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Brief overview for context I was dating someone locally, going very, very slow because although I was curious, I wasn't smitten. He was though, right from the start. Then there was a fork in the road because mid pandemic he managed to secure a seat on a plane traveling back home and, reluctant to maybe never see him again without at least kissing I broke the touch barrier and that experience felt right in a way that, had he been staying local, I definitely would have wanted to date. We can't because of distance but we have stayed in touch and he has been consistent in expressing feelings for me, regular contact, sends me presents sometimes. He's used the word love in letters, I haven't/won't until we can be face to face again and I can be sure that's what I'm feeling. For those of you who recognise me from previous posts, yes, there is a definite possibility that this is just another way for me to avoid genuinely getting close to someone, that thought has crossed my mind. Its Schrodingers attraction, I won't know until we're face to face where I'm really at. Or him for that matter.

 

Anyway, I wasn't very invested in the beginning because we had not really spent that much time together before he left. But lately I have been feeling a lot more so, a couple of particularly well chosen gifts on his part I think and regular contact. I'm starting to dream the same "could this be my forever person" dreams he's been dreaming.

 

We normally talk at least once a day, a text, if not a phone call. But I haven't heard from him since Friday. I tell myself he must be pretty busy, or maybe something has come up, but the more days that elapse the harder I find it to tolerate the break down in communication. I like to think I have a bit of a handle on my (lousy) attachment style. Saturday I was, for sure, in a bit of a funk because I hadn't heard from him but I wouldn't act on that. Sunday I was starting to feel actually anxious. Today is no improvement. What if he found someone local and hit it off with them and suddenly the overseas girl isn't so attractive anymore. What if it was love bombing all along. What if something bad has happened to him. What if nothing bad has happened but he just doesn't feel drawn to maintain a line of communication with me anymore? I get being busy but 48 hours plus with no word? (And through the scourge of modern communication, read receipts. I can see he is at least receiving my messages on whatsapp, although sometimes they're going through to his PC and it doesn't mean he's read them. But even if I had sent no messages at all, it is out of character for him to not reach out to me either.)

 

I know the best distress tolerance technique is to be so busy yourself that you don't even notice the person has not responded. Thanks to an uptick in community spread of the rona work is cancelled and socialising is ill advised. I have plenty of jobs to be getting on with at home but they are all the kind that does not induce a flow state and are much much much harder to do when something is eating away at you.

 

So, tolerance techniques, throw them at me. I know this is my problem to fix. (Even if he has lost interest, which would very definitely be a disappointment but I want him to be happy right?! So I would accept that. But not knowing is worse).

 

Also how do you divine what is unreasonable impatience regarding message replies (because I feel like my attachment style sees me reacting earlier than is reasonable. Which is why I spent the first two days talking myself down. But definitely past the 2 day mark it really starts to feel like this is more than being busy).

 

You would think being long distance that my life would be as good as functionally fine being single, what is there even to miss?! Someone who I can't see? But nope, this is occupying a frustratingly large amount of my thoughts. Surely he will get in touch today when he wakes up right? Because my last contact explicitly stated that this is unusual silence and I am worried. When we are in touch again I will definitely be asking him how long he could go not hearing from me before it started to worry him.

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The best distress tolerance is to get so busy you don't notice?

Think about that for minute.

 

I'm pretty sure it's very normal to feel uncomfortable or concerned if someone who you have a romantic relationship with sharply shifts his pattern and doesn't respond to your texts.

It doesn't feel good. That's real stuff.

Running away and keeping busy solves what exactly?

At best it postpones the discomfort.

If he called tomorrow do you stuff that disappointment and not say anything? I would think the brewing mistrust would bleed through.

Not to mention consistency is a minimum courtesy.

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This happened once before, not long after he returned home, and when whatever is between us was more amorphous. He went quiet for 7 days, after which I sent a follow up communication expressing my fears and that I hoped nothing bad had happened. Turned out something bad had happened, one of his friends had died and he'd been sad, and away from internet access for a few days and hadn't known how to tell me. He reaffirmed then that he definitely wanted to sustain the connection with me and we have been consistent since then. It's come up in conversation before that when I can see a message has been read and not responded to it doesn't make me feel great. He said he's always impatient to see what I've said so he reads them as soon as he receives them even if he's not able to reply. (A perception shift I hadn't thought of). But still, since he knows that he sometimes will text a reply promptly saying he'll send a longer message later.

