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I've been officially single over a week but in reality after not seeing my ex since September Ive been emotionally single a lot longer.

 

To summarise breaking up came about due to covid restrictions, growing apart during the lockdowns and just not being the right fit for me. We started dating around this time last year but haven't spent tons of time together due to covid. She is heartbroken and I'm upset about that part of her being upset but personally I feel fine about breaking up, I know I made the right choice and I'm on the right path for me and excited about the new chapter in my life once this virus is in check.

 

With all this in mind I'd like to take up online dating over next couple of months, chat to some people, hopefully make a good connection and go on a socially distanced walk or some safe activity for a date.

 

My worry is upsetting my ex, I know she has friends who are on these apps and they would have no hesitation in telling her and stirring, I'd hate to upset her even more and think I should maybe wait a little longer, but then at the same time this year has shown life is too short for that, I should be doing what's right for me, or is that a very selfish way to look?

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Don't look over your shoulder worrying about what an ex thinks.

 

Use high quality/paid dating apps. Less chance of random swipers. Better for meeting more serious daters.

 

Don't live in the shadows of an ex. Either you are ready to chat and meet women, or you are not.

 

Make 100% sure the ex and All her people are deleted and blocked from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

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With gentleness -get over yourself -for all you know she's right now starting up a brand new romance. And if she's not she might be happy about that too. Also you're single just like before -you two weren't married, your relationship may have been close but wasn't long term and you weren't engaged/planning to get engaged very soon or get married.

 

If her friends want to tell her what you're up to, oh well. She's an adult and can tell them not to tell her, avoid them, whatever she wants to do, perhaps she'll tell them while she's texting with her new love interest who came out of the woodwork. Please don't tell yourself you know all about her and her life. You don't. You're not in it.

 

My ex had zero clue that, after I met up with my future husband -after we reconnected for a catch up dinner -he also being a long ago ex -that all of a sudden sparks flew. Ex and I were still in touch at the time -we'd broken up 6 months earlier. But I didn't tell him anything other than I had that catch up dinner -no, not to make him jealous -it was so surreal even to think that catching up with that long ago ex would go beyond a quick dinner that I told him (it wasn't a date, at all). I didn't tell him that after that we started slowly seeing each other platonically and then we got back together. Two months later I told him I was flying to another state to join him on his business trip. My ex was really surprised. Why? Because he's an ex and had no inside info on my life. Same for you -for all you know someone has been waiting in the wings for you to exit so he can swoop in and court her properly. You don't know. And it's none of your business. She could have been heartbroken last week and feeling mighty fine this week whether it's because of a man she met or just relief that you're gone.

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You have ended it buddy .... You have been respectful and waited until it was over . You have played your part and now it is time to continue with life ..

 

I think you're a very nice person for considering her feelings ...shame her own friends wont show the same consideration , but that is out of your hands now .

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You did the right thing. It sucks to be dumped. period. there's nothing you can do to help her.

 

With that in mind, don't limit yourself for someone you are not in a relationship with.

 

And I also echo the get over yourself comment. We've all hurt people and been hurt. For as upset a she may have been in front of you, she may feel some relief, too. And given time she will find someone better for her.

 

You both deserve that. Relationships end. Focus on you.

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This shows that you are a caring person but at what point do you need to totally let go and fully get on with your life?

 

After the first of the year is a good time to get back out there using OLD so in the mean time you can work on getting some good recent pictures of yourself and figure out what your profile will say.

 

The kindest thing you did was stop the relationship from lingering so you both can heal and move on. Look at it this way. When she hears you are dating again all hope in her will disappear that you might come back to her and that is a good thing.

 

Lost

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I've been officially single over a week but in reality after not seeing my ex since September Ive been emotionally single a lot longer.

 

To summarise breaking up came about due to covid restrictions, growing apart during the lockdowns and just not being the right fit for me. We started dating around this time last year but haven't spent tons of time together due to covid. She is heartbroken and I'm upset about that part of her being upset but personally I feel fine about breaking up, I know I made the right choice and I'm on the right path for me and excited about the new chapter in my life once this virus is in check.

 

With all this in mind I'd like to take up online dating over next couple of months, chat to some people, hopefully make a good connection and go on a socially distanced walk or some safe activity for a date.

 

My worry is upsetting my ex, I know she has friends who are on these apps and they would have no hesitation in telling her and stirring, I'd hate to upset her even more and think I should maybe wait a little longer, but then at the same time this year has shown life is too short for that, I should be doing what's right for me, or is that a very selfish way to look?

 

I don't know what does this mean, the bold part and your first sentence. You are not emotionally single if you're still mindful and fearful or curious about your ex, her reactions or actions or anything she does or could potentially do.

 

There's some conflict in your writing, ideas and feelings at war or twisting. I'd sort these out before getting on a dating app or putting yourself out there.

