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He 'ended' things with me but is agreeing to see me/his replies seem positive?


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I’ve been dating this guy for about 8/9 months. We’re 9 years apart and I don’t notice the age difference. We get along like a house on fire, always laughing together. He tells me regularly ‘I laugh so much with you’, I know his friends, his family know about me but we haven’t been able to meet due to Covid. He used to call his parents every Sunday but since we’ve been dating, it’s become less and less. To me this is also a sign of being in a relationship with someone. We normally see each other a few times a week, sometimes less or more depending on our schedule. He invites me to all the 'big' things in his life, for example, we were going to go to his medical ball together (he would've been seen with me in front of other girls if there is anything nefarious). When we drive or hangout in different areas together, he likes to look up the prices of houses. He's also said in front of me how cute kids are and that he can't wait to do that one day. Signs to me he's testing my reaction and seeing if I want that as well.

 

A few months into dating, he asked to make sure that we’re not seeing other people. He isn’t into casual sex and I think exclusivity is important to him. A few months ago I was anxious about what we were - he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend and I thought this is something that he would’ve wanted to do. He’s traditional, wanting something serious such as marriage/family. We had a few talks about the direction of our relationship, he said there were a few things he was a bit concerned about, a few things we maybe didn’t have in common (he’s very risk-averse and overthinks everything). His concerns were things like ‘I like anime and you don’t’ ‘I like fiction books and you don’t’

 

He’s studying so after that conversation he said he would decide at the end of his exams, his exams have finished now. He went away recently with some of his University friends, he was unsure of whether to go (seemed like he wanted to be with me, haha) and wanted to see me before he left. I’ve felt good about everything between us post-exams as I had a feeling he was going to slowly contact me less and less and try and see me less - due to his uncertainty.

 

One night on the phone, I told him that I wasn’t quite sure whether continuing to have sex with him was a wise idea as we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend. He was confused that I said it was casual. I said ‘well, we aren’t in a relationship’ and he said ‘you are my girlfriend’ I’m certain he went onto say ’I thought we’ve known this since we started dating’ so I then asked him ‘well if I was to meet a new friend of yours that I haven’t met, would you introduce me as your girlfriend? And he said yes. Unfortunately, he has to repeat his exams so I may not be able to see him for a while, I do need to clarify that he actually meant this.

 

I just wonder why he had this hesitancy a few times when we had the discussion a few months back though? There was even a point where I suggested we should end things because he wasn't so sure and he agreed. Maybe this is natural though and a reflection of his risk-averse attitude about things. There were just some uncertainties on his part. He said he could've been overthinking it. As a result, it sort of made me more anxious and I suggested we should end it.

 

We were the other day asking to see me and said it’ll be good to have a proper chat about things as we’ve both been putting things off, as so he said.

 

I got to his house, he said yes I have been his girlfriend all along and he doesn't know why I would think otherwise. He said that he feels it’s not going to work because of our age gap and he claims we're very different people. I personally do not see this as I feel like we share the same values, we're compatible in a lot of areas etc. He told me that he finds me beautiful, loves my sense of humour and that we get along and have fun together. I did mention that we handle conflict differently but our only arguments have been over text/call and since that's such a poor form of communication - it's hard to tell. He said he could continue seeing me but he has these concerns. I asked him if there was anyone else in the picture and he sort of laughed and said he barely has time for me, let alone another person. I felt it was a genuine, honest response.

 

He started to cry (this is the most emotion I've seen from him), saying he won't be able to cook me any more dinners and our memories shared together. He then went back and forth and said he doesn't know if he's making the right decision, that he will never find someone like me, I am out of his league etc. He said maybe he's just one big idiot after all and he's made a stupid decision. I was calm in my response and he said "why don't you get angry? this is making it more difficult" in a somewhat cute way. He just kept saying that lately everything has been solidified in his brain that it's probably the most responsible decision. He asked me if I thought he was being unreasonable.

 

Now I feel like since we've been arguing quite a bit the past few weeks and he's been stressed, possibly his decision is skewed. I hadn't seen him in 2 or 3 weeks due to exams and I asked whether maybe we just got cold feet because of us not seeing each other. I remember months ago he said he sometimes questions us in absence.

