults in his life to provide boundaries and structure. He'll say sometimes half-resigned "are you going to make me??" when I tell him yes he has to go out for a long walk given all the pandemic-screen time. He means, actually, that he likes that I am "making him" for his own good. He prefers that to having to go back and forth with his kid tween brain "ugh I don't want to go out/but I know I should."

 

If a woman tells you she needs her kids to accept you tell her you completely understand and as an adult you don''t think it's in the best interests of children to see their mom dating/being romantically involved with someone she is not engaged to with a wedding date in the near future -at least -that it's confusing and if they get attached you would feel awful. Right?

 

Thanks, I really appreciate all you are saying, I really do.

In your last paragraph you mention about the kids seeing mum dating and I think that's another reason she slowed the pace. She was worried the kids would get too attached and if the relationship broke down, then they would be a little confused. I respect that and I did see where she was coming from with that side of things. It was just that it never moved back out of first gear .

Additionally, you reference the kids asking questions. It was moreso that they felt comfortable or as you say, attached to me so it felt like a good rapport was building between all of us (me, the ex and the kids)so in my mind the relationship was going in the direction we both said we wanted it to.

 

To be 100% honest, when we got together I did think her intensity or keenness was a little much. One night in bed she was saying, "I guarantee you'll have fallen for me within a month." I found this a little odd but treated it as banter as we often joked about future based stuff (she would WhatsApp me pics of rings and say stuff like...."get saving!"

Eventually, yes I did fall for her in a big way and I think it's this that has made me feel the way I do now. She turned on her charm to get me. It worked and then she backed off for the various reasons. Leaving me dangling , missing the feelings of love, lust, fun and excitement that had been flowing so freely.

[Batya33]

Once again you're referring to a very short period of time when she was into you - easy for lots of stuff and feelings to flow freely for a short amount of time.

[Rb1980]

Once again you're referring to a very short period of time when she was into you - easy for lots of stuff and feelings to flow freely for a short amount of time.

 

Yeah I know I am. I was thinking about this last night and came to the conclusion (and I could be wrong) that if when she had wanted things to slow down, she had in fact said, "I don't think this will work/I'm not sure if I can be in a relationship" and expressed how she felt a little clearer. It either could have been worked on or we go separate ways. Instead she kept saying she wanted it but did nothing to try and make it balanced or reciprocate any efforts I put in. So with me trying to make a go of a relationship, I came across as you say, smothering etc. That was never the intention at all. I was just trying to move forward.

 

I'm guessing my.ultimate concern in my head is "why did she go off me?, Why am I not a good partner, why would she not want me?"

I hadn't felt I had done any wrong. I went slow for her, left her to do her own thing and just tried to do what I thought was right

[Jibralta]

Yeah I know I am. I was thinking about this last night and came to the conclusion (and I could be wrong) that if when she had wanted things to slow down, she had in fact said, "I don't think this will work/I'm not sure if I can be in a relationship" and expressed how she felt a little clearer. It either could have been worked on or we go separate ways. Instead she kept saying she wanted it but did nothing to try and make it balanced or reciprocate any efforts I put in. So with me trying to make a go of a relationship, I came across as you say, smothering etc. That was never the intention at all. I was just trying to move forward.

 

That's a really difficult situation. Actually, another person posted here not long ago, from the other side of that dilemma. He let a relationship drag on for months when he was pretty sure he didn't want to be with the girl. Might be worth reading, just to gain an insight into why someone would do this: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565274

 

I'm guessing my.ultimate concern in my head is "why did she go off me?, Why am I not a good partner, why would she not want me?"

 

You really should resist the temptation to frame the problem this way. It's not helpful to you.

 

I went slow for her, left her to do her own thing and just tried to do what I thought was right

 

That's all any of us can do.

[Batya33]

Yeah I know I am. I was thinking about this last night and came to the conclusion (and I could be wrong) that if when she had wanted things to slow down, she had in fact said, "I don't think this will work/I'm not sure if I can be in a relationship" and expressed how she felt a little clearer. It either could have been worked on or we go separate ways. Instead she kept saying she wanted it but did nothing to try and make it balanced or reciprocate any efforts I put in. So with me trying to make a go of a relationship, I came across as you say, smothering etc. That was never the intention at all. I was just trying to move forward.

