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Physical Abuse and Stranger’s Attention


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I’m very confused about my partner. We have been together for close to two years. About two months ago I abruptly kicked him out of my house. He has been physically and emotionally abusive for quite some time now with some change but not enough for me to trust him living with me. The problem is he is living with his ex-wife until he gets a place of his own and it’s wearing on us. He is hiding our relationship from his family. Because of this we don’t connect the way we used to.

My emotions are a roller coaster and we fight so much because I feel he’s negative and he feels I am negative. I have been begging him to communicate and work extra hard while we’re going through this phase in hopes to restore our relationship while he works on not being abusive.

I work in an area where I see people on a regular basis and lately there has been a customer who continually comes back to talk with me. The man is a business owner who my company does business with and I love my boyfriend so I am not willing to entertain any romantic relationship with this person. The man is respectful but he keeps expressing interest in me. It’s very hard when someone who is essentially a stranger is paying more attention to me than the man I love. The man has been coming around to my work regularly for at least a month. I don’t think that I am encouraging him to keep coming back but it is nice that someone cares about me.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong even when I’m not. I’m professional to the point and I told him that I have a boyfriend. I have talked with my boyfriend repeatedly about can you tension to our relationship and the things that I need from him and he keeps telling me to be patient if he can’t give those thing to me right now because his ex wife might kick him out of her house and he has no other place to go. He assures me that he loves me and he’s being honest with me and he’s working on his abusive tendencies, but it is so hard to believe him when he doesn’t text or call as often as I think he should.

I am so afraid that we won’t get back to a place of trust and intimacy like we were before I kicked him out. He thinks I overreacted because the physical abuse was less than it used to be and he’s hurt because I called the police this time. There are so many things that make me question if he’s being honest. Then I add to it that many men pay attention to me and this particular customer seems to be adamant about wanting to be more than a customer. Again, I have no interest in dating anyone else, I am addicted to my boyfriend, head over heels in love with him, but I can’t understand why a stranger pays more attention to me than a man who says he loves me.

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You had to call the police? It would be best to sever all ties. Abusers don't change, they cycle for thier own gain

 

Change your locks. Get a restraining order, delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

 

Read up on abusive relationships. Consider seeing a doctor for your overall wellbeing and help with moods. Get a referral to a therapist to help undo the damages from the abuse.

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Your boyfriend doesn't love you. This is why he isn't putting forth the effort and continues to hurt you. It's not love.

 

You desperately need to get out of this awful relationship and work on healing for a while. Don't date anyone until you have well and truly broken your addiction to this abuser and are in a stronger emotional place. Otherwise, you are likely to fall prey to another bad guy.

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Ive been in counseling and read a ton on abuse so I hear what you’re saying. I think there’s something in me that believes he is working on change.

There’s this emptiness that wasn’t there before after I called the police. I called them so he’d know I was serious. Every time he got abusive we broke up and I took him back. It was more because every time I tried to leave he got crazy. The physical abuse was really bad for awhile now it’s minor in comparison. I know what that sounds like.

I question his honesty and he blows up at me. He has so many triggers that I’m still nervous about his behavior. He has all kinds of explanations for his shortcomings and he’s getting tired of me pointing them out. He sarcastically calls me a saint and rarely takes all the blame. He tells me things will be different when he gets his own place.

I feel like the other woman. We spent all our time together now it’s as if he’s punishing me. “I don’t like to text, talk on the phone...I will but I’d rather be in person.” “My ex doesn’t like me talking to you. She might kick me out, where will I go?” “You hurt me, I deserved it, but my kids don’t like to see me hurt.” It’s like he acknowledges what he did but can’t acknowledge that I’m justified in hurting. It’s like I’m supposed to trust but he can’t wait for me to trust him again.

I know he’s treating me bad but he justifies it and ends up making things better after talking to me.

Why does he keep me hanging on if he doesn’t love me? He tells me he’s fighting for us but it feels like the opposite.

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You ask OP, and I am so sorry for you in this frightful abusive situation:

 

"Why does he keep me hanging on if he doesn’t love me? "

 

That's how abusers operate, keep you hanging on that hook. He's enjoying seeing you squirm and suffer.He doesn't love you, and never has. Such individuals don't know the meaning of that word. He abuses you because he can. And look into why you don't deserve anything better than this abusive individual and the abuse he doles out.