 

We spent over 4 hours talking and it was like he didn't want me to leave nor did I. He then asked if we should go to dinner together. He finally walked me to my car and he couldn't stop crying.

 

Something in me decided to message him the other morning after I left:

 

Me - Morning 😊 I don’t know if messaging you is the best idea, but I hope you haven’t woken up too sad. If you ever want to catch up on neutral grounds, a coffee or lunch, don’t hesitate - I still consider you a friend. Even under these circumstances, it was nice to see you last night and I am saddened I won’t be able to have more of them with you. That’s all ❤️

 

Him - Morning! I was in two minds as to whether to message you with the same sentiment 😅 I feel very much the same. Like you say it’s always nice seeing you, and it’s hard for me to think we won’t be sharing more moments together. I really hope you’re feeling ok today ❤️ Enjoy the rest of your weekend 😊

 

Me - Aw, well if you’re keen to catch up in a week to come or a few months, let me know. I’m trying to not make this any harder for us but it is difficult. I didn’t react with anger because that’s genuinely not how I feel about us. I miss you, enjoy your morning eggs ❤️

 

Him - Will do ❤️ miss you too, at least you can have your eggs with olive oil today 😅

 

Me - These thoughts are best discussed in person but I’m not sure if that can happen and they’re weighing heavy on me. I do think we could work through the issues as I feel there are more positives than negatives. I am aware that the past few weeks have been pretty nasty for the both of us but I’ve been particularly harsh on you. If I don’t hear back from you, I will, of course, assume you do not feel the same way and will accept your decision.

 

Him - I thought I did explain that although the last month or so has been really difficult, it hasn’t been the main reason why I reached the decision I did. Of course, I’m always really happy to talk to you about anything though, so if you still want to talk things through naturally I’m happy to do that 😊

 

He went onto say that he hates that he's upset me and that it's all really difficult for him but he *thinks* it's all for the best.

 

I asked that if we decide to have a chat, when is he free as he is starting a new job (again, could be a reason for the breakup) next week. He told me and then I've left the conversation at that.

 

I got in contact again and then I said I would like to see him again, he said let’s catch up next week. I’ve left the conversation there and will see if he follows up next week.

 

I know I should have probably never contacted him again but I just had this gut feeling to do so. I guess I only know him and I've been the one in the relationship with him.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

**TL;DR** 8 months into dating, he finally broke the news to me that we should end what we have based on our age gap and some differences. I have a feeling it could also be because he’s starting his new job as a doctor (admittedly stressful)

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My thoughts are that he used you. He dangled a carrot in front of you--hinted at that relationship you really, really wanted--just to keep you around as long as was convenient for him. Now he's breadcrumbing you, and you seem to be signing right up for it. I hope you get smart about this and stop settling for such scraps. There are MUCH better prospects out there for you.

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There is nothing at all to work through unless both people want to be together and want to do the work to be together. He doesn't want to be with you. He never wanted to be with you as much as you wanted to be with him. He's making excuses and you are being dishonest and making excuses -to yourself - dishonest with yourself. It's not because of his new job. When my husband and I dated long distance (we knew each other seriously from the past) I: had a really stressful job. He had a really stressful job. He went through a hugely stressful situation (not of his own making/out of his control). And we were each other's support and fun and shared laughter, and love eventually (within the first few months), we had common goals and standards and values. We moved mountains to be together -well not mountains but I was on planes all the time to see him and him to see me. Spending hours just figuring out how to meet up so we could see each other about every 11 days or so long distance. Talked every night on the phone that we weren't together. Yes, it should be like that. It wasn't perfect it was just "right" - because simply put we were on the same page.

 

Accept that he doesn't want to be in a serious or potentially serious relationship with you. He's happy to chat and get his ego stroked in the process cause he knows you're sooooo into him - but he'll tire of that too unless it's sexting because after awhile it's a huge turn off to be in touch with someone where it's this unbalanced -it's flattering but also icky/stinky -that smell of insecurity because you will jump through hoops trying to be his "buddy" but reading into every sigh, every word -ohhhhhh he likes me again!! Ohhhhh he said _____ and that means he misses me!!! He referred obliquely to our inside joke -I'm going to assume it's because he really does want me!!!!