 

Yesterday I mentioned that this feels like an inexorably long time between replies and I hoped he was busy with fun things. And today, when that message had been received and not replied to, I was much more direct about the lack of contact, and passing of Sunday (ostensibly the one day he gets off and the day we do a video call) with no word. This feels like radio silence, what's going on? I guess I could have/should have been more direct Sunday. But as I say, I find it hard to parse what is reasonable anxiety from what is faulty attachment style anxiety, the kind I feel no one else should have to soothe since they haven't done anything to cause it really.

 

Officially, not a couple, but in actions, we are definitely headed in a coupley direction, he wound down his business in his home country ready to move back to mine with both feet this time (then my country says "borders closed till late 21" which didn't surprise me but disappointed him a lot). Me I am highly reluctant to ask him to commit to me when we are kept apart by the tyranny of distance. He, before he even left my city, said no one else would interest him as much as I do and he's continued to say that. I feel like we've been growing closer. Which is why this break in communication feels even worse.... I feel like, if he meets someone in his city. who's a fantastic match for him, sparks flying, who am I to keep them apart. I'd want him to go for it with my blessing. But I would be sad. I am sad just thinking about that. I feel like, even if we said with words "let's be exclusive", if he met someone like that the words would make no difference. (Except maybe he wouldn't go silent for 2 days and 3 nights because doing that would be more cruel than ending it)

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Anxiety is anxiety any way you want to label it and it can feel like your world is tearing apart and nothing makes sense. I would weigh what this means to you versus the inconsistencies or unknowns.

 

Please note that this doesn't mean judgement on his character or who he is as a person or what he's doing and the meaning behind it.

 

What I'm suggesting instead is to look carefully instead at what this situation means to you and if it's worth putting yourself in this state for. There are millions of situations that fall into that gray area of good vs bad, not being one or the other until time reveals it more clearly. Your options are to wait and see or draw the line at at the situation as it is now.

 

Perhaps consider this as good as over, let go of the communications for as long as he's there and no more pressure on the both of you to communicate as bf/gf daily or every other day. Give yourself some time to think about it and cool off too.

 

In a week or so you might realize this person isn't worth waiting for with all the uncertainties and the way he's telling you one thing and doing something else. At some point you have to be turned off by funny or wishy washy behaviour, right? Trust yourself then to know what to do. Deep breaths... try breathing exercises. Not as hokey as I thought! They may work for you too.

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How did you meet? How long have you been talking? Is it known when he might be in your country again?

 

Is that where he lives now?

 

Just keep doing what you're doing by staying busy to prevent overanalyzing. Where there ever issues with anxiety or OCD?

 

Sometimes, run-away thinking and overindulgence in every possible "what if" can indicate a sort of short circuit loop thinking. That's the "anxious" part of anxious attachment.

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Rose Mosse do you mean that if this person who likes me engages with me in a way that triggers my anxiety it might not be a good match?

 

Certainly for me to put it down and walk away would free me from my current thoughts and feelings. He has been very consistent with words and actions up until this weekend though. It’s probable he’s just busy and can’t wait to have time to talk to me again.

 

But then why doesn’t he say that says my brain.

 

Certainly If the silence draws out a full week I will be very hurt and probably done.

 

Ah breathing, I’ve been breathing all weekend. It does help, not enough though. Need something stronger (like the perception shift of stop wanting the thing? Well then what is getting romantically attached if if it can be dropped like that? I have been so cautious with this guy but he keeps affirming his interest so I warmed. His love language is gifts and I’ve received many but only given one so far, mostly because covid is rife in his country and I don’t know if getting flowers delivered to his door is worth the risk. This weekend I finally thought of a gift I could give him and was looking to source it, meanwhile, he goes silent :-( like do guys psychically know? When you become a yes and then they be like ahh psych, no thanks)

 

Wiseman, we met through online dating and were seeing each other face to face for a few months, what we have now has been going a little over 100 days, I know because he mentioned it on the 100th day.

