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Remain positive is passive though -so to me, acting in a positive way in reaction to someone who puts on the brakes in the way that she did is to acknowledge the person's concerns and explain what you plan to do about it -how you plan to react so "I hear that you don't want us to see each other as often. I'm good with that for now and will let you know if I start to feel uncomfortable with your decision." Like that - and then no begging or pleading or seeking reassurance -if the person reacts by behaving in a distant way you give the person twice the amount of space they seem to need and reevaluate whether this is working for you."

 

I don't think anything specific was making her unhappy. She realized she'd moved too fast, she realized she wasn't seeing this as a potentially serious relationship anymore, and that didn't change for her - she hoped that by pulling back she'd feel the spark again perhaps but that was squashed when you started asking for reassurance -that probably felt clingy and overwhelming.

 

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense, it's made me realise that maybe I was coming across as clingy or overwhelming when I certainly didn't think I was at the time. I felt I was giving her what she wanted-someone loving, caring ,supportive etc.

These efforts then pushed her away. I feel I should apologise to her for that as it wasn't my plan at all but now I really see how it could have made her feel.

She still wants us to be friends so maybe I should let her know that this has dawned on me-albeit to late!

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Thank you. This makes a lot of sense, it's made me realise that maybe I was coming across as clingy or overwhelming when I certainly didn't think I was at the time. I felt I was giving her what she wanted-someone loving, caring ,supportive etc.

These efforts then pushed her away. I feel I should apologise to her for that as it wasn't my plan at all but now I really see how it could have made her feel.

She still wants us to be friends so maybe I should let her know that this has dawned on me-albeit to late!

 

Well no -no need to be in contact. Or be that open with her -she doesn't deserve it -remember she pushed you away. Being supportive and loving to someone who says they want to slow down is to give the person space. What you were doing was mostly for you -you needed reassurance so you asked for her attention and her to communicate with you and her to tell you what she needed when she thought she was showing you she needed you to back off and give her space. I would be friends only if you will enjoy hearing about her dating escapades or who she has a crush on -that's what real friends chat about.

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"Apologizing" will be viewed as what it really is...an attempt to get her to change her mind and start seeing you again.

 

And what would that get you? The exact same hot and cold, push and pull, actions not matching words situation you've been in for the past few months. Really, why go back to that?

 

No, absolutely do not contact her to "apologize" or for any other reason. They always say they want to be "friends" which really means they want you to be fine with whoever they start dating next. Because after all, you're FRIENDS!!

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You need to go no contact. You cannot be friends if there are feelings. It is torture. You must move on. Sorry.

 

PLEASE DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

 

Oh I don't plan to be friends with her. I just felt I deserve to be able to have my say.

There is definitely part of me that doesn't understand why I'm so bothered by her when she treated me the way she did. I should be glad it's over!

However ,even though we weren't seeing each other as much as I would have liked or being intimate as much as I would have liked, there was definitely an allure . She's a very very sweet and kind person and was great to be around. She just didn't put in any form of effort and maybe it's the not knowing why that bothers me. I'm not sure.

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We don't always get the answers we think we deserve. But as you know, she will not give you the relationship you want. She already said "no" to that.

 

Contacting her after she ended it isn't going to make things better. Only time and space can do that.

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Oh I don't plan to be friends with her. I just felt I deserve to be able to have my say.

There is definitely part of me that doesn't understand why I'm so bothered by her when she treated me the way she did. I should be glad it's over!

However ,even though we weren't seeing each other as much as I would have liked or being intimate as much as I would have liked, there was definitely an allure . She's a very very sweet and kind person and was great to be around. She just didn't put in any form of effort and maybe it's the not knowing why that bothers me. I'm not sure.

 

RB, she ended it by text. Do you honestly think she would care? "Very sweet" does not end a relationship by text.

 

I know it is hard, but she was never fully invested. Please accept that she is incapable of a relationship with you, and move on. No contact.

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Oh I don't plan to be friends with her. I just felt I deserve to be able to have my say.