 

Please move on - you've jumped through many hoops and made many excuses to be with this guy - you had to stoop so low and ask him if you were his girlfriend even though you were having sex already. And he said yes but you know dismissively -or certainly not with joyous enthusiasm.

 

Many people get together in many many different ways. it's not always smooth or pretty. But the commonality is -smooth or no they both equally want each other and want each other in the same way and are on the same page and have the same intentions.

 

Yesterday we watched Star Trek Four as a family -labor of love for me as I am not a Trekkie and married one - and I guessed an important plot point. My son said "wow you're smart" and reflexively -despite being really tired from cooking and prepping and all that stuff I said "oh yes I'm intelligent because I married your daddy!!" We've been together 15 years, married almost 12, known each other since 1994. It just came out of my mouth because that's how it's supposed to be -even when you're holiday-ed out and pandemic-ed out and giving in to his movie choice and making root beer floats only they will be consuming it's in your core that you want to be with that person. It's not in his core. It may be in the future -he'll find you if he feels that way and if you're interested and available you'll ride off into the sunset. Remote possiblity but it can happen . Because it's remote at best move on. Now.

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There is nothing at all to work through unless both people want to be together and want to do the work to be together. He doesn't want to be with you. He never wanted to be with you as much as you wanted to be with him. He's making excuses and you are being dishonest and making excuses -to yourself - dishonest with yourself. It's not because of his new job. When my husband and I dated long distance (we knew each other seriously from the past) I: had a really stressful job. He had a really stressful job. He went through a hugely stressful situation (not of his own making/out of his control). And we were each other's support and fun and shared laughter, and love eventually (within the first few months), we had common goals and standards and values. We moved mountains to be together -well not mountains but I was on planes all the time to see him and him to see me. Spending hours just figuring out how to meet up so we could see each other about every 11 days or so long distance. Talked every night on the phone that we weren't together. Yes, it should be like that. It wasn't perfect it was just "right" - because simply put we were on the same page.

 

Accept that he doesn't want to be in a serious or potentially serious relationship with you. He's happy to chat and get his ego stroked in the process cause he knows you're sooooo into him - but he'll tire of that too unless it's sexting because after awhile it's a huge turn off to be in touch with someone where it's this unbalanced -it's flattering but also icky/stinky -that smell of insecurity because you will jump through hoops trying to be his "buddy" but reading into every sigh, every word -ohhhhhh he likes me again!! Ohhhhh he said _____ and that means he misses me!!! He referred obliquely to our inside joke -I'm going to assume it's because he really does want me!!!!

 

Please move on - you've jumped through many hoops and made many excuses to be with this guy - you had to stoop so low and ask him if you were his girlfriend even though you were having sex already. And he said yes but you know dismissively -or certainly not with joyous enthusiasm.

 

Many people get together in many many different ways. it's not always smooth or pretty. But the commonality is -smooth or no they both equally want each other and want each other in the same way and are on the same page and have the same intentions.

 

Yesterday we watched Star Trek Four as a family -labor of love for me as I am not a Trekkie and married one - and I guessed an important plot point. My son said "wow you're smart" and reflexively -despite being really tired from cooking and prepping and all that stuff I said "oh yes I'm intelligent because I married your daddy!!" We've been together 15 years, married almost 12, known each other since 1994. It just came out of my mouth because that's how it's supposed to be -even when you're holiday-ed out and pandemic-ed out and giving in to his movie choice and making root beer floats only they will be consuming it's in your core that you want to be with that person. It's not in his core. It may be in the future -he'll find you if he feels that way and if you're interested and available you'll ride off into the sunset. Remote possiblity but it can happen . Because it's remote at best move on. Now.

 

Thank you, I appreciate your answer. It's hard because I felt like up until a few months ago, he put in a *lot* of effort and I definitely felt the love. But since the last month or so I've been sensing something is weird, I've been getting into slight arguments with him over text/phone call and I feel it has sabotaged our relationship. Yes, he has his reasons and they are probably going to stay there regardless of the last month or so.