 

As other posters have said, it is vital that you break loose, get away from him, block him.

 

I would suggest you phone the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. (USA).

 

There are DM Hotlines in most other countries.

Edited by LaHermes
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If you want a better life, you need to take things seriously. That means file a police report, and get a restraining order. Stop using the police as some sort of teaching tool for him. No one can help you. No volunteer help lines, etc. When you choose to stay, it's your decision. It's not up to volunteers or law enforcement to make choices for you.

 

You say you are in therapy? But do your doctors and therapists know about the abuse? If you have a qualified licensed therapist you don't need to call volunteer help lines. Also you are abusing law enforcement resources and since you wish to stay, you've sort decided that the police and therapists are useless to you.

I called the police. I called them so he’d know I was serious.

 

Every time he got abusive we broke up and I took him back. It was more because every time I tried to leave he got crazy.

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He isn't keeping you hooked. You are keeping yourself hooked all by yourself. You can quit this game any time you want to. Plenty of help, support and resources to assist you with that IF you choose to unhook yourself and actually leave abuse.

 

You are hoping he will change and you are clinging on for dear life to any sign that he is changing.

 

In reality.....ABUSERS DO NOT STOP ABUSING! The only thing that changes is the approach. If beating you will land him in jail, aka his actions will cause him harm, he can switch to pounding you emotionally and psychologically. He is already doing that. He can destroy you without a single mark. Can't call the cops on psychological abuse. Only thing you can do is walk away for good. Keep in mind that he may explode some day with all that suppressed violence and simply kill you.

 

You are stuck on hope that you can fix him and change him. He abuses because he feels entitled and doesn't believe anything is wrong with him and what he is doing.

 

You like some bits and pieces of him and hope desperately that this time you can hang on to the good parts, you can control it. You CAN'T. You have never been in control in this relationship and no matter what you do or how you try or how you twist yourself and pretzel yourself to please him, he will come around and beat you up again and again, be it physically or psychologically or both. No victim of abuse ever controls the cycle, but every victim seems to feel like you do - I can fix this and make it work.

 

At some point you really do need sit down with yourself and ask yourself - why am I doing this? Be honest with yourself and don't bs with the "I looove him". That's not what love is. You are addicted to hope that you can fix him and only cure is to quit cold turkey.

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Hope,

 

Welcome to ENA

 

Please keep posting even if you hear things you do not want to accept.

 

How did you end up being a doormat for a man? How did you end up being his emotional and physical punching bag?

 

You sound like a smart woman so how did it get to this point?

 

I ask these questions because I have never met anyone that said "I hope I meet a guy that gets me so brainwashed that I will take him back no matter how many times he abuses me"

 

I would bet good money that at work you are confident and secure in yourself but privately you are allowing this to continue. This customer is just a reminder of what you truly want in your life but for some reason you are unwilling to allow yourself to be happy and safe.

 

Saying things like "I am addicted to him" is a scary thought. I am fearful for you to be frank.

 

I know you say you love him and are deeply in love with him but all of us can see that is not reality. Love is not a one way street and your imagined love cannot sustain this. You are in love with the idea of him being this solid caring guy like the customer but he simply is not that person and will likely never be that person. Abusers are broken deep down inside and it takes years of therapy to change that. He isn't even willing to do the smallest of things.

 

You have been conditioned to accept his behavior and defend him and act like when he doesn't abuse you as badly as he used to it is a good thing, it isn't. He is just waiting you out until you take him back again, then the honeymoon phase will last a few weeks and he will be the abuser he is once again.

 

How bad with this get before you save yourself?

 

Lost

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If he is an abuser, then why are you still involved with him? He is living with his ex and has kept you a secret. Does this creep have a job?

 

What exactly do you get from this relationship? He does not love or respect you, and he is abusive. Did you grow up in an abusive environment?

 

I suggest that you end it with this guy, and then seek therapy to understand why you would choose someone like this. Deal with your issues to understand why you are making such horrific choices in partners.

 

He will NOT change! This is who he is. What do your friends and family say?

 

Seek out another therapist specializing in abuse.