There is definitely part of me that doesn't understand why I'm so bothered by her when she treated me the way she did. I should be glad it's over!

However ,even though we weren't seeing each other as much as I would have liked or being intimate as much as I would have liked, there was definitely an allure . She's a very very sweet and kind person and was great to be around. She just didn't put in any form of effort and maybe it's the not knowing why that bothers me. I'm not sure.

 

I don't relate to this "deserve" part - where does that entitlement come from? She told you she wanted to slow down -you reacted by seeking reassurance, by being in her space, in her face. She should have just ended it but perhaps as I wrote she thought she could get the spark back. She ended things - but it wasn't a shock -the writing was on the wall. Your "say" is you expressing to yourself that it is over, that you two were not a match, that she doesn't want to be with you. You deserve to have your say -with yourself - so that you can choose to move on. If you try to have your "say" with her there is a great risk that she will respond by being upset or even fearful that you are confronting her - and that could cause issues and problems you do not need.

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I think her ending by text was a mixture of a few things. She's quite naive with relationships (as am I I guess!) And doesn't handle a lot of things in them very well. I think she just didn't have the guts to actually talk for fear of me getting angry,upset or whatever.

 

It's just very frustrating that she wasnt invested in it, as at the start she was , way more than I would have expected. It's the not knowing what caused the change I think that gets me

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I don't relate to this "deserve" part - where does that entitlement come from? She told you she wanted to slow down -you reacted by seeking reassurance, by being in her space, in her face. She should have just ended it but perhaps as I wrote she thought she could get the spark back. She ended things - but it wasn't a shock -the writing was on the wall. Your "say" is you expressing to yourself that it is over, that you two were not a match, that she doesn't want to be with you. You deserve to have your say -with yourself - so that you can choose to move on. If you try to have your "say" with her there is a great risk that she will respond by being upset or even fearful that you are confronting her - and that could cause issues and problems you do not need.

 

Sorry but I feel you may have it a little wrong. I'm very thankful for the advice but where you say I was in her space/face is a bit wide of the mark.

I'll give you an overview.

We began dating in June-slept together on first date.

She was coming to mine, I was going to hers, we were calling each other everyday, texting each day etc.

We stayed at each others houses. We went out, we had a laugh. She even starts saying how she's never had someone so supportive of her life (the autistic children, her illness etc etc) and her dream would be to build a family with me.

 

Then first week of aug she says it's too fast. We end up talking less, seeing each other even less and it pretty much becomes the odd call and text.

She doesn't want me staying at hers and she stops coming to mine. I was fine with that initially as I respected her decision.

After a few weeks of this, I ask if it's likely we will see a bit more of each other. She says maybe.

We end up literally seeing each other once a month.

She then begins to ignore calls and texts (not all the time but fairly often)

As a result I asked if this was what she still wanted, she said yes. Nothing changed.

Then it all of a sudden picked up again but I still wasn't allowed to stay over and we didn't increase the amount of times we saw each other.

Then it went slower again. She called even less and text even less.

This to me seemed odd (we are now at end of sept/start Oct) but with covid etc I was willing to give it some more time.

Heading into Nov, still no real change. The calls picked up a little but still not really seeing each other.

Now with it being 3 months of slow down I felt I should ask. So I did. I simply asked , is it worth me putting effort into something that is not going anywhere. I don't want to waste my time trying to build something when only one side wants it.

She replied with "relationships can be slow burners"

2 weeks later she ends it.

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But according to your previous posts, you kept asking her for reassurance even though you knew you probably shouldn't. And you said you were fine with the "slow down" but kept asking to see her more. You kept trying to get things to go back to how they were for the first few weeks and for the most part she didn't go along. You found her resistance to spending time with you attractive for some reason and kept trying to force it to work even though her words and actions clearly didn't match.

 

Now, there's nothing bad about anything you did. You wanted this woman and didn't want to accept that she didn't truly want the relationship as much as you did. But you're not a horrible person. You're struggling with acceptance but again, that doesn't make you a bad person.