 

I agree on removing past contacts with the previous person you were involved with. There seems to be some understanding missing between the both of you. Continuing to keep her on your list of contacts on social media or elsewhere is only shooting yourself in the foot and self-sabotaging. This wasn't a mutual break so it's best to treat it that way. Her feelings may be valid but they are not a part of your world any longer.

 

Hopefully things will settle down soon and you can feel more like yourself or more free to be yourself.

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I'm curious about lots of my exes - I've always been a curious person! Nothing to do with my commitment to my husband or commitments in the past.

I wouldn't do the whole "emotionally single" analysis - you were dating someone exclusively. The only difference now is if you date someone you won't be cheating on your ex. Your physical distance from her doesn't make you emotionally single. My parents used to see each other about once a month for the 4 years my dad was in medical school in another state. My husband and I would go about two weeks without seeing each other when we were long distance. What you mean is you weren't that into her while you were apart. But that has nothing to do with readiness to date after stopping a dating relationship. I typically was ready within days.

 

I didn't analyze all the fancy "is this rebound" "am I emotionally single" -I was just ready to look for a husband again. But if heaven forbid my husband passed away or something awful happened and we weren't married anymore I am fairly certain for practical and emotional reasons I'd wait a loooonngg time. To me marriage and LTRs where you're like married are different -you intertwine your lives -you share your families and friends - you share seasons and promotions and illnesses and family dinners and pets and maybe kids over many years. You can feel very intense after very short term relationships but the history and interwtwining makes it much easier to move on. IMO.

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Thanks for the positive comments

 

Just as a side note - I don't think being mindful of someone's feelings just because you've broke up is a bad thing. I think some on this forum recently are way off with their views and are almost poisonous

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It's one thing to be mindful or curious and it's another to let it control how you live your life after a break up. The confusion there or lack of confidence seems off to me. I don't think anyone you're seeing in the future would be too pleased to know that you are still worried about what your ex thinks or feels.

 

There's a lot of room for posts to be taken out of context especially when there are so many emotions and hurt feelings. If you're still raw from the break up, maybe call a spade a spade. You don't have to live in misery or solitary and by all means, if speaking to new individuals helps you, I'd say go for it. It's contradictory though to say that you want to start seeing new people but are worrying about how she feels. Let go of all that. This is meant as encouragement.

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You have missed the point and cherry picked. I've quite clearly put in the post I know I've done the right thing and don't feel sad at all about breaking up and looking forward to future dating life.

 

My main concern is not upsetting someone. If you can't relate to that then you're not much of a caring person imo

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I can understand why the others responded the way they did. I mean, if I were one of the women you met for a walk and maybe clicked with, I would wonder why you care what your ex thinks. I would probably wonder if perhaps you aren't sure you should have broken up and that maybe you still have an emotional attachment to this ex. Whether you do or not, it could appear that way.

 

I get that you don't want to hurt others but dating isn't "hurting" your ex. I'm sure she expects you to date. I doubt she expects you to remain single forever just to avoid hurting her.

 

Also, who cares what her friends say? If they're THAT invested in what you do, I'd say they need to get a life.

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if I were one of the women you met for a walk and maybe clicked with, I would wonder why you care what your ex thinks. I would probably wonder if perhaps you aren't sure you should have broken up and that maybe you still have an emotional attachment to this ex. Whether you do or not, it could appear that way.

 

Same. I would think he was not ready to date.

 

Personally, I've always waited at least a month between relationships, for the purposes of clearing my mind. I've done this since I was a teenager.

 

As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that doing this was also considerate to the next person who comes along, because I didn't inadvertently drag my unresolved baggage along with me into the new relationship.

 

I know that people date to "move on," so to speak, but that's not how you really move on.

 

Having once been on the other side of a rebound, I learned to steer way clear of guys who have feelings and/or concerns about their past relationships.

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You've all totally got the wrong end of the stick here and again cherry picking comments and ignoring me saying I am 100% sure I know I have down right thing (see other posts)

 

I give up on this forum tbh, as has been said on other posts, this place has gone downhill

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If you're worried about your girlfriend's feelings and want to meet other people, why don't you just join join Meetup? Why rush into dating when you are still preoccupied with your girlfriend? Not very considerate of the next girl, frankly.

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Thanks for the positive comments

 

Just as a side note - I don't think being mindful of someone's feelings just because you've broke up is a bad thing. I think some on this forum recently are way off with their views and are almost poisonous

 

So what's a bit poisonous is you dilly dallying about what to do about her for months knowing she was so attached to you. I've done that, I've been where you are, kind of - I was with an amazing guy, for example, who simply wasn't amazing for me -and we were on and off for 7 years while I tortured myself constantly about why in the world did I have the doubts I did, why did I have these wild mood swing and panic about the relationship when - when we were happy we were so happy, when I knew I loved him despite not feeling "in love" enough of the time -drove myself crazy. I really do get it.

