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Hi, I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 20. Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 5 years. I have a good paying job and have completed a degree. I desire to get married soon and have a few children. But although my boyfriend has not completed any studies, he had a good paying job.

 

He intended to propose before the end of this year and already saved the day to get married next year. However, after he lost his job a few months ago. He suddenly blamed me for all my suggestions and encouragements to move towards committment. He is now indicating that he's not ready to get married and have children and wanted to just forget about all our plans until he is established.

 

I understand his desire to be established first, but he wants us to move in together and leave all these important events behind. I love him, but he seemed very strong to his perspective that he establishes his life first before marriage.

 

I don't know if it's worth continuing my relationship with him. Any advice would be appreciated

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You've been together since he was 15?

 

Do you both live with parents now?

Slow down. Don't live together. He needs to solidify his finances, job, etc.

 

What's the rush? Is this an arranged marriage?

Hi, I am 23 years old and my boyfriend is 20. have been together for nearly 5 years. [/Quote]
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He sounds very smart but at the same time making foolish decisions.

 

He started dating you when he was a child and you were an “adult”

He responded to you in the manner a child would to a parent.

He assumed you knew better.

 

He is now an adult and responding to you as one.

Albeit a bit cowardly.

 

He doesn’t want to commit to you and rightfully so.

What he is offering instead is convenience. Because of his uncertainty about the relationship and his decisions surrounding it.

 

You would be making a foolish decision to accept his counter offer which is based on uncertainty. Only.

 

What was your purpose in gaining a degree?

If you want a career you need to work on it and cement it before having children.

You have that opportunity right now. Why would you give it up?

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I'm not sure what moving in together achieves. In my mind this just looks like furniture and people shuffling around but the issue of his employment or not feeling ready for life in general isn't resolved.

 

What I'd suggest is being more patient with each other overall and not making any big moves. For all you know his suggestions might have startled him too (what was he thinking?). He doesn't sound in the right frame of mind to be making these decisions at the moment and may have said them in exasperation so leave the topic for now.

 

I'd wait until at least early next year perhaps. The engagement can be post-poned.

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You've been together since he was 15?

 

Do you both live with parents now?

Slow down. Don't live together. He needs to solidify his finances, job, etc.

 

What's the rush? Is this an arranged marriage?

Well, I live with my sister and just the beginning of this year my bf moved in with us. But we sleep in different rooms.

 

It is not an arranged marriage. We really do love each other. It was just something we planned a couple of years ago when he was still working.

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He sounds very smart but at the same time making foolish decisions.

 

He started dating you when he was a child and you were an “adult”

He responded to you in the manner a child would to a parent.

He assumed you knew better.

 

He is now an adult and responding to you as one.

Albeit a bit cowardly.

 

He doesn’t want to commit to you and rightfully so.

What he is offering instead is convenience. Because of his uncertainty about the relationship and his decisions surrounding it.

 

You would be making a foolish decision to accept his counter offer which is based on uncertainty. Only.

 

What was your purpose in gaining a degree?

If you want a career you need to work on it and cement it before having children.

You have that opportunity right now. Why would you give it up?

He wanted to commit but I guess hes been depressed after losing his job. He wants to cancel everything we planned and wanted to focus on getting employed and living together before marriage and kids. But I'm already 23 and I want to have 3 children. I'm scared that he might not get established until I'm like 30 or 35 T.T
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I'm not sure what moving in together achieves. In my mind this just looks like furniture and people shuffling around but the issue of his employment or not feeling ready for life in general isn't resolved.

 

What I'd suggest is being more patient with each other overall and not making any big moves. For all you know his suggestions might have startled him too (what was he thinking?). He doesn't sound in the right frame of mind to be making these decisions at the moment and may have said them in exasperation so leave the topic for now.

 

I'd wait until at least early next year perhaps. The engagement can be post-poned.

Yeah, I guess so. Thanks Rose
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His plan is quite sensible. He needs to solidify himself financially first. You need to get out of your sisters house.

 

You seem to be pushing and shoving forward with this married 3 kids ASAP plan, despite how unreasonable it is.

 

Relax. Who is pressuring you to have 3 kids by age 26? And who's going to pay the mortgage and bills and for the kids?

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It was just something we planned a couple of years ago when he was still working.

 

He was 18 a couple years ago, Hannah.

 

I'm afraid to tell you that the life plans I made at 18 are a far cry from where I am now at 39. In other words, at 18 he was in no position to be making long-term, "forever" plans. He was too young and inexperienced for that.

 

He's been dating you since he was only 15. He's still figuring out who he is and what he wants from life, as most of us are at 20 (and at your age, too) I would nix the talk of marriage for now. He may be a little older but he's clearly not truly ready for that yet. He's right that marriage before he's established is not a good idea.