 

You aren't going to get "answers" from her. She ended it, so trying to contact her yet again would be a very bad idea.

 

Don't beat yourself up thinking if only you'd done this or that, or NOT done this or that, she would have gone back to how she was in the first few weeks. It's clear that was never going to happen.

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But according to your previous posts, you kept asking her for reassurance even though you knew you probably shouldn't. And you said you were fine with the "slow down" but kept asking to see her more. You kept trying to get things to go back to how they were for the first few weeks and for the most part she didn't go along. You found her resistance to spending time with you attractive for some reason and kept trying to force it to work even though her words and actions clearly didn't match.

 

Now, there's nothing bad about anything you did. You wanted this woman and didn't want to accept that she didn't truly want the relationship as much as you did. But you're not a horrible person. You're struggling with acceptance but again, that doesn't make you a bad person.

 

You aren't going to get "answers" from her. She ended it, so trying to contact her yet again would be a very bad idea.

 

Don't beat yourself up thinking if only you'd done this or that, or NOT done this or that, she would have gone back to how she was in the first few weeks. It's clear that was never going to happen.

 

Well it wasn't constant reassurance, definitely not, maybe I worded it wrong. It was moreso that when she put up this resistance I would ask what the deal was. If we could progress a little and if things were actually ok. This certainly wasn't an everyday thing and I'd only ever ask or reference stuff like that when she started acting even more distant.

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Sorry but I feel you may have it a little wrong. I'm very thankful for the advice but where you say I was in her space/face is a bit wide of the mark.

I'll give you an overview.

We began dating in June-slept together on first date.

She was coming to mine, I was going to hers, we were calling each other everyday, texting each day etc.

We stayed at each others houses. We went out, we had a laugh. She even starts saying how she's never had someone so supportive of her life (the autistic children, her illness etc etc) and her dream would be to build a family with me.

 

Then first week of aug she says it's too fast. We end up talking less, seeing each other even less and it pretty much becomes the odd call and text.

She doesn't want me staying at hers and she stops coming to mine. I was fine with that initially as I respected her decision.

After a few weeks of this, I ask if it's likely we will see a bit more of each other. She says maybe.

We end up literally seeing each other once a month.

She then begins to ignore calls and texts (not all the time but fairly often)

As a result I asked if this was what she still wanted, she said yes. Nothing changed.

Then it all of a sudden picked up again but I still wasn't allowed to stay over and we didn't increase the amount of times we saw each other.

Then it went slower again. She called even less and text even less.

This to me seemed odd (we are now at end of sept/start Oct) but with covid etc I was willing to give it some more time.

Heading into Nov, still no real change. The calls picked up a little but still not really seeing each other.

Now with it being 3 months of slow down I felt I should ask. So I did. I simply asked , is it worth me putting effort into something that is not going anywhere. I don't want to waste my time trying to build something when only one side wants it.

She replied with "relationships can be slow burners"

2 weeks later she ends it.

 

Reading this I'm just sort of confused, why did you think this was still going well? I don't mean to be rude but it seems like you just weren't able to see the big picture and you were kind of naive. She wasn't even just asking to slow down, she was basically ghosting you/slow fading you. I don't think this woman seems that sweet and nice. An actual nice person wouldn't just be stringing you along like that.

 

To see you only once a month and even ignore a lot of your texts and calls, seems like basically not being interested. There's no such thing as being "too busy" if you're actually into someone and you want the relationship to progress. Even people who are busy would find free time to at least text or give a quick call. I think she just wasn't really that into you and maybe even seeing another guy. Why were you not allowed to stay over when at the start it was fine? Seems like she was hiding something? Also she's on Tinder now which requires a lot of swiping and time to message people, so she is obviously not that busy. Basically she has more time for a sleazy hookup app than to actually date you.

 

I don't think you should be thinking of her as this super nice person because she doesn't seem to be. She was throwing you bread crumbs and keeping you as a back up plan the whole time. Then she completely lost interest but she's too cowardly to actually break up to your face or even tell you the truth. This is a 35-year-old woman and she breaks up over text, lies that she's too busy and lies that she's on Tinder. And blames her friend that she's on Tinder! This is teenage behaviour.