 

I'm guessing my.ultimate concern in my head is "why did she go off me?, Why am I not a good partner, why would she not want me?"

I hadn't felt I had done any wrong. I went slow for her, left her to do her own thing and just tried to do what I thought was right

 

So yes she could have expressed things with more clarity -and you could have chosen to watch her body language and her actions -less calls, less responsiveness -and backed off on your own. Then you could have taken space and would not have continued to be as attached.

 

I agree with Jibralta. Excellent post. I concur!!

[boltnrun]

You chose to hang on weeks after you had a pretty good idea of what was going on. That was a choice you made, she didn't make you keep trying to force it to work.

 

Ignoring what's right in front of you doesn't serve you well, as you've found. Be your own best friend and don't try to pretend everything is fine when it clearly isn't.

[Rb1980]

You chose to hang on weeks after you had a pretty good idea of what was going on. That was a choice you made, she didn't make you keep trying to force it to work.

 

Ignoring what's right in front of you doesn't serve you well, as you've found. Be your own best friend and don't try to pretend everything is fine when it clearly isn't.

 

Yeah, you are totally right and to be honest, no relationship is fun if you spend everyday of the past few weeks wondering if she will speak with you, whether you will see her soon or if things are going to progress. I spent time writing notes on my phone of my concerns and writing potential text messages to send her.

This to me clearly shows I wasn't totally happy. To be honest I know I wasn't.

I am the victim of my own weakness really. I do love and care for her and maybe it's the fact that I know she was/is on the dating site or that she chose to dump me that makes me feel so rubbish about it.

As someone said on here once before to me, maybe I just wanted the feeling or knowledge that I was in a relationship.

 

I hate bombarding you guys with messages but I really appreciate the advice!

I know I refer an awful lot to "how it was" but trying to make sense of it all, I think one of the only reasons I do that is because it was so good, better than how any other relationship had started, that I was really happy and just wanted it to keep building. When she put the brakes on I just couldn't understand why. We were both giving each other what we wanted and if I could share some of the conversations we had you would see the spark and click that we were enjoying.

Constantly telling me how "nobody has ever treated me and the kids so nicely. It means the world " or "I really hope we can build a future with of us." All things like that obviously make you feel great so when it stopped being like that, I wanted it back and I guess tried too hard.

[Batya33]

What you wrote was very telling. You keep describing this as if you had a long term relationship before she went distant. And now you admit that you loved the beginning part -you wanted to "build" on it but you were very attached to the infatuation and newness and newness-related intensity. Many people have great rapport and can click for a short period of time especially when sex happens right away. Beginnings can be lovely and often have no relation to what things would be like long term - sometimes they do but having sex right away and playing at being a couple makes it more likely for things to crash early on.

[Rb1980]

What you wrote was very telling. You keep describing this as if you had a long term relationship before she went distant. And now you admit that you loved the beginning part -you wanted to "build" on it but you were very attached to the infatuation and newness and newness-related intensity. Many people have great rapport and can click for a short period of time especially when sex happens right away. Beginnings can be lovely and often have no relation to what things would be like long term - sometimes they do but having sex right away and playing at being a couple makes it more likely for things to crash early on.

 

Thank you.

Well the last paragraph kind of matches to what she actually said. When she asked for it to slow down we had a few chats about it.

One of the reasons, she said, was because she really didn't want to ruin this and felt we had rushed things to much.

Other times the chat turned to sex as after the initial few weeks/month the sex stopped. She said she didn't know why she didn't want it and at first she said it concerned her as it's unhealthy to not want sex in a relationship. she then started to say she just felt like she had gone off it altogether and with the kids struggling as well as her not seeing me as much, the idea of sex didn't really bother her that much, add to this, she expressed to me when we were getting to know each other that she can get very shy about sex.