 

I would also not move out into a place of your own until he's re-established himself for a while in a new job. It would be a recipe for disaster.

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Well.... I think he's doing what most 20 years old do... he's figuring things out.

 

You're not that much older in years but sounds like you could be experience wise.

 

You have a degree... this opens more doors for you professionally. If you married him and had kids, you would probably need to continue to work full time. Even if he has a good job, I'm guessing its not enough to support a family alone.

 

So in a way he is being more realistic about what he has to offer than you are, eventhough you're older and more educated.

 

That's most likely because you're both young. I know a few couples that married young and they lasted. So I'm not saying it doesn't happen.

 

But! its a fact that the brain's frontal lobe is not fully developed until mid to late 20s! This explains why we all make decisions in our 20s that we look back on like-- what was i thinking? lol

 

To be honest... if you want to be married and have 3 kids in the next 5 years, you need a different guy. you need someone that wants that and has been working towards that over the last couple years. Someone probably a few years older, already in a good career, and ready financially to start a family.

 

this bf? he is already behind on your timeline. you will be close to 30 by the time his ready. he'll only be 27, which is still young to be ready for a family. And there's no guarantee this will happen. he hasn't proved to be on this path (nothing wrong with this except it doesn't match you)

 

So the decision is yours. Just make sure its based on reality, not potential.

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His mindset is more common than not--men want to be financially sound before getting married. And you can't, plus shouldn't marry someone who isn't 100 percent confident in doing so. Therefore, your plans will likely have to change, whether that means staying with him or not. Sometimes you have to come to a consensus when it means taking your partner's wants and needs in to consideration.

 

With life experience, which you're both in the process of tucking under your belt, you might find that you want to tweak your plans as well. I originally wanted four children, and wanted the second one three years after the first. Well, after the first, when it came time for that spacing, I wasn't ready to try for another. Then when I was ready to try, it took me six months longer than expected to conceive. She was such a difficult baby, and I found two children was all I could handle and that was it for me.

 

When he gets a job, I'd suggest he get his own place. If I were you, I'd gauge his true interest in continuing on with you by sitting back and letting him make a bit more of the effort with you. Because I have a feeling you're a go-getter and have likely been driving this train, with him on board and letting you take the lead. Don't move in together if marriage is your goal. You'll see by his efforts or lack of if he's in this as much as you or not.

 

It is a high risk dating only one throughout all these younger years. Some people want to sow their wild oats and have more dating experiences before finally settling down. I don't know what the case is here.

 

I got married at 21, before being mature enough to make such an important decision. When marriages work out from that age, I think of it as pure luck. I wished I'd waited until I was in my late 20s, using a more mature brain. Because my first marriage ended. As an older person with more life experience, I was able to make a much wiser decision in choosing my second husband.

 

Either believe he's worth the wait without pressure, or chug on with your life plan by starting anew with someone who has the same life goals as you. Although, it will take a lot of dating to find that man, plus years of dating him to see if you indeed match in all the major ways. Take care and let us know how it goes.

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I have 2 young adult sons. One is married.

I had read somewhere that young men need to feel a sense of accomplishment before they feel even close to being ready to married.

 

Young men don't have the idealistic vision of marital life and babies that young women do.

 

They see it as a huge responsibility and need to be in the right place emotionally and financially before they can consider it.

 

Your boyfriend isn't there. It's normal. Don't take it personally.

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He's 20 years old. My ex husband pressured me to marry him when I was just 21. We got engaged and then married when I was barely 22. I did not want to get married, not yet, but he gave me an ultimatum; marry him or he'd break up with me.

 

I sometimes think if we'd only waited a few years we might have made it. Or maybe not. But marrying him when I wasn't ready and when I was so unsure about life was a big, big mistake.

 

Think about why you want kids NOW. Why? To satisfy some arbitrary deadline you made up in your own head?

 

Do not try to force him to marry you when he is not ready.

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He changed his mind about wanting to marry you - it's kind of common at his age and even more so given his life circumstances. My friend's daughter started dating her husband when she was a young teenager -he is a few years older -they married at 17/19 and have been married for about seven years -two young kids. They are very happy. Frontal lobe or no - they are happily married. They did not live together before marriage - living together is not wrong but it is not an essential stage before marrying. And a couple who shares physical space might not be any more emotionally committed -depends on why they are living together. I don't think his wanting to live together is because he wants to marry you. He's trying to delay marriage and play at being a couple. My husband and I married and became first time parents at age 42. We were extremely committed and serious before we married and we did not live together officially.