 

I don't know why you thought you have to tolerate like 4 months of basically being close to ignored by this woman. Why don't you think you can do better? You need to realise your self worth and have self respect and don't put up with this bs.

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Well it wasn't constant reassurance, definitely not, maybe I worded it wrong. It was moreso that when she put up this resistance I would ask what the deal was. If we could progress a little and if things were actually ok. This certainly wasn't an everyday thing and I'd only ever ask or reference stuff like that when she started acting even more distant.

 

OK so what I get from this - you had sex when you met -casual sex. Then decided to date each other seriously for about two months. You saw each other a lot. She didn't "put up resistance" -she told you she didn't want to see you as often. Big difference. So if when she acted distant you commented by asking if things were ok and you could progress -that was over the top for her. At that moment she obviously didn't want to be around you and it would have been totally fine for you to either give her space or tell her "this is not ok with me -I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and you do not so I am going to step aside and let you live your life - if you change your mind feel free to contact me and if I'm interested and available I'll consider it." Instead you reacted by asking her to reassure you at a time she was showing you she didn't want to be around you.

 

"Progress" is not what someone wants when they ask to slow down and act on that by seeing the person once a month -that's what acquaintances do -see each other about once a month. Couples do that only if one person is out of town and they can't be together, or in a crisis -a family emergency, an illness.

 

She was not putting up resistance -but you were disrespecting her request to be on her own by instead asking her to reassure you. Once -ok. More than once -not ok. Asked and answered as they say. She could have been braver and clearer but I think she was hoping you'd pull the plug so she wouldn't have to.

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Reading this I'm just sort of confused, why did you think this was still going well? I don't mean to be rude but it seems like you just weren't able to see the big picture and you were kind of naive. She wasn't even just asking to slow down, she was basically ghosting you/slow fading you. I don't think this woman seems that sweet and nice. An actual nice person wouldn't just be stringing you along like that.

 

To see you only once a month and even ignore a lot of your texts and calls, seems like basically not being interested. There's no such thing as being "too busy" if you're actually into someone and you want the relationship to progress. Even people who are busy would find free time to at least text or give a quick call. I think she just wasn't really that into you and maybe even seeing another guy. Why were you not allowed to stay over when at the start it was fine? Seems like she was hiding something? Also she's on Tinder now which requires a lot of swiping and time to message people, so she is obviously not that busy. Basically she has more time for a sleazy hookup app than to actually date you.

 

I don't think you should be thinking of her as this super nice person because she doesn't seem to be. She was throwing you bread crumbs and keeping you as a back up plan the whole time. Then she completely lost interest but she's too cowardly to actually break up to your face or even tell you the truth. This is a 35-year-old woman and she breaks up over text, lies that she's too busy and lies that she's on Tinder. And blames her friend that she's on Tinder! This is teenage behaviour.

 

I don't know why you thought you have to tolerate like 4 months of basically being close to ignored by this woman. Why don't you think you can do better? You need to realise your self worth and have self respect and don't put up with this bs.

 

The not staying over stemmed from she felt she had rushed us. She had never had a guy stay over so soon into a relationship and began thinking we should have gone slower. She was so concerned that her kids may have found it uncomfortable having a man stay there as they hadn't had that happen since they were babies that she felt it better if we didn't have me stay.

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Reading this I'm just sort of confused, why did you think this was still going well? I don't mean to be rude but it seems like you just weren't able to see the big picture and you were kind of naive. She wasn't even just asking to slow down, she was basically ghosting you/slow fading you. I don't think this woman seems that sweet and nice. An actual nice person wouldn't just be stringing you along like that.