[Batya33]

The problem is again she was comparing this -and you were -to as if this was a sexual problem in the context of a long term/serious relationship. You barely knew each other and got bare right away. So her not wanting sex after a few weeks has nothing to do with what couples do with sexual issues in a relationship - it has to do with whether a person who's had intercourse for a few weeks with a new person now realizes she's not enjoying it. Just like someone who chooses not to go on a 5th or 6th date despite having fun the first four - has nothing to do with "relationships" -it's simply that in a new arrangement -it's new - so there's no pattern, there's no long term commitment, you really don't know each other so each date is new - and very often when people are first together they change their minds. She changed her mind about sex.

 

Shy about sex when it's with someone you don't know well is of course normal!

 

I think at first she didn't want to "ruin" "it" -but "it" was infatuation/newness - then real life set in because you started acting in what came across as clingy -asking her for reassurance, asking her to talk about it when there was nothing to talk about -she told you what she knew -she wanted to stop having sex and stop seeing you except once in awhile. Nothing to talk about. I think once you asked for reassurance the first time, reality set in and she realized she wasn't that into you. Then she took her time exiting. I would have exited way sooner than you did and no you don't get credit for "trying" because you were ignoring what she told you and what she showed you with her actions and trying to get back the newness/infatuation. But that ship had sailed.

[Rb1980]

The problem is again she was comparing this -and you were -to as if this was a sexual problem in the context of a long term/serious relationship. You barely knew each other and got bare right away. So her not wanting sex after a few weeks has nothing to do with what couples do with sexual issues in a relationship - it has to do with whether a person who's had intercourse for a few weeks with a new person now realizes she's not enjoying it. Just like someone who chooses not to go on a 5th or 6th date despite having fun the first four - has nothing to do with "relationships" -it's simply that in a new arrangement -it's new - so there's no pattern, there's no long term commitment, you really don't know each other so each date is new - and very often when people are first together they change their minds. She changed her mind about sex.

 

Shy about sex when it's with someone you don't know well is of course normal!

 

I think at first she didn't want to "ruin" "it" -but "it" was infatuation/newness - then real life set in because you started acting in what came across as clingy -asking her for reassurance, asking her to talk about it when there was nothing to talk about -she told you what she knew -she wanted to stop having sex and stop seeing you except once in awhile. Nothing to talk about. I think once you asked for reassurance the first time, reality set in and she realized she wasn't that into you. Then she took her time exiting. I would have exited way sooner than you did and no you don't get credit for "trying" because you were ignoring what she told you and what she showed you with her actions and trying to get back the newness/infatuation. But that ship had sailed.

 

Thanks for the reply.

She meant shy with sex as in found it uncomfortable talking about it, actually doing it etc etc. Not with new people but just in general. She had been cheated on before and her ex husband assaulted her so she sometimes found sex quite intimidating as was fearful of being cheated on or hurt again.

The clinginess thing bothers me as when I look at our messages and recall conversations it came up in 2 ways. One would be me going along the lines of, "I think I deserve to know if we are going to ever move out of 1st gear, it's been x months of this slower pace now and whilst I respect your wishes, I would like to see us progress."

Other times it would be, "are you sure we are ok? You barely communicate with me any more."

[Batya33]

Thanks for the reply.

She meant shy with sex as in found it uncomfortable talking about it, actually doing it etc etc. Not with new people but just in general. She had been cheated on before and her ex husband assaulted her so she sometimes found sex quite intimidating as was fearful of being cheated on or hurt again.

The clinginess thing bothers me as when I look at our messages and recall conversations it came up in 2 ways. One would be me going along the lines of, "I think I deserve to know if we are going to ever move out of 1st gear, it's been x months of this slower pace now and whilst I respect your wishes, I would like to see us progress."

Other times it would be, "are you sure we are ok? You barely communicate with me any more."