 

He’s back in his home country, as far as we know the borders to mine will stay closed until late 21. He’s on a list for students who want to come back but there’s no movement on that front at the moment.

 

When I was much more depressed and went to a psych she diagnosed me with anxiety

 

Right now the thought that he doesn’t want to reestablish contact and if I call him he’ll lose even more interest is doing me no favours.

 

I just don’t understand going from daily contact to mystery silence. Unless something bad happened but how hard is it to say that. Or he met someone. Again. How hard is it to say that.

 

He often tells me if I want to talk I can call him. Does that still apply now?

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I am curious as to why you're twisting yourself into a word pretzel and drowning yourself in words that make me think both of psychobabble plus someone trying to right a romance novel/short story. I get that you want to share details and I think your way of doing it is the clue. You don't want to get down to basics/simplify because to do so would mean facing the actual, very simple situation.

 

His words and actions do not match.

If something has changed something has changed.

People generally move towards pleasure and away from pain.

 

 

Tolerance techniques -do not let yourself go there with this overthinking and analysis. Read what I wrote above or distill it on your own so my 11 year old son would understand. (He's had at least one crush so far). Do not go there with some scientific/statistical analysis of how long is too long not to reply. Whether it's you being impatient or him being uninterested. Let go of this attachment style stuff (pun intended) because this situation doesn't warrant that type of depth.

 

The problem is you told yourself you weren't that into him, maybe that was true, but that changed. Then you were. Once you were you hung on this whole "well we're acting couply" thing - and let yourself get these unrealistic expectations as if you were a couple. You weren't, you aren't, it's been a short time you've known him. If he's too busy to respond to a text and he's alive/not hooked up to tubes somewhere then he's not that into you. (read the three basic things I wrote above). If he is heaven forbid in some sort of emergency, you will find out soon enough. Unfortunately since you're not married/committed seriously to him you probably would not be contacted. So simply live your life as if he is not in it -you are single now with him in your life, too. You're not seriously committed to him, so you're single. If he comes back and contacts you and you're still interested and available maybe hear him out as to why he didn't reply and decide then. In the future. Not now.

 

When my future husband and I were dating for 6 months (it was 2006, I did not have a cell phone, yes I was a total hold out), I had 6-8 hours of the type of anxiety/insecurity you had. He hadn't been in touch with me that day and we had a plan to meet up that night. But it was odd for him not to be in touch. We hadn't had any issues at all - but it was odd and I got worried. At 7:00pm we met up as planned. All was totally fine. What happened? He had a few unexpected meetings that day and didn't contact me, and knew we'd see each other. I didn't say anything I don't think -I mean nothing to say.

 

Have I ever been insecure since then about our relationship? Rarely. Have I ever worried that he wasn't into me and that's why he wasn't contacting me? Nope. Only that one time I described. Why? Because I never had a reason to worry - we were always in normal/regular/consistent touch, he showed me how much he cared and how committed he was, he spoke of it too, we had a deep foundation of trust in each other. Yes, I've worried about his physical safety/health when he's away and not in touch - but not whether our relationship is solid. And it's been like that from the time we decided to be exclusive. For the first month of platonic catching up getting to know you again stuff (because we got back together) - yes I was on edge, anxious, unsure. (The first time we dated I wasn't because frankly he was really open about his feelings and it took me longer to be really into him). But that first month -that was normal -we weren't really dating yet at all, I was unsure about the whole thing and whether we'd actually start dating again, but I also had no unrealistic expectations that we would. But I kept dating and looking to date others. And I knew from the past that even with normal getting to know you stages (we weren't as we'd dated seriously in the past) that first month -most people don't know if there is potential/where it's going.