 

But. It's not her fault you made this choice and dragged this out - and it's why now you're worried about her feelings. Yes it's thoughtful to be concerned about another person. But the way you are reacting to that is this kind of beating yourself up and picturing her pining away for you just because last week she was heartbroken. That's why I wrote -with gentleness - get over yourself. If her friends are so obnoxious as to report on seeing you on a dating site (yes I've been there too -I was reported to when I did not ask or want to know) - that's her deal. She knows what to do. Now - should you show up at a party you know she will be at with a lovely lady on your arm and gush all over her? No. That's cruel and unnecessary unless it's discussed beforehand (like a wedding you're both invited to) - but being on the same dating site or app? That's life -you also could run into any number of her friends while you're out on a date.

 

In 2003 I dated a new dad - his ex girlfriend got pregnant, he broke up with her. He started dating me a couple of months later. She had the baby. A few weeks later he and I went to a movie - Cold Mountain. Huge movie theater, huge city. Who's sitting two rows behind us -her girlfriends. Who stared me down, stared him down, etc. Then apparently reported to her that they'd seen him out with me. He was staying over at her place once a week to help with the newborn. All of this - too much for me. I was in my 30s, no kids, and between him sleeping over there, her still being into him and the mom of his newborn and then being given the cold as ice stare down during cold mountain - it just wasn't gonna work. But no he should not have felt guilty at all about being seen out with me even if he knew her "friends" would report it. Please. Same to you. If you feel you strung her along I think you already apologized to her. She's been through this rodeo before - you're not her first disappointment and you won't be her last - cause that's just life. But again - know that for all your guilt she might be living it up right now hunkering down with some hottie who couldn't go home for thanksgiving because of covid so he swiped on tinder (is that how it's done?) and they totally clicked and are having some hot cocoa and pie -maybe even with a splash of grand marnier.

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My worry is upsetting my ex, I know she has friends who are on these apps and they would have no hesitation in telling her and stirring, I'd hate to upset her even more and think I should maybe wait a little longer, but then at the same time this year has shown life is too short for that, I should be doing what's right for me, or is that a very selfish way to look?

 

On the one hand you think that you should maybe wait a little longer. On the other hand you think that you should be doing what's right for you. These are very opposing thoughts. Imo, you need to reflect carefully on where the guilt is coming from and only you can answer that.

 

The moment you broke up, you effectively told her through this action that you are through and want to move on from her. If you start dating, how is this any different? What is this guilt if you feel sure about the break up and were clear to her about it? The only reason to feel guilt is if you told or implied to her that you don't intend to date in the immediate future. Did you? If not, there is no foul.

 

It sounds like this is more about worrying about what other people may say (her and her friends) than worrying about her feelings and that's no use to either of you. You can move on anytime you choose. In fact, you would probably doing her a favor as waiting could lead her to false hope.

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OP watch if you can the episode in Season Six of Sex and the City where Miranda ends things with Blair Underwood because she is just not feeling the spark with him and he is totally besotted with her. She gets back together with her ex and Blair sees them together (he lives in the same building). So Miranda is feeling soooo awful about her heartbroken ex and wants to make things right. So she makes herself go to his place to knock on his door and explain how badly she feels. He opens the door and you see in the background a beautiful woman dressed for romance - he smiles at Miranda and says something like hey what are you doing here - then he tells the hottie lady to wait a minute -Miranda realizes he is doing quite well without her and leaves.

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It's over. Don't feel guilty about being happy to move on. It's actually healthier to feel relieved about accepting an unsuccessful relationship as history and recover faster. It's unhealthier and worse to ruminate and dwell on "what could've been" or worse yet, pitifully beg, plead and implore to recapture a hopeless relationship.

 

Don't fret about your ex. She's a big girl and can take care of herself. Let time do the healing for her. Someday, both of you will become a distant blur. Speaking of distance, make a complete and final disconnect with her including social media, apps and the like. Both of you need to be "out of sight, out of mind" in order to truly move on.

 

In the past, I felt a bit guilty for being happy to move on and in my case, my story was different than yours. Whether it's relationships, friendships or former ties with relatives, sentiments are quite similar. Nowadays, I feel a tremendous sense of RELIEF when certain relationships either abruptly dissolved, drifted apart or faded away because it was meant to be. If anyone still remains together, then obviously any and all relationships were meant to be because you want to be together. Whenever there is a parting of ways, incompatibility was the reason so it makes sense to cease being together. There are a gamut of reasons, bad blood (past feuds), sad circumstances, economic, character differences, bad character defects, unforgivable sins and what have you. The more I think about it, the happier I am to rid of certain toxic people in my life who disrespected me (which is an understatement btw), broke cardinal rules of decency and integrity and didn't care to bring me joy. In other words, some people are simply unrewarding in a multitude of ways.

 

No, it's not selfish to be happy to move on. I'll take it a step further. I feel downright giddy and as if I received a "get out of jail" free pass! :D Do what you have to do to survive and save your sanity. That's been my mantra and motto as of late. It does wonders for the soul. :smug: Change the way you think and it all makes sense to you or at least it did for me anyway.

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