 

Right. So the sexual issues are exacerbated when the person is sexual with a near stranger/someone new. So messaging her with typed words about serious issues really doesn't make sense. I wouldn't feel comfortable at all with how you wrote what you wrote. The first-you "deserve?" Why? She told you she was putting on the brakes and didn't give you an end date. Your move. So you might have written "I am no longer comfortable with this arrangement. I want to be with someone who wants to see me regularly." The second was kind of clingy/accusatory. She was ok. She was ok with the limits she put on your arrangement. She didn't want to communicate with you as much. You were accusing her rather than an I statement such as "I don't feel comfortable because we are not talking as much anymore' -also what does "ok" and "communicate" really mean especially if it's typed? You were "communicating" in an ineffective way IMO and trying to blame her for your agreement to keep seeing her once she said she wanted to slow down and not have sex with you.

[boltnrun]

Yep, you kept claiming you were OK with the "slowdown" when you clearly were not. You were not being honest with her or yourself.

 

Like I said before, why be your own worst enemy? This woman was not going to "go back" to how she was in the beginning. She was not, and she was clear about it. So instead of trying to force things backward, it makes more sense to date a woman who is sure about wanting to be with you as much as you want to be with her.

[Rb1980]

Right. So the sexual issues are exacerbated when the person is sexual with a near stranger/someone new. So messaging her with typed words about serious issues really doesn't make sense. I wouldn't feel comfortable at all with how you wrote what you wrote. The first-you "deserve?" Why? She told you she was putting on the brakes and didn't give you an end date. Your move. So you might have written "I am no longer comfortable with this arrangement. I want to be with someone who wants to see me regularly." The second was kind of clingy/accusatory. She was ok. She was ok with the limits she put on your arrangement. She didn't want to communicate with you as much. You were accusing her rather than an I statement such as "I don't feel comfortable because we are not talking as much anymore' -also what does "ok" and "communicate" really mean especially if it's typed? You were "communicating" in an ineffective way IMO and trying to blame her for your agreement to keep seeing her once she said she wanted to slow down and not have sex with you.

 

Thanks again, in my opinion though, what I was asking was valid. I gave it a month of being slow, we hung out a little and still talked, then into the 2nd month I asked if things were likely to change. I didn't put a date demand on it or anything. I simply wanted to know if me putting effort into a relationship was worthwhile as I would hate to waste either of our time.

Where we say she was ok. We don't know that do we. She is telling me is but due to the relative lack of conversation, it's very easy for her to put it in a text just to dismiss me. If for example, similar to the suggestions you give me, she had said something like, "it's going a bit fast and I'm scared it could ruin what we want to have." Or "can we just talk a bit about a few concerns I have?" Then I would have been a hell of a lot clearer on what elements needed slowing and what things I should be to keep things going.

[Rb1980]

Yep, you kept claiming you were OK with the "slowdown" when you clearly were not. You were not being honest with her or yourself.

 

Like I said before, why be your own worst enemy? This woman was not going to "go back" to how she was in the beginning. She was not, and she was clear about it. So instead of trying to force things backward, it makes more sense to date a woman who is sure about wanting to be with you as much as you want to be with her.

 

Oh I know. I should be looking to the future now and understanding this a bit better.

I think it's that initially I was shocked by the request to slowdown so found it hard, then respected it and let it be. Then after the 2nd/3rd month of it I began to wonder what was happening. Whether we could move forward together. Surely a genuine hope for all relationships?!

[catfeeder]

It makes no sense to apologize for What You Want. That's a constant no matter how much you might try to pretzel yourself away from it just to appease someone else who does NOT want the same things with you.

 

It's self dishonesty to try to view any degree of rejection as temporary instead of recognizing that it comes from someone who doesn't own the capacity to view you through the right lens.

 

That's why it's smart to tell anyone who wants to 'slow down' or otherwise pull back from where you want to go as a simple mismatch. Sure, it could be timing, other factors, or just a matter of not being into you to the degree that you DESERVE. So there's no REAL risk in telling such a person, "I really want more with you, and that's why I'm walking away while we both think highly of one another. If you ever change your mind and feel ready for the kind of commitment that I'm looking for, you can let me know. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

Walking away instead of hovering will either prompt respect and reflection and appreciation, OR, it will free you to find a better match.

 

You can achieve neither of those outcomes by hovering--that's squirmy and prompts an 'ick' factor that's way high.