 

To see you only once a month and even ignore a lot of your texts and calls, seems like basically not being interested. There's no such thing as being "too busy" if you're actually into someone and you want the relationship to progress. Even people who are busy would find free time to at least text or give a quick call. I think she just wasn't really that into you and maybe even seeing another guy. Why were you not allowed to stay over when at the start it was fine? Seems like she was hiding something? Also she's on Tinder now which requires a lot of swiping and time to message people, so she is obviously not that busy. Basically she has more time for a sleazy hookup app than to actually date you.

 

I don't think you should be thinking of her as this super nice person because she doesn't seem to be. She was throwing you bread crumbs and keeping you as a back up plan the whole time. Then she completely lost interest but she's too cowardly to actually break up to your face or even tell you the truth. This is a 35-year-old woman and she breaks up over text, lies that she's too busy and lies that she's on Tinder. And blames her friend that she's on Tinder! This is teenage behaviour.

 

I don't know why you thought you have to tolerate like 4 months of basically being close to ignored by this woman. Why don't you think you can do better? You need to realise your self worth and have self respect and don't put up with this bs.

 

Also, I should probably add, the slow down began in Aug , her kids started school in sept. All three have autism and are aged 4 and 6. She found the change in routine very hard for the kids as they struggled with new ways of doing things .

It got so much for one of her children that they set up a special plan for him where he only went in 2 hrs a day. This meant her time was a lot more limited. She takes them to school for 8.45, collects one at 11 and then gets the other two at 3pm. Now having been at her house before, these kids do take a lot of energy to look after. I don't know a lot about autism but from what I witnessed, she does have her work cut out sometimes.

So to an extent I could accept she was busy. She had to take them to speech therapy and also run general errands etc so I knew that during the daytime she was running all over doing things. Plus she assisted her mum by taking her brother to college each day.

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Also, I should probably add, the slow down began in Aug , her kids started school in sept. All three have autism and are aged 4 and 6. She found the change in routine very hard for the kids as they struggled with new ways of doing things .

It got so much for one of her children that they set up a special plan for him where he only went in 2 hrs a day. This meant her time was a lot more limited. She takes them to school for 8.45, collects one at 11 and then gets the other two at 3pm. Now having been at her house before, these kids do take a lot of energy to look after. I don't know a lot about autism but from what I witnessed, she does have her work cut out sometimes.

So to an extent I could accept she was busy. She had to take them to speech therapy and also run general errands etc so I knew that during the daytime she was running all over doing things. Plus she assisted her mum by taking her brother to college each day.

 

So are you having trouble meeting women? Or are you a single parent yourself and find it hard to date people without kids? If not then why do you need this kind of relationship? Why do you need a woman who has no time for you/doesn't want to have time for you? What sort of relationship is it where you only see someone once a month and you hardly hear from them? Personally that wouldn't be appealing to me at all. Again I don't think she's that busy because she went on Tinder. Tinder requires a lot of time and attention because you have to be swiping a lot and it's effort to send the messages back and forth. And she prefers that to actually dating you. Also she said it's not comfortable for a man to come over because of her children. But going on Tinder means she would be meeting all these random men? What she said to you is contradicting. Again, I think she just wasn't that into you and she wanted to use her children as an excuse. I think she was just keeping you as a back up plan, so she couldn't just flat out tell you she's not interested. Then she fully lost interest and told you so.

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So are you having trouble meeting women? Or are you a single parent yourself and find it hard to date people without kids? If not then why do you need this kind of relationship? Why do you need a woman who has no time for you/doesn't want to have time for you? What sort of relationship is it where you only see someone once a month and you hardly hear from them? Personally that wouldn't be appealing to me at all. Again I don't think she's that busy because she went on Tinder. Tinder requires a lot of time and attention because you have to be swiping a lot and it's effort to send the messages back and forth. And she prefers that to actually dating you. Also she said it's not comfortable for a man to come over because of her children. But going on Tinder means she would be meeting all these random men? What she said to you is contradicting. Again, I think she just wasn't that into you and she wanted to use her children as an excuse. I think she was just keeping you as a back up plan, so she couldn't just flat out tell you she's not interested. Then she fully lost interest and told you so.

