Anxious attachment distress tolerance techniques

[reinventmyself]

Don’t some cold and flu medications cause drowsiness? Sedated was his word but i parsed it as more being sick and being too tired to do anything but sleep.

 

Yes. But does it require a hospital stay? Shoot, they kick you out within hours of giving birth. People are monitored at home with Covid.

 

Most illnesses are viral. He'd likely have to be really sick for days for it turn into bacterial infection in need of intervention and antibiotic. It would have to be super serious to be admitted. Not just a 48 hours thing that came and went like this.

Especially in light of a pandemic.

[boltnrun]

The hospitals have far more pressing issues than admitting patients who just need cold and flu medications.

 

A poster on here years ago had a long distance thing going with a man who would be on the phone with her for HOURS every day. Still had zero intention of actually being in a real relationship with her. Phone calls and messages are the bare minimum.

 

And say he does say he wants to be in a romantic relationship with you. How long would the two of you be living far away from one another?

[Batya33]

Doesn't matter how real it seemed when he finally got around to calling you. It's not true or at least not true to that extent. Perhaps he had a cold, perhaps he went to the ER to get checked out, perhaps he took cold meds. But -his sister had his phone? His sister didn't contact you? He had no other way to contact you? Really????

[Jibralta]

I think you're getting love-bombed here, a1a1.

 

Sometimes people get wrapped up with their hormones and their emotions and rush in, but this seems a little more sinister to me.

 

Why, you ask?

 

Because he's setting the bar really, really low with this cockamamie story of his. It's just so, sooooo improbable.

 

I think this anxiety that you feel is your alarm bells going off. But you're mistaking it for something else, falling down the rabbit hole of self-blame and excuse-making, as reinvent put it.

[reinventmyself]

I think it's a red flag whenever you catch yourself justifying and coming up with theories that makes you feel better.

You feel this way for a reason. Listen to that.

 

Takes me back to my first comment here about your reasoning behind your stress test and staying busy so you won't notice his absence.

 

It might be time to take notice.

[Rose Mosse]

When I think of a relationship, I think of two individuals who are equally invested with good understanding, cleared air, mostly the ability to love and trust each other without question.

 

When I look at your situation, I don't see those things. They're wrapped up in a dust cloud of possibilities and endless events and, of course, the frustrating effects of long distance relationships where you're not able to be at the same place at the same time.

 

Whether he's telling the truth or not, I tend to take others at face value. They can tell me anything they want but if the effect of the overall situation isn't something I like, I make the decision to end it or walk. For example, he may say one thing but mean another or perhaps it's real, true circumstances that are keeping you both apart in spirit and physically. I'd look at that - the overall situation and the effect - and if it's something I want in my life or part of some larger picture that I see for myself. Do you want haze and dust clouds or do you want clarity and at what frequency?

 

It usually takes a little time to unfold but you've got nothing but time. You're emotionally attached and it's not like you're going to run out and start dating someone new right away. So take your time and think very, very carefully while you're where you're at. When the time is right and you feel you've had enough, exit. You don't have to stretch yourself so thin or feel helpless. It's all in your hands. Stay calm and make your decision when it feels right.

[1a1a]

Going forward, what would green flags look like?

 

The thought of love bombing has crossed my mind before, although I’m not sure how you tell between that and fool in love because they seem a bit similar with the gift giving and the declarations of affection.

 

Either way no harm in my stepping back a bit until some time we can date proper. And all the questions posed will help a lot if he vanishes again. Maybe not losing anything so flash if that’s part of the deal.

 

(If the borders weren’t closed I think he would have already returned to my country. Under normal circumstance that could be suss but not mid rona. )

[Jibralta]

They do seem similar. In my mind, love bombing is manipulative, the fool in love is not. It's that outlandish story he gave you that makes me lean towards love bombing.

 

I think you're on the right track with taking a couple steps back.

 

I was at a loss to answer your question about green flags.... then I remembered SherrySher's recent thread:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=566725

 

But really, time is your best friend on this, because everything does tend to seem peachy keen in the first few months.

[Wiseman2]

Local. Seeing each other regularly. Goals and values in common. Physical chemistry. Good communication.

 

Ability to get along well. Free and clear to date. Balanced temperament. Handles stress without the use of drugs, alcohol or behavioral compulsions.

 

Emotionally, financially independent. Takes pride in work, doesn't want/need shoulders to cry on or cheerleaders.

 

Mature, even keeled, good boundaries.

Going forward, what would green flags look like?

[LaHermes]

I would endorse this Wiseman.

 

"Local. Seeing each other regularly. Goals and values in common. Physical chemistry. Good communication.

 

Ability to get along well. Free and clear to date. Balanced temperament. Handles stress without the use of drugs, alcohol or behavioral compulsions.

 

Emotionally, financially independent. Takes pride in work, doesn't want/need shoulders to cry on or cheerleaders.

 

Mature, even keeled, good boundaries."

[Jibralta]

Oh yes, start with local!

[Batya33]

Going forward, what would green flags look like?

 

The thought of love bombing has crossed my mind before, although I’m not sure how you tell between that and fool in love because they seem a bit similar with the gift giving and the declarations of affection.

 

Either way no harm in my stepping back a bit until some time we can date proper. And all the questions posed will help a lot if he vanishes again. Maybe not losing anything so flash if that’s part of the deal.

 

(If the borders weren’t closed I think he would have already returned to my country. Under normal circumstance that could be suss but not mid rona. )

 

Green flags.

 

Words and actions match.

He treats you with respect and you are inspired to do the same.

He is local.

You have common values and goals and standards.

You both proceed at a comfortable pace and if one person is speeding things up too much the other tells that person plainly and directly that it's going too fast. Result is a respectful exchange.

You are physically and sexually attracted to each other whether or not you act on it at that time. You feel a spark by the fourth date -where you feel like you'd want to kiss this person, etc.

You have compatible senses of humor.

You feel comfortable being around him and comfortable even when you are not - you feel fine about stuff - you aren't tempted to overanalyze and if you feel insecure in the beginning -normal!! - it's just the beginning and it's no overhwhelming the positive parts of having fun and getting to know each other.

 

I wouldn't date this guy properly or not -he is lying to you, he is evasive, this will not change just because you can see each other in person.

[1a1a]

These are excellent.