 

I don't need someone to spell out "I don't want with you what you want with me," in order to reach for my best dignity and pass on them. I'm clear that I deserve an equal investment and true simpatico. Anything less is, for me, irrelevant--just a learning device toward my own resilience and confirmation of my self respect.

 

We can't 'wish' someone into becoming a good match. Mistreatment or distancing is NOT a good match, and any ideas that that is temporary are best entertained from far away--and with no contact.

 

Head high, and learn rather than rationalize. This isn't a lesson in your value or worth, it's a lesson in your SELF value and worth. Raise that bar, and you'll thank yourself later.

[boltnrun]

Oh I know. I should be looking to the future now and understanding this a bit better.

I think it's that initially I was shocked by the request to slowdown so found it hard, then respected it and let it be. Then after the 2nd/3rd month of it I began to wonder what was happening. Whether we could move forward together. Surely a genuine hope for all relationships?!

 

Not when the other person has made it crystal clear she is not on the same page as you.

 

"Hoping" when someone has already said no to what you want doesn't change anything, as you found.

 

The best lesson I can think of from this is to never again try to pretend you're OK with something when you're really not.

[Batya33]

Thanks again, in my opinion though, what I was asking was valid. I gave it a month of being slow, we hung out a little and still talked, then into the 2nd month I asked if things were likely to change. I didn't put a date demand on it or anything. I simply wanted to know if me putting effort into a relationship was worthwhile as I would hate to waste either of our time.

Where we say she was ok. We don't know that do we. She is telling me is but due to the relative lack of conversation, it's very easy for her to put it in a text just to dismiss me. If for example, similar to the suggestions you give me, she had said something like, "it's going a bit fast and I'm scared it could ruin what we want to have." Or "can we just talk a bit about a few concerns I have?" Then I would have been a hell of a lot clearer on what elements needed slowing and what things I should be to keep things going.

 

So you were bringing this up in texts? I just wouldn't have done this with anything this serious and it tells me your need to know took priority over effective communication -which is what you were asking her to do -so you're asking her to communicate with you -but you're typing to her about a really sensitive topic. My point above was I statements. She never put an end date on it -because she knew she didn't know -which is not a good sign at all. So if you were done with the slowdown after a month then you could have told her -in person or at the very least on the phone - "I am no longer comfortable with how little we are seeing each other. If you are comfortable then perhaps it's a good idea for us to see other people because I don't feel we are on the same page."

 

You didn't need clarity from her -she told you she did not want to have sex anymore and didn't want to see you that often. That's pretty darn clear. Your need for clarity was about you - because you thought that somehow if you could take on the role of analyst/therapist and get her to reveal more specifics there would be some sort of recipe to get things back on track. But that's the point - there weren't specifics because she slowed things down really early on - before there was anything long term -not even close. She felt like she wanted space and she acted on those feelings. She didn't feel like having sex with you anymore so she acted on those feelings. Now she does feel like having sex with other people so she's acted on those feelings. But asking her for "reasons" or trying to diagnose her is not your place. Your place was to take it or leave it. Not tell her that she has to "communicate" why she is feeling the way she did -she probably didn't know. And she didn't know you well yet at all so your questions likely came across as quite intrusive.

 

I'm not saying you did anything wrong. The only thing that you did wrong was keep seeing her when she said she didn't want to have sex or see you that often. Even though she said "because I don't want to ruin it" because if that were true -her actions would have been consistent. Meaning - she would have kept dating you regularly - at least once or twice a week -and if she did want to stop intercourse she still would have been romantic and affectionate and wanting to kiss and touch you. That's "slowing down" by someone who is still into you. She just wanted to keep you around as an option especially since you were stepping up to the plate as insta-daddy -so she figured if she changed her mind she had someone ready to take on that role.

Again this wasn't a long term relationship. You met a stranger through an online site, had sex right away and were off to the races thinking that that new intensity and "clicking" foretells long term compatibility. So you had all these unrealistic expectations of what you "deserved" and analyzed it as if you had something serious and long term. Which you didn't.