Different perspective and life stages

[Wiseman2]

Slow way down. First make sure both of your careers are solid. Then make sure both of you have been able to maintain your own household, car, finances, bills,etc.

 

Children are not baby dolls. They are dependent helpless human beings who need appropriate parenting, homes, food, clothing, medical care and education.

 

Until you both have solid jobs, have managed to at least live together as two adults managing everything, it's irresponsible to bring children into this if you two can't even take care of yourselves yet.

I initially just wanted one kid, it was his vision to have 3 kids. But he want me to have 3 kids when im like in my 30s which could be risky.

[Batya33]

Slow way down. First make sure both of your careers are solid. Then make sure both of you have been able to maintain your own household, car, finances, bills,etc.

 

Children are not baby dolls. They are dependent helpless human beings who need appropriate parenting, homes, food, clothing, medical care and education.

 

Until you both have solid jobs, have managed to at least live together as two adults managing everything, it's irresponsible to bring children into this if you two can't even take care of yourselves yet.

 

I think it depends on the couple not just age. My husband and I didn't live together before marriage, by choice and by logistics/practicalities. Living together isn't essential. The issue here is not readiness but the change of heart and mind her boyfriend has had. He did want marriage (and yes young people can get married and be successful, it depends!) - this person wanted marriage and family with her and now he does not want it with her -he is full of doubts and making excuses. His age is not an excuse unless his reason was "now I want to go to college/grad school/technical school and have a solid way to provide for a family with you so that is why I changed my mind. That's very different from him doing an about face on their common goals with vague excuses and delay tactics. He doesn't want to marry her anymore. That's the point.

[maritalbliss86]

These days most people get married in their early thirties, which is still young enough to have children, so not sure why the rush to have children at 20 and 23. It's like children having children. Your boyfriend is being wise. There's no need to break up the relationship just because he's not ready (rightly so) to get married and have kids at age 20.

 

30's is young enough to have children, but if she desires 3 or more, it IS a lot harder for some people to pull that off. And I've seen women feel pressured to have them back to back and generally, plus women in their 30's and 40's are sometimes more exhausted. Little kids take so much effort physically and mentally, but especially physically... it's actually surprising how much it effects you and can wear on you to have multiple young kids. So that part is easier to handle when you're younger....

 

I'm very glad I had a few years with my husband before kids, yes we got married young, but we grew together and used those years to go out and have lots of fun being a childless couple. Our brains matured together. I've seen couples who got married and had to have a baby literally the next year... they had no time together to just enjoy being childless and carefree. My husband's sister did that, married at 34, got pregnant immediately and had their baby at 35. They thought of having more, but that one baby was so much work, she was done!

 

My husband also agrees from a man's point of view, he's also glad we had that time to bond just the two of us for a few years.

 

And I'm glad I was able to have two our kids in my 20's. It really does sometimes take months to get pregnant, so the last two babies we had pushed out in my 30's and those pregnancies were a lot harder than in my 20's. If I could have manipulated life the way I wanted it to go, I would have had them all in my 20's spaced about 2 years apart. There's something that brings both of us relief when we think about our 40's and knowing most of our kids will be grown or almost grown up! Very freeing.

 

Plus your body bounces back easier in your 20's, at least for the women I've talked to who had babies in different decades and compared the experience.

 

OP, he just doesn't sound ready, and believe me,,. you do not want to pressure this man into marriage and kids!!! That could backfire on you so badly and he could end up resenting you after a few years realizing how hard it is (or just divorcing).

[maritalbliss86]

Since the main point may have been lost, I'll repeat this last sentence:

 

OP, he just doesn't sound ready, and believe me,,. you do not want to pressure this man into marriage and kids!!! That could backfire on you so badly and he could end up resenting you after a few years realizing how hard it is (or just divorcing).

[Batya33]

30's is young enough to have children, but if she desires 3 or more, it IS a lot harder for some people to pull that off. And I've seen women feel pressured to have them back to back and generally, plus women in their 30's and 40's are sometimes more exhausted. Little kids take so much effort physically and mentally, but especially physically... it's actually surprising how much it effects you and can wear on you to have multiple young kids. So that part is easier to handle when you're younger....

