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Cross-Cultural realtionship, unclear breakup motives


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Hi guys,

 

sorry for the long text. I couldn't cut it any sorter unfortunately...

 

I find myself in a very complicated situation right now. I went to México for a one-year exchange. In June, I met my ex and we had been together for 5 months when she broke up with me 3 weeks ago. The first 3,5 months, the honey moon stage, were obviously very nice. We both enjoyed each other’s company. We were both really heavily into each other- on many levels: personally, sexually etc. There was a huge attraction between us. During the first three months, she had a lot of free time, because she wasn’t allowed to work due to the pandemic, so she basically had a lot of free time. As from September, she started a new job and that was basically also when things started to become complicated. She told me right from the start that she was a person who needed a lot of space. I was ok with that, because I also need a lot of space. However, nonetheless, we spent our first three months incredibly close. So when she started her new job, I didn't manage to adapt quickly enough because I had gotten used to the closeness. Eventually, we gradually went from seeing each other 3-4 full days a week 24h during the weekends and one day during the week. I was ok with that.

 

However, even when we saw each other then, she would often not stick to her own (new) rules. For example, she would tell me that the next morning I would have to leave early so she could work, but then she asked me if I wanted to have breakfast with her and watch netflix together or sometimes we eve had sex. Consequently, I often ended up leaving at 1 pm instead of 9 am. As she offered these activities, I never expected it would be a problem. But as it turns out, for her it was an argument to break up with me saying “you don’t stick to our rules”, “it makes me feel uncomfortable to tell you to leave if you don’t leave by yourself”, “we have different ideas of a relationship”. This kind of behaviour really confuses me. Apparently it’s a cultural issue- Mexicans don’t like to throw you out of their house, so they are waiting for you to make the first move. I didn’t know that and she didn’t tell me until we broke up.

 

She was already showing signs of being unhappy in late September.. That was the first time she told me she was unhappy because she felt I needed more attention than she could give me and that we might not be compatible. I told her that my previous relationships had been different and that I was used to spending much more time with my girlfriend thinking it was “normal", but that it was a matter of adaptation rather than me being someone who has a different idea of a relationship than her. I basically don’t have any expectations in this regard. Everybody is different...If my gf is busy, then she is busy. I don’t take it personally. For me, there is no rule as to how often I have to see my girlfriend. She didn’t really seem to believe me though.

 

About 3 weeks later (mid October), she came around to tell me she wanted to break up. And she gave me the same reasons again. I didn’t really buy into it though, because I had already changed my behaviour by then and we were already seeing each other significantly less. Also, it wasn’t that I was always asking if we could see each other, she asked me just as much, so I don’t think that I acted needy (we still felt very attracted to each other during this time and still had sex on a regular basis, sometimes multiple times a day). She then started to give me other reasons: “I feel like your mother sometimes”, “I feel detached”, “you are not enough of a gentleman” ("la caballerosidad” still plays a role in Mexico, but I’m having difficulties sometimes being a bossy man who doesn’t at least ask his gf if it’s ok before he does something). Interestingly, when we first met, she told me that me liked me exactly for the fact that I’m not a typical Mexican man. So I don’t know if she was telling me the truth…She also told me I wasn’t dominant enough but then told me she had broken up with her ex because he was too dominant and she didn't like that because she was an independen woman..So as you can see, it’s all very confusing.

 

In September, I had to go to hospital 3 times, because I was very ill. I think that’s when she started to put herself into the role of a “mother” and started to see me as a weak person or even her patient. I don’t know. I told her that I felt very sorry for this and that I didn't want to be in this role- she always offered to accompany me to the hospital (to prevent language barrier problems, she is also a medical doctor). She kind of adopted this role of acting more like my doctor than my gf and she was also trying to boss me around. I told her that and then she then said “ok, you got a point there, I kind of pushed you into this role”. She then decided to give it another chance. However, in my opinion she never really did. She turned pretty cold. Another 10 days later, after she had basically been acting very cold and indifferent for a couple of days, I decided to pop around her house to talk (I actually wanted to break up because I didn’t like the way she was treating me). We were going to see each other on a Thursday, but I went around on a Wednesday to talk (she used that later as another reason to tell me I wasn’t sticking to her rules). So we talked and I told her I didn’t like the way she was treating me and that I thought it wouldn’t work out anymore. She then gave me her same old reasons again and told me that she felt we were too different..We broke up, but I slept at her place, we were both crying the whole night. I didn’t exactly beg and plead, but I told her I felt it was a shame we never really worked on our issues, because I felt they were all solvable. She kept insisting she wanted to stay in touch with me and stay friends. I told her I didn’t know if I could be her friend.

