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What is the cause of this problem ?


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Today, me and my girlfriend had an argument, that is keep happening, and we couldn’t settle for what is the root for this problem, or who plays a bigger part in creating this problem in the first beginning. I am going to describe our last argument now so you can get a clearer picture regarding what I am talking about.( I emphasize that this pattern of arguments is keep happening ).

So we were both sitting on the balcony watching the view, when she showed me her feet that had a small bruise on it.( that bruise was caused by us playing two days before; more specific, she sat on my back while I was on the floor, and because I moved she lost her balance and fell. I told her I am sorry at that moment and hugged her to make her feel better). When she showed it to me, I moved her ankle around to see if something got broken, she didn’t make any hurt sound while I did that so I told her: “You don’t have to worry, is just a bruise, nothing is broken, is gonna go away soon.” After this she got angry and said : “Why don’t you say you are sorry, you think I don’t know is not broken ?”. I told her that I already told her that I am sorry, and that by saying to her “not to worry” I meant to comfort her, not to tell her that I don’t care. She got more angry and said that is not true, and that I don’t care about her. I told her that she shouldn’t pick so hard on this small things all the time because they will happen from time to time and is not healthy like this. Two different people, I think, will inevitably behave, at some points, in a way that the other one doesn’t totally agree with. After I said this, she, still angry, start saying she will leave me and started swearing on me. When she did this I told her that I won’t talk to her anymore if she is talking like this to me, I told her that this is a teenage girl way of behaving( we are in our mid 20’s). At that point she got more angry and throw her hairbrush at me, hitting me with it. The hairbrush broke in half after this. I told her again that swearing and hitting is not ok and it is not how a mature woman should behave. At that point she wanted to call one of my friends to tell them what happened and for him to decide who is wrong here. I said friends or family shouldn’t get involved in this kind of things, and that we should post it on a anonymous group to see what other people say, she didn’t want to, but I still did it, and that’s how this got here.

Now, to sum this up, and for you to make a better idea about me, I don’t always behave perfect( but I never swear or be violent), sometimes I forget small things, and I don’t manage everything perfectly, but I try my best to improve and to do good. I also am the type of man that wants prosperity from life, so aside from my day to day job, that is a stable, higher studies, medium income job, I also learn programming so that I can make more money so we can afford anything we want in this life. Again, I said this just so you can have a better picture about me and what kind of person I am. I think is normal for everyone to do small mistakes every day and a life partner shouldn’t point it out every time when it happens, is not healthy in my opinion. She says that this is how women are, and is normal for women to pick on this kind of things every time they happen, and that this is her way of expressing her anger, through swearing and hitting. I say this is how teenage high school girls behave, not mature women.

By writing this post I am trying to maybe find the root of this problems and fix them.

So what do you think about this situation?

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Some things cannot be explained to another person. They either understand inherently based on their own life experiences or they challenge what you say and take offense. Further explanation or others concurring won't help either.

 

You have to look at the evidence of how a person acts and decide fir yourself. at face value is this behavior acceptable to me or not? If it never changes is that ok with me?

 

I will add specific to this scenario you described... try to take gender out of it. do not imply teenage girls are less mature than teenage boys. let me explain. there is a thing were in society we'll say people are acting like a girl or like a woman to mean they are being immature or petty or some other negative aspect. But these traits are not specific to females. boys are childish when they're children. girls mature faster than boys. men can be petty and gossips just as well as women.

 

You saying that does not justify her reaction. I'm just suggesting you think of you're own words and how they sound to the receiver.

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I can only assume there is more to this story because her reaction was disproportionate to the event.

My guess is there a build up of other resentments, so little things like this is similar to pressure cooker blowing off steam. You barely poked her and things went sideways.

Only you know the whole story here and we often paint a one sided picture to elicit responses in our favor.

But there isn't much learned by that, is there?

From what you've written, I obviously can't tell what's really going on but I'll give you a tiny bit of advice. - When she was hurt you went from acknowledging it and then minimizing it. If you minimize someone's experience routinely you might get the reaction you received if she is tired of being unheard and dismissed

Not sure if my guess is onto something, but there seems (to me) alot missing here. It's just a hunch.

She's angry about something and it isn't the bruise on her foot.

But based on how you wrote this you will definitely get a lot of responders behind you telling she's irrational and crazy.

Is that what you really wanted to hear?

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Unfortunately you wind each other up way too much. Debating maturity is not the point.

 

Sadly may advice on this remains the same:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565523&p=7231327&viewfull=1#post7231327

I totally agree with the above. Nothing has changed and neither has the advice. OP, if you are unhappy with your situation/relationship, then you end it and move on in your life. It really is as simple as that. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I ain't gonna happen. Choice is yours.

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“Why don’t you say you are sorry, you think I don’t know is not broken ?”.

 

I didn't read previous thread or beyond this ^^^, because she spelled out exactly what she was seeking from you: another apology and dose of comfort. You got defensive instead, and so you've chosen battle instead of something that's simple enough to offer.

 

Successful relationships aren't about 'right fighting,' but rather demonstrations of care and respect. If you hold yourself instead to a courtroom standard of proving rightness, then this isn't going to be the last relationship that falls apart because of that.

 

The 'appearance' of being reasonable is more important than fighting to change another's definition of reasonable. If you're unwilling to offer that, then it's not going to be an easy ride for you no matter who you're dealing with.

 

Pick your battles. When someone tells you what they want, consider giving it to them as a demonstration of care and as a model of the respect that you hope to receive from them in return at some point.

 

Hard and brittle branches break easily. Consider adopting resilience and flexibility. Once you can do that, you're better positioned to observe whether someone is consistently unreasonable--without fueling it. If someone is consistently unreasonable or accusatory, walk away, and skip trying to 'fight' them into your post of view. It won't happen, and it's a waste of your time.

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