 

But I will tell you this -after he sealed the deal if he'd started being inconsistent in his actions I'd have assumed he actually didn't mean what he said and I would have nipped it in the bud ASAP - asked him what was going on and/or ended things. And I'd have forced myself to be bluntly self-honest (luckily I had a couple of friends who were good at setting me straight if I started going off the deep end). I will also share that once he sealed the deal - which was a two minute conversation -a joyous one - I had no anxiety that he meant what he said, what his intentions were (the L word came later). I knew even though I am a high strung anxious Type A overthinking person.

 

But even knowing I didn't start planning the wedding, we waited to have sex, we waited to say the L word to each other. I just knew he also felt there was serious potential. I didn't doubt that he'd call me the next day just like he always did -our nightly talk. Didn't think he'd get "scared" and run away. Even though I am anxious in general. So simplify, avoid indulging in this word salad/psychoanalysis by a layperson stuff, and face basics so you can live your life.

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Batya, this wisdom is getting saved for future reference. Tying myself into word pretzels to avoid the obvious. This guy knows about the string of hot and cold boys who came before him and has said on more than one occasion that will never be him (but should his feelings change not even he could do anything about that so this is an optimistic thing to offer someone). But the fact that he has said that doesn't mean I should hold on if he disengages.

 

I did try calling, at our usual talk time. It rang out, so did face time. I didn't bank on how much more anxious that would make me. Not that we're over, but that something has happened. (I might lack trust in the durability of his interest, but I guess I do have a degree of trust that he won't ghost me. He's generally been pretty good at using his words. And I have his car...)

 

I wasn't sure where to go from there, ended up writing a text saying I'd thought maybe I'd be able to get through at the time when we normally talk and hadn't thought about how much more anxious I would feel if I couldn't, because it's out of character, and I really hope he's ok. And as I was writing it remembered he has a hiking trip coming up and I had remembered that starting on the 25th, but I also feel like it ends on the 26th, so maybe actually it starts earlier, and in fact he's already on it. That Would explain the silence. So I included that partially remembered possibility in the text. (It might be a bit thoughtless to go offline without saying anything. But he would probably say he's told me the dates for the trip a few times and be a little disappointed that I didn't remember.) And that absolutely is all that can be done. Like there was ever anything that could be done. At least the possibility that he's some place remote with no wifi for at least the next 3 days fills up the space where I usually start imagining the explanation is that he hit it off with someone awesome who lives local and wants out but hasn't the courage to say so.

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So pick up the phone and call him? I don't understand why you wouldn't do that if you think you two are so close.

 

Above aside, maybe rethink your motivations. You weren't attracted to him and you still aren't sure you would be in real life. Your so called relationship is really nothing more than addiction to the feel good ping of being chased so hard....or so you imagine. From the bleacher seats, I see just flattering words and not much else. He hopped on a plane and is going about his life and making decisions that are best for himself. You aren't a factor in that. In short, his mouth and feet aren't moving in the same directions.

 

Also, he has gone awol before....so much as you might wring your hands as "why doesn't he just let me know"....the harsh reality is that he is the sort who will not. Not exactly a good quality in a partner.

 

Open your eyes a bit and start being a whole lot more honest with yourself in what you are indulging in.

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He did close down his business of 11 years so he could move back to my country and not be one foot in, one foot out (it was making a loss during covid but he turned down opportunities to pivot it to something else and stuck with the plan of wrapping it up because he’s planning to return). And he’s given a few gifts since he left, one was pretty fancy. So I’m not sure his words and actions haven’t aligned for the most part, just this last couple of days are totally out of character.

 

All the same, both angles are food for thought.

 

Whatever way you cut it it’s a self sabotaging action to get invested in someone you can’t date properly I guess

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He did close down his business of 11 years so he could move back to my country and not be one foot in, one foot out (it was making a loss during covid but he turned down opportunities to pivot it to something else and stuck with the plan of wrapping it up because he’s planning to return). And he’s given a few gifts since he left, one was pretty fancy. So I’m not sure his words and actions haven’t aligned for the most part, just this last couple of days are totally out of character.

 

All the same, both angles are food for thought.