 

I have kids myself although they live with their mum.

I agree with you about the lack of us seeing each other, unfortunately I don't think my job helped much either though. I run a hospitality venue so quite often I worked weekends which meant our window to see each other was sometimes a bit limited.

Regarding tinder, she has never dated someone from a dating site and has never had guys at her house other than the previous long term relationship and myself as she doesn't want the kids to see it and get unsettled. I don't think I'll be able to explain it correctly but her kids get very very unsettled with change etc so she would never entertain the idea of different guys coming round, one reason being her kids regularly wake up in the night and climb into her bed!. One thing I can say for her is she is an incredible mother and she would never put the kids in a situation that is hard for them

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"she would never put the kids in a situation that is hard for them"

 

And yet, she did just that, with you. You said you two slept together on the first date. Did you stay overnight that night? And she had you stay overnight often in those first few weeks, correct?

 

It's kind of surprising you still believe everything she told you regarding other men. I don't necessarily think she was being deliberately deceptive but rather trying to present herself in the best possible light. Seeing as how she is in fact on Tinder (and no, it's not Anna's "influence", that's silly), it would seem she isn't particularly transparent or even honest regarding her dating habits.

 

Anyway, this is in the past now. I hope you've chosen to delete her number and any social media connections you have with her. And ask your friends not to tell you if they see her on Tinder or any other dating sites. There's no reason to have that information.

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"she would never put the kids in a situation that is hard for them"

 

And yet, she did just that, with you. You said you two slept together on the first date. Did you stay overnight that night? And she had you stay overnight often in those first few weeks, correct?

 

It's kind of surprising you still believe everything she told you regarding other men. I don't necessarily think she was being deliberately deceptive but rather trying to present herself in the best possible light. Seeing as how she is in fact on Tinder (and no, it's not Anna's "influence", that's silly), it would seem she isn't particularly transparent or even honest regarding her dating habits.

 

Anyway, this is in the past now. I hope you've chosen to delete her number and any social media connections you have with her. And ask your friends not to tell you if they see her on Tinder or any other dating sites. There's no reason to have that information.

 

First date she came to mine and we had been chatting for a few weeks prior. In terms of her house I had met the kids a few times and we had all gone out together etc beforehand.

The kids actually asked if I could stay . I would say I stayed there 2 nights, maybe 3 in total. It was shortly after that that she said it had gone too quickly and we shouldn't have been staying at each others houses so soon

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I have kids myself although they live with their mum.

I agree with you about the lack of us seeing each other, unfortunately I don't think my job helped much either though. I run a hospitality venue so quite often I worked weekends which meant our window to see each other was sometimes a bit limited.

Regarding tinder, she has never dated someone from a dating site and has never had guys at her house other than the previous long term relationship and myself as she doesn't want the kids to see it and get unsettled. I don't think I'll be able to explain it correctly but her kids get very very unsettled with change etc so she would never entertain the idea of different guys coming round, one reason being her kids regularly wake up in the night and climb into her bed!. One thing I can say for her is she is an incredible mother and she would never put the kids in a situation that is hard for them

 

All the same, she chose to end it with you because for some reason she just didn't feel that your relationship was worth fighting for. I think that's what it boils down to. I doubt it was your job or anything you actually did. You were the one that actually wanted to give more time to the relationship and to make that effort, and she didn't.

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At what point of dating did you meet the kids? What are the ages?

 

Kids are 4 and 6. There are three of them.

I would say it must have been about 3rd or 4th date. I use the word date but as we were in lockdown she just came round mine with them and then again when my kids came to visit me.

After that we started going to hers too. She wanted to see if they were comfortable around me first.

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Well, now she's really gone and confused the poor kids. You're there, you're not there but still somewhat in her life and now you're not there at all. And she's on Tinder looking for new men. All in the space of a few months.

 

You're better off out of this mess. Nothing would have improved.

 

Doesn't being in a relationship with a woman who consistently wants to spend time with you and who is all in sound better than someone who doesn't even want to exchange messages with you?

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