Edited by Hollyj
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I’m very confused about my partner. We have been together for close to two years. About two months ago I abruptly kicked him out of my house. He has been physically and emotionally abusive for quite some time now with some change but not enough for me to trust him living with me. The problem is he is living with his ex-wife until he gets a place of his own and it’s wearing on us. He is hiding our relationship from his family. Because of this we don’t connect the way we used to.

My emotions are a roller coaster and we fight so much because I feel he’s negative and he feels I am negative. I have been begging him to communicate and work extra hard while we’re going through this phase in hopes to restore our relationship while he works on not being abusive.

I work in an area where I see people on a regular basis and lately there has been a customer who continually comes back to talk with me. The man is a business owner who my company does business with and I love my boyfriend so I am not willing to entertain any romantic relationship with this person. The man is respectful but he keeps expressing interest in me. It’s very hard when someone who is essentially a stranger is paying more attention to me than the man I love. The man has been coming around to my work regularly for at least a month. I don’t think that I am encouraging him to keep coming back but it is nice that someone cares about me.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong even when I’m not. I’m professional to the point and I told him that I have a boyfriend. I have talked with my boyfriend repeatedly about can you tension to our relationship and the things that I need from him and he keeps telling me to be patient if he can’t give those thing to me right now because his ex wife might kick him out of her house and he has no other place to go. He assures me that he loves me and he’s being honest with me and he’s working on his abusive tendencies, but it is so hard to believe him when he doesn’t text or call as often as I think he should.

I am so afraid that we won’t get back to a place of trust and intimacy like we were before I kicked him out. He thinks I overreacted because the physical abuse was less than it used to be and he’s hurt because I called the police this time. There are so many things that make me question if he’s being honest. Then I add to it that many men pay attention to me and this particular customer seems to be adamant about wanting to be more than a customer. Again, I have no interest in dating anyone else, I am addicted to my boyfriend, head over heels in love with him, but I can’t understand why a stranger pays more attention to me than a man who says he loves me.

 

I'd reread this and ask yourself if this seems normal to you. (the bold portion)

 

You are dysfunctional. I'm very sorry for your pain or for having to say that. That work needs to come from you. You kicked him out because he was abusive but you were hoping that kicking him out would teach him a lesson. Ending a relationship or removing someone from your life does not or should not mean that you will take them back especially when you know what type of person he is.

 

I think what you're addicted to is the rollercoaster of a dysfunctional and toxic relationship, the highest highs and the lowest of lows. I agree abusers will not stop abusing but you are drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

 

Take care of yourself. This shouldn't be happening at all. Don't live this way.

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Been there done that....stop wasting your time and kick him to the curb for good. And yes keep those aggressive suitors at bay....I doubt they would be a healthy solution to your situation. I think they get a strong vibe of weakness and vulnerability from you...and that is what many abusers crave and seek out.

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He abuses you because he likes it. That is why he won't stop. He enjoys seeing you cower, cry, beg, accept blame. I bet you even tell him you love him! Why would he give up something that gives him so much pleasure?

 

And what is he doing to "work on" stopping the abuse? Is he seeing a therapist who specializes in treating abusive men? Is he attending group therapy for men who agree they are abusive and sincerely want to stop?

 

Have you told your family he abuses you? Have you told your therapist?

 

And finally, do not encourage that other man. Tell him firmly you are not interested in dating him. You will need intensive therapy before you can even think about dating. Please get yourself mentally and emotionally healthy first.

 

And please, tell your family! They will help you stay away from that abusive man.

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Besides what everyone else is saying, your low self worth has your judgment so clouded that you think the customer paying attention to you is a positive thing. Your pattern keeps repeating. Your low self worth attracts abusers and bullies and lowlifes. This customer could see your mindset, plus he knows you're taken, yet he keeps flirting.

 

Ask any decent man walks away and stops their flirting as soon as they found out a woman is taken. Men who only want short term, non-exclusive trysts seek out vulnerable, taken women. As soon as the woman becomes free for the taking, just watch that player take off fast as the roadrunner.

 

Stop relying on men, especially abusive ones, to falsely fulfill your life. Only when you learn to be happy solo will you be ready to join with someone in a healthy relationship.

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