 

Whatever way you cut it it’s a self sabotaging action to get invested in someone you can’t date properly I guess

 

My point was more that his business decisions have nothing to do with you. He is making business and financial decisions that are best for him whether he was planning to return or now sees other opportunities he needs to take up due to closures elsewhere.

 

The other factor is beware of anyone who will chase you so hard. They aren't chasing you, they are chasing the fantasy they've built around you. He doesn't actually know you and you aren't able to really date and even when you could, you weren't that willing. Flattering as it may be, it's never a good thing nor healthy behavior when someone is chasing and someone is running.

 

But ultimately, it's what's in bold. You are 100% correct on that. Consider also, that this thing that you've gotten sucked into....is actively stopping you from real life relationships with guys you would be into and attracted to in real life.

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Rose Mosse do you mean that if this person who likes me engages with me in a way that triggers my anxiety it might not be a good match?

 

Certainly for me to put it down and walk away would free me from my current thoughts and feelings. He has been very consistent with words and actions up until this weekend though. It’s probable he’s just busy and can’t wait to have time to talk to me again.

 

But then why doesn’t he say that says my brain.

 

Certainly If the silence draws out a full week I will be very hurt and probably done.

 

Ah breathing, I’ve been breathing all weekend. It does help, not enough though. Need something stronger (like the perception shift of stop wanting the thing? Well then what is getting romantically attached if if it can be dropped like that? I have been so cautious with this guy but he keeps affirming his interest so I warmed. His love language is gifts and I’ve received many but only given one so far, mostly because covid is rife in his country and I don’t know if getting flowers delivered to his door is worth the risk. This weekend I finally thought of a gift I could give him and was looking to source it, meanwhile, he goes silent :-( like do guys psychically know? When you become a yes and then they be like ahh psych, no thanks)

 

Wiseman, we met through online dating and were seeing each other face to face for a few months, what we have now has been going a little over 100 days, I know because he mentioned it on the 100th day.

 

He’s back in his home country, as far as we know the borders to mine will stay closed until late 21. He’s on a list for students who want to come back but there’s no movement on that front at the moment.

 

When I was much more depressed and went to a psych she diagnosed me with anxiety

 

Right now the thought that he doesn’t want to reestablish contact and if I call him he’ll lose even more interest is doing me no favours.

 

I just don’t understand going from daily contact to mystery silence. Unless something bad happened but how hard is it to say that. Or he met someone. Again. How hard is it to say that.

 

He often tells me if I want to talk I can call him. Does that still apply now?

 

Yes... really, how much do you want to invest in a person who isn't returning back on your love tank? You do have a wonderful point however. 'What's the point of being romantically attached if it can be dropped like that'. I see here more of a struggle internally with your own idea of what romance or love should be versus what he is. Romance takes time too and I think the best measure of that is a little patience. You'll see for yourself whether he's worth waiting around for without doing anything at all. Be patient.

 

Being busy helps but like reinvent mentioned it distracts from the original issue which may be a deficit in how you're feeling towards him as a person or the way the situation has unfolded. There's so much struggle in you for what is supposed to be rather than what actually is. Trying to be a little practical also helps.

 

Your guy here will either understand or not what you mean to him and in that space where there's so much capacity for things to go sideways and squirrelly, you do have a choice in how you wish to think about the matter. You have a choice to either see the situation for what it is and cease wishing it were something else or you can continue hurting yourself, telling yourself what it is when it isn't.

 

So in the meantime and in all those painful and joyful spaces inbetween, maybe... a little patience and after that, make decisions that only you can make for yourself. Give yourself a chance to find real joy.

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I would do nothing. I would not type to him anything about your anxiety for sure. I know it's hard to do nothing but also don't "wait" -assume it is over. Even if he is "ghosting" you. Just assume and move along. If you definitely want it to end then type to him about your anxiety - my sense is that would guarantee him ending it even if he hadn't really thought about it that way. I'm sorry you're feeling anxious and disappointed. Do you have specific time and place plans to meet up when he returns?

