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Hello all,

To be honest, this post may not give me the answers I need but everyone here has always been so helpful.

As some may remember I have been in a relationship that I felt wasn't really fulfilling its potential. I wanted things to speed.up a little, she wanted things to stay slow.

 

Well over the past few months , it started to pick up again. We saw more of each other, spoke more often on the phone and all was going ok.

However in the past few weeks she started to go quiet again then yesterday she ended it with me.

In a way, I'm cool with it as it means I no longer have to be trying so hard to get so little back. In another way, I wish we could have just sorted things.

She dumped me via text (I hate that!) And said right now there is too much going on in her life (kids, retraining as a nurse, health) that all makes sense to me and I respect that. She said she would happily stay friends but just can't have a relationship and for her right now, being single would be best. I appreciate that as I know she's desperate to get back into nursing and her kids with their difficulties take up a lot of her time.

I asked her if we could just talk about it but she said no.

Later that evening a friend text me to say he saw her on tinder. I thought this was a bit weird as she has always said she hates the type of messages guys send .

Being curious I went on there (bad idea!) And yes I saw her profile almost immediately.

I text her our of frustration saying how I couldn't believe that within the same day, she is on a dating site. I got a reply saying, "I certainly am not thank you very much"

So I responded saying that I could send her the screenshot if she didn't believe me. To this she said, "send it to me, I'm not on there unless Anna did it" Anna is her best friend who has recently separated from her husband.

She then sent another saying, "you really don't know me at all do you. I'm not on there."

 

Now I know from when we met she said how she tried dating sites before but absolutely hated it and found the guys creepy and only after sex. She is quite reserved about sex and has said that now in her mid 30's, hook ups etc are definitely not something she wants.

I'm just a bit confused as in all honesty I wasnt happy but the feeling of being dumped and her potentially already flirting with new guys hurts a little.

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For your own good, please stop contacting her about her dating life, stop looking for her on dating sites and tell that so-called "friend" to stop trying to hurt you by telling you stories about what she's doing.

 

And you're right, now you can stop trying to force this situation that was never going to turn out to be the relationship you've been hoping for. Instead of chasing someone who isn't right for you, you can focus on yourself and figuring out the kind of relationship you DO want.

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Trust me, I only contacted her out of frustration as I thought it was incredibly disrespectful to go on a site so soon.

Regarding searching her out, I know I shouldn't have. It was just hurting hearing that she could be on there. I don't think my friend was trying to hurt me as he didn't know we had separated, he simply text me asking when we split as he saw her on tinder.

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Sorry to hear this. When the sting of how this went down wears off, agree... it will be a relief to be free to pursue someone ready, willing and able to be in with both feet.

In a way, I'm cool with it as it means I no longer have to be trying so hard to get so little back.

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I saw a friend's ex-husband on a dating app. I debated whether I should have told her and thought no. And then I saw my ex-husband on it too. You're going to run into this anyway, inevitably. I second the others' comments on focusing more on yourself.

 

The immediate thoughts generally go to sex or what the other person might be thinking... all very normal, mixed emotions. When things get confusing keep asking yourself if it's worth knowing more.

 

Don't take it personally even if she chooses to be there whether for entertainment or sex or for dating. You're still you, no?

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So I responded saying that I could send her the screenshot if she didn't believe me. To this she said, "send it to me, I'm not on there unless Anna did it" Anna is her best friend who has recently separated from her husband..

 

Yeah, she's full of equine manure.

 

I realize it hurts a lot. However, in the end, it is better that you know this. Why? So many people make too many excuses for their exes and assume that with time and space the other person will come around. They don't want to believe that the ex could be putting themselves back out there and they keep hanging on to false hope. It's a cold dose of reality but it may actually help you move on more quickly.

 

Looking back at your other posts about her, this wasn't going to end well. Now you can be free of this dead weight and eventually find someone who reciprocates your interest - clearly and consistently.

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Yeah, she's full of equine manure.

 

I realize it hurts a lot. However, in the end, it is better that you know this. Why? So many people make too many excuses for their exes and assume that with time and space the other person will come around. They don't want to believe that the ex could be putting themselves back out there and they keep hanging on to false hope. It's a cold dose of reality but it may actually help you move on more quickly.