 

The next morning, I went back to my place and we didn't have any contact for 4 days. On the 4th day she got in touch with me again, asking if I would like to stay in touch with her and if she could come around on Wednesday to see me. I agreed. She then came around that day and we watched our series together. She would hug me, tickle me, take my hand etc. I told her it confused me she was doing this, then we started to talk and had another, very emotional conversation (which I now regret).

 

The thing is that I had to go back to Germany to take my final exam (I’m also about to become a medical doctor). I was only going to be away for 2 months though, I had already booked my return flight to return to Mexico after my exam. I asked her if she had broken up with me because she was afraid I wouldn’t come back. And then she said “No, I trust you. If you say you’re coming back then I trust you”. We went to have a very emotional conversation again about our relationship and she kept saying we were too different. That she loved me and that it was breaking her heart to break up with me..blah blah The usual…Another week later, we saw each other again. She initiated the contact again, she asked if we could see each other. Same game basically. We talked again. I now know that it was a mistake. The thing is she also actively engaged in the conversation, but later told me she didn’t like the fact we kept talking about it.. So I don’t know why she didn’t simply tell me that then I would have stopped the conversation.

 

Last Sunday was my last day in Mexico. I was feeling very bad emotionally. But she kept insisting she wanted to come around to say goodbye. She brought me a cake, so I felt I couldn’t say no, but I didn’t really feel good about it. We had had an argument a couple of days before and she told me she needed “time and silence”. So I gave her that, I didn’t get in touch with her anymore. However, then she reproached me a couple of days later that I seemed indifferent and she felt I didn’t want to see her. It was driving me crazy. I was very annoyed, because I felt that whatever I did or said wasn’t right. She wants space- I give her space, but then she wants to see me again. She wants silence, I give her silence, but then she complains I’m not talking to her. So when she arrived on Sunday, I kind of had a nervous break down because it was too much for me to cope with emotionally- going back to Germany after such a long time in Mexico (leaving behind all my routines, my friends etc.), my upcoming exams (they are my final exams to becoming a medical doctor) and the situation with her. I didn’t talk to her a lot. She didn’t like it and asked me if we could speak. I then explained to her that I was annoyed and confused and that she made me feel as if everything was my fault. She wasn’t really very compassionate and told me it was my own fault if I felt like that because had never said she would blame me (she was though, indirectly). Later she turned more understanding, but initially she was pretty unfriendly.

 

Inspite of yet another difficult conversation, she still gave me a lift to the airport the other day and accompanied me until the very last moment. We said goodbye and we were both really sad. However, I haven’t heard from her ever since (it’s been a week now exactly). It’s the longest time I haven’t heard from her. Before my flight took off, I asked her if she still wanted to stay in touch (because I was confused).

She told me that she didn't feel like talking to me at the moment but that she didn't know how she would feel in the future (that's an interesting plot twist, because she had initially been the one insisiting we kept in touch). Maybe she is finally taking her time to heal now and it’s good she is also giving me some space to heal, but still I’m very confused. I think she is still mad at me for what happened the day before I left.

 

She has basically given me very contradicting reasons all the time. She says A and then does B. I don’t understand her behaviour. I only know I love her a lot, it was love at first sight and I think she felt the same..Our first 3,5 months were very lovely. She told me I was the first guy she felt so happy with and that she couldn't believe it and that she also felt it was a bit scary. I felt the same about her. I think we really love each other a lot. We were together, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We got along really well. We didn't have any major arguments, we never shouted at each other. We were like soul mates right from the start.

 

She broke up with me so I am assuming it is final, but it really hurts a lot and I don’t know if maybe she broke up because the fact I had to go back to Germany? The thing is she is doing psychotherapy, because she is always afraid of losing control. So I think the fact I went back to Germany is kind of the worst nightmare coming true for somebody with her personality structure could have- she will totally not have things under control while I’m here in Germany. She will have to trust me and I think that’s also something she has issues with, because she was once cheated on. She denies it all though and insist we're incompatible. What do you guys think about this?

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