 

If you are worried at all about your fertility save up $ and freeze your eggs. When I was in my early 30s I wanted to do that but it wasn't yet viable -you had to freeze an embryo and I was single/didn't want to use a sperm donor. There is no reason typically that you will have issues having kids after age 30 or 35 unless you have a specific issue but you can freeze your eggs. He doesn't want to marry you right now and he doesn't know when he will want to. So if you want to marry in the near future or young he is not the guy. I know of many happily married couples who married very young. My parents were one of them plus friends. But he is not the guy. He doesn't want to marry you -he changed his mind. I'm really sorry!!

 

I would take space from him completely with no ultimatum. At some point in the future if he changes his mind he knows where to find you. I'm sorry.

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my boyfriend is 20. . He is now indicating that he's not ready to get married and have children and wanted to just forget about all our plans until he is established.

Your boyfriend is being very very wise. He's very young, barely out of his teens, and his brain is not even fully developed yet (that happens at about age 25). He hasn't even completed his studies, nor has a job. It makes sense to get yourself established first. There is no need to rush into marriage and kids at such a young age. I wouldn't even move in together at this stage either.

 

These days most people get married in their early thirties, which is still young enough to have children, so not sure why the rush to have children at 20 and 23. It's like children having children. Your boyfriend is being wise. There's no need to break up the relationship just because he's not ready (rightly so) to get married and have kids at age 20.

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Your boyfriend is being very very wise. He's very young, barely out of his teens, and his brain is not even fully developed yet (that happens at about age 25). He hasn't even completed his studies, nor has a job. It makes sense to get yourself established first. There is no need to rush into marriage and kids at such a young age. I wouldn't even move in together at this stage either.

 

These days most people get married in their early thirties, which is still young enough to have children, so not sure why the rush to have children at 20 and 23. It's like children having children. Your boyfriend is being wise. There's no need to break up the relationship just because he's not ready (rightly so) to get married and have kids at age 20.

Yeah, you're right @Capricorn3, I love him and don't want to break up
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He changed his mind about wanting to marry you - it's kind of common at his age and even more so given his life circumstances. My friend's daughter started dating her husband when she was a young teenager -he is a few years older -they married at 17/19 and have been married for about seven years -two young kids. They are very happy. Frontal lobe or no - they are happily married. They did not live together before marriage - living together is not wrong but it is not an essential stage before marrying. And a couple who shares physical space might not be any more emotionally committed -depends on why they are living together. I don't think his wanting to live together is because he wants to marry you. He's trying to delay marriage and play at being a couple. My husband and I married and became first time parents at age 42. We were extremely committed and serious before we married and we did not live together officially.

 

If you are worried at all about your fertility save up $ and freeze your eggs. When I was in my early 30s I wanted to do that but it wasn't yet viable -you had to freeze an embryo and I was single/didn't want to use a sperm donor. There is no reason typically that you will have issues having kids after age 30 or 35 unless you have a specific issue but you can freeze your eggs. He doesn't want to marry you right now and he doesn't know when he will want to. So if you want to marry in the near future or young he is not the guy. I know of many happily married couples who married very young. My parents were one of them plus friends. But he is not the guy. He doesn't want to marry you -he changed his mind. I'm really sorry!!

 

I would take space from him completely with no ultimatum. At some point in the future if he changes his mind he knows where to find you. I'm sorry.

Never though about freezing an egg, but it's a good idea. Thanks for your advice @Batya33
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He's 20 years old. My ex husband pressured me to marry him when I was just 21. We got engaged and then married when I was barely 22. I did not want to get married, not yet, but he gave me an ultimatum; marry him or he'd break up with me.

 

I sometimes think if we'd only waited a few years we might have made it. Or maybe not. But marrying him when I wasn't ready and when I was so unsure about life was a big, big mistake.

 

Think about why you want kids NOW. Why? To satisfy some arbitrary deadline you made up in your own head?

 

Do not try to force him to marry you when he is not ready.

Thanks boltnrun, I won't force him
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I have 2 young adult sons. One is married.

I had read somewhere that young men need to feel a sense of accomplishment before they feel even close to being ready to married.

 

Young men don't have the idealistic vision of marital life and babies that young women do.

 

They see it as a huge responsibility and need to be in the right place emotionally and financially before they can consider it.

 

Your boyfriend isn't there. It's normal. Don't take it personally.

Thanks for you advice @reinventmyself, I appreciate it
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I feel bad for this guy. He hasn't even had a chance to do anything yet, and the first girl he is with is pressuring him to get married and have babies right away. It's kind of predatory. He hadn't even had his chance to stand on his own two feet, and you don't seem to care about how that would impact him nor kids growing up with a parent like that. Just laser beam focused on wanting pregnancies, no matter what. Why?

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