 

Looking back at your other posts about her, this wasn't going to end well. Now you can be free of this dead weight and eventually find someone who reciprocates your interest - clearly and consistently.

 

Yeah I agree it could definitely be better for me to know this. The only thing I'm finding odd is how when we first started dating she was saying just how much she hates dating sites and had never dated anyone through one, add to this her talking about how she hates the idea of ONS and guys playing her.

Up until recently she was starting to talk about our future again so, to me it all seemed good again. Part of me is thinking Anna-now enjoying single life- has influenced her somewhat

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Anna cannot "influence" her to do something she doesn't want to do.

 

She's been hot and cold for months now. It has nothing to do with Anna.

 

Once you have had time to yourself to think things over and figure out why you found her hot and cold behavior so very appealing, you can find someone who is on the same page as you.

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Thanks, I agree. What I mean about the influence is that Anna has been apart from her husband for about 1 month after a 10year marriage and is already dating someone else. My ex and Anna talk all the time and I believe that with Anna telling her "single life is amazing" etc etc it has influenced her mindset a little.

I agree she was never fully into me and was probably looking to get out of it, Anna just gave her the push to actually do it.

Whilst her reasons for wanting get out of a relationship do match up to what is going on in her life, going on a site like Tinder will only result in short term joy and potentially long term harm.

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Also I think her hot and cold behaviour appealed because for some reason I saw the negative traits as temporary. I admit I've never been in a relationship where I had to think every day about where we were heading and that to me is a sign im better off out of it. It's just her personality and the laughs we shared were really endearing and made me feel that I was quite lucky to find someone like her. Blinded by emotion I guess!

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It is absolutely none of your business. She may have been giving you the it's not you it's me excuse, she may have been curious, she may have changed her mind and decided she does want to date. But it's none of your business and musing about her friend's influence on her makes no sense for anything - not your healing, not how you spend your time. She's an adult. A single adult. Stay out of her dating life and her social life. I'm sorry she gave you a hard time and that you were not on the same page but this is a clear signal it's time for you to move on and stop being in contact with her.

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Also I think her hot and cold behaviour appealed because for some reason I saw the negative traits as temporary. I admit I've never been in a relationship where I had to think every day about where we were heading and that to me is a sign im better off out of it. It's just her personality and the laughs we shared were really endearing and made me feel that I was quite lucky to find someone like her. Blinded by emotion I guess!

 

Would it also help if I mentioned that the reaction to her dating profile might also be similar to this^? You seem like a hopeful and romantic type of person. There's nothing wrong with that unless what you want out of someone eclipses what they actually are.

 

Both of you aren't an item anymore so best to keep moving on.

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I would also spend some time reflecting on why you found this roller coaster, hot then cold situation so attractive.

 

My exact thoughts.

 

OP, focus on why YOU did not end this long ago. Do you usually pursue women who are “work?”

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Yeah I agree it could definitely be better for me to know this. The only thing I'm finding odd is how when we first started dating she was saying just how much she hates dating sites and had never dated anyone through one, add to this her talking about how she hates the idea of ONS and guys playing her.

Up until recently she was starting to talk about our future again so, to me it all seemed good again. Part of me is thinking Anna-now enjoying single life- has influenced her somewhat

. My ex hated the sites, too. Guess what, he was back on after we split up.
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So how long were you dating? Actually when I was reading the first part of your post where she said to you things like: "I'm too busy with my kids and nursing, I have no time for a relationship, etc.", I thought it sounded like just a bunch of excuses. Nobody is really that busy that they can't be in a relationship with someone they really like and want to be with. Then when you said she's on Tinder, that just seemed like more proof that it was all just a bunch of excuses and the real reason is she probably just doesn't want to be with you. You know often when people say "I don't want a relationship (with you)". Sorry to be blunt but to me it sounds like that type of situation.

 

The problem is, as much as it hurts you that she's on Tinder, it's actually none of your business now because she broke up with you. So unfortunately if she wants to get with like 20 guys from Tinder, she's within her right to do that. I think you're just upsetting yourself more by contacting her and confronting her. Clearly she actually is on Tinder and she's just lying to you. Even if her friend Anna encouraged her to go on Tinder, she would only do it if she herself wanted to.