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I would do nothing. I would not type to him anything about your anxiety for sure. I know it's hard to do nothing but also don't "wait" -assume it is over. Even if he is "ghosting" you. Just assume and move along. If you definitely want it to end then type to him about your anxiety - my sense is that would guarantee him ending it even if he hadn't really thought about it that way. I'm sorry you're feeling anxious and disappointed. Do you have specific time and place plans to meet up when he returns?

Not only would I do nothing, I'd be my own agent and re-evalute if this is arrangment meeting my needs.

If this was the first time, then I'd be curious, but not the second or more, it's a pattern. It's one thing if you two are not committed and otherwise busy with your own lives, but what tips the scales (for me) is he doesn't have the courtesy to respond.

 

Even though I'd be feeling anxious, disappointed and all the other feelings you are entitled to. I'd probably tell him this is no longer working for me.. . if he reaches out.

 

It was learning experience for me years ago. I had crappy dating habits, but was willing to learn. I was terribly anxious at the time and trying to not let it run the show.

 

I was dating a guy I was crazy about, but our schedules didn't jive. He worked evenings and always showed up late when my day was done. Was vague about his weekend commitments, which in actuality was spent with his kids. He wasn't ready to bring dates around his kids and I respected that. But he couldn't be honest with himself or me about the fact he didn't really have time for relationship.

But much like you I spent a lot of time anxious, wondering if there was something i could different to tolerate the situation. I made it more about my deficiencies rather than standing back and looking at the big picture.

Overall, it just didn't feel good. As much as I wanted it to work out, being consistent is a very important quality to me and this budding relationship had nothing I could count on.

 

So I put my big girl pants on and ended it. He wasn't happy, he promised to change out of one side of his mouth while defending his actions out of the other.

 

It wasn't easy and I was disappointed, but more over I was proud of myself for having acted on my behalf. This lesson changed some of the ways I viewed dating from then on

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An update, I woke up to a message yesterday morning. He’d fallen ill sat morning and gone in for covid testing. Tested negative but stayed in hospital on a sedative and fighting off infection. Left his phone with his sister to field important calls. Says he wouldn’t go longer than 2 days without contact and if that happens something is wrong and he’d call later. When he did we ended up talking for almost an hour and ended with it with more to say (but sleep’s important too).

 

And I feel foolish for working myself up so much. But as a silver lining now I have a bit of a temperature reading of where I’m at, what wounds are still unhealed! (Blargh! How? It’s been years!!!) and this post which contains a lot of food for thought.

 

We didn’t get to any awkward conversations last night but I will. Especially the possibility that we are both getting invested in fantasy versions of each other (or in his case since he was smitten so hard from the start he definitely was into a fantasy version of me and the question is is maintained contact without being face to face enough to replace the fantasy with the reality? When we on the phone or face timing it feels pretty real. But how many people have come by here devastated after a lengthy long distance relationship where the other person checked out?! Heaps!) as that feels like the worst danger of LDR. (One of my local friends suggested the tried and true advice of step back and let him do the leg work. For once in my dating life it doesn’t apply, he is normally the one checking in once a night ‘good to call?’ Which makes me discerning if I’m interested in him or the attention all the more important to discern I think)

 

Thanks for taking the time to share your perspectives with me, I really appreciate it.

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Without going back and rereading, wasn't there another time he had a different emergency that rendered him incapacitated it unable to communicate?

 

I'm sorry if I sound suspicious. Anything is possible but 2 tragic events makes my spidey senses go up.

 

But you know him, I don't.

Just had to put that out there

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Rose Mosse do you mean that if this person who likes me engages with me in a way that triggers my anxiety it might not be a good match?

 

I was going to suggest this myself. I used to get sharp anxiety like this in relationships.

 

I don't anymore. I think that's because I've found the right person for me. He supports me in the areas where I feel weak. I think that's all I've ever wanted in a relationship, to be honest.

 

Looking back, I realized that I felt anxiety when my needs weren't being addressed. That was 20/20 hindsight, though. I had no idea what it was when it was happening.

 

Instead, I searched for other causes, anything but this most basic element called "getting what I want out of a relationship."