 

I think there could have been a few things I could have done on my part as well, introducing him to my friends/family etc.

 

Time will tell.

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I echo what Jibralta says:

 

"Now he's breadcrumbing you, and you seem to be signing right up for it. I hope you get smart about this and stop settling for such scraps. There are MUCH better prospects out there for you."

 

You ask, Dusty:

 

"What are your thoughts?"

 

And I'd ask:

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? The new job has nothing to do with the matter. The fact is that he is no longer interested, probably never was.

Of course you already know all this.

 

Leave this sorry situation behind, hold no more conversations with yourself about the "mights" and the "maybes". Recover your self-worth.

 

No matter who you introduced him to it wouldn't have made a whit of difference. And no, time will not tell. Please please start to re-make your life, on a strong foundation and not on these quicksands.

 

The advice given by posters back in May still holds. Yet here you are having wasted another six months of your life.

Edited by LaHermes
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Same advice as last time. He does not want a relationship with you. We all advised you to go no contact and move on, unless you want to be a booty call and ego stroke.

 

This guy was treating you like garbage in the spring, yet you are still holding on. Don't get it.

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"'Im in my 20's and he's 8 years older. I've seen this guy about a handful of times, I think we're somewhat dating/seeing each other. Throughout COVID, I often go to his in the afternoon/evening - usually a pretty chill day, he cooks or I do and we go for walks. He has a pretty small apartment, so he cooks in the kitchen not facing me while I'm sitting on the couch (occasionally bored out of my brains because he's hardly talking to me) and doesn't put the tv on for me or anything, and then we just sit on the couch and quietly eat together. He has a particular type of humour he says that rubs me the wrong way. A while back I was talking about something and I said to him I won't bore him to death, he said "Bore me to death anytime, hopefully with some of your body but words will do as well" I found it a bit sexist and weird. Okay, so, he's also a bit more religious and traditional than I am. That's fine but I think its starting to rear its ugly head.

 

TMI - I remember the first time we had sex, we were in a doggy position and I just asked him if we could start with him on top as it feels more comfortable for some reason. He looked all sad and immature and said "can we just start from the back sweetie?" which I found very odd, I've slept around enough and have never encountered this. Most men are happy to have sex regardless. I started to ask him a few questions sexually and he told me I was being vulgar and way too sexually forward and almost made me feel guilty about it. Strange, as to how can you know what someone does and doesn't like if you don't express it?

 

Saw him the other night, he told me I have a vocal fry voice at some point. He just often jokes around that I don't behave or something weird. Told me I was being bossy when I just caringly enquired about the tea that he just made and to make sure it doesn't go cold. When he said that, I had no clue as to how I was being bossy and asked "Oh when?" he didn't answer and I had to ask a few more times. We had sex that night and he wouldn't allow me to touch his genitals as he cums a bit fast, absolutely fine with me. He just got me to stand up for a good 10 minutes, playing and kissing with my behind and I was like, can I lay down with you? He jokingly said I was being lazy and how hard it was for me to just stand up. Sorry for the TMI - he got me on my knees, holding my head and every time I did that, my head would subconsciously go back especially as I was below him and looking up and he said to not move, I couldn't not move my head. He always gets me to suck on the things below but not the actual genitals as it makes him ejaculate quickly. I was doing that and then for the first time he was literally rubbing his genitals up and down to my eye area and I was like "Wow what're you doing? that's my eye" He went in from behind and I was just moving a bit as anyone does in the horizontal mambo and he was like "don't move" "Sweetie, when I tell you to not move, don't" again, in a jokingly manner. Then told me after the sex, I'm only sometimes good and clearly stubborn. I was thinking, this is sex, I'm not a robot. It's supposed to be two people 'making love'. Again, very strange to me.

 

He went to use my phone as we were laying together regarding some video and he saw one of my searches which was porn and I quickly said "Oops, bit of porn" and he was like "Do you really watch porn?" He was also pretty insolent when we were watching a YouTube video together, laughing about something and commented on how cute some lady was that went through a tummy tuck was - to me, there is no time for saying comments like that. Strangely, out of everything, he's very complimentary about my looks (face and body).