 

I'm very glad I had a few years with my husband before kids, yes we got married young, but we grew together and used those years to go out and have lots of fun being a childless couple. Our brains matured together. I've seen couples who got married and had to have a baby literally the next year... they had no time together to just enjoy being childless and carefree. My husband's sister did that, married at 34, got pregnant immediately and had their baby at 35. They thought of having more, but that one baby was so much work, she was done!

 

My husband also agrees from a man's point of view, he's also glad we had that time to bond just the two of us for a few years.

 

And I'm glad I was able to have two our kids in my 20's. It really does sometimes take months to get pregnant, so the last two babies we had pushed out in my 30's and those pregnancies were a lot harder than in my 20's. If I could have manipulated life the way I wanted it to go, I would have had them all in my 20's spaced about 2 years apart. There's something that brings both of us relief when we think about our 40's and knowing most of our kids will be grown or almost grown up! Very freeing.

 

Plus your body bounces back easier in your 20's, at least for the women I've talked to who had babies in different decades and compared the experience.

 

OP, he just doesn't sound ready, and believe me,,. you do not want to pressure this man into marriage and kids!!! That could backfire on you so badly and he could end up resenting you after a few years realizing how hard it is (or just divorcing).

 

I was in better shape to have my child in my early 40s. I knew in advance it would be physically exhausting. No surprises there. In my 20s I didn't eat as properly as I did in my later 30s and when I started trying to conceive. The big downside was emotionally it was more stressful to have a high risk pregnancy (after age 35 is considered so and I was 41 when I got pregnant, my one and only time). I also was much more prepared in every way -including financially -for parenthood in my 40s. I totally get wanting more than one child -I did -but from my perspective whether you start in your 20s or 40s there are no guarantees of having even one child let alone more so the expectations need to be kept in check. I suggested to the OP to get her eggs frozen as a back up.

[Rose Mosse]

I initially just wanted one kid, it was his vision to have 3 kids. But he want me to have 3 kids when im like in my 30s which could be risky.

 

Speak about it with him at a better time. Things are too much right now with his situation.

[Capricorn3]

I feel bad for this guy. He hasn't even had a chance to do anything yet, and the first girl he is with is pressuring him to get married and have babies right away. It's kind of predatory. He hadn't even had his chance to stand on his own two feet, and you don't seem to care about how that would impact him nor kids growing up with a parent like that. Just laser beam focused on wanting pregnancies, no matter what. Why?

I second this post. At age 20 I visualise guys backpacking around the world (minus Covid of course) with their close friends for a couple of years and experiencing life to the fullest. When I think of my son at 20 getting married and having babies I shudder, lol.

[Capricorn3]

have 3 kids when im like in my 30s which could be risky.

That's really interesting. I don't understand at all why having kids at age 30 is risky?? I know it's way way more common when women reach age 40+ the risk factors are much higher, but at age 30? These days it seems a lot of women start their families in their late 20's and into their 30's.

[reinventmyself]

Had my first at 26 and my second at 30.

Uneventful.

When my sons were younger I'd tell them not to get married until they were 30. It was a tongue in cheek comment, half serious mom moment. I just wanted them to be mature and having had some life experience.

I was married at 23 and looking back my ex and I would have benefitted by maturing some before we did. I'm glad we waited to we were settled before starting a family.

I think the younger you are the more idealistic you are about marriage and family.

 

Truth be told, it's super challenging. Nothing wrong with waiting until you are better prepared. Your odds of success go up exponentially. And that's the best gift you can give your kids.

[Batya33]

That's really interesting. I don't understand at all why having kids at age 30 is risky?? I know it's way way more common when women reach age 40+ the risk factors are much higher, but at age 30? These days it seems a lot of women start their families in their late 20's and into their 30's.

 

I think right now over 35 is "advanced maternal age" with additional risks after age 40. Only been pregnant once -right before I turned 42 in 2008. But it keeps changing in the sense that now there's so much more specific and noninvasive diagnosis available so a woman has options earlier on I guess. I refused an amnio and CVS - nothing invasive - but shortly after I gave birth there was a new blood test that could diagnose birth defects much earlier and much more precisely. I had all the available blood tests and all came out normal, as did our son. Also I think there is a risk of preemie that goes up with age and now there are more ways to treat preemies earlier and earlier.