 

I think the best thing you can do is just block your ex on everything and don't contact her again. Why continue talking to someone who dumped you and just lies and gives excuses and can't tell you the truth.

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Sorry to say, but she made up her own mind about this.

 

Why worry about the dating apps she's in? Or try to lecture her about it?

 

Pull back. She's been hot/cold on the fence for a long time. Perhaps she's been looking around or looking for an out for a while now, but it's her idea

 

All you can do is delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

 

If you don't like tinder, get on paid quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and better screening criteria, and start messaging and meeting local women. Be sure to screen out people with too much baggage and "too busy" to date.

 

Unfortunately it seems like this was a mismatch from the beginning, but you tried to "make it work".

Thanks, I agree. What I mean about the influence is that Anna has been apart from her husband for about 1 month after a 10year marriage and is already dating someone else. My ex and Anna talk all the time and I believe that with Anna telling her "single life is amazing" etc etc it has influenced her mindset a little.

I agree she was never fully into me and was probably looking to get out of it, Anna just gave her the push to actually do it.

Whilst her reasons for wanting get out of a relationship do match up to what is going on in her life, going on a site like Tinder will only result in short term joy and potentially long term harm.

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Thanks all.

 

I do really appreciate the advice.

I think for me, I wasn't totally happy but was expecting it to get better at some stage.

Now looking back, I think the reason this breakup bothers me, when in reality it shouldn't considering how she treated me, is that from the start we just clicked, it felt effortless and right.

Last night I foolishly looked back over text messages to figure out what the catalyst may have been for her wanting to slow down.

I couldn't really find anything other than her one message that just said, "it's going too fast." And it was from here that she became more distant. Prior to that though she was pretty much telling me how all she ever wanted was a complete family life and how I've now given that to her, how she couldn't wait for us to go on holidays etc etc, how she was so pleased her kids loved me. I know many of you will say "they are just words" but having been around her, it was genuine, we would chat for hours and she would make effort no matter what the hour to either come and see me or phone me. Then it just stopped and she started to step back. I couldn't figure out why as I hadn't changed how I was around her. (Maybe through me reciprocating her efforts, I came across too intense?!)

Now with her lack of effort, it naturally caused me to seek reassurance as it felt like things were going wrong but for no real reason.

She would tell me it was still long term, how she still wanted us to have a great future but that it just needed to go slowly.

I had eventually got sick of this slow pace and pulled her up on it, asking will there ever be a change of pace, will we start to see more of each other and I was met with, "yes but relationships can be slow burners"

There always seemed to be excuses and that really frustrated me as it certainly isn't a fair way to treat someone. I just don't quite understand why. If she was unhappy she could have just said then I could have either worked on it or called it a day.

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So how long were you dating? Actually when I was reading the first part of your post where she said to you things like: "I'm too busy with my kids and nursing, I have no time for a relationship, etc.", I thought it sounded like just a bunch of excuses. Nobody is really that busy that they can't be in a relationship with someone they really like and want to be with. Then when you said she's on Tinder, that just seemed like more proof that it was all just a bunch of excuses and the real reason is she probably just doesn't want to be with you. You know often when people say "I don't want a relationship (with you)". Sorry to be blunt but to me it sounds like that type of situation.

 

The problem is, as much as it hurts you that she's on Tinder, it's actually none of your business now because she broke up with you. So unfortunately if she wants to get with like 20 guys from Tinder, she's within her right to do that. I think you're just upsetting yourself more by contacting her and confronting her. Clearly she actually is on Tinder and she's just lying to you. Even if her friend Anna encouraged her to go on Tinder, she would only do it if she herself wanted to.

 

I think the best thing you can do is just block your ex on everything and don't contact her again. Why continue talking to someone who dumped you and just lies and gives excuses and can't tell you the truth.

We got together in June/July time

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My exact thoughts.

 

OP, focus on why YOU did not end this long ago. Do you usually pursue women who are “work?”

 

Good point .

That's the thing though. It wasn't work, at all until she said to slow down. That's the only time I felt I needed to work at it. Prior to that it just worked.