 

I find him quite condescending to me as well. For example, comparing his drip coffee to the machine I have at home, he will be like "well how does it exactly grind the beans?" I find emotionally connecting with him also quite difficult, I feel he doesn't want to reveal information at times. I've dated guys before where it just feels so natural, intimate and you can speak on the phone for hours for example. These guys have been my age, a bit older, or even older than this guy. However, this current guy I've seen a handful of times barely asks intimate details or wants to reveal anything."

 

Do you usually date people that treat you like this? He sounds like a real jerk.

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He put in a lot of effort? But you had to clarify after having sex with him what his intentions were towards you? And you got a vague response and no actions consistent with wanting to be with you? What effort? It's easy to put in efforts when you know you have an easy way out -when you know you're not committed.

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I’ve been dating this guy for about 8/9 months. We’re 9 years apart and I don’t notice the age difference.

 

You don't notice the age difference because he has the mental maturity of a 24 year old. And if he has reached the age of 33 and is still behaving like a 24 year old, then chances are that he will keep treating women as if he is a 24 y.o. for as long as he can find women who let him. This is very bad news for any gal who goes after him thinking that they are going to bag a doctor who is age-appropriate for marriage.

 

He invites me to all the 'big' things in his life, for example, we were going to go to his medical ball together (he would've been seen with me in front of other girls if there is anything nefarious).

 

Of course he did. He was showing off how he a 33 y.o. gets to bang a chick who is a decade younger than him. Based on what you have written about this guy in a previous post, you were probably being paraded like a trophy.

 

His concerns were things like ‘I like anime and you don’t’ ‘I like fiction books and you don’t’

 

More evidence that at 33 he has the mental maturity of a 24 year old.

 

He’s studying so after that conversation he said he would decide at the end of his exams, his exams have finished now.

 

Unfortunately, he has to repeat his exams so I may not be able to see him for a while, I do need to clarify that he actually meant this.

 

So you are viewed like a chore to be prioritized like the rest of his chores rather than a human being that he respects and values.

 

He said that he feels it’s not going to work because of our age gap and he claims we're very different people.

 

I personally do not see this as I feel like we share the same values, we're compatible in a lot of areas etc.

 

He gave reasons that are indisputable, true and cannot be changed yet you persist on keeping yourself in denial. If you were really compatible and shared the same values you wouldn't have ended up like this.

 

I did mention that we handle conflict differently but our only arguments have been over text/call and since that's such a poor form of communication - it's hard to tell.

 

Yep, it is a poor form of communication, yet you both chose it, because you both have the mental maturity of a 24 y.o. Poor form of communication = no relationship and you got there because neither of you had the mental maturity to opt for a better way.

 

I asked him if there was anyone else in the picture and he sort of laughed and said he barely has time for me, let alone another person. I felt it was a genuine, honest response.

 

He told you that the reason that there is not anyone else in the picture is that he doesn't have the time for it NOT because he is with you. And you were happy with that reply?!?!?!!!!!????? OP, you seriously need to reflect on your self-esteem.

 

He started to cry (this is the most emotion I've seen from him), saying he won't be able to cook me any more dinners and our memories shared together.

 

Of course he did. He was feeling sorry for himself and how he now has to go through the hassle of finding someone new who will be gullible enough to put up with his crap.

 

**TL;DR** 8 months into dating, he finally broke the news to me that we should end what we have based on our age gap and some differences. I have a feeling it could also be because he’s starting his new job as a doctor (admittedly stressful)

 

He gave you reasons that cannot be changed because he wants to be done. If starting a new job is indeed another reason, then that's another reason to move on ASAP because he views you as a chore rather than a human being.

 

 

In summary, OP don't walk run. If you keep going after Dr Immaturity all you will succeed is end up being used as an emotional safety net to soothe his loneliness and as a stepping stone while he finds his next girlfriend. It's your choice and at this point it is an informed one... Snap out of it. He is using your inexperience against you and has been doing it from day 1. A mature woman/ woman who has self-esteem would not have put up with all this crap and would have given him the boot a long time ago. Let go of this clown, step away, go no contact and work on your self-esteem. Or stay and loose more of your precious time. Your choice.

Edited by Clio
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