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An update, I woke up to a message yesterday morning. He’d fallen ill sat morning and gone in for covid testing. Tested negative but stayed in hospital on a sedative and fighting off infection. Left his phone with his sister to field important calls. Says he wouldn’t go longer than 2 days without contact and if that happens something is wrong and he’d call later. When he did we ended up talking for almost an hour and ended with it with more to say (but sleep’s important too).

 

And I feel foolish for working myself up so much. But as a silver lining now I have a bit of a temperature reading of where I’m at, what wounds are still unhealed! (Blargh! How? It’s been years!!!) and this post which contains a lot of food for thought.

 

We didn’t get to any awkward conversations last night but I will. Especially the possibility that we are both getting invested in fantasy versions of each other (or in his case since he was smitten so hard from the start he definitely was into a fantasy version of me and the question is is maintained contact without being face to face enough to replace the fantasy with the reality? When we on the phone or face timing it feels pretty real. But how many people have come by here devastated after a lengthy long distance relationship where the other person checked out?! Heaps!) as that feels like the worst danger of LDR. (One of my local friends suggested the tried and true advice of step back and let him do the leg work. For once in my dating life it doesn’t apply, he is normally the one checking in once a night ‘good to call?’ Which makes me discerning if I’m interested in him or the attention all the more important to discern I think)

 

Thanks for taking the time to share your perspectives with me, I really appreciate it.

 

I don't buy it in the least. The whole description of being on a sedative in a hospital to fight off some mysterious after testing negative sounds suspicious, as does where his phone was, the instructions to sister - nope nope nope. He could have figured out how to contact you or get someone else to whether by phone, computer, etc.

 

Him calling every night is a positive. But you need to step back and let him figure out how he's going to spend time with you in person and that he follows through.

 

No, it's not the "worst dangers of an LDR" -the dangers are where you can't spend regular in person time together when you're still new -meaning before a year or so, before you're talking a serious commitment, etc. -

I wouldn't buy this latest excuse for a minute. Yes he spoke to you for an hour. So what? It was convenient for him to speak then.

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....Oh so he had such a terrible infection that he had to be hospitalized and they treated that infection with a sedative? What a novel and unique approach to treating infections....... Also, despite being so ill and thinking it's covid, he swung by his sister's to give her his phone for keeping and answering......

 

Yeah...makes total sense.....like...totally....adds up perfectly......

 

The problem with an LDR like this, isn't that it might end because the person might meet someone else, that can happen with any relationship. The real problem is that you don't have any way to check what kind of bs you are being spoon fed.

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I was going to suggest this myself. I used to get sharp anxiety like this in relationships.

 

I don't anymore. I think that's because I've found the right person for me. He supports me in the areas where I feel weak. I think that's all I've ever wanted in a relationship, to be honest.

 

Looking back, I realized that I felt anxiety when my needs weren't being addressed. That was 20/20 hindsight, though. I had no idea what it was when it was happening.

 

Instead, I searched for other causes, anything but this most basic element called "getting what I want out of a relationship."

Exactly! I have an anxiety disorder. I drank the koolaid believing feeling anxious in a relationships was my normal.

Until I met someone who doesn't trigger my anxiety. I look back at my anxious relationships and I had good reason. Maybe easy to say now because they are *past relationships. . .to be fair.

It's easy to fall into the rabbit hole thinking you just need to work harder to control your anxiety. But you often lose sight and make excuses for someone who is actively doing things to provoke it.

And. . because I run on the anxious side I know I need someone who is consistent, means what he says and says what he means.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Don’t some cold and flu medications cause drowsiness? Sedated was his word but i parsed it as more being sick and being too tired to do anything but sleep.

 

I think the things that sound off for you do sound off for me too but between what he was like to interact with face to face and what he has been like to stay in touch with long distance...there’s been a whole procession of wishy washy boys in my dating history and this doesn’t feel like they did. (For one thing, excepting this weekend and that time a week after he’d gotten home when we were much more strangers to each other), anxiety trigger free. But I should keep it in mind. Seems like a good time to ask him if we’re at a point where being in the loop from the start is a reasonable expectation. The question has been asked.

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