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So many people change their minds early on, after a few months. Typically if someone wants to slow down a relationship (as opposed to - let's wait to have sex, or "I'm going into a hugely busy period at work the next three weeks so I can't do our typical Wednesday netflix thing till it's over -BUT the huge difference is that person doesn't want to slow down the relationship and would never want their partner to think so - rather it's a temporary shift in plans where you might see each other a little less while the work emergency takes priority).

 

I think that she was full speed ahead, scared herself and then she found your level of attention kind of clingy and smothering so she used "slow down" as a way to express that. It's often effortless in the beginning because very often neither of the two people have to show each other real life or involve each other in real life.

 

Here's an anecdote - over 20 years ago a couple met -they were in their 20s. They were really into each other from the start. But what really solidified them was that about two months into dating she had to have her appendix out -complete emergency, horrible pain. It was how he saw her through that crisis that solidified her knowing he was the one. They married -been married for many years as far as I know.

 

Second anecdote -my friend met a guy online while her mom was terminally ill. (online dating site). Her mom passed shortly after they met. She told him what the mourning arrangements were -basically 7 days of visitation with her family and friends. Didn't ask him to come, just told him. He showed up every single evening -but the point was -he showed up, knew no one, and sat quietly, being polite and pleasant and without asking anything of her - he just showed up. Every night. Can you imagine how awkward that was -but he wanted to show up for her without having her feel she had to "entertain" him while she was grieving. They got married over 15 years ago and she said she knew then that he was a keeper.

 

If someone tells you to slow down after taking things fast, slow the whole relationship down - and then acts distant - walk away then -slow it down to zero. Tell the person -we just met recently, I see serious potential, you're being vague about what exactly you mean - and why. I get that you're scared but please let me know if you resolve those feelings and want to date and get to know each other at a reasonable pace and to be present when we're together - if you choose your fear that's fine but fear is going to hurt our chances of getting to know each other. I'm fine with seeing you twice a week instead of 3 times as long as you are here with me 100% and choose me over fear of getting close.

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Per your posts, the "slow down" lasted longer than the good times. You repeatedly asked for reassurance, you kept saying you were "fine" with the slow down when you actually were NOT fine with it...this was a mismatch. No matter how good you feel things went in the first few weeks or what things she was telling you. Her actions spoke loud and clear.

 

When you continually refer to how things were "in the beginning" to gauge how a relationship should be going...you're a mismatch.

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Per your posts, the "slow down" lasted longer than the good times. You repeatedly asked for reassurance, you kept saying you were "fine" with the slow down when you actually were NOT fine with it...this was a mismatch. No matter how good you feel things went in the first few weeks or what things she was telling you. Her actions spoke loud and clear.

 

When you continually refer to how things were "in the beginning" to gauge how a relationship should be going...you're a mismatch.

 

Yeah, I see this clearer now. We were together around 5/6months of which 3-4 of it were at this slower pace. I was fine with it in the way that I tried to remain positive that things would get better. Silly really!

I think i should be looking at it as "I'm better out of it" but for some reason I always cling to "what if's"

I also want to know why she got like this- which I know I'll never find out- because I was under the impression I was giving her everything she wanted in a relationship. I clearly wasn't but if I had been told what was making her unhappy or distant then we could have worked on it together.

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Remain positive is passive though -so to me, acting in a positive way in reaction to someone who puts on the brakes in the way that she did is to acknowledge the person's concerns and explain what you plan to do about it -how you plan to react so "I hear that you don't want us to see each other as often. I'm good with that for now and will let you know if I start to feel uncomfortable with your decision." Like that - and then no begging or pleading or seeking reassurance -if the person reacts by behaving in a distant way you give the person twice the amount of space they seem to need and reevaluate whether this is working for you."

 

I don't think anything specific was making her unhappy. She realized she'd moved too fast, she realized she wasn't seeing this as a potentially serious relationship anymore, and that didn't change for her - she hoped that by pulling back she'd feel the spark again perhaps but that was squashed when you started asking for reassurance -that probably felt clingy and overwhelming.

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I also want to know why she got like this- which I know I'll never find out- because I was under the impression I was giving her everything she wanted in a relationship. I clearly wasn't but if I had been told what was making her unhappy or distant then we could have worked on it together.

 

As painful as this is to hear. You're right. You thought you were meeting her needs. but you weren